martaldn Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 This morning, I woke up. I told her that I do not trust her anymore and she have two options : 1-You stop right now. No more bull****. No more secrets. No more passwords. No more talking with this guy. 2-I'm leaving. You decide. The ball is in your hand. You don't stop? I'm outta here. And I left for work. I think you have taken the right decision. reading your posts didnt look like she was taking you too serious. Hope she will understand what she is risking before its too late best of luck burtoncbell! 1
CarrieT Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The only difference being, OP, is that *YOU* are not the one to leave the marital home. In no way should you abandon your property or your assets. Tell her to leave. And then follow all of Oldshirt's advice. 5
oldshirt Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Correct ^^^^^ She needs to be the one that leaves the marital home. She is the one that is disregarding the marriage and bringing another man into the home and marriage, therefor if she continues to maintain contact with OM it needs to be from her own domicile on her own dime. She has the right to ride off into the sunset with OM if she wants, she just has no right to expect any quarter and comfort or support from you to do it. You have stated your position, stated your expectations and limits and have informed her of the consequences of what will occur if she oversteps. However the catch is now you are obligated to follow up the words with actions. She has demonstrated that your words don't mean much to her and she has no respect for what you say. In order to stand any chance at all, you are going to have to be ready, willing and able to take definitive actions and actually follow through with your ultimatum. If she continues to stay in contact with OM and all you do is huff and puff and make more threats, then you have essentially pulled off your balls and set them on the shelf. She will have won and you will be cuckholded where she has her fun with OM while you pay her bills, feed her, house her and run errands and chores for her. If you don't follow through with actions, you become her handmaiden while the OM lays the lumber to her. 4
martaldn Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I think Op wanted to say that he will leave the relationship... ?
Brooke02 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 OP, I'm happy to hear you stood your ground this morning. You MUST hold to it, this isn't gonna just go away. How do you know for sure she hasn't already slept with this guy? You might not ever know. Your passiveness (IMO) is coming off as if you've already mentally checked out as well?? That's the problem with long marriages, people take what they have for granted, and you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. You need to fight this! It's gonna be hard to get over this even if she does stop, the trust is gone. How have you not gotten on there and ripped this Jock a new one? Any man who is involved with a married wonen would run the moment the husband confronted him..
Author burtoncbell Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Yes, if she cheats/have cheated, I would leave the relationship, not the home. In the past years, everything was fine. Everything was wide open, her facebook, emails, everything. I did not even snoop once. But the last months have been hell. I caught her deleting her history, deleting her fb messages with the jock, sending his phone number to her other email, creeping on his pictures, sending good night kisses, the list goes on. This behavior is not normal. I haven't checked out because, honestly, I'd like that our kids live in an united family. She was a good person. I love her. But I don't trust her. The ball is in her hand. 3
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 This Jock guy sounds weak. He's a weak orbiter that just hangs around. And he's friendzoned. And you base that conclusion on what, exactly?
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Cont... I would also find away to contact this jock dude and end his little ass-grabbing fun with this particular married woman. If he's that much of a stud-boy he will lose interest in this particular girl once it starts inconveniencing him. On the contrary. Tell him you don't want to stand in the way of true love, and that you're backing off because the better man has won. He can have her. THAT really freaks out a guy that's treating another guy's wife as if she was his go-to sex on the sly girl.
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Furious, I grabbed her computer, guess who it was? The stupid jock again! I was boiling and confronted her about him. She laughed, saying that she does not have a crush on him. I asked her why did you send his number to your other email address? Why do you delete messages? Never had an answer. Now she's been ignoring me. And I don,t talk to her either. Pull the plug on this relationship, bro.
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 This morning, I woke up. I told her that I do not trust her anymore and she have two options : 1-You stop right now. No more bull****. No more secrets. No more passwords. No more talking with this guy. 2-I'm leaving. You decide. The ball is in your hand. You don't stop? I'm outta here. And I left for work. One too many choices, bro. You should have told her to leave and go hang out with boyfriend.
italianjob Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Yeah... Don't leave your house, you didn't step out of the marriage, she did. You can't force her to go away. This morning you took a stand with words, now you have to follow it up with facts, or your credibility will be dead. If she keeps on behaving like she's been doing, protect your finances, see an attorney and file for D. Being served will show her that you mean business and there's no place for playing around...
oldshirt Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) Ok now that the gauntlet has been laid down we need to start facing a few facts. Even though her affair has been primarily electronic, there is a very real possibility that they had some kind of contact back when they were working together and this is more of an old BF rather than just some internet fantasy man. The big issue here is their affair is pretty entrenched and not just some flirty emails. She has an actual emotional investment with him. If you come home tonight and she is all hugs and smiles and is trying to act like life is all wonderful and normal, IT IS AN ACT. Life is not normal here, she has been having an affair and has actual feelings for another man. If she is acting like life is normal, it is an act and she has taken it underground. You will have to use keylogger programs and VARs etc to uncover the truth. If you come home and she is pissed at you and upset and is belligerent and pissy, it means she taking your threats at least somewhat seriously and upset about having her side fun disrupted. This is likely going to take a long time to completely fix and it will also probably need professional counseling/therapy. My point is, you huffing and puffing and making threats has not fixed this. You are far far away from the finish line. If she is acting normal, it is because she is putting on a front and is just biding her time until she feels she has you bamboozeled enough and then she is going to start up with him again. It means she has just taken it underground. Edited November 20, 2014 by oldshirt 1
oldshirt Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Keep in mind you huffed and puffed and made threats today but then you left the house. That means she has had a whole day to delete emails and txts and set up new email and facebook accounts and may have even picked up a new secret phone to keep in contact with him. you are going to have to go into detective mode to ferret them out now. 1
Author burtoncbell Posted November 21, 2014 Author Posted November 21, 2014 Just an update. I'm done. The relationship is over. Found an email talking about a night they spent in an hotel room a few weeks ago. The email was explicit : they had sex. I was so in shock but also glad I found this because this was the last proof I needed to convince myself. I printed the email, showed it to her and told her that it was over and that she should get the f out of here. Thanks everyone for your support. You helped me stand up in this situation. 3
Realist3 Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Sorry about that. It was pretty obvious by her actions what was taking place. How did she react when you showed her the email?
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Condolences, Burton. There will be considerable fallout now. We are here for you so keep posting as you need... 1
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Sorry to hear that but kudos to you that you kept digging and found the truth and didn't just take her word for it that they were "just friends." Now you need to take immediate action and lawyer up and start working on protecting your home, assets and access to your children. She is going to be pissed that her fun time is being disrupted and she is going to go for your throat in a divorce for every penny she can. This stud boy is going to bang her a few more times then he is going to shuck her off to the side when he is done with her and she is going to be desperate. Desperation makes people do very dangerous and unpredictable things. You need to start circling your wagons and protect yourself right this moment. You are already behind the 8-ball because she has probably been planning this for a long time. You need to jump into action immediately. 3
martaldn Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Just an update. I'm done. The relationship is over. Found an email talking about a night they spent in an hotel room a few weeks ago. The email was explicit : they had sex. I was so in shock but also glad I found this because this was the last proof I needed to convince myself. I printed the email, showed it to her and told her that it was over and that she should get the f out of here. Thanks everyone for your support. You helped me stand up in this situation. I am so sorry to hear that but at least now you know the whole true. be strong good luck for the future OP
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 This stud boy is going to bang her a few more times then he is going to shuck her off to the side when he is done with her and she is going to be desperate. Desperation makes people do very dangerous and unpredictable things. You need to start circling your wagons and protect yourself right this moment. You are already behind the 8-ball because she has probably been planning this for a long time. You need to jump into action immediately. ^ ^ ^ Repeated for Emphasis ^ ^ ^ Oldshirt (and others) have been spot-on from the beginning. Please heed his advice.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 This stud boy is going to bang her a few more times then he is going to shuck her off to the side when he is done with her and she is going to be desperate. Desperation makes people do very dangerous and unpredictable things. You need to start circling your wagons and protect yourself right this moment. And this includes protecting yourself emotionally against what is often the next step - "Sorry, I made a mistake and want to come home". Get ready for her to try Plan B when A doesn't work out... Mr. Lucky
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 And this includes protecting yourself emotionally against what is often the next step - "Sorry, I made a mistake and want to come home". Get ready for her to try Plan B when A doesn't work out... Mr. Lucky Yes that will likely occur at some point ^^^^^^ You need a game plan in place on how you will handle it when she wants to come back so you can house her and feed her and pay her bills after she brushed you off while riding some other guy like a big white horse. She has played you as a chump and got busted. She scored that one. The question is will you let yourself be played a chump again when she wants to come back to Plan B after Jock Boy doesn't work out.
Brooke02 Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 And this includes protecting yourself emotionally against what is often the next step - "Sorry, I made a mistake and want to come home". Get ready for her to try Plan B when A doesn't work out... Mr. Lucky It will be hard because you love her and this is a sad time. If you choose to except it and stay with her it will most likely end later, indefidelity is very hard to overcome. The trust is gone, you will not be happy. Don't choose to except it to avoid the pain. (IMO) and experience.
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Just an update. I'm done. The relationship is over. Found an email talking about a night they spent in an hotel room a few weeks ago. The email was explicit : they had sex. I was so in shock but also glad I found this because this was the last proof I needed to convince myself. I printed the email, showed it to her and told her that it was over and that she should get the f out of here. Thanks everyone for your support. You helped me stand up in this situation. Sorry that she did this to you. She is in a fog and now will 'see' how life is without you in hers! Be strong, she might freak out and beg to not be kicked out, let her go. She needs to hit rock bottom and suffer consequences of her selfish choices.
Emerald_11 Posted November 22, 2014 Posted November 22, 2014 Hi, I am so sorry to hear the worst thing that could have happened did. Sounds like you are making the best decision to be done. I have similar issues with my husband not doing chores around the house because its "women's work" it is super frustrating. I get so exhausted sometimes working and going to school and also taking care of our house, pets and our kids and going to events at their school etc...My husband almost never participates in anything to do with my kids school. All of these things seem to be a responsibility that is only mine in his mind when I think it should be more equal sharing of these responsibilities... I admit I have gotten sort of bored/burnt out with being with him but I am trying to work on it. I told my husband things could be better and I think it is time to go to marriage counseling a couple times the first time he said we don't need that but the other day he said he might consider going with me.... A few months ago I met a guy in a class at my college that I guess I was being a little too friendly to without realizing it. I am ashamed to admit I have stalked him on facebook and looked at his pictures. I decided it was totally creepy for me to do that and I wont do it again. I never gave him my number or contacted him though. I wont ever send him a friend request or do anything like that and now I try my best not to sit near him anymore or talk to him in class. I think if your wife would have talked to you about issues she could have worked things out and kept your family intact. Or maybe she did try to talk about this stuff but nothing changed....but she did what she did & that is that. Be mindful of what is said in front of the kids. Be very careful to never say anything bad about her even though you are hurting. Good luck to you!!-
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