Is my wife obsessed with him?

[burtoncbell]

Something is telling me that bad things will soon happen to the computer and tablet !!!

[lollipopspot]

Something is telling me that bad things will soon happen to the computer and tablet !!!

 

If you actually want to make your marriage work and retain an intact family for your kids, you need to approach this in a more mature manner, regardless of how you think she is behaving. She's already told you about her dissatisfaction in the marriage, very specifically, and you admitted that her complaints had some merit. What are you going to do about it?

 

In other words, you know that this didn't come out of nowhere.

[CarrieT]

Concur with Lollipopspot; a sudden failure of the computer or tablet she is using isn't going to make her magically stop what she is going and the elephant in the room will remain.

 

How are you maturely going to deal with this situation?

[oldshirt]

Confronted her a few hours ago.

 

I accused her of having an EA with him. I told her that she have me and she cannot just creep on another man. I also asked her why did he gave her his number? She said because he is a friend! I said that she has obviously a crush on him, I am not stupid!

 

She denied it, saying that there's nothing wrong with the fact that she talks to him. She also said that I am jealous and must stop acting like this. She then started talking about something else. I kept bringing the subject to the table but she acted like she didn't care.

 

The hours went and I fell asleep on the couch. At one point, I opened my eyes. Laying on the other side of the couch, I could see the screen. She though I was still sleeping because I kept my eyes almost completely shut. I could see what was going on on the computer screen.

 

She was looking at his pictures again! She then went through their messages and copy/pasted his phone number. She opened her email, pasted the number and sent it to her other email account. She then deleted the sent message and the entire facebook conversation.

 

She is well aware that I know something is going on and she keeps on doing that! What the hell is wrong with her?

 

Counseling is out of question because she said we don't have any issues that needs counseling.

 

 

Do you see that she responded EXACTLY as people said she would with anger, denial, rugsweeping, downplaying and accusations of meddling? This means she is following a well documented script....it is the script of an adulterer.

 

The fact that she transferred his info over to another email and deleted the stuff you found indicates she has no remorse, no concern for you or the marriage and has full intention of continuing to interact with the OM.

 

This is a very serious situation. In fact it's worse than I originally thought.

 

Cont...

[burtoncbell]

I'll change. I'll do my best to be a better husband at home but I just can't ignore what's going on with the jock. Why would she keep his number -and hide it- if he's just a friend?

 

Will still keep an eye on her and her electronic devices...

 

Why? Because I've lost lots of trust in her, even if she did not jump the fence in my opinion.

 

But trust me, if she ever jumps the fence, I will find out.

 

Now that she's aware that I know something is going on. I'll stay low profile.

maybe if I change enough at being a better husband, she'll stop talking to him and any other inappropriate person.

[oldshirt]

This is going to take some serious action to jolt her back to reality and lift her affair fog. She is going to have to feel the sting of some real-world consequences for you to nip this in the bud.

 

And by that I mean actual ACTIONS not words and talk. You tried to talk and address this verbally with her and all it has done is piss her off and cause her to hide evidence and go deeper under ground. You are going to have to take actions like -

 

- take out 50% of all joint accounts and put the money into your individual account to cut off her supply line. If she is going to cheat, there's no reason for you to foot the bill.

 

- hire an attorney and start drawing up legal separation and divorce plans and papers.

 

- give her a specified period of time to vacate the marital home. If she wants to cybersex her BF she can do it from her own domicile, there's no reason to have to have that taken place under your roof.

 

- if you have minor children, present her with a custody plan from your lawyer. When she realizes she will only be seeing her kids 50% of the time the sht be get'n real real fast.

 

- hopefully it won't come to this but you have to actual file for legal separation or divorce and have her living in an apt and not seeing her kids every day before her little romance starts to not look so glamorous.

 

Cont...

[oldshirt]

Cont...

 

I would also find away to contact this jock dude and end his little ass-grabbing fun with this particular married woman. If he's that much of a stud-boy he will lose interest in this particular girl once it starts inconveniencing him.

 

Married women are fun and easy but once an enraged husband comes into the picture, they lose a lot of their sexy real fast.

 

We can't recommend anything violent or patently illegal, but there's nothing wrong with letting him know that you are aware of their fun hats and that you aren't going to take it laying down and that there will be a cost associated with any future contact.

[HereNorThere]

I'll change. I'll do my best to be a better husband at home but I just can't ignore what's going on with the jock. Why would she keep his number -and hide it- if he's just a friend?

 

Will still keep an eye on her and her electronic devices...

 

Why? Because I've lost lots of trust in her, even if she did not jump the fence in my opinion.

 

But trust me, if she ever jumps the fence, I will find out.

 

Now that she's aware that I know something is going on. I'll stay low profile.

maybe if I change enough at being a better husband, she'll stop talking to him and any other inappropriate person.

 

 

It seems like that would work, but it's really the opposite of what you should do. Basically, you're just rewarding bad behavior.

 

She's an immature little kid and should be treated as such. You don't take your kid to disneyland when you catch them skipping school, you punish them. Being a better husband is only going to make you look like a pushover and ultimately drive her away. This is when you man up and take control. Do the 180 and get out out.

[oldshirt]

And finally, while the other posters will disavow this and will feel obligated to condem this action, I personally don't see anything wrong with asking her to show you the emails and passwords etc from the computer and if she blows you off or refuses or cites privacy etc etc of you sending the computer into a million tiny pieces.

 

Now the other posters are going to cite that it is an act of violence that can be used against you in court and that she can hold you liable for property damage and that the child protection people will view that as an act of an out of control temper and kids are in danger blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

My response to that is it's just a computer, bring it on bitch. Don't touch her, don't threaten her safety or anything that could be construed as real violence or actual threatening behavior but IMHO if she refuses to disclose computer communications she can try reassemble the computer off the floor.

 

She needs a wake up call and a serious action to show that this is a serious situation and that you aren't joking around.

 

Yes, this could come back and bite you in court. But As long as you don't already have a history of violence or abuse or destruction of property, there is a 90% chance she won't file any direct legal action because of it. Are you willing to risk those odds?

[oldshirt]

maybe if I change enough at being a better husband, she'll stop talking to him and any other inappropriate person.

 

That depends on what your definition of "better husband" is. If by better husband you mean being more involved in the home and family, taking care of home and family matters, listening to her and taking into account her needs and input in family decisions etc etc that is one thing.

 

However if you mean appeasing her and letting her walk on you and manipulate you and BS you and letting her have her fun with whoever she wants, then you might as well suck this jock's dck to get him hard yourself and then hold her legs open for him.

 

If you want to survive this with an intact family, a healthy marriage and an ounce of dignity, you are going to have to grow a pair and draw a hard line in the sand and set some rock solid boundaries and enforce them to the letter.

 

She is having an affair and no one in the history of mankind has ever been able to "nice" there way to ending their wife's affair. Millions have tried before you and all have failed.

[CarrieT]

OP, listen to Oldshirt.

 

He is very, very wise and is giving great advice.

[Turtles]

Love it, very macho, it's going to depend on her whether she drops on her knees and suck you right there and then or has you escorted out of the home in handcuffs, but either way it would leave no room for gray area!

[TintedChrome]

Has she ever had a problem with drinking or drugs or gambling or spending or such?

 

Just a theory. Her interest in muscle dude is so intense, and she's trying to hide it (sloppily), and she minimizes and denies it's a problem. These are all indications of an addiction.

 

I don't know if this is of any help but I don't think she's in love with him, more like she's addicted to his attention and pictures.

[oldshirt]

but either way it would leave no room for gray area!

 

And that is kind of my point, it's a demonstration of resolve and seriousness. Does it carry a certain level of risk? Sure, but so does playing nice and civilized.

 

Playing nice and civilized often gets misconstrued as either acceptance and permission or of weakness and impotence.

 

If someone is willing to smash a several hundred dollar computer and risk being lead away in cuffs, she may point fingers after fact and say what an asshat he was, but there will be a wake up moment where she realizes her little cyber fling is going to carry a hefty price tag and is schmoozing some gym rat about his pecs really going to be worth it???

 

To the OP, keeping some other man's spew out of his wife's jay-jay and maybe heading off a divorce is probably worth a smashed computer and a trip down town and a warning by a judge to control his temper and not damage any more property.

 

But from her perspective is having some internet pen pal telling her she's hot really going to be worth the battle brewing on the horizon?

 

War may be worth it to the OP, it probably isn't to Mrs OP and it certainly won't be to the OM.

 

My point to all of my posts is the time for words has past. He tried words and was spit on in his face. Now it's time for action and in order to get her attention and get her to take him seriously, it's Going to have to cost her something and cause her some real-world discomfort and distress. Her fog is thick enough something is likely going to have to get broken. A broken computer and/or phone is both a tangible as well as symbolic candidate.

 

As long as it is limited to the computer there is a 90% chance it will not result in any action and if it does, a cop or a lawyer or a judge will huff and puff and tell all the terrible things that will happen next time.

[whichwayisup]

I'll change. I'll do my best to be a better husband at home but I just can't ignore what's going on with the jock. Why would she keep his number -and hide it- if he's just a friend?

 

Will still keep an eye on her and her electronic devices...

 

Why? Because I've lost lots of trust in her, even if she did not jump the fence in my opinion.

 

But trust me, if she ever jumps the fence, I will find out.

 

Now that she's aware that I know something is going on. I'll stay low profile.

maybe if I change enough at being a better husband, she'll stop talking to him and any other inappropriate person.

 

Yup, she knows you're aware and gonna go on the DL for a while until she thinks you've stopped watching her. She has no respect for you, she is only thinking of herself and doesn't care what you think or if her behaviour hurts your feelings. You should ask her, "how would you feel if I had a constant conversation going with a woman on fb, ignored your messages and focused on her over you."

 

Right now this guy is feeding her ego big time and she's getting something out of it. Aka a rush of addictive feelings. And her hiding it, lying, denying and being angry about it towards you IS the gas lighting many cheaters do to deflect. Make you think you're the one with the problem. Fact that she changed her password just shows she's up to no good.

 

If she doesn't stop and still is glued to her computer, then tell her to pack a bag and GO to the OM, that you WILL NOT put up with that behaviour from her anymore. She can freely move out, leave the kids behind and do as she pleases. She needs a serious wake up call. She thinks she can manipulate you or bully you into leaving her alone. Screw that! She will have to change her ways when she suffers consequences. She hasn't (yet) and that is why she is still flirting and having an EA with this guy. She has emotionally detached from you and is putting energy into someone else, that's not good at all for what she feels for you and your marriage.

 

Put a stop to it now. Stand up to her. Don't be afraid, let her get pissed off and throw a fit. If this guy was truly "just" a friend, why haven't you met him yet? Why is she hiding it all?

[lollipopspot]

It seems like that would work, but it's really the opposite of what you should do. Basically, you're just rewarding bad behavior.

 

She's an immature little kid and should be treated as such. You don't take your kid to disneyland when you catch them skipping school, you punish them. Being a better husband is only going to make you look like a pushover and ultimately drive her away. This is when you man up and take control. Do the 180 and get out out.

 

That's sure a way to up the conflict and lessen the chance of keeping the family intact by "punishing her" at this point. OP writes:

 

She gave me hints in the past telling me that I do not take care of her enough, that I am not romantic anymore and that I never do chores. This is not entirely false, but absolutely not 100% true.

 

She has been giving signs of dissatisfaction, probably a lot more than you have even registered. Don't play games or be punitive, OP. You have a dissatisfied wife. You didn't listen to her complaints, at least some of which you acknowledge as valid. Stand up for yourself and your expectations, yes, but most of all work to increase the communication and contentment in your marriage (that is, if you want an intact family for your kids).

[oldshirt]

That's sure a way to up the conflict and lessen the chance of keeping the family intact by "punishing her" at this point. OP writes:

 

 

 

She has been giving signs of dissatisfaction, probably a lot more than you have even registered. Don't play games or be punitive, OP. You have a dissatisfied wife. You didn't listen to her complaints, at least some of which you acknowledge as valid. Stand up for yourself and your expectations, yes, but most of all work to increase the communication and contentment in your marriage (that is, if you want an intact family for your kids).

 

There's a difference between punishment and cost. Right now she is getting attention and strokes and warm horny feelings from the OM and it's not costing here a thing. If it's not costing anything so why not have some young buff jock tell her how cute she is and send pictures of his junk and tell her all the things he wants to do to her?

 

But once it's starts coming with a price tag like losing her marriage, security, house, daily contact with her children etc, then she'll start questioning whether getting compliments from an internet pen pal is really worth it.

 

He would not be punishing her. He would be taking away support of a cheating wife and not subsidizing her affair. She would still be free to chat with the OM all she wants...... From her own apt, on her own time while she doesn't have the kids and on her own dime. She can do what she wants, he just doesn't have to house or support her in any manner while she does it.

[lollipopspot]

But once it's starts coming with a price tag like losing her marriage, security, house, daily contact with her children etc...subsidizing her affair...From her own apt, on her own time while she doesn't have the kids and on her own dime. She can do what she wants, he just doesn't have to house or support her in any manner while she does it.

 

Did he say she was a stay at home mom? For all we know (unless he said and I missed it), she makes more than he does and financially supports the family more or equally. People always make the assumption that the man is supporting the family, and that's not the case. In fact, I thought she referred to this guy as an old work acquaintance.

[oldshirt]

Did he say she was a stay at home mom? For all we know (unless he said and I missed it), she makes more than he does and financially supports the family more or equally. People always make the assumption that the man is supporting the family, and that's not the case. In fact, I thought she referred to this guy as an old work acquaintance.

 

I don't care if she is the Queen of Sheeba or High Priestess of Siam and could pave the streets with her own gold. There is no reason for him to put up with her behavior in his house or have any of his resources, companionship, support go towards supporting her affair.

 

 

No matter how money she makes, having to pack your stuff, find another place to live, divide property, hiring lawyers, responding to a divorce petition, splitting custody of children etc etc etc is a high price to pay for an internet pen pal posting pec pictures on Facebook.

 

 

Heck if she makes more than him, she may end up having to pay him spousal support. That will get her attention and make Mr Jock not look so buff now wouldn't it?

[burtoncbell]

Tonight I started talking to her about my day at work and she was not very attentive. She started typing on her computer. I asked her politely if she could listen to me without typing and she said that she can do both at the same time.

 

Furious, I grabbed her computer, guess who it was? The stupid jock again!

I was boiling and confronted her about him.

 

She laughed, saying that she does not have a crush on him. I asked her why did you send his number to your other email address? Why do you delete messages?

 

Never had an answer. Now she's been ignoring me. And I don,t talk to her either.

 

And yes, she does not currently work. She's having hard time finding a job. Never had any problems in the past, no addictions, nothing. Clean past.

[oldshirt]

Tonight I started talking to her about my day at work and she was not very attentive. She started typing on her computer. I asked her politely if she could listen to me without typing and she said that she can do both at the same time.

 

 

Translation = "don't bother me while I'm doing something more important."

 

Furious, I grabbed her computer, guess who it was? The stupid jock again!

I was boiling and confronted her about him.

 

 

Didn't we discuss computer smashing? Nothing like lost opportunity.

But anyway, so you 'confronted' her? ie you "talked." Haven't we already established that talking isn't working at the moment?

 

She laughed, saying that she does not have a crush on him.

I'll give her this one. It's not a crush. 14 year old girls have crushes. Grown married women have affairs.

 

 

I asked her why did you send his number to your other email address? Why do you delete messages?

 

Never had an answer.

 

 

This is actually bad news. This means she is dug in and has no intention of stopping the affair at this time. As I stated earlier, she is going to have to experience real world consequences and cost to come to the negotiating table.

words and talk are not working. at what point are you going to realize that?

 

 

Now she's been ignoring me.

 

 

That is because she has no respect of you and sees you as weak and impotent and ineffectual. She has no concerns that anything is going to come of this and that you are merely an inconvenience to her fun with her studboy.

 

 

 

 

And I don,t talk to her either.

 

So what are you doing about this????????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes, she does not currently work. She's having hard time finding a job. Never had any problems in the past, no addictions, nothing. Clean past.

 

 

 

 

Then as I stated previously, there is no reason for you to be providing her computer, her phone, a roof over her head, food in her belly, spending money, companionship, security, protection, gas in her car etc etc etc etc etc while she has fun all day with some dude.

Cut off her supply line and gravy train and expel her from her home until she decides she's ready to sit down and address the issues.

She can have fun with her guy, there's just no reason you should have to pay for it or allow it to occur in your own home.

 

 

She is thumbing her nose at you like a 13 year old girl being told to put down the facetime. It's time to grown some adult kahoonas and set some hard boundaries.

 

 

 

See responses in bold above.

[Fearful]

To the OP. Your wife is not only into EA with the OM, she have unconciously chooses her relationship with the OM over her relationship with you. Talking is never going to fix anything. All you need to do is to bring her to her own conciousness by living according to her implied decision. Initiate seperation agreement and start the divorce process. If these did not wake her up from her slumber complete the divorce process. Her affair with the OM will soon go Physical. Chances are- your wife have had a physical relationship with the OM dating back from the period when they were working together and are only trying to recandle the relationship.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^^^^

 

OP - you really need to read and re read oldshirts post and follow his advice.

 

She has no respect for you and is treating you with absolute contempt. Consult an attorney NOW! You should literally getting suit cases down packing her a bag and kicking her out the house.

 

Do you think she wants a man who pretends to nap, while she communicates on line with a beefcake? Do you think your own wife doesn't know when her husband pretends to be asleep?

 

This is a really bad situation, she is behaving badly and you are doing nothing to resolve it! Being all metrosexual and saying "why baby, why?" then sulking and not talking to her, won't solve it.

 

She's told her your behaviour makes her unhappy, she has an online beefcake she is deliberately flaunting in front of you. I wonder if deep down she wants a strong reaction from you to show you give a s**t!

Edited November 20, 2014 by jackslife

[burtoncbell]

This morning, I woke up.

 

I told her that I do not trust her anymore and she have two options :

 

1-You stop right now. No more bull****. No more secrets. No more passwords. No more talking with this guy.

 

2-I'm leaving.

 

You decide. The ball is in your hand.

 

You don't stop? I'm outta here.

 

And I left for work.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^^^

 

Good man! Stick to your guns. She wants you or she wants him, she doesn't get to have both.