TokenMick Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 So I have a coworker with whom I flirted for my first 18 months at my job, with whom I have an insane amount of things in common, and eventually fell hard for. I still get along with her quite well but we don’t talk as much. But I waited way too long to ask her out for a myriad of reasons, such as: - She’s a co-worker, one that was sitting next to me no less, and works for the same boss. - She subtly implied that she was in a hurry to get married very early on, likely due to cultural pressure. Scary territory for a white dude like me. - For the first year I knew her, although we clicked well as friends, my attraction to her didn’t go beyond desiring more than a random hookup. Which wouldn't be a good career move. - She’s Asian Indian; more importantly, has Indian parents. I’ve heard many horror stories on parents of an Indian girl reacting to her dating a non-Indian, one of which involved a good friend. Like me, he is also a wheelchair user, and his ex's parents openly had a big problem with that. 10 months ago, after my first year on the job, I slowly developed feelings for her that I’ve never revealed. Even as hers grew, as I was unintentionally playing hard-to-get. 4 months ago, when I was finally ready to make my move, she committed to a guy that's also Indian, who I believe had been very persistent with her, and met her friends' approval. After one month long distance, he moved to her, in part because I believe he couldn’t get her to move to him. Though she’d committed to him, for the first couple months she was still dropping hints that she really wanted me, not him – only I was too oblivious and didn’t realize what was going on until after they stopped. Unfortunately, the intense feelings I developed for her have not faded…….I still utterly adore her. A hint she dropped implied this guy was desperate to start a family, but she really wanted a guy to travel with first. I think she may now be pregnant……I wonder if there was some tampered contraception, as I feel this guy may have been insecure about his ability to keep her……largely due to me. Yet just two weeks ago she started flirting with me again, all our old inside jokes came roaring back. But it only lasted a week – right when I was finally able to move to another cubicle for the sake of my emotional health. There were signs that she may have briefly broken up with the bf, but I also wonder the following: - Was she just doing this to try to keep me in the old cubicle, a test to see how much control she has over me, and how much she can use me for attention? Or: - Was this maybe a last ditch effort to make me hers (before getting so pregnant she can’t hide it - if she even is preggo)? There still isn’t a person on this planet I can make laugh more easily than her – and definitely in a good way. Yet whenever one of us sees the other outside work, which has become inexplicably frequent in the past month – whether or not she’s with the bf – it’s always awkward and we both are avoidant of each other. I’m considering that she may still want a boyfriend upgrade to me, and coming clean by the end of the week on my feelings (while steering clear of overt mushiness). I feel this will be good either way……if she rejects me, then this can be the dagger to my hope and I can finally let this go. But I fear the impact on the working relationship. What do you suggest? I have high standards, and I slowly came to realize that she’s a rare girl that actually meets them! (And I live in a cowtown full of dumb hillbillies, so it’s slim pickings for me). Any help or advice you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think you're making a lot of leaps. You're assuming she's pregnant, that someone may have tampered with contraception, that she briefly broke up with her boyfriend, that she's wanted you all along - do you have any concrete evidence to suggest any of that is true? You mention she's dropping a lot of "hints", which implies she hasn't come right out and confirmed any of this. Can you clarify what these hints have involved? It's hard to say whether she's interested. Ultimately, if she's committed to someone else, it doesn't matter. She made a choice, and unfortunately, it wasn't you. I would not confess your feelings, because I think it could be damaging to your work situation and there doesn't appear to be much to go on here.
Elyna Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Seriously, your post is just redicilous. You're man and you should make the move. If you missed if, because you were thinking for couple of years, better forget her. You had so many reasons not to start smth with her so far, so keep them and wait for someone who will blow u off straight away! And in any case, women like men who do, not think so much before doing it! you are just afraid to be rejected!
Chemist Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I dated an Indian for 2 years. You need to seriously consider what you can put up with. First, and foremost, she is an independent woman, like the rest. You need to make a move on her. Especially, I notice this from cultures with very dominate patriarchs, that you need to be bold, strong, and confident (for all, but especially in these cases). I just tried to kiss her one day, got the cheek. Then she asked me what it was about later, long story short, she also liked me. Though, she warned me, 'My parents would kill me for dating you'... I thought she meant it figuratively. After 2 years, I was still a secret from her parents. The last thing her mom told her was not to fall for a white guy, or they would disown her. I couldn't put up with it after 2 years of not being serious. So in short, what I am saying, is go for it if you want it. Take what she says serious, especially the cultural aspects and parental expectations. Also, I think if you look at bollywood films as an example, Indian women love forbidden romance.
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