Evanni Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 So my ex and I got back together and he has been working on some of the things that broke us up before. To be clear, I said he doesn't need to change if the kind of boyfriend I want is not who he really is. I don't want him to pretend to be someone else just to be with me (we can just be friends), but he reassured me it's what he wants. Some of the things I wanted was: Be more in charge of planning our dates Communicate with me instead of running away when he has a problem with something Be more affectionate He has been doing those things... but here is the problem: Physical changes. He knows I like fit guys with tattoos, however, never once did I say that I want HIM to get in shape and get tattoos. You know how we all (or most of us) have that perfect dream girl/guy in our mind, but we still fall in love with other people that may not fit the description anyway? Well I love him anyway despite him not looking like my ideal guy. He doesn't understand that and now have been getting tattoos and going to the gym, all for "me". Because of this, he now thinks he has a right to turn around and ask me to start changing physically for him. I said I don't feel like that's fair because I never told him he needs to do that. He said it doesn't matter whether or not I asked, because he knows that's the type of guy I'm into. Now he thinks I'm being unfair and selfish because I am not willing to get tattoos and wear more revealing clothes. He wants me to more "playful like other girlfriends" and to start going bars with him. A part of me think hes being unreasonable because I don't feel like I owe him anything since the physical changes he made were not things I asked for. He wants to improve himself, that's great, but why make me feel like I owe him the same thing? But then the other part of me feels bad because I really do love him. I dont know what to do
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think his demands you change your physical appearance ars more than unreasonable - it's manipulative. You were clear you didn't ask him to change those things, but he's now using that as ammo. That is not good. Re-read your own statement: "I don't want him to pretend to be someone else just to be with me (we can just be friends)" He apparently expects differently from you. I don't think these changes will reflect who you really are. So do you want to pretend to be someone you're not, just to be with him?
todreaminblue Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 did you actually tell him that is what floats your boat, thats the type of guy you are attracted too with tattoos and fitness.....deb
evanescentworld Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Big difference: The changes you needed from him were emotional/psychological. The changes he wants from you are physical: lifestyle, appearance, demeanour. Nope. Unreasonable. Relationships are compromise, but compromises should leave both people satisfied with the changes; as if both are happy to achieve a win-win situation. He's trying to guilt-trip you and corner you into doing what he wants. Unacceptable. Don't do it. Tell him that the changes he wants are not part of your temperament or character - as the changes he made, were. He's asking you to change who you are. And that won't do. If he can't see that, you'd best make the biggest change of all. New BF.....
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