About Asking for what you want

[sm2281]

So, all the articles and books say: Ask for what you want.

 

I get that. I really do. Men are not mind readers.

 

But when does asking for what you want, turn into telling him what you want, and he conforms himself to be that.

 

I am not a big fan of changing a person.

I don't want to "change" anyone.

 

But if I keep asking for stuff to change, when does it become asking him to change who he is?

 

For example: I think he is a cheap skate, and I told him that the other day. I am an independent woman who thinks that 50/50 means 50/50. But, that doesnt mean I don't still want to be treated like a lady.

I want a man who in life wants things to be 50/50 - but a man who still wants to pay for dates and do relationship things traditionally.

I told him that. It made him feel aweful. It made me feel aweful.

But if he is a cheap skate at dates and I want that from someone, then when is it asking for too much. Yea, I can spoil myself a little bit, but I am in a relationship because I don't want to spoil myself, I want someone else to do it.

 

He says he likes me because I work on my own car, he thinks its sexy when women get out of the gender role and do thosae things. Do I like to work on my own car? **** no. I do it because I HAD to. Becasue I can't afford a mechanic to do every thing for me.

I told him that too. So when my car gets broke, he is probably going to expect me to fix it myself -- which I did anyway. I had to change a fuel pump on my own while we were dating. It felt crappy having to do that by myself and he is a car guy. He didnt even offer to help.

I told him all this too. I can fix my own car if I have to. But I want a boyfriend to do it for me or help me with it at least. . . .

 

I told him I get tired of not feeling important to him. Maybe we speak different love languages.

I tell him what I want. And still he stays. We don't break up.

It's like he doesnt care. He makes more than I do, and I pay for almost everything on the weekends.

I want someone who is going to pay for me. For freaking once.

Yea, Im independent. Yea, I can do it on my own. But who says I freaking want to. I wouldnt be looking at getting into a serousl relationship if I wanted to be in one by myself.

 

Am I right? Should I keep asking for things? Because people are ultimately going to do what they are going to do anyway.

 

. . . . .so maybe I should break up with him.

 

Oh yea,

We are supposed to be doing advent calanders for each other for cchristmas. I spent 300$ on his. ANd last night he says "we doooont haaaave to fill all the pockets."

I had to start early because I have kids to account for as well. . . .

 

so idk whatta do.

I love him for who he is, but this is totally not what I am looking for in a boyfriend. I want a man who is going to spoil me a little and make me feel like I am worth the time AND the money. You invest your time and money in a person to show you care, and to show they are worth it, because they ARE. Not because they ****ing had to tell you. Right??

 

Not a gold digger, just want to not "go dutch" all the time. In life aspects, i see that 50-50 is an awesome way to be. But who wants to get dressed up, go to a restaurant, and then pay for them selves. . . . .it's been 6 months now, 8 by christmas. How are you supposed to tell.

bleck.

 

Rant over.

[Copelandsanity]

Being cheap is at the core of who he is and will likely never change. I know because I am too Not to the point that he is, but frugality is an ingrained attribute of mine, and takes personal and targeted effort to shift that mentality from time and time when it gets too excessive. What helps me is focusing on using the money I've made to invest back into my life and others to make it happier and more fulfilling. And that's what how I believe you should frame your communication to him. Telling him that he's a cheapskate, that you want to be treated like a lady, that you want him to pay for dates...yes, that is the truth, but it made the both of you feel awful because the message came from a place of negativity, and you emasculated him.

 

Try communicating with him again, but to frame it from a more positive perspective; what I mean is speaking about the feelings you have when a man takes you out, the feelings he would have from doing so, and about investing into the relationship...and it's not necessarily about spending such and such money, but it's about generating the emotions that come from that dynamic of male and female energy.

[Redhead14]

So, all the articles and books say: Ask for what you want.

 

I get that. I really do. Men are not mind readers.

 

But when does asking for what you want, turn into telling him what you want, and he conforms himself to be that.

 

I am not a big fan of changing a person.

I don't want to "change" anyone.

 

But if I keep asking for stuff to change, when does it become asking him to change who he is?

 

For example: I think he is a cheap skate, and I told him that the other day. I am an independent woman who thinks that 50/50 means 50/50. But, that doesnt mean I don't still want to be treated like a lady.

I want a man who in life wants things to be 50/50 - but a man who still wants to pay for dates and do relationship things traditionally.

I told him that. It made him feel aweful. It made me feel aweful.

But if he is a cheap skate at dates and I want that from someone, then when is it asking for too much. Yea, I can spoil myself a little bit, but I am in a relationship because I don't want to spoil myself, I want someone else to do it.

 

He says he likes me because I work on my own car, he thinks its sexy when women get out of the gender role and do thosae things. Do I like to work on my own car? **** no. I do it because I HAD to. Becasue I can't afford a mechanic to do every thing for me.

I told him that too. So when my car gets broke, he is probably going to expect me to fix it myself -- which I did anyway. I had to change a fuel pump on my own while we were dating. It felt crappy having to do that by myself and he is a car guy. He didnt even offer to help.

I told him all this too. I can fix my own car if I have to. But I want a boyfriend to do it for me or help me with it at least. . . .

 

I told him I get tired of not feeling important to him. Maybe we speak different love languages.

I tell him what I want. And still he stays. We don't break up.

It's like he doesnt care. He makes more than I do, and I pay for almost everything on the weekends.

I want someone who is going to pay for me. For freaking once.

Yea, Im independent. Yea, I can do it on my own. But who says I freaking want to. I wouldnt be looking at getting into a serousl relationship if I wanted to be in one by myself.

 

Am I right? Should I keep asking for things? Because people are ultimately going to do what they are going to do anyway.

 

. . . . .so maybe I should break up with him.

 

Oh yea,

We are supposed to be doing advent calanders for each other for cchristmas. I spent 300$ on his. ANd last night he says "we doooont haaaave to fill all the pockets."

I had to start early because I have kids to account for as well. . . .

 

so idk whatta do.

I love him for who he is, but this is totally not what I am looking for in a boyfriend. I want a man who is going to spoil me a little and make me feel like I am worth the time AND the money. You invest your time and money in a person to show you care, and to show they are worth it, because they ARE. Not because they ****ing had to tell you. Right??

 

Not a gold digger, just want to not "go dutch" all the time. In life aspects, i see that 50-50 is an awesome way to be. But who wants to get dressed up, go to a restaurant, and then pay for them selves. . . . .it's been 6 months now, 8 by christmas. How are you supposed to tell.

bleck.

 

Rant over.

 

You cannot tell him what/everything he is doing wrong. You should say what it is you do like about him and then say "I like it when a man takes me to dinner or buys me flowers, etc,". I like it when a man works on cars. I like it when you do things that make me feel special and cite something specific.

 

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

 

Let him know what it is you like/want in a non-threatening, non-confrontational, conversational way. YOu may have to do it a couple of times (not go nutz about it either). When the opportunity presents itself. Then step back and see how/if he responds. If he doesn't catch on, he doesn't care enough.

[sm2281]

thank you for your replies.

 

I did try not to say Cheap skate when I talked to him. I didn't exactly phrase it that way. I said, I hate paying for my own dates all the time, it's embarrassing.

*remembering when i picked up a $100 bill at a nice restaurant and when they handed him the bill, I paid and he pretended it was him by taking my card and paying for it, when every single other man at the table picked up the bill for their date. We werent with a group, but were at a communal dinner table at a sushi bar asian grill.

 

 

I appreciate the tips on wording, I explained to him in a different way than I did here. I was just angry while writing this, becaue I DO TRY to focus on things that are meaningful, because I LOVE him. And I am TRYING. . . . .very hard to not be impatient and spoiled (because I am in a lot of ways)

 

I am quite freugal too. But when I splurge, I splurge because it feels good to do that every now and then and I want him to feel that way too.

 

That's all.

 

I do appreciate the tips on making it positive. I hadnt really looked at it's how you say it and not what you say. Then again, I've never been one to sugar coat things either.

 

Hugs. Thanks!

[FitChick]

How old are you both? Has he ever had a serious relationship before?

[Redhead14]

thank you for your replies.

 

I did try not to say Cheap skate when I talked to him. I didn't exactly phrase it that way. I said, I hate paying for my own dates all the time, it's embarrassing.

*remembering when i picked up a $100 bill at a nice restaurant and when they handed him the bill, I paid and he pretended it was him by taking my card and paying for it, when every single other man at the table picked up the bill for their date. We werent with a group, but were at a communal dinner table at a sushi bar asian grill.

 

 

I appreciate the tips on wording, I explained to him in a different way than I did here. I was just angry while writing this, becaue I DO TRY to focus on things that are meaningful, because I LOVE him. And I am TRYING. . . . .very hard to not be impatient and spoiled (because I am in a lot of ways)

 

I am quite freugal too. But when I splurge, I splurge because it feels good to do that every now and then and I want him to feel that way too.

 

That's all.

 

I do appreciate the tips on making it positive. I hadnt really looked at it's how you say it and not what you say. Then again, I've never been one to sugar coat things either.

 

Hugs. Thanks!

 

Hugs to you too And, the one thing you said above which colors what you've told us, is that he took your card and seemingly made it appear that he was doing it. That's kinda not cool and possibly a flag about his motivation for being with you. Are you sure that he makes more than you do and/or is he having money issues? If this kind of thing happens often, I might keep it in the back of my head that he's might be using you for money if not now, but maybe some point in the future. If he starts asking for money . . . run.

 

As for breaking up with him . . . if he isn't doing other things that make you happy and doesn't respond to your "hints", etc., it is time to move on.

Edited November 20, 2014 by Redhead14

[sm2281]

Hugs to you too And, the one thing you said above which colors what you've told us, is that he took your card and seemingly made it appear that he was doing it. That's kinda not cool and possibly a flag about his motivation for being with you. Are you sure that he makes more than you do and/or is he having money issues? If this kind of thing happens often, I might keep it in the back of my head that he's might be using you for money if not now, but maybe some point in the future. If he starts asking for money . . . run.

 

As for breaking up with him . . . if he isn't doing other things that make you happy and doesn't respond to your "hints", etc., it is time to move on.

 

See, well he does.

I fight with this back and forth all the time.

 

We met online. And hit it off. Then we started dating exclusively. Even though I asked he take down pics of his ex and defriend her (because I had valid reason to believe he was still in love with her) he took down most of the pictures but did not delete her. He said he wouldnt talk to her. It took him 4 months to ask me out on a proper date, and I also stated concern about that. (asked ?'ns here too). I gave a little lee-way becuase I have been married before, and I understand that we are not married and so I have not thrown much of a fit about the social media.

 

I try to be positive. I take care of his dog too (and I don't even want a pet).

 

He says he is okay, and makes 17 an hour and I make 14p/t and dont have a car. I have told him all of this. He tries to come up with valid solutions. But essentially nothing changes. Tomorrow we are going out and I am going to have to pick up a 40$ bill for babysitting because he invited me to go to skate off (which I want to go and understand my child is mine so I understand that the baby sitting is my responsibility) but I cannot keep doing this all the time.

 

He doesn't have any kids.

I have stated that me having kids isn't going to change.

I don't think there is anyone else, as he spends most of his time on the phone with me and is at my place for most of the weekends.

I don't ask to see his phone. I don't know if I want to look, to be honest, so transparency is not there. I think it should be, but again I was married before he has not been.

So it's touch and go. There are alot of major things I LOVE about him. But some small things like the bill, the exes, etc, I understand that takes time.

 

We have talked about moving in together, but we are both touch and go on that because he knows I will break up with him, and I dont like some of his behaviors. If he is a cheapskate, I get that too. Hello, single mom here. But on that note, he wears all name brand clothing and has expensive things and barely wants to pay 5$ to take me out skating knowing I make less, and knowing I am gong to have to pay for a babysitter (which is alot considering I have a high needs terminal child).

 

So honestly, there are some things that do need to be worked out.

 

He wants me to meet his family. I am going to. But I am just not sure about it all in general, and the few things above add to the list. And even though it might not be abusive, or hateful, and things may be going well for the most part, maybe he is just not the one.

 

idk yet. maybe it just needs more time.

6 months is a long time to me tho. 4 months is a long time to wait to be asked out on a proper date, and I even had to ask that.

So we will see I guess. It's all about a little give and take though. Thats all.

[sm2281]

at one point he kept telling me "I am gonna marry you someday" and while it was sweet at first, I ended up telling him "maybe you shouldnt say things like that unless you are asking."

 

.. . . . .idk i just dont know about this one. I know it's not going to be perfect, but im all give and he is all take when it comes to some things.

 

and as for the advent thing - I asked him to tell me how much he was planning on spending for it. So that I could spend the same. Becuase if we are going to play that game, I can play that game. (so to speak)

This way I don't end up feeling like that. He hasnt given me an estimate, but I told him the most I spent on one pocket for it, which was 29$ and he said the most expensive he was going to get was 27$

 

and to be honest, about talking to him -- I just was ready to end it and cut my losses. I said I was thinking about giving up and moving on and he pressed me to nit pick on the things I didn't like. So I told him clearly and as nicely as I could how I felt about those things. . . .Because if this continues, I can't afford to keep spending extra on groceries to account for him being here and expecting these things. So I decided I would either stop, or move on. And I decided to move on becuase I am not the type of lady who wants to be stuck at home all the time. I was married for 10 years in an abusive manipulative relationship, and while my kids are very important and always take priority, I deserve to be treated like I deserve to be treated.

 

We are in our 30's. I was a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. I gave up alot for my kids while my hubby went to work. He is just immature but seems to be growing up now. He also says he is in his mid life crisis. But really he doesnt have alot on his plate at all. Just his job. I dunno for real if he makes more than I do. I know what he does, and how much he works, but I haven't seen it on paper. I am okay, I understand why I don't make as much as I should. I understand why he doesnt. But at times I want to just give up on it all. Because being in an abusive relationship with a man I loved, has taught me that I understand love bears a great deal of importance, but sometimes you have to sacrifice it for your own sanity and well being.

Edited November 21, 2014 by sm2281
additions.

[InsaneTrombone]

I'd cut my losses. He doesn't seem to 'get it'. You've given him plenty of signs, warnings, statements.

 

You aren't happy with him. Find someone else who will treat you the way you feel you should be treated. Move on.

[preraph]

On one hand, you're lucky he doesn't mind you getting out of the traditional gender roles. I think that's great. But you've got to strike some sort of balance you can both be happy with. I think the key is to use the most basic teaching technique there is: Praise him sweetly and reward him when he's doing things the way you like. Withdraw attention when he's not. This is good for animals and children and people of all ages. Some people like even negative attention, so don't do that if it can be avoided. I remember reading that with young puppies, they're never good for more than about 10 seconds in a row, but they trainers say to wait for that first chance and do the "Good girl" praise and then only lavish attention when they're having the calm moment and not chewing up your house. Don't lavish attention randomly when you're trying to train toward a goal. That does not mean to be negative or naggy or mean. You don't want your man on the defensive. Just always always let him know when he's doing something they way you like it, and it might even open up communication if he starts feeling comfortable that you're not going to get your hair up if he discusses it.

 

By the way, there's a new app out there called "Husband motivator." It asks a bunch of questions about you and your man and then applies, supposedly, psychology to a range of situations you need to work on and gives you ways to handle it.

[sm2281]

On one hand, you're lucky he doesn't mind you getting out of the traditional gender roles. I think that's great. But you've got to strike some sort of balance you can both be happy with. I think the key is to use the most basic teaching technique there is: Praise him sweetly and reward him when he's doing things the way you like. Withdraw attention when he's not. This is good for animals and children and people of all ages. Some people like even negative attention, so don't do that if it can be avoided. I remember reading that with young puppies, they're never good for more than about 10 seconds in a row, but they trainers say to wait for that first chance and do the "Good girl" praise and then only lavish attention when they're having the calm moment and not chewing up your house. Don't lavish attention randomly when you're trying to train toward a goal. That does not mean to be negative or naggy or mean. You don't want your man on the defensive. Just always always let him know when he's doing something they way you like it, and it might even open up communication if he starts feeling comfortable that you're not going to get your hair up if he discusses it.

 

By the way, there's a new app out there called "Husband motivator." It asks a bunch of questions about you and your man and then applies, supposedly, psychology to a range of situations you need to work on and gives you ways to handle it.

 

idk if ishould like this or dislike it. . . .on the one hand it works. On the other hand its kinda dirty