Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 So my bf got Dropbox and put me on his folders. So I'm going through and his personal work folder had two facebook pics of a girl he used to do business with. When she left her company she told him to add her on Facebook and he told her "well if you run off to Thailand or run for president let me know and I'm there" which seemed odd to me. Flirtatious? Idk. Anywho.. that day they added eachother and a couple weeks later I seen he was looking at her online pics. Mind you they don't have each others numbers well maybe her his.. they haven't spoke on facebook or anything but I seen today that day or a year ago he saved her pics to his work comp. So it's not like it's a spank bank since it's at the office. There are no other girls pics. They haven't spoke. He told me then he didn't have a crush on her and that he seen her pics. But why would he have saved them? Should I take it personal? Or feel insignificant that he saved some random girl he's never going to talk to agains pics and or maybe sounded a little flirtatious on his message to her originally? Maybe he saved them on accident but that seems unlikely. Please offer sound advice. I feel mad.
eye of the storm Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Do you have a reason to not trust him? I ask because you are cyber stalking him. You are going thru his messages to see who he is talking to, when he saved pictures, what pictures he saved, and probably a whole laundry list you don't mention here. If he has given you a reason to suspect him, I understand. I'm not saying it is a good idea but I understand. (And for the sake of honesty, I did it after I found my now ExH was cheating on me.) If he hasn't given you a reason, what you are doing is wrong. And one day this guy will get tired of it and dump you. And it will not be because of some random girl. It will be because you are treating him like cheating pond scum. I keep a clean house but if you lift up enough furniture you will find dust bunnies. Not because I keep a dirty house but because you kept searching till you found something to screech about. Do you see what I am saying? This guy could be clean as a whistle but if you search enough and pick enough you will find something you can twist in your mind to be awful, even if its not. If you can't control yourself (and it sounds like you can't) tell him to change all his passwords and to not give you access to his accounts. Tell him it is for both your benefits. Otherwise, just break up with him now, saves you time and effort and might save his sanity.
SycamoreCircle Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I was very much in love with my ex. I also looked at OK Cupid profiles from time to time. I may have even sent flirty messages to some of the women. But at the end of the day, it was my ex that I wanted in my bed and in my arms. I'm not saying that what I did was right but I think if we give people the freedom to indulge their fantasy life, it will support their reality.
PegNosePete Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think if we give people the freedom to indulge their fantasy life, it will support their reality. What a load of tosh. Maybe 1 in 100 times you will be right. But 99% of the time, when a guy (or girl) is browsing OLD profiles and sending flirty messages, he is a cheating scumbag. Accepting that kind of behaviour is a one-way road to major heartache. 3
salparadise Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 So I'm going through and his personal work folder had two facebook pics of a girl he used to do business with. Please offer sound advice. My advice is to stay the hell out of his computer and quit analyzing every little thing under a microscope. This kind of stalking and insecurity will kill a relationship as quick as anything. I honestly don't know why he'd give you access to his work computer. Did you ask (or insist) that access? A computer is like someone's billfold- it's full of personal stuff that nobody has any business messing with. I keep my computer password protected at all times, even though I'm not hiding anything and there is no one who even wants to rummage through my stuff. If my daughter (or anyone) needs to use it to get online, they can use the guest account. Same with phones... I have never picked up a girlfriend's (or anyone's) phone to see who they've called/messaged and as far as I know none of them have ever attempted to look through mine... even though there's been opportunity. It's a boundary thing. If I was dating someone who felt she wanted to, and had a right to, scrutinize everything on my computer, I'd probably end it. I think you should tell him to turn off the dropbox access, and unless you have some kind of solid evidence of impropriety don't even think about again.
Frank2thepoint Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I keep a clean house but if you lift up enough furniture you will find dust bunnies. Not because I keep a dirty house but because you kept searching till you found something to screech about. Do you see what I am saying? This guy could be clean as a whistle but if you search enough and pick enough you will find something you can twist in your mind to be awful, even if its not. I concur with this. My ex-girlfriend did this to the point she was obsessing over something negative that only she perceived. She used it as an excuse to end a promising relationship. But in retrospect and being positive, I'm glad it ended. She really had no trust in me and it was only a matter of time her insecurity overtook her. 1
Author Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 How come no one has commented on why he would have these two pictures of this girl on his computer he said he had no crush on? Why he would save them, considering, it's work. It's not like he's fantasizing at work. Was he sending them to people? Did he feel the need to save them even though they're on facebook and they're friends? I don't get the point of saving these pictures. My bf lives with me and is with me all of our time outside of work. When he's texting someone, he's usually talking to me about it vice versa. My thing is, if you find something while you're cleaning for dust bunnies, it shouldn't be ignored. I just don't get the point of saving the pictures. So I have the right in my private life to have relationships with other people? No.lol I have the right in my private life to save ppictures of real people and flirt with them? If so that's not the kind of relationship I want. If people can't be 100% faithful without having to flirt with other people, what's the point? I want someone who flirts with me not every single woman they meet or work with then wonder why no woman trusts them. He doesn't do this stuff though, his comment at the time may have been flirty, imo, though other people may not think so, but he hasn't spoke to her since. I just don't get the picture thing, can't wrap my head around it. I don't save random pics of dudes i said i have no crush on on my computer. Especially at work. 1
Author Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Do I trust him? Absolutely not. All this pictures/comments thing leads me to believe is all it takes is a pretty face to come along and all honesty is lost considering when I mentioned he was creeping on her pictures, BACK THEN WHEN IT HAPPENED, he said he wasn't. Yet he saved them? lol Come on. So all it takes is a pretty face to make you completely lie to someone? That's not something that's trustworthy or something I should deal with.
eye of the storm Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I didn't comment on him saving 2 picts because to me they were a non issue. Your lack of trust and snooping was to me the glaring problem. He saved two picts and sent what may or may not have been a flirtatious msg. If that is the worst thing this guy does....well ... them some mighty small dust bunnies you got there. You have given this guys electronics a colonoscopy and all you found were two office type pics and what might have been just friendly banter. It looks to me like you are looking for a reason to be upset, to punish him, or to dump him. If you are that jealous and possessive I personally feel bad for the guy. You were looking for us all to dump on the guy, yet we all focused on your actions. Maybe we see something you don't want to. Maybe you are the one in the wrong here and not him. But, if Im wrong and the guy is a bag full of dust bunnies, dump him and find someone else to focus your PI skills on. Edited to add: You state you don't trust him. Trust is essential to a good healthy relationship. If you are unable to trust him, it will end up causing you both a lot of pain and anger to drag this out. Edited November 18, 2014 by eye of the storm
serial muse Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) Do I trust him? Absolutely not. All this pictures/comments thing leads me to believe is all it takes is a pretty face to come along and all honesty is lost considering when I mentioned he was creeping on her pictures, BACK THEN WHEN IT HAPPENED, he said he wasn't. Yet he saved them? lol Come on. So all it takes is a pretty face to make you completely lie to someone? That's not something that's trustworthy or something I should deal with. OK, whooooaaaa, you're getting overwrought here. I notice in the previous post you said you "want someone who flirts with me, not every single woman" at work - but you yourself acknowledge that he doesn't do this! This is about your fears, not your boyfriend's behavior at all. You are doing what's known as catastrophizing: taking something small and blowing it up into a huge crisis of epic proportions. Does that mean I think that one should ignore a red flag? Of course not. But let's be clear about what a red flag is. Like others who have posted in this thread already, I was married to a man who cheated on me. When I eventually copped to the warning signs, of which there were many, I confronted him and got nowhere. He lied lied lied and gaslighted me up one side and down the other. FINALLY, after I'd tried everything else, I snooped, and yes, got to the truth at last. I tell you this not because I think your guy is cheating on you, but because there will be other evidence - his behavior to you, secretive phone behaviors, mysterious time online, etc. etc. You haven't experienced anything like this, it sounds like. He was up front about who this girl is, and told you pretty much what there is to tell. With one exception. A couple of FB pics of this woman. Public pics he may have right-clicked and saved. Not a whole bunch of pics, just a couple. You know, maybe he did have a tiny crush on her. Who knows; he didn't do anything about it and it's over and done with now anyway. That thought hurts, I know - but it seems to also be the worst-case scenario here, and since they haven't spoken since and he did this a year ago it is seriously NOT much of a worst-case. Best-case scenario is that he saved the pics for work-related reasons. Who knows. I know that what you've seen can't be unseen, once you've opened Pandora's box you can't close it, etc. etc. That's why snooping in your partner's email, etc., should really be a last resort, not standard business practice. The point about dust bunnies is a good one. I suspect that if your boyfriend were to snoop around in your files/papers/journals/whatever private things he might find some dust bunnies you wouldn't be too proud of, but that right now aren't even things you realize could look bad. We're all human. The trick is to know when it's reasonable to confront. If there isn't anything else that's pinging your radar, then I don't think it's a good idea, and I think you should forget his Dropbox password. Which brings me to this: Did you snoop because you have a habit of snooping (and perhaps have done so in the past with others)? Or did you snoop because you are suspicious of him? Edited November 18, 2014 by serial muse 2
Frank2thepoint Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 How come no one has commented on why he would have these two pictures of this girl on his computer he said he had no crush on? Since the pictures are from a year ago, he probably forgot he saved them on his computer. I discover things on my computer that I have forgotten about. If it bothers you, ask him to delete the pictures.
Author Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 My main concern was we were already dating a year and a half when he saved those pics. When I asked him then "Why were you creeping on some girls pics" he said he wasn't. He said he didn't have a crush on her. Yet a year later it comes up he did save them and was infact creeping on them obviously to have saved them.
serial muse Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 My main concern was we were already dating a year and a half when he saved those pics. When I asked him then "Why were you creeping on some girls pics" he said he wasn't. He said he didn't have a crush on her. Yet a year later it comes up he did save them and was infact creeping on them obviously to have saved them. Again you're assuming the absolute worst. Looking at someone's FB isn't necessarily creeping on them. You didn't trust him then and you don't now. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt - what has he done that broke your trust? Looking at someone's FB doesn't seem like enough to cause this panic. 1
Author Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I mean, we're all ignoring my question(lol), What purpose does 1 have to save these pics on a work computer?
littleblackheart Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Seems like you're on the war path, OP. Whatever answer your bf is going to give you on thiis won't cut it with you, especially since you've been freaking out over it for a year. Either let it go, or let him go, would be my advice. 2
MissBee Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Do I trust him? Absolutely not. All this pictures/comments thing leads me to believe is all it takes is a pretty face to come along and all honesty is lost considering when I mentioned he was creeping on her pictures, BACK THEN WHEN IT HAPPENED, he said he wasn't. Yet he saved them? lol Come on. So all it takes is a pretty face to make you completely lie to someone? That's not something that's trustworthy or something I should deal with. Break up with him then and save yourself and him the trouble of carrying on with a trust-less relationship. 1
Author Sevria84 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 But why would he have saved pics if he didn't like the girl? When I asked if he was creeping he said no. Savings pics of a girl on your comp seems creepy to me. Or was it just a flat out lie to me when I did ask?
eye of the storm Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Nothing he or any of us say is going to make you feel better. Break up with him. Being involved with a guy you trust this little, are so insecure with, and so jealous over is toxic...for both of you. Break up with him. It will allow both of you to move on and find someone better.
Frank2thepoint Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I mean, we're all ignoring my question(lol), What purpose does 1 have to save these pics on a work computer? But why would he have saved pics if he didn't like the girl? When I asked if he was creeping he said no. Savings pics of a girl on your comp seems creepy to me. Or was it just a flat out lie to me when I did ask? He saved her pics because he did like her a little bit. Enough to be able to look at them from time to time and fantasize.
serial muse Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 But why would he have saved pics if he didn't like the girl? When I asked if he was creeping he said no. Savings pics of a girl on your comp seems creepy to me. Or was it just a flat out lie to me when I did ask? As I said in my first post in this thread, let's face the worst-case scenario head-on: Maybe he did have a little crush on her. They friended each other on FB, he looked at her FB profile at least once and apparently saved a couple of the pictures and he didn't tell you that he did that. However, they haven't contacted each other on FB or anywhere else since she left a year ago, so that appears to be the end of it as far as he's concerned. This is only getting new life because you were snooping around in his Dropbox and turned up some old hurt. OK. Like I said, of course it hurts to think that someone you're with might have a little crush. I'd feel hurt too. But this all happened a year ago and nothing happened anyway. So is the idea that he might have had a crush on someone that he didn't pursue a dealbreaker for you? Is it worth blowing up the relationship? Ball's in your court.
WasOtherWoman Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Why did he put you on his dropbox in the first place? Was there some specific reason?
Author Sevria84 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 He saved her pics because he did like her a little bit. Enough to be able to look at them from time to time and fantasize. at work? in an office full of people? lol He hasn't opened the pictures since he saved them. It's why I thought maybe it was even an accident.
Author Sevria84 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 As I said in my first post in this thread, let's face the worst-case scenario head-on: Maybe he did have a little crush on her. They friended each other on FB, he looked at her FB profile at least once and apparently saved a couple of the pictures and he didn't tell you that he did that. However, they haven't contacted each other on FB or anywhere else since she left a year ago, so that appears to be the end of it as far as he's concerned. This is only getting new life because you were snooping around in his Dropbox and turned up some old hurt. OK. Like I said, of course it hurts to think that someone you're with might have a little crush. I'd feel hurt too. But this all happened a year ago and nothing happened anyway. So is the idea that he might have had a crush on someone that he didn't pursue a dealbreaker for you? Is it worth blowing up the relationship? Ball's in your court. Well like I said.. It probably doesn't matter. Again, he could have very well saved them on accident. Though, do I need to worry everytime a pretty face comes along all the work i've put into a relationship and all the things i've let go and had to go without are all thrown away and i'm thrown out because he gets a crush on someone else and decides to pursue it and leave me in the dust? Or like nothing we've been through together matters as soon as a pretty face comes along? I don't do that or treat him that way. I expect the same respect. I don't think that's asking for alot. I know the pictures were probably nothing, hey, maybe he was mad at me that day and did think she was hot, no biggie to think someones hot, maybe he just saved em' to be a dumb boy, and do a dumb boy thing, i know it wasn't significant. My only thing is, just seems a little distrustful to immediately be thinking about someone else if you are upset with someone atm, or saving pictures of someone for no reason knowing it would hurt someone who's already insecure with you. Why should I feel completely trusting in this situation? I've never once made him think he had to question my trustworthiness with him especially over another person. It's just him. I have no crushes on other dudes. Celebrities are hot sure, i don't save their pics, let alone a real person i may have known , on my work computer? It's just odd is all. I probably won't say anything about it to him, why bring it up now? Am I a little hurt over it, thinking of what was he possibly thinking of at the time, yes. Do I want to get in an argument over? Absolutely not. Things are good enough most the time, after a year and a half of arguing, getting used to eachother, that i think we can still make it work. We just have to get past this trusting thing. I do want to say something about this, but at the same time, i don't see a point. No matter what i say he'll just say "IDK, I don't remember, I didn't know they were there, i'm not sure why i saved them, or it was an accident clearly" blah blah. But maybe i should be a little upfront about what i consider things that i'm not happy with or about, and if he's not willing to conform or atleast meet me in the middle somewhere decide if we should stay together or not. I don't want a relationship that feels 1 sided in that aspect, i deserve the same respect I give. I will give him that he's done a lot for me, shows he loves me, is very affectionate, includes me in everything, and wants what's best for me. I want what's best for me to be me and him giving eachother the same respect though.
serial muse Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Well like I said.. It probably doesn't matter. Again, he could have very well saved them on accident. Though, 1. do I need to worry everytime a pretty face comes along all the work i've put into a relationship and all the things i've let go and had to go without are all thrown away and i'm thrown out because he gets a crush on someone else and decides to pursue it and leave me in the dust? Or like nothing we've been through together matters as soon as a pretty face comes along? I don't do that or treat him that way. I expect the same respect. I don't think that's asking for alot. I know the pictures were probably nothing, hey, maybe he was mad at me that day and did think she was hot, no biggie to think someones hot, maybe he just saved em' to be a dumb boy, and do a dumb boy thing, i know it wasn't significant. My only thing is, just seems a little distrustful to immediately be thinking about someone else if you are upset with someone atm, or saving pictures of someone for no reason knowing it would hurt someone who's already insecure with you. Why should I feel completely trusting in this situation? I've never once made him think he had to question my trustworthiness with him especially over another person. It's just him. I have no crushes on other dudes. Celebrities are hot sure, i don't save their pics, let alone a real person i may have known , on my work computer? It's just odd is all. I probably won't say anything about it to him, why bring it up now? Am I a little hurt over it, thinking of what was he possibly thinking of at the time, yes. Do I want to get in an argument over? Absolutely not. Things are good enough most the time, after a year and a half of arguing, getting used to eachother, that i think we can still make it work. 2. We just have to get past this trusting thing. I do want to say something about this, but at the same time, i don't see a point. No matter what i say he'll just say "IDK, I don't remember, I didn't know they were there, i'm not sure why i saved them, or it was an accident clearly" blah blah. But 3. maybe i should be a little upfront about what i consider things that i'm not happy with or about, and if he's not willing to conform or atleast meet me in the middle somewhere decide if we should stay together or not. I don't want a relationship that feels 1 sided in that aspect, 4. i deserve the same respect I give. I will give him that he's done a lot for me, shows he loves me, is very affectionate, includes me in everything, and wants what's best for me. I want what's best for me to be me and him giving eachother the same respect though. 1. No, you don't need to worry, because he didn't do that and this appears to be an isolated case anyway, so if you decide to worry in this way it's because you've got some deep-seated insecurities that are yours to face and deal with. 2. This is a thing that, I must say, I think you need to get past. I don't see that he's really earned the mistrust you have for him. I say this gently: Have you considered therapy for this? It seems pretty intense. 3. If you approach it as wanting to express that it's a thing that you struggle with and want him to understand, then sure, I think it's good to bring up and make him aware of it. If you accuse him of something, though, be prepared for him to be defensive - particularly because he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. Don't assume he won't meet you in the middle - that just makes people dig in their heels. But an open conversation about how this is something that hurts for you - sure, that's a good thing to have. 4. Fair enough, but a) you're convicting him of not showing you respect without even having a conversation about it; and b) you're not showing him respect in other ways - you're assuming the worst about him without giving him some benefit of the doubt. It sounds from everything else you say about him that he deserves that benefit from you - that, too, is a kind of respect. And it's one that perhaps he pays to you, but you don't return to him in equal measure. So, just something to think about. There are many ways of disrespecting a person. I hope you guys can work this out. Please give him a chance to talk and don't go in expecting a battle, though. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 at work? in an office full of people? lol He hasn't opened the pictures since he saved them. It's why I thought maybe it was even an accident. Then the matter is resolved. He forgot about them since he hasn't looked at them the one time. Why did he do it in the first place is a question you may never get the answer to. But clearly you should talk to him and be upfront about how this makes you feel.
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