Friskyone4u Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Others have cover d most of the bases but still no info on what exactly made you confess. However, you need to know that the odds of your relationship lasting are not good. Infidelity is a deal breaker for men in greater percentages than for women. The statistics and literature of studies point to that. Throw in the fact of no kids and no marriage certificate, you have a tough road ahead. If you get questions, do yourself a favor and do not make the decision not to tell him the details because you want to not hurt him. You already did that. Don't be in CYA mode!! And please listen and forget the word mistake. You banged another man multiple times without coercion. That is not a mistake. It is called cheating!! And while he owns 50% of the trouble in the relationship, you own 100% of the cheating. Lastly, if this was a person that is still in your life, you better tell him who it is and the cease to be in your life instantly. If you start the crap that we are now just friends you have no chance
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this. We are going to counseling on Friday. Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity? Thank you. P No the best thing is to not have the affair. The next best thing is to confess immediately, but unfortunately you chose the 3d best thing. Some people will tell you to bury the lie to save his feelings, but I completely disagree with this approach. IF you want a relationship of equals, you can't have one person that is ignorant of such an important fact. He has to know what has occurred and then make a decision to stay with you. I don't know if the relationship will last, but at least it is built on honesty. That is all water under the bridge and you have to deal with now. As you have stated, this is all raw and emotions are going to be all over the place. He will have good days and bad days, he may question where you are going, who you are talking too, say things that may hurt your feelings. These are all things that you are going to have to deal with in as calm of a manner as you can. I believe that the key to success is honesty. Don't down play what happened or with hold the truth. Don't offer intimate details, unless specifically asked. Be open to all media, devices and passwords that will help him with his concerns. Counseling should be a place to allow him to get out his frustrations in a safe and healthy environment. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties are willing to put in the work to save the relationship. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Hi all, I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so. Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake. I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday. He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be. I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this. We are going to counseling on Friday. Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity? Thank you. P The rule of thumb in such situations is as follows: IF there is any realistic chance that the partner may learn of the affair through other means, then, and only then do you confess first to them of your affair. Otherwise, you maintain the secret, and suck-up the guilt in order so that you spare the innocent partner the experience you so effectively described here. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The rule of thumb in such situations is as follows: IF there is any realistic chance that the partner may learn of the affair through other means, then, and only then do you confess first to them of your affair. Otherwise, you maintain the secret, and suck-up the guilt in order so that you spare the innocent partner the experience you so effectively described here. Do you honestly feel that manipulating your partner into staying with you is healthy? Do you honestly feel that the person who did the betraying has the right to force their partner into accepting the betrayal? By withholding information that MAY be a dealbreaker to the betrayed, one would be treating them like children..."only the adults get to decide". What an adult does....is accept responsibility for their actions. Accepting responsibility means self incriminating, bearing witness to the full extent of the harm done and cleaning up. Not sit in silence...letting guilt eat away. One needs to be proactive....not put their head in the sand. The road to redemption is not cowering, afraid in the dark. It is deciding...here and now...no more...no more lies...no more hiding...time to put my boots on and move from this place...walking towards a better version of ourselves...one we are proud of...one that knows there are no more skeletons in my closet...no more demons waiting to be unleashed...they have all been slain...and put to rest. That is how one moves forward. 2
Snaggletooth Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The rule of thumb in such situations is as follows: IF there is any realistic chance that the partner may learn of the affair through other means, then, and only then do you confess first to them of your affair. Otherwise, you maintain the secret, and suck-up the guilt in order so that you spare the innocent partner the experience you so effectively described here. Allowing someone to live a life based on lies is worse than the actual cheating. OP, if my ex had confessed at the time I may have considered continuing the relationship. The fact she watched me make life changing decisions for the next seven years is why she will never be forgiven. Thirteen years on and those years of her lies still dictate my life. Lies are what do the lasting damage. Your fella may currently be focused on the fact you cheated but the fact you hid it for so long will likely become the main player. How can he ever again trust someone who lied to him for so long? As others have said, be honest, be patient. He is going to have to mourn the loss of what he thought you were and decide whether he wants to be with who you actually are. 2
road Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The rule of thumb in such situations is as follows: IF there is any realistic chance that the partner may learn of the affair through other means, then, and only then do you confess first to them of your affair. Otherwise, you maintain the secret, and suck-up the guilt in order so that you spare the innocent partner the experience you so effectively described here. Problem with this advice is what to do when the BH finds out on his own many years later. As this has happened before. Just because the WS kept their lips sealed does not mean everyone else that knew about the affair will do the same. There was a 90's yo BH that found out over 50 years later that his 90's yo WW had an affair. He divorced her soon after D day. 1
Hardgrind Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I am a BH who is in the process of divorcing my STBXW. In our case the ultimate deal breaker is that my WW was not 100 % honest. I forgave her for what had happened before D-Day. The problem is she continued to lie about where she was even after D-Day. So my advice is to focus more on what you are doing NOW!. I'm not saying to rug sweep, you both will need to deal with what happened in the past. But don't keep digging that hole deeper. Be open and honest going forward. Convince your boyfriend that you are not hiding anything. If you cross paths with the OM, tell your partner, don't wait for him to ask or hear about it 2nd hand. Being honest and accountable will build trust. Lies, even about little things, will kill the trust. 1
lollipopspot Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 There was a 90's yo BH that found out over 50 years later that his 90's yo WW had an affair. He divorced her soon after D day. Well if they had a good marriage for the previous 50 years, and the divorce was just due to the revelation of the affair, then I think the guy is a damn fool.
badkarma2013 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Well if they had a good marriage for the previous 50 years, and the divorce was just due to the revelation of the affair, then I think the guy is a damn fool. First off we DONT KNOW what kind of marriage he had............ THE TRUTH DOES NOT DESTROY ANYTHING... Lies ,Deciet and Betryal destroyed the marriage....WW MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowin ing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place... I would want to know.... anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater.. All of us BS here must remember...Do not ever confuse Forgiveness with Reconcilition...For they are not the same thing! 1
Janesays Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Well if they had a good marriage for the previous 50 years, and the divorce was just due to the revelation of the affair, then I think the guy is a damn fool. Some of us don't liked to be manipulated into a living a lie. I found out about my husband's infidelity 2 years after. We are divorcing. If he had been honest from the get go, we may have had a shot. 6
BetrayedH Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Some of us don't liked to be manipulated into a living a lie. I found out about my husband's infidelity 2 years after. We are divorcing. If he had been honest from the get go, we may have had a shot. Absolutely agree. The lies did the most damage in regards to my wife's affair as well. The confession made by the OP was absolutely the right thing to do, just delayed. 5
Janesays Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 And don't forget a confession indicates true guilt and remorse. An apology is easier to accept with those two things. Otherwise, you just come across as a smug jerk who was pleased as punch to get away with it. 5
bigman1 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Its nearing 3 days and only 1 post from the OP. What's up with that? Hmm.
Snaggletooth Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Well if they had a good marriage for the previous 50 years, and the divorce was just due to the revelation of the affair, then I think the guy is a damn fool. Friend, it's not foolish to refuse to accept half a century of deceit. It's not 50 years of good marriage, it's a stolen life. What he loved was a lie. Only the desperate, the fools, the fearful and the lost love a lie once they know the lie. This fella is going to meet his maker with his chin high and dignity and integrity intact. I can't imagine much worse sharing my final days with a woman who lied to me for over half my life. Going out whipped, beaten down, soul sold, compromised, betrayed, afeared of the lonesome? No thanks. I tip my hat to this old timer. Damned hard decision made well. Damned well. 3
road Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Well if they had a good marriage for the previous 50 years, and the divorce was just due to the revelation of the affair, then I think the guy is a damn fool. The Elephant in the middle of the room that kept the marriage from being good. WW living a marriage based on a lie. Tricking her BH to live a life based on a lie.
BetrayedH Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 And don't forget a confession indicates true guilt and remorse. An apology is easier to accept with those two things. Otherwise, you just come across as a smug jerk who was pleased as punch to get away with it. Agreed again. The voluntary confession is what makes a wayward a person worth reconciling with. If the wayward is fine with continuing to lie to me, they aren't a partner I want in life. At that point, you're just tricking someone into staying with you. Claiming that it's noble to be taking away my life choices is just a farce. 4
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