She contacted me after months of silence - I'm still struggling to let go!

[why_man]

First post

 

I split with my ex of 4 years last Christmas. She decided quite spontaneously to move to another country for a job opportunity and gave me very little notice of this (less than a month and she was gone). We parted on good terms as there was no 3rd party involved and it was a life/career decision on her part I guess but it was very emotional and I was devastated and this was clear to her. I told myself at the time in my delusional state that it was mutual as I didn't suggest a long distance relationship due to being so confused about things. But I now realise she had a simple decision between me and taking a risk on a new job at very short notice and she chose the job. Therefore, I was dumped.

 

She has now been away almost a year and I had not heard from her since February. We had some initial post-breakup contact and talk of visits etc and then she texted me on Valentines which got my hopes up. Then she cut me off and didn't contact me again. She ignored an email I sent her a couple of months later and so after that, I begrudgingly went NC and ignored her birthday etc.

 

Then the other day out of the blue, she contacted me through my blog, commenting on my work (I'm an artist) and saying she hopes I'm doing well etc. My initial reaction was joy (sucker lol) but then I realised that this message really means absolutely nothing. My first instinct was to reply but I think I've finally wised up to the whole NC thing and I just can't do it this time. I do still love her, unfortunately, and I still think about her an awful lot. But its been almost a year and I am still hung up on her and this also bothers me greatly. I have not dated or been with anyone else since (I'm terrible at approaching women basically)

 

To be totally honest, I'm not even sure what kind of advice I'm even looking for here. I just need to get this off my chest as I haven't spoken about it with anyone since the breakup and I'm just emotionally drained from all the pain and introspection I have been through this year. I want to move on with my life now and I guess NC is the way to go. Guess I'm just clinging. I am puzzled why she decided to contact me after all this time. I'm convinced that even seemingly innocent messages always have some kind of ulterior motive. Not sure if that is a fair assumption?

 

Basically, I just need reassuring that NC is the way forward and any other possible thoughts on the situation.

[hudson701]

Ex did the exact same thing last weekend, after 3 months radio silence. We also broke up in February. It has totally screwed my head up. She just made small talk said she was thinking of me. Of course I'm still not over her so I asked for a meet, which she declined and that she doesn't want to get back together. The negative of this is of course she was just looking for an ego stroke, to appease her guilt over dumping me and to see if I'm 'still there'. However, there is a positive: in the 8 months since she split from me, after probably lots of dating/shagging round, she still hasn't met anyone who came close to making her feel the way I did. That she admitted straight out and that she's single. Of course I've dated inbetween gone through girls like matches/fire but it hasn't helped, only made it worse. Despite her admission she definitely does not want to get back together even though it's the best connection she had.

 

It is what it is. I've been in tears again today there seems to be no end in sight after a rotten 2014 pining away.

 

Take some solace in the fact im going through the exact same as you. I don't have a big social circle like her unfortunately so I dread weekends- if I had the distractions it would ease the pain a bit, but I dont.

[why_man]

there seems to be no end in sight after a rotten 2014 pining away

 

Tell me about it. Feels like I've wasted the whole year thinking about her. 2015 will be better!

 

I don't have a big social circle like her unfortunately so I dread weekends- if I had the distractions it would ease the pain a bit, but I dont.

 

I can relate to this too. I'm in my 30s now so all of my friends are settling down and going out weekends is now a rare thing. Keeping busy in the week is not so bad, I can just get on with work and go to the gym evenings. But as soon as Friday night comes around...the whole weekend just seems to drag and I inevitably end up thinking about how my weekends used to be filled with my ex. I need some new hobby but I really don't know what yet

 

Interesting how you said that sleeping around has only made things worse too. I only wish I had the game to go out and get laid on a regular basis even though I know deep down that is not what I want.

[martaldn]

hold in there and dont reply.

there is nothing good for you back there and the NC is the only way to heal.

timing is different for everyone...but you will get there eventually.

she probably feels guilty and she wants to test the water for possible friendship? or its just an ego stroke in a low period of her life? or just curiosity... ? who knows? sometime there is not need to open the pandora's box but just keep on going with our life

good luck OP you do seem a very nice person.

[jphcbpa]

I would see this as a positive in your journey/recovery. Often ex's start sniffing around when they feel that "shift" in the universe and a void appears. To the outside looking in, that means you have done some healing and moving on. Do not put a timeline on healing. Keep taking care of you. Love is letting go.

[why_man]

sometime there is not need to open the pandora's box but just keep on going with our life

 

This is the way I see it too. That curiosity is there, its addictive in a way, wanting to know what she's doing even though the truth would probably hurt a lot.

 

Often ex's start sniffing around when they feel that "shift" in the universe and a void appears

 

How do you mean? I do feel a slight sense of closure beginning to emerge I think

[jphcbpa]

 

 

How do you mean? I do feel a slight sense of closure beginning to emerge I think

 

The universe abhors a vacuum...seems to be a spiritual law of some kind. people "know" intuitively when shifts occur

[hudson701]

You've mentioned game- that's what I've learnt this year. Follow the Rational Male, Chateau Heartiste and understand the true brutal nature of women. Swallow the red pill begin to grieve and work through it. It has literally changed my life, I will never be the same person again around a woman.

 

A must read for anyone waking up to the fact of just how women behave.

[candie13]

You need to understand that what she wants, thinks or says is her business altogether. If she contacts you on stupid reasons... well, that's not good enough. You may respond or not, but don't fool yourself, that is NOT a come back. A real comeback is someone saying "been a jerk, really miss you, can you ever forgive me, I wanna get back to you"

 

Did she say that? No !

 

You need to let go. I am sure you two had a special connection, but she is out. The fact that after all this time, you are still clinging onto her, shows you have deeper issues. Work on them. Maybe it's abandonment issues. MAybe it's social anxiety.

 

And I know it sounds terrible, but seeing other people helps. There are fun women, out there, you can have a good time and it can be just light and spontaneous, not necessarily deep and meaningful, you know what I mean?

 

But it all starts with you deciding to move on and taking active steps in that direction. See a therapist, read books, do some meditation, go out on dates... don't just stay there. God helps those who help themselves.

 

Best of luck !

[why_man]

You need to let go. I am sure you two had a special connection, but she is out. The fact that after all this time, you are still clinging onto her, shows you have deeper issues. Work on them. Maybe it's abandonment issues. MAybe it's social anxiety.

 

And I know it sounds terrible, but seeing other people helps. There are fun women, out there, you can have a good time and it can be just light and spontaneous, not necessarily deep and meaningful, you know what I mean?

 

But it all starts with you deciding to move on and taking active steps in that direction. See a therapist, read books, do some meditation, go out on dates... don't just stay there. God helps those who help themselves.

 

I have suffered with anxiety throughout my life but it has improved these days I think. I have definitely thought about the abandonment thing too, I'm aware I shouldn't still be clinging like this after almost 12 months.

 

As for seeing other girls, easier said than done! But thats another issue altogether. Thanks for the advice