Tayken Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 .....like this are genuinely callous, or else, some people are just very selfish and have a bad character; they are nice when it serves them, and when they are disinterested they simply don't bother talking to people.... I am sure most men know women like these...coupled with sex blackmail. I either get what I want, or you ain't getting some tonight. Just saying
ascendotum Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) we started texting daily after the first month or so. we usually texted throughout the day. we did not always have deep and meaningful exchanges but texted every morning and night. he has texted me "good morning" ONCE since we slept together. and he had been talking more about sex during our dates as things became more physical. we had not had the exclusivity conversation, but he would tell me how much he adored me, that i made him feel so alive, that he looked forward to starting a new life with me. he once even told me that he had visions of being married to me while meditating. i feel like an even bigger idiot even writing it now... If you met this guy online and slept with him at end of the week after 5 days worth of texting and him buttering you up, then I'd say well that's a classic case of hit it n quit it. I think putting a every day play in action for 2 mths to get one nite or 1 hour of sex is a bit extreme. Some guys can do this though if they have another girl they are already seeing, so you become a side project. Don't get gun shy over this episode and expect it from the next guy though. I know guys that will do the fade at the 2 mth mark but they were getting sex from week 1, not playing some long game for a few hrs payoff. The every day texting and slow escalation and 'I adore you' + 'look forward to new life' chats to then go awol would certainly pull the rug out from under you and you should be disappointed & pissed. I think you should put him on the spot and tackle him over 'whats going on why the change in mood'. Edited November 20, 2014 by ascendotum 1
LilKimmy Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I agree with this and I would ask him. I can't stand not knowing and it's better than making myself insane trying to figure out what he happened. If he doesn't respond, so what? At least you tried to find out. Then move on. If you met this guy online and slept with him at end of the week after 5 days worth of texting and him buttering you up, then I'd say well that's a classic case of hit it n quit it. I think putting a every day play in action for 2 mths to get one nite or 1 hour of sex is a bit extreme. Some guys can do this though if they have another girl they are already seeing, so you become a side project. Don't get gun shy over this episode and expect it from the next guy though. I know guys that will do the fade at the 2 mth mark but they were getting sex from week 1, not playing some long game for a few hrs payoff. The every day texting and slow escalation and 'I adore you' + 'look forward to new life' chats to then go awol would certainly pull the rug out from under you and you should be disappointed & pissed. I think you should put him on the spot and tackle him over 'whats going on why the change in mood'.
somedude81 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Sucks that this happened to you. I had been hesitant because i have never slept with anyone outside of a serious relationship. and this guy and i had not decided necessarily to be exclusive. that seemed ok, And know you know what has a good chance of happening if you have sex without being exclusive.
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 If you met this guy online and slept with him at end of the week after 5 days worth of texting and him buttering you up, then I'd say well that's a classic case of hit it n quit it. I think putting a every day play in action for 2 mths to get one nite or 1 hour of sex is a bit extreme. Some guys can do this though if they have another girl they are already seeing, so you become a side project. Don't get gun shy over this episode and expect it from the next guy though. I know guys that will do the fade at the 2 mth mark but they were getting sex from week 1, not playing some long game for a few hrs payoff. The every day texting and slow escalation and 'I adore you' + 'look forward to new life' chats to then go awol would certainly pull the rug out from under you and you should be disappointed & pissed. I think you should put him on the spot and tackle him over 'whats going on why the change in mood'. i don't think it is worth it at this point. and i still feel quite vulnerable. i think it is best for me to take this as a lesson learned and move on. plus, i have already blocked him and wouldn't want to retract now.
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Sucks that this happened to you. And know you know what has a good chance of happening if you have sex without being exclusive. lesson learned. i have not slept with someone outside of an exclusive relationship before. i am still quite shocked and hurt that this happened. where did all of that energy, intimacy, and buildup go? does one have to be exclusive to not disappear after sex (after two months of dating)?
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Women have no qualms doing too just so you know. Pants drop so fast when it is a cutie until the next cutie shows up, then it's bang bang and BJs Why are you bringing up your opinion of women in the OP's thread where she is looking for help, that is just wrong. OP - I think that when he was talking about adoring you and visions of marriage without being "exclusive" he might have tipped his hand that he was playing. I am really sorry, I think I know how you are feeling. 3
guest569 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 That is pretty cruel what he has done. But you've got the right attitude about it and have done all the right things to move on. Its hard not to be hurting.. But he's an idiot and you dodged a bullet, and got some great sex along the way. 2
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 That is pretty cruel what he has done. But you've got the right attitude about it and have done all the right things to move on. Its hard not to be hurting.. But he's an idiot and you dodged a bullet, and got some great sex along the way. i know that you are right. by now the great sex has been overshadowed by the poor treatment and my realization that that was all that he was after... i do think i have dodged a bullet. he is not a good guy. 2
ascendotum Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) lesson learned. i have not slept with someone outside of an exclusive relationship before. i am still quite shocked and hurt that this happened. where did all of that energy, intimacy, and buildup go? does one have to be exclusive to not disappear after sex (after two months of dating)? IDK how much difference that would make for a jerk type guy though. This guy did the courting phase for 2 months then disappeared after sex. If he told you a bunch of pretty lies (you so beautiful, I adore you, want a future with you), I don't think he would have chucked it in after 60 days if you had the 'so am I officially your gf now' talk. He might have hesitated a bit as it puts him on the spot without it being some generalized sweet talk, but I think he would said yeah in a round about way,and still delivered the same outcome. I don't think he he would lose sleep over that extra lie. Edited November 20, 2014 by ascendotum 2
RedRobin Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Putting 2 months of time into a girl just to ghost after getting laid is not anything unusual. The prevailing attitude a guy has at times like this is, "what do I have better to do?" May as well work on some girl. If women want to avoid getting involved with guys who do this sort of thing, they can. Despite all the 'likes', I'm going to call total BS on this. I'm a woman who routinely waits 2 or more months before having sex with a guy, and I've never had one 'ghost' on me. I've certainly seen their crappy side come out around this time... Definitely... But not 'hit and run' and not disappear. The trick is to avoid liars. And learn how to spot a liar early. And also not be swayed by words alone. It isn't difficult at all for anyone to text, etc. It's why I avoid texting when I'm getting to know someone. If they want to get to know me, they can call me or see me. Otherwise, it's likely BS. So he cheated on the mother of his child and you are surprised when he doesn't treat you right? I agree with you here... this one deserved a lot more diligence. Most likely nothing has changed for him. I'm going to guess that he got what he wanted and is not worried about putting time into you now. He will probably keep your number in case he wants to get laid again though. He will probably call or text out of the blue with some excuses on why you haven't heard from him. Meh, you guys make too much out of 'getting what he wanted' crap. While its not THAT hard to keep up a stream of texting for a couple of months, it ain't that easy either. My guess is that he's seeing someone else and this has nothing to do with her. ------------------------- My advice to you OP, is do a bit more due diligence in the future if you really are a relationship oriented person. It's a jungle out there, and lots of people (men and women) are used to flinging their parts around with little or no meaning attached. It's tough for people who want a deeper bond. Don't be shy about insisting on and verifying monogamy on their part before agreeing to be intimate, if that is what you need. It's not true that all guys just want a piece of *ss and will dump anyone who doesn't have sex with them ASAP. Lots of good men realize the importance of getting to know a woman in advance and are mature enough to have conversations about their sexual expectations BEFORE you get in bed with them. It's also not true that you need to sleep with anyone ASAP if you want a shot at a relationship. My experience is that people are (for the most part) primed for a relationship even before they agree to date. If they aren't in the right spot in their lives for a healthy relationship, then nothing you do and no amount of fabulousness on your part will make a difference. Your job, first and foremost, is to screen out the ones who are not in a place in their life for a healthy relationship... and screen out the ones who don't have a history of healthy interactions with women. This one failed that first test. I'm sorry you came across a jerk. It's not about you. Try not to take it personally or feel too ashamed. There is nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved. It is a-holes like this that make it hard for everyone though. 1
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Don't be shy about insisting on and verifying monogamy on their part before agreeing to be intimate, if that is what you need. It's not true that all guys just want a piece of *ss and will dump anyone who doesn't have sex with them ASAP. Lots of good men realize the importance of getting to know a woman in advance and are mature enough to have conversations about their sexual expectations BEFORE you get in bed with them. It's also not true that you need to sleep with anyone ASAP if you want a shot at a relationship. My experience is that people are (for the most part) primed for a relationship even before they agree to date. If they aren't in the right spot in their lives for a healthy relationship, then nothing you do and no amount of fabulousness on your part will make a difference. Your job, first and foremost, is to screen out the ones who are not in a place in their life for a healthy relationship... and screen out the ones who don't have a history of healthy interactions with women. This one failed that first test. I'm sorry you came across a jerk. It's not about you. Try not to take it personally or feel too ashamed. There is nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved. It is a-holes like this that make it hard for everyone though. thank you so much for this. it actually brought tears to my eyes to read. i have been thinking that maybe he lied about being broken up with his son's mother. or he is still deeply entangled with her or is trying to get back with her. i don't know. anyway, i have been feeling so ashamed that i haven't shared with anyone i know personally that i actually slept with him, and he left. i have just moved to a new city, and i need friends more than i need dates or sex frankly. i was happy to meet someone who seemed so available and into me. he was always unavailable during parts of the week and some evenings, but i always thought that was just because he is a single dad. anyway, i thought that i would at least end up with a cool friend. i didn't see this happening at all.
RedRobin Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 thank you so much for this. it actually brought tears to my eyes to read. i have been thinking that maybe he lied about being broken up with his son's mother. or he is still deeply entangled with her or is trying to get back with her. i don't know. anyway, i have been feeling so ashamed that i haven't shared with anyone i know personally that i actually slept with him, and he left. i have just moved to a new city, and i need friends more than i need dates or sex frankly. i was happy to meet someone who seemed so available and into me. he was always unavailable during parts of the week and some evenings, but i always thought that was just because he is a single dad. anyway, i thought that i would at least end up with a cool friend. i didn't see this happening at all. Situations like this can really start to degrade your view of humanity... Especially when you are in a new city, are lonely, and don't really know the 'rules' in this new place. Lean on your friends and family back home. Heck, during my worst times I was talking to my family every day. I don't have any family nearby myself, and it can be really tough sometimes. Have you tried Meetup groups? Also, maybe get involved in some activity groups nearby. If you are a regular anywhere, you will start to get to know people.
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Situations like this can really start to degrade your view of humanity... Especially when you are in a new city, are lonely, and don't really know the 'rules' in this new place. Lean on your friends and family back home. Heck, during my worst times I was talking to my family every day. I don't have any family nearby myself, and it can be really tough sometimes. Have you tried Meetup groups? Also, maybe get involved in some activity groups nearby. If you are a regular anywhere, you will start to get to know people. this is great advice. i do have family in my new city and great colleagues and an ex, who has been trying to get me to have dinner with him. (he dumped me by phone a year and a half ago because he couldn't handle the distance and then never spoke to me again until he heard through shared professional circles that i am here now.) the new guy was the first person i had slept with since that ex, which was a serious relationship. anyway, i really like the idea of joining meetups and activity-based socializing. thanks again for the suggestions!
Diezel Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I don't understand the "exclusive vs non-exclusive" parroting that's going on here. Are we really that naive to believe that had she entered a verbal agreement of exclusivity BEFORE having sex, that this wouldn't have happened? She waited two months. This could have happened WITH exclusivity or WITHOUT. That's neither here nor there. What's missing here is the fact that she saw some warning signs and chose to ignore them. She's now better suited for the next person to come along. And for the record, I've had sex with someone within a relationship and without one, so to make a blanket statement saying that a simple verbal agreement could have avoided is pretty ludicrous. To the OP, you waited two months. Hold your head up high, because a lot of women go through this two dates in. At least you managed to keep your integrity, at the cost of a small lesson in the grand scheme of things. I'm pretty sure the guy was just after the challenge of bringing your own walls down. Not every guy is like this and for your sake, I hope you find someone better than a man willing to cheat on the mother of his kid.
Standard-Fare Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Definitely really confusing. Because if he was just after sex, why would he invest two months into this? (Or even tolerate waiting for two months.) He could have had sex sooner with other girls. And as far the sex being "bad" for him, I'm sure it couldn't have been so awful to make him shut down, esp. if you thought it was great. Even if there was that awkwardness that first-time sex with a new person usually has, if he's a grown man he should know that's natural. He sounds like such a d*ck! You've done the right thing by blocking him. Even if he does get back in touch later, just ignore him. A week of silence after intimacy is unacceptable. 1
Author newlyborn Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 I don't understand the "exclusive vs non-exclusive" parroting that's going on here. Are we really that naive to believe that had she entered a verbal agreement of exclusivity BEFORE having sex, that this wouldn't have happened? She waited two months. This could have happened WITH exclusivity or WITHOUT. That's neither here nor there. What's missing here is the fact that she saw some warning signs and chose to ignore them. She's now better suited for the next person to come along. after this experience, i have been wondering whether it is possible to have sex and keep dating. this man used to complain that i had a 1950's approach to sex because i refused him so often... anyway, i do think that his cheating on his son's mother was a gigantic red flag. when he told me about it, he was (seemingly) so regretful that he had to excuse himself and go to the restroom. he made it seem like it was a mistake, and that it was out of character for him and that he had paid so dearly for it that he had learned a lesson. i hope i am not actually as naive as this experience makes me feel.
Standard-Fare Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Wait I'm a little confused after reading through all this again. Newlyborn, I initially got the impression that this dude had made little to no contact with you after the sex. But reading again (and also seeing in another post that he said "Good morning" once), I see that his contact has only DECLINED. Of course I'm not suggesting that that's enough to change your mind here. It's definitely cold of him to decrease contact after sex. But I'm wondering if he HAS been trying in some ways, and you've been overlooking it because you're expecting a certain level of intimacy.
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I don't think you can conclude he was only after getting laid from the beginning. But he obviously has some emotional problems which seem to have surfaced or intensified after you had sex. His behavior is not that of a completely sane person and things like his cheating and then his overreaction when telling you about that, point to some mental issues. Either that, or he's a master player. My personal feel about it is that he has some issues with getting attached and after sleeping with you those came out so he bailed. It's nothing to do with you. Or rather it has to do with your ability to detect crazy early on. You missed some big red flags. BTW another red flag below - failure to respect others' boundaries and belittling them because of it: this man used to complain that i had a 1950's approach to sex because i refused him so often... 1
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