dizziedupgirl Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 My boyfriend is a big guy, and sometimes I don't think he knows his own strength. Sometimes when we're goofing around he'll grab or push me too hard. I immediately object, but apparently my noises of distress are "too cute." The injuries I sustain are not major, but his lack of awareness is growing hard to handle. Since he doesn't seem to understand that he's hurting me, I usually have to be very forceful and direct if I want him to stop. I often have to tell him 2 or 3 times before he seems to register that what he's doing is "bad." When this doesn't work, sometimes I end up hitting him back, just to get him to pay attention. Yet whenever I strike back or scold him about it, he gets very hurt. "Why would you do such a thing?" and "But you were so cute about it," and so on. I can't take the puppy dog act anymore! And I don't want to have to resort to hitting my boyfriend when he gets too into horseplay, but I'm sick of the bruises and (many) fruitless discussions we've had on this topic and I'm reaching my wits end. Also I am worried - could this be a red flag for future abuse? I really don't think he is hurting me on purpose, but could he be? And how do I make him understand that stop means stop?
life loser Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 sounds like the behavior and emotions of a 4 year old in the body of a man you decide if it is worth trying to make him grow up and mature (to change him) or to accept the risk of getting hurt someday, either by accident, or if he gets drunk and angry and doesn't know his strength
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Sounds like a red flag to me. Horse play can be fun, but he absolutely has to take you seriously. Otherwise one day he is going to go too far and really hurt you.
Pendawn Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I personally don't think it sounds liek a red flag, becuase he's not taking out anger on you, he's playing around and THINKS you are too. What you need is to agree on a safe word, somethign totally unrelated to protesting. Like say RED or DOOR just any word that you can both agree on that means SERIOUSLY stop. Let him know when you say that word, he's hurting you and it's not fun anymore. When you protest normally he's seeing it as part of the game, you playing the poor damsel syaing "oh stop stop, big bad man." He needs to know the difference. If then he doesn't listen, then i would worry.
Hund1976 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I agree with the last one. If he's a big huge dude and is used to hanging around other big guys they are probably used to shoving eachother around and it doesn't feel like anything to them. Explain to him that you are a lot smaller then him so he needs to take it easy. Tell him you play different with a 5 pound puppy then you would with a 200 pound St Benard. Maybe that will register for him.
dizziedupgirl Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Thank you all for replying so quickly. he's not taking out anger on you, he's playing around and THINKS you are too. And yes, most of the time that's exactly how it is. We both enjoy some rough play during sex, and we've set boundaries and stuff for THAT, but when we're just horsing around I guess the limits aren't so clear for him. I think the code word suggestion was a good idea. you decide if it is worth trying to make him grow up and mature (to change him) or to accept the risk of getting hurt someday, either by accident, or if he gets drunk and angry and doesn't know his strength He has NEVER laid a hand on me or raised his voice in rage. In fact, when we fight, we usually sit next to each other or lie together in bed to talk it out. Even when we are angry at each other, he still wants to hold me, and places a really high value on eye contact. I guess my concern is that I'm hypersensitive to signs of abuse in relationships. I'm not surrounded by too many good ones, and we both suffered abuse when we were younger. But it's hard to know what to look for, especially when I love my boyfriend and can't imagine him ever hurting me on purpose.
Recommended Posts