soundheart Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 In need of dating advice. Brief background: I am 34 and have been out of the dating scene for the past 2 years since separating from my fiance. (went through a bit of depression and isolation and just recently started dating again). I have had only 2 very long term relationships and feel a bit stunted in the dating world due to having very little experience. I started seeing this guy in 2/2014. He had reached out to me after moving to my town from out of state. We use to work together. He said he had a crush on me back then had thought about me through the years. I felt very comfortable w/ him and we bonded pretty quick. We started sleeping with each other a few wks later. He said he was falling for me, but didn't want to because he was getting over a difficult break-up and had no intention of getting into another relationship with anyone anytime soon. Against (pos. my better judgement) I continued to see him. We had been texting every other day and sleeping w/ each other once a wk. He told me he was dating other people, but was not sleeping with anyone else. (We had earlier made an agreement to tell each other if we started to sleep w/ others). At this time I was friends w/ him on social media and saw that he was making flirtatious comments to other women and became jealous. To make long story short, 6/2014, I discovered through a mutual friend that he had also been sleeping with her too. I got upset and cut all contact w/ him. Recently we started talking regularly again through text. The first time we met up since the argument, he apologized for lying and for treating me poorly and said he would make it up to me. At the time I was still a little hurt and was not very receptive. ( I should mention, I was nervous about meeting up with him and by the time I finally agreed to see him, was in the evening and had been drinking). We continue to talk via text and slept together once. However, I now feel his behavior towards me has changed. He seems more distant and guarded than before the argument. Now he contacts me via text 1-2 x a wk to "hang out" and most of the texts occur either Mon or Tues. evening when he's got nothing going on or during the wkends after the bars have closed. He doesn't ask me out, just over his house. (He recently lost his job, so I don't know if that is a factor or not at all). I really enjoyed his company the way it was before the argument. I don't know if he now just sees me as a FWB or not even. He also keeps telling me how it's impossible to meet people in the town we're in and acts slightly jealous if I'm out and makes comments about w/n I'm on a date or have met someone. Confused. My questions: Is this salvageable? Can a relationship be turned around after someone acts needy and possessive? Can I make him desire me again or will he now always see me as someone he "has" on call so does not need to invest in or care for? Feeling a lot of regret for my past actions. Any advice would be appreciated.
MikeyBe Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 It never works out in my experience and there's usually an unhealthy back and forth that goes with those kinds of relationships. But it will be invaluable experience for your next relationship. So rather then sorting out this mess my advice is to take what you've learned and apply it to future love interests. You'll do great.
Assasda Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 He never desired you, I'm afraid to say OP. He doesnt even respect you. - He lied to you about not having sex with someone else, - He doesnt respect you as a friend, and he doesnt respect your health saftety. OP, Now do you know why he doesnt respect you? He doesnt respect you, because you dont respect yourself. So leave this guy be, and see other people 2
Emilia Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 So this guy only wanted sex from you all along, slept with other women and you are asking whether it's 'salveagable'? For what exactly? You want to marry someone like this? 1
Redhead14 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 In need of dating advice. Brief background: I am 34 and have been out of the dating scene for the past 2 years since separating from my fiance. (went through a bit of depression and isolation and just recently started dating again). I have had only 2 very long term relationships and feel a bit stunted in the dating world due to having very little experience. I started seeing this guy in 2/2014. He had reached out to me after moving to my town from out of state. We use to work together. He said he had a crush on me back then had thought about me through the years. I felt very comfortable w/ him and we bonded pretty quick. We started sleeping with each other a few wks later. He said he was falling for me, but didn't want to because he was getting over a difficult break-up and had no intention of getting into another relationship with anyone anytime soon. Against (pos. my better judgement) I continued to see him. We had been texting every other day and sleeping w/ each other once a wk. He told me he was dating other people, but was not sleeping with anyone else. (We had earlier made an agreement to tell each other if we started to sleep w/ others). At this time I was friends w/ him on social media and saw that he was making flirtatious comments to other women and became jealous. To make long story short, 6/2014, I discovered through a mutual friend that he had also been sleeping with her too. I got upset and cut all contact w/ him. Recently we started talking regularly again through text. The first time we met up since the argument, he apologized for lying and for treating me poorly and said he would make it up to me. At the time I was still a little hurt and was not very receptive. ( I should mention, I was nervous about meeting up with him and by the time I finally agreed to see him, was in the evening and had been drinking). We continue to talk via text and slept together once. However, I now feel his behavior towards me has changed. He seems more distant and guarded than before the argument. Now he contacts me via text 1-2 x a wk to "hang out" and most of the texts occur either Mon or Tues. evening when he's got nothing going on or during the wkends after the bars have closed. He doesn't ask me out, just over his house. (He recently lost his job, so I don't know if that is a factor or not at all). I really enjoyed his company the way it was before the argument. I don't know if he now just sees me as a FWB or not even. He also keeps telling me how it's impossible to meet people in the town we're in and acts slightly jealous if I'm out and makes comments about w/n I'm on a date or have met someone. Confused. My questions: Is this salvageable? Can a relationship be turned around after someone acts needy and possessive? Can I make him desire me again or will he now always see me as someone he "has" on call so does not need to invest in or care for? Feeling a lot of regret for my past actions. Any advice would be appreciated. Well, there no way for us to know if you can get him to re-invest. However, what you can and should do now is mirror his actions and don't initiate things first. In addition, do not accept spending time with him after the bars have closed. Start making yourself busy, I mean actually busy, not playing games and unavailable to him. If he starts to come toward you again, be receptive but not accommodating. If he doesn't follow you, you will know that he's moved on from any desire/intention to pursue anything more with you. So be it. 2
Brooke02 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 He doesn't respect you, he only wants sex. You need to dump him and move on, find someone who deserves you. Have some self worth, stop sleeping with him. 1
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Confused. My questions: Is this salvageable? There is nothing to salvage. He has always viewed you as someone he has sex with and nothing more. Can a relationship be turned around after someone acts needy and possessive? I don't think he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. Can I make him desire me again or will he now always see me as someone he "has" on call so does not need to invest in or care for? The first time around he used you for sex. The second time around he's doing it again. I don't think there is any way of reversing how he views you. Feeling a lot of regret for my past actions. Any advice would be appreciated. Don't waste anymore time regretting. Let him go and start wanting better for yourself. You have to know you deserve better. 2
Redhead14 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 There is nothing to salvage. He has always viewed you as someone he has sex with and nothing more. I don't think he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. The first time around he used you for sex. The second time around he's doing it again. I don't think there is any way of reversing how he views you. Don't waste anymore time regretting. Let him go and start wanting better for yourself. You have to know you deserve better. And, salvaging is something you would do for a marriage or truly invested long-term relationship, not something you would do to keep a dating scenario.
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 You don't sound "needy" or possessive. You just sound like a woman who wants a serious relationship, who's unfortunately dealing with a man that's not on the same page. And you haven't yet accepted that you need to drop this. You were right to cut off contact after learning he was sleeping with someone else. That upset you, so it wasn't healthy to continue. Your mistake was letting him back into your life months later even though nothing has changed with him. He clearly just wants to play the field right now and f*ck around with several women. That's not the right situation for you. And that's reasonable -- it wouldn't be the right situation for most women. You're not crazy. But at this point you should protect yourself and move on. 1
Author soundheart Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Thank you. Yeah, I am aware that my self worth has been a bit low, which I'm sure is why I am in this predicament. I just don't warm up to many people and felt really good w/ him. All I have ever known was monogamous relationships, never dated so unfortunately fell back on old behavior and acted like a girlfriend to someone who clearly never wanted one. I am not looking for marriage w/ this man, but enjoyed him as a companion. I would very much like to have him in my life, but know it can not be forced and fear I have already scared him off. I don't particularly enjoy dating. I can be a bit shy around new people and the idea of going out with men I don't know terrifies me, which is probably why I have clung so hard to this guy to avoid having to put my self out and meet others. It's just difficult during the lonely nights. I miss him and the attention, even though it apparently was just for sex. Ideally I would like to have him as a companion and his respect. I think my only option is to focus on myself, rebuild my confidence (because it is essentially non-existent) and see where things fall. I really appreciate every ones advice and outside perspective, as tough as it is to hear. Much Love to you for taking the time to respond. Again, Thank you!!
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