jj99 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I am still stuck in a stalemate w/ my bf of 6 years. I think this is the final FINAL swan song of our relationship after breaking up and reuniting. The first time around, we were together for 4 1/2 years and living together. We were broken up for a little more than a year before he contacted me again on NYE. We took it slow and then after about 8 months, we decided to get back together. We have now been together for 2 years +. We have been recently talking about buying a house together, etc. But the past couple months have been stressful; I lost my job, his father is ill and he lost some money w/ his business. We got into a fight over something so ridiculous that Im not even going to explain what it was over - Im assuming that it was 1 of those fights where a bunch of repressed stuff just came spilling out @ the wrong time, (for both of us). It resulted in us not seeing each other for a month. During that month we only spoke a few times. We finally had a serious conversation this past thursday night that lasted a couple hours. When it began, we both agreed to try to end it amicably. But as we talked, he began to get nasty and say horrible things so I said that "if this is our last time speaking, I don't want it to be like this. I wish we could have made this work, I love you and want the best for you." When I asked him what he wanted me to do w/all of his stuff, he began to flip out and cry hysterically. He said that he didn't want to break up and how did this happen, etc. I couldn't even begin to tell you what we said to each other since it was such a long conversation, but towards the end, we were both exhausted and rushed off the phone - kind of agreeing to figure/work things out. I asked if we were still together and he said we're 1 in the same but IDK WTF he meant by that. The next day he texted me that he was sorry he got off so abruptly- he had a headache but he hoped I had a good day. I thanked him and wished him the same. I gave it a rest and waited until later the next night to text him saying I hope he had a good day and had a good dentist appt, etc. He response was weird and robotic. He said thanks and went into great detail about his visit and that he's "happy that modern dentistry exists" I just said glad your better and left it at that b/c I had no clue how to respond to that. I left everything alone during the weekend. I didn't have the patience or head space to deal w/it. I texted him earlier this afternoon to see if he was free 1 day/night this week to hang out for a bit and maybe talk. His response was "idk about 'free' since I feel like there's plenty to occupy my time, but sure Id be happy to try and get together for a bit." This hurt me for many reasons - obvs. I replied "well if you can make some time, Id appreciate it." He responded w/ "sorry, didn't mean to imply you're not worth making time for, just that Im often overwhelmed by the wonders of the world. just let me know what works for you." We're supposed to meet for dinner in 2 nights. And now Im unsure how I should handle this conversation. IDK if it's a matter of co-dependency at this point b/c when I begin to agree that maybe we should end it - he flips and I get upset and when I say that Ill stay if we "do the hard work" he begins to get defensive - perhaps he thinks Im calling his bluff, but Im tired of racking my brain and that's why Im here. I dont know how to NOT sound like a broken record while getting my point across. I dont know how to show him that Im willing to do the work as long as he does the same. Im not good w/ my emotions while he tends to be over-emotional. I want to make this conversation as calm and thorough as possible. Any suggestions???
Mr Scorpio Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I don't know that I would have the conversation in person. If your last conversation lasted several hours, do you think you will reach any meaningful resolution over the period of a dinner? Perhaps e-mail is a viable option? That would allow him to temper his emotion and filter his thoughts before they come spilling out. If the conversation must occur in person, and at this forthcoming dinner, I would try to limit the conversation to as few subtopics as possible. Obviously the state of your relationship will be the main topic. But can you break it down into smaller pieces? For example, discussing how both of you feel about what caused the breakup? Or what both of you feel the other person must do for the relationship to succeed? Or what each of you will do yourselves? Finally, you mentioned job loss and financial loss. I assume that renders couples therapy as null and void. However, it could be a worthwhile investment if you can afford it. 1
Author jj99 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) Mr. Scorpio you are right. Im not expecting to get anything major accomplished during dinner, it would be nice to know where we stand. If we're together then we're together and will do what has to be done, but if it's over w/ I would just like to know so I can begin the process of getting over this relationship and moving on w/my life. I like your idea about the subtopics and plan on using that- thanks! - I think that might be the only way to keep the conversation focused and calm. I don't mind taking some time away from each other to figure things out, I just wish I wasn't left in the lurch. I still have health ins through Cobra from my old job, so Im going to go back to therapy starting next week. I have been looking for free counseling groups or sliding scale counselors for couples counseling, we talked about going... Edited November 18, 2014 by jj99
Author jj99 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 P.S. - It prob seems like it, but I am NOT trying to push things. I can respect his need for some time - I even suggested that maybe we just stick to texts and emails until after the holidays, that way maybe we'd have a clearer vision of things; but he just kind of turns cold at the suggestion. I just want to know if were together or not. The fight was idiotic, (even he agrees), and would be a stupid thing to break up over - esp since we got back together 2 years ago and have been really trying/doing well. ...I just have a lot of questions, my emotions are on over-drive and my head is swimming. It's such a high-stakes conversation that the emotions are swinging high. IDK how to handle this conversation w/o coming off either pushy or cold...
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