tinkerbellez Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Hi guys, My ex and I broke up about two months ago. He dumped me for various reasons, but the main one was distance. We are both 18 and he moved out of state to go to university. It seemed the glamour and busyness of college made him fall out of love with me. He said the distance was too much for him to handle and that he felt we lost our "spark". He said that perhaps in the future we would get back together and that we wanted to stay "good friends". Shortly before the breakup, I kept hounding him about why he was acting so distant towards me and that's when he finally cut the tie. At first he said I was complaining too much to give me affection. I denied at the time it was too much and he said, "yeah, we text 24/7 and most of the time its complaining from you and constant negativity towards everything". Over the weeks I've realized that it was much more than "distance" that was the problem. I've put myself into his shoes and can see why the breakup happened and it was overall a good thing that it happened otherwise my behavior would have continued. I realize I acted very wrongly towards him. When he left for college, and even the weeks leading up to his departure, I had constantly been depressed, mostly because he was leaving. I made it seem like it was the end of the world. When he left, my behavior got REALLY irrational. I was constantly nagging to him about my problems that weren't really that problematic for the sake of getting his pity, I wasn't supportive at all toward his endeavors and goals, I was always complaining and being negative about everything all the time. At the same time I was jealous and needy towards him. I was mad that he was having a fun time with his friends when I thought he should have been moping about not being with me. I can now see why he lost his love and attraction for me. I still love him with all my heart and want him back. I've been trying to better myself and actually gain some confidence as I had absolutely none before when I was dating. I'm trying to be content with just myself and appreciating ME for me. But at times, I just get this unbearable feeling of missing my ex. I'm actively trying to get him back, I've been taking advice from other "get your ex back gurus" and just incorporating what I think pertains to my situation. I did NC for two weeks to get level-headed again because at the breakup I was a total spazz. We have been texting each other 2-3 times a week over the past month or so. The relationship and the breakup have not come up, and just talk about surface level topics like school. I've even been going out of my way to talk about football with him and I don't even like it (he LOVES it). I notice that he seems happy to talk to me at times and at other times he is very awkward or cold/withdrawn. I don't know what to do to get him to open up to me more like he used to. He has been reaching out to me though, I'd say he initiates 50-75% of the contact. Some of our conversations are rather dull and pointless, but I guess it's better than having him not wanting anything to do with me. Our conversations have been light and cheery, I'm not being a negative b-word like I was before. At the time of our breakup we agreed to postpone seeing each other in October when he was up to visit. We had said we would see each other "as friends" when he was up for Thanksgiving. But that was nearly two months ago and the topic of meeting up again hasn't come up. I'm wondering how I should bring it up and when? I think I should bring it up sometime this week, I doubt he will. And is there anyway I can get him to be more warm with me? Sometimes he talks about his problems with me, but there hasn't been any flirting. I haven't flirted because I'm scared I would just drive him away or I'd seem desperate to get him back. I'm wondering if you guys can give me any pointers about what I can do to better up my chances for reconciliation? I realize that getting him back may never happen, but I don't want to live my life in regret for not at least trying. And I know that "he's in college he's bound to have other relationships and flings". I realize that too, but he is decent, doesn't drink, and is working hard towards his goals, and not letting any distractions get in way (I was a distraction to him, another reason he dumped me). I do want him in my life though. Sorry this was so long, but if anyone can give me any tips about how I can improve things I'd appreciate it, thanks!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 OP, I don't think I would count on seeing him over Thanksgiving. It would be awkward and probably give you false hope. If he hasn't already brought it up, I would guess he's not too eager to meet. Whose idea was it to meet then? I would just be hesitant to hang out with an ex when you're on two different pages. You can't really get him to be warmer towards you. He's either feeling it or he isn't. At this point, you're basically doing all you can do to keep things friendly. Has he given you any indication he wants to reconcile? If you were a distraction (as you indicated) and that was one of the reasons he ended it, I'm not sure getting back together is in the cards right now.
Tayla Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 based solely on your ages and phases in life, its best to step back til you can honestly revise the friendship foundation. There is a crack in it from the behaviors of you both. There may well be time down the road to rekindle the dating side. For now though he is growing in another direction. Wish there was a simple answer to bring happiness to you both ... yet so often it takes hard lessons to bring simple results.
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 It's too early to be just friends. If you want more & the EX is only offering friendship, stay away. Being near that person will only hurt you. 1
Author tinkerbellez Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 OP, I don't think I would count on seeing him over Thanksgiving. It would be awkward and probably give you false hope. If he hasn't already brought it up, I would guess he's not too eager to meet. Whose idea was it to meet then? I would just be hesitant to hang out with an ex when you're on two different pages. You can't really get him to be warmer towards you. He's either feeling it or he isn't. At this point, you're basically doing all you can do to keep things friendly. Has he given you any indication he wants to reconcile? If you were a distraction (as you indicated) and that was one of the reasons he ended it, I'm not sure getting back together is in the cards right now. I think I'll ask him about meeting up and just see how he reacts. He did say at the time of the breakup that he still wanted to hangout as "friends" and that he missed me. Of course, he hasn't said that lately, and he probably doesn't want to face me yet. If you ask me, if he wants to pursue this "friendship" thing I would think he would still make an effort to see me once in awhile. As far as reconciliation goes, the only thing he's doing is willing to communicate with me on a friendly basis. He does reach out to me a lot so it's not like I'm hounding him to communicate. And I may have misspoken, he never said I was a distraction, but his excuse was that he was too busy to pursue a romantic relationship with me right now.
love2ride Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 I just tried the friend thing with my ex after two months big mistake!! I thought I was over her and when I saw her all my feelings came back. We hung out three different times even had sex. Then i pushed, Can we get back together. Answer was no i just wanna have u as my friend. Then she cut off the sex. The entire time she was making me jealous by saying how amazing her life was without me and loved being single and blah blah blah. She went out on a date one night and i lost it I texted her and told her this is bull**** i want commitment or we can't talk. lol OK we shouldn't talk. Now I'm going through all the pain over again. DON'T DO IT
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