Sent my ex a request on Facebook after 6 weeks of NC. Feeling stupid. Now what?

[CurlyTraveller]

Hey guys,

 

Long time lurker, first time poster

 

So here's a quick rundown of my situation and all the stuff leading up to this point:

 

My ex and I dated for a total of 18 months. We were living as expats in a foreign country. She broke up with me because she was "unhappy" and wasn't "in love" with me any more. Less than a week later she got drunk and slept with a mutual friend while the two of us were still living together. She assured me that she didn't break up with me for him and that she was on the rebound but it still shocked the hell out of me.

 

I ended up quitting my job and leaving the country soon after and have been NC ever since. No calls, no emails, even unfriended her on Facebook.

 

Now here's where it gets complicated. I've recently accepted a new job back in the same country, in the same CITY, in fact. We moved in similar social circles so I'm almost certain to run into her. Plus the foreigner community is quite small so I'm sure she already knows I'm coming back. Therefore I though as a gesture of "hey, lets at least try to be civil" I would send her a friend request on Facebook. That was yesterday.

 

I regretted it instantly. I feel like I have given away all my power to her by letting her decide whether we can be "friends" or not. Its been 24 hours and she hasn't responded. And the fact that I'm keeping tabs on this shows I care a lot more than I should.

 

I wish I could go and retract the friend request but that would just look pathetic. I'm flying back to start work in less than a week. How do I proceed from here?

 

TL : DR Ex broke up with me and slept with my friend. Been NC for 6 weeks. I'm moving back to start a new job very close to her. Sent her a friend request on Facebook in an attempt to defuse potential awkwardness. She hasn't responded and I feel stupid. What now?

Edited November 18, 2014 by CurlyTraveller

[JCG]

I personally think you have a very good grasp of your own situation. You sound very cool headed and have gone about everything very intelligently. So, ok, you sent her a request....big deal, what's done is done. I don't think it shows neediness at all after 6 weeks. Don't take it back. Let it sit. You made an attempt. It shows class. Taking it back would make it look like you care. Don't say or do anything else now. Let it sit. I personally think by extending your hand at a friend request will get you all the answers you need, by seeing how she responds. Is your request still there? If it is, it means she did not decline it. if she did, it would give you the option of requesting again. Perhaps, she hasn't seen it, or is thinking. I don't know, but, how she responds, is how you proceed. At least you will have your answer and would not extend again if declined. She will have to live with that decision. Not you.

[JCG]

PS: don't feel stupid. To me, it shows confidence and that you've worked through things for yourself and are in a place of integrity. If she declines, meh.... it will give you what you need to move on.

[Art_Critic]

You certainly CAN retract it.. go do it...or block her and it goes away..

do one of them...

 

Easy Peasy...

[Ecko08]

I wish I could go and retract the friend request but that would just look pathetic. I'm flying back to start work in less than a week. How do I proceed from here??

 

I'm pretty sure you can delete a sent friend request...

[PegNosePete]

Yes retract the friend request. Who cares if it looks "pathetic"? Looks pathetic to who? Your EX who slept with your mutual friend? Why do you care what she thinks?

[CurlyTraveller]

Hey all thanks for the feedback. Especially JCG for your kind words.

 

The truth is I probably didn't handle things as well as you might think. I mean, I did end up leaving the country a heartbroken mess. Plus in the two weeks between her sleeping with (and later dating) someone else and me leaving I still had contact with her 3 times. The first was the day before I moved out, the second was the following weekend when I ran into them both at a bar, and the 3rd was when I went to collect my rental deposit. All 3 were pretty messy on both our parts. The last time I saw her I actually told her I loved her and how we could still work it out if she wanted to. I still cringe a little at the thought.

 

Anyway after thinking it through I've decided to leave things be. The request is still there, unanswered. Right now she's probably milling it over in her head wondering why I've reached out to her and what it all means. Let her. Regardless of what she thinks I know I was coming from a point of integrity. She's the one who wronged me, and if she can't accept a token gesture of friendship then that's her business.

 

You are right PegNosePete. I shouldn't care what she thinks, and that's why I think its better to just let it be.

Edited November 19, 2014 by CurlyTraveller

[CurlyTraveller]

Plus if she doesn't respond it just gives me one more reason to say "f*ck her" and move on, which is infinitely more empowering than all the self-blaming and despair i've been feeling over these last 6 weeks.

[BC1980]

I'd undo it as quickly as possible. I can guarantee you are going to have to unfriend her later, and that will be even worse. You said you wanted to extend a friendship request in an attempt to be civil, but going about that on social media is not the right way. Honestly, it hasn't been long enough, and why do you need to be civil? Are you going to be interacting with her on a frequent basis that would require you to be civil? Such as working with her? Having kids with her? To me, being civil is only necessary when you are forced to interact the person on a consistent basis. Otherwise, it doesn't matter because you won't see her anyway.

 

If you really and truly want a friendship with her, I would talk face to face. Given the circumstances though, I certainly don't think a friendship is in order.

[BC1980]

Anyway after thinking it through I've decided to leave things be. The request is still there, unanswered. Right now she's probably milling it over in her head wondering why I've reached out to her and what it all means. Let her. Regardless of what she thinks I know I was coming from a point of integrity. She's the one who wronged me, and if she can't accept a token gesture of friendship then that's her business.

 

She will probably let it stay there unanswered because though she wants to deny it, she will feel guilty if she does. I'm curious as to why you are the one reaching out when she wronged you?

[stillafool]

She broke up with me because she was "unhappy" and wasn't "in love" with me any more. Less than a week later she got drunk and slept with a mutual friend while the two of us were still living together.

 

 

 

What now?

 

Remember the above when you want to reach out to her. She's not worth it. You can unfriend her and hopefully you have done this by now. Leave her alone and be glad she's gone. Getting drunk does not make a woman sleep with a man. That is the excuse they use to have sex with someone they are attracted to. When are men going to stop the "she got drunk and had sex with" because it's all BS that women want you to believe. I know this because I am a woman.

[CurlyTraveller]

Well, you guys are right. It's too soon, and it was the wrong way to go about reaching out to her. I cancelled the friend request this morning. I won't be attempting to contact her again, and although I'm bound to run into her in the future I won't be making any efforts to extend the hand of friendship either. But before I go and drop the whole thing I would like to address this:

 

I'm curious as to why you are the one reaching out when she wronged you?

 

Partially I think it comes from a desire to "be the bigger person" in all this. I mean, our social circles are such that I can only avoid her for so long. No point making things awkward for everyone else. But besides that I guess I also can't help feeling in some way responsible for what happened. Let me explain...

 

For the first 9 months or so of our relationship I was kind-of a jerk. She was infatuated with me and I just took her for granted without giving her any real kind of emotional commitment. By the time of our breakup that was all water under the bridge (or so I thought), but I realise now she definitely still held it against me right up until the end.

 

Secondly was the fact that her behaviour after the break up just seemed so completely out of character. When I met her she had had exactly one, 4 month relationship, and only 1 or 2 sexual partners outside that. So she certainly wasn't the type to go jump into bed with just anyone. The girl I knew was also extremely (sometimes overly) compassionate, and would never have knowingly done something to hurt another person. Especially not someone close to her.

 

So looking at the way things ended, in my darker moments I can't help but sometimes think "wow, I must have really ****ed up for her to act out in such a negative way". But then again, maybe I didn't know her as well as I thought?

[lollipopspot]

How did she "wrong" you? People have a right to break up with people. You weren't married and you didn't have any kids, so you didn't have a lasting commitment. She broke up with you and then she slept with someone else. That's the order in which it's supposed to happen. Nothing wrong with that. She slept with someone you both know - but as you say, the foreign community is very small there, so of course you both know the same people.

 

I could certainly be wrong, but I think you feel that she wronged you the way that a lot of people feel wronged simply because someone broke up with them. That's not being wronged. People have a right to decide a relationship isn't for them, move on, and sleep with new people. Even if you know those new people - sleeping with a merely a "mutual friend" in a small community is not a wrongdoing.

[CurlyTraveller]

How did she "wrong" you?

 

The night that she slept with him, the three of us had actually arranged to meet at a bar. I'd spoken to both of them at 5:00pm that evening. Then later when I was getting ready to go out and join them she simply stopped returning my calls. She kept me up waiting by the phone all night while she was out having sex with someone else. Then tearily confessed all to me when she came back to our shared apartment the following morning.

 

Lollipopspot I totally understand what you are saying. However, how do you think you would feel in my shoes?

Edited November 20, 2014 by CurlyTraveller

[lollipopspot]

The night that she slept with him, the three of us had actually arranged to meet at a bar. I'd spoken to both of them at 5:00pm that evening. Then later when I was getting ready to go out and join them she simply stopped returning my calls. She kept me up waiting by the phone all night while she was out having sex with someone else. Then tearily confessed all to me when she came back to our shared apartment the following morning.

 

How exactly was I supposed to feel?

 

I'm sure you felt crappy, but after a few tries when she didn't respond to you about meeting up at 5:00, you oughtn't to have stayed up all night, and instead figured it wasn't going to happen.

 

Let it go. It was rude that she didn't respond to you, but she didn't cheat on you. This isn't a "wrong" I'd carry around into the next relationship or even into the next week. You were broken up, it was over, they acted impulsively and rudely, but it's done. This wasn't a lethal wrong.

[lollipopspot]

Lollipopspot I totally understand what you are saying. However, how do you think you would feel in my shoes?

 

You edited your post so I'll respond to this part. I've had worse done to me. I've been cheated on and the second I left the woman was moving into our house.

 

I forgave him. I realized that sometimes relationships don't end in the best ways, but it's often best that they end one way or another. It's o.k. for it to end when one person needs or wants to move on (especially if there are no kids and no commitments). He's one of my best friends now.

[LifeNomad]

i would just leave the friend request as is EXPECTING her not to accept it and if and when you bump into her and it comes up just play it off as its no big deal. whats done is done.

[PegNosePete]

i would just leave the friend request as is EXPECTING her not to accept it

Yeah cos when she does, and starts posting pics from her holiday with her new man, that will end really well for the OP

[BC1980]

Yeah cos when she does, and starts posting pics from her holiday with her new man, that will end really well for the OP

 

I was thinking the same thing. Its creating a whole new problem in the future.

[CurlyTraveller]

Lollipopspot, well yeah I can see that your situation was definitely worse, and I agree with your sentiment that although relationships don't always end in the best ways, its often best that they end eventually. In fact, I acknowledge that my relationship with my ex probably wasn't going to last. Our lives were set to go in different directions, and despite seeming really compatible "on paper", the reality is we were BOTH unhappy towards the end. There were needs not being met on both sides. Hell, there were times I thought about ending the relationship myself!

 

However, I do take issue with the idea that once the romantic relationship is over both parties are basically free to do whatever they like and no-one owes anyone anything. Ideally, I think that the way people conduct themselves in the aftermath of a breakup should depend on a) the manner of the breakup, b) the strength of any enduring connection/relationship between the ex partners, and c) the degree to which both parties' lives are still intertwined. In my view, failing to take these things into account is inconsiderate, selfish, and potentially harmful to everyone involved.

 

For example, lets say you have a messy break up with lots of fighting. One partner is angry, fed up with the relationship, and lets their partner know it. One of the partners ends up moving out the next day and there is no pretext of trying to remain friends. In that case I would say both partners can and should do whatever they need to do to move on. They no longer have any ties to each other, and the "dumper" has made their feelings about the relationship very clear.

 

My breakup was not like that at all. Even when she was breaking up with me, my ex was unsure about whether a breakup was what she wanted. She just knew she was unhappy, felt that she couldn't really communicate what she wasn't getting in the relationship, and didn't know what else to do to stop the pain. She cried every night for three days after that. She told me that she still cared about me deeply but that her feelings were not the same. I moved my stuff into the spare room but there was never any talk that anyone should move out. In fact, we actually seemed to be getting along BETTER that week than we had in the previous weeks. Talking, laughing, sharing dinners together. We didn't even tell our friends about the breakup because we felt the timing wasn't right yet. Then, a few days later everything changed.

 

Basically I see it like this: If you cared about someone, if you shared your life with them and built happy memories together, and they themselves never seriously hurt you or broke your trust, then in my view you still owe that person a certain degree of consideration and respect. Anything less is is an insult to the love you once had for each other.

 

Maybe in your eyes what my ex did does not count as a betrayal, but to me it certainly felt like one, and I'm pretty sure it felt like that to her as well. I agree in that this is not something I should carry into my next relationship, and I wont, but it IS going to take a while to fully move on from the pain and hurt.

[me85]

I get that you want to civil when around each other but IMO I would've waited until I bumped into her before trying to say, "Let's at least be amicable when we see each other." through FB. So, sending a friend request wasn't the best decision but it's not the end of the world either.

[BC1980]

OP, whatever you feel is okay. Everyone's experience is different, and we view things differently. I felt very betrayed by my ex, but he felt he did little wrong. In particular, he said betrayal wasn't a fair word to use. Well, it was to me. If anything, I've learned that it's okay to feel what you feel without judgement.