sunshine n rain Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (I did post this elsewhere but i wanted to see if the response would be different) When a person tells you s/he doesn't like title, is that definite sign that they are trying keep their options open, not that into you or etc? I've posted before and I've had concerns about this guy previously but things have changed but maybe not for the better. I talked to him about my concerns and how I felt disappointed by him telling me I can date other people when I thought things were getting serious between us. He apologized, he said he was putting work first and thought that I wouldn't wait around for him if he wasn't going to able to see me or talk as much. I told him he made me feel like I was nothing and like was trying to just throw me away. He said he knows he can come off as cold and like he doesn't care but that wasn't true and he just doesn't know how to express himself. Well, we got passed that and not too long ago I asked him about where it was going. I told specifically that I wasn't asking him to say I'm his girlfriend but I was just wondering if we are progressing because I'm not looking for anything casual or a hookup type situation (which he already knew but just reiterated for clarification). He said this is not a fwb or hookup situation and if u think it is, we can stop having sex because I don't want you to feel used. I said well what are we? He said well we are much more than fwb, I think we are bf/gf-ish. Uhhh okay? What does that mean? Well I'm slow to make these kinds of decisions like I told you before...I just don't like society's definition of bf/gf...I don't think you can simplify what someone is to you by a title or a word. I told him honestly, (even though it sounded crazy), that I feel mlike he's been my boyfriend since we had sex, he said yes you are right, you can call me your boyfriend but I'd rather explain to people what you mean to me and let them call it what they want. He has made such an effort to make the "relationship" work, asking what he can do better, actually doing it and I know that u can't make people change. I just don't know which him is the real him (the beginning or the more recent). I know circumstances cause situations to change but ugh I just don't know. Me, personally, I don't get it but that's just me. I don't want to assume that just because he doesn't want to call me his gf doesn't mean he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Or I'm an idiot? ...blind...whatever you want to call it. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt but my gut feeling is telling me...run. Or at least end it and be friends. Ugh I feel like such an idiot! I know I need to get out of this now.
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 It just sounds weird to me. He says he'd rather sit and explain to individual people 'what you mean to him' then let them call you what they want? It should be about what HE wants you to be to him, not what other people want to think. Plus if he says 'well she's amazing, I love spending time with her, she's smart and funny and I can't get enough of her' they'll just think 'girlfriend or almost-girlfriend' anyway. I think he's avoiding something. The fact he's willing to end it, stop having sex, rather than actually call you his girlfriend is very worrying indeed. This is presuming you've been together more than a month or two. He isn't saying that he knows it's important to you and asking you to be his girlfriend (it's important to you, so it's important full stop whatever some people think about titles) so things can carry on, he's saying 'well fine, if you won't accept being friends with benefits we'll just call the whole thing off full stop'. Maybe he likes being able to tell others he's single so he can act how he wants when you're not around. Maybe it's just me but when I know I've got a good thing going on with a guy, I can't wait to be able to call him my boyfriend. And vice versa, no successful relationship I've ever had has started with a guy on the fence saying he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend, it's always been a case of both can't wait to make it official and having to hold back so as not to rush. I think usually within two to four weeks is the general time period before from starting to date somebody and someone saying 'so, what are we?' and getting all giddy being able to now call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe it sounds childish but it feels amazing to me to refer to this amazing new person I can't get enough of as 'my boyfriend' and it's been mutual! He told you he didn't mind if you dated other people. Doesn't matter how consumed with work he is, if he has the time to see you and have sex with you he has the time to be your boyfriend. Telling you he's not bothered if you have sex with or date other guys shows how interested in you he is. I think you're being used for sex. But he's not exactly trying to be deceptive about it to keep the gravy train flowing, you're just accepting any old crap from him because you like him so much. 1
WhatIsLove2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Too many mixed signals... Yall have been dating 3 months (I think you said in your last thread) but.... He cares about you but doesn't want to call you his girlfriend? Will he define yall relationship at all? Like I understand people don't like titles but at least giving you exclusivity or telling you yall are in a relationship would be better than just wondering. Like "I'm not going to call u my girlfriend but we are in a romantic relationship"....I mean is that too much to ask for? 1
preraph Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 He's splitting hairs. He wants all the perks of bf/gf with none of the obligations. Have you been dating at least 3 months? If so, your questions aren't out of line. If it''s less than that, it's too early. It's a sign of not wanting to take on any responsibility. Most people would prefer a responsible bf. The problem is once you get started out this way, where you're not allowed to have expectations, it's very hard to change that down the road. 1
Author sunshine n rain Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 He's splitting hairs. He wants all the perks of bf/gf with none of the obligations. Have you been dating at least 3 months? If so, your questions aren't out of line. If it''s less than that, it's too early. It's a sign of not wanting to take on any responsibility. Most people would prefer a responsible bf. The problem is once you get started out this way, where you're not allowed to have expectations, it's very hard to change that down the road. We have been dating almost 4 months. He's the type of guy who has it together in every way but just doesn't in social situations (friends, dating, etc) he doesn't have many friends and really only talks to his family and me besides coworkers. Also, we haven't had sex since that conversation. When he told me he didnt mind me dating others, he made it clear that if it got serious to let him know because he want to be waiting and caring if I'm building a life with someone else. I asked him directly if he saw this going anywhere and if he thought he just wanted to be friends..told him I didn't want to get deeper and deeper in my feelings for someone who just didn't see the connection. He said he definitely doesn't want to be just friends but 3 months was just too soon for him to make a commitment.
Recommended Posts