lemonso Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I've been seeing a fellow for several weeks now, and it's been going great. We go on a date, or go to his place, a few times a week. We end up messaging each other practically from when we wake up to when we go to sleep. He's told me that he really likes me, despite trying not to this soon, but he's cautious of letting down his guard because he's been hurt so much in the past. Neither of us are seeing other people, and haven't since our first date. I've met some of his friends and coworkers, and he even invited me to meet the family (!), albeit I politely declined due to work obligations. The time I spend with him is great, and we both agree that it's comfortable and enjoyable. He's caring and makes his affection for me known -- he kisses me a lot, he'll hold my hand when we watch a movie, or wrap himself around me. He's just a big snuggle bug! Now, I told him right off that I'm not necessarily looking for anything long term or serious, but I wasn't just wanting to hook up for weeks on end either. I also said that what I want could change in time, but I just don't know. I think we both want *something* but don't really know how to go about approaching it. For some perspective, I got out of a very long relationship about half a year ago, and he divorced within the last year or two. We both have histories, and neither of us want to get naturally. I'm not saying I want him to tell me right here and now that he wants me to be his girlfriend, but does it sound like we could be moving in that direction, or will be stagnate like this? Edited November 18, 2014 by lemonso
will j Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think it could possibly stagnate, but there are ways you can get him to feel more strongly for you. You said you text all the time. For a couple days, dramatically reduce the amount and length of your texts. What pulls away attracts us even more strongly. Trust me. Also, here's an article on how to get a guy to commit.
Leigh 87 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 If he was really into you he'd want a relationship. He's just not crazy about you. But he really really likes you. 1
Adele0908 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 What you need to do is just relax and fall back. You are not his girlfriend, so don't act like one. I think he definitely likes you, but you seem anxious. You being anxious is a turn-off. You have to try to relax and enjoy life. Be confident. Believe that you are highly likeable and attractive person. The doubt that enters your mind comes from you questioning your own attractiveness and self-worth. If he ends up hurting you, it wasn't your fault. At least you tried. If he chooses to leave you, don't take it personally. If it doesn't work out, another man will come your way. If you are not exclusive, what's wrong with you going out on dates with other men? Don't limit yourself, and you will lose that anxious feeling.
Author lemonso Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 What you need to do is just relax and fall back. You are not his girlfriend, so don't act like one. I think he definitely likes you, but you seem anxious. You being anxious is a turn-off. You have to try to relax and enjoy life. Be confident. Believe that you are highly likeable and attractive person. The doubt that enters your mind comes from you questioning your own attractiveness and self-worth. If he ends up hurting you, it wasn't your fault. At least you tried. If he chooses to leave you, don't take it personally. If it doesn't work out, another man will come your way. If you are not exclusive, what's wrong with you going out on dates with other men? Don't limit yourself, and you will lose that anxious feeling. Thank you so much for saying this. It is what I try to tell myself, as it is the logical approach to the situation. I just need to hear it, and remind myself, and tell myself to "ride this horse till it bucks me off" haha c:
mammasita Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I'm confused about what YOU want. If you don't want anything long term or serious - and you told him this from the get go - why on earth do you expect him to put a title on it? If I were him, saying you and he are "in a relationship" would be the last thing on my mind. You're sending way mixed signals from where I'm sitting.
preraph Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 If you now feel like you might want to go the distance with him, don't tell him that, but to maybe get him jump-started, do tell him that since getting to know him more, you are feeling closer than you thought you might be able to when you first started dating. Nothing heavy and pressurey and scary and asking for a commitment, just that you're still open to moving ahead.
Emilia Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Now, I told him right off that I'm not necessarily looking for anything long term or serious, but I wasn't just wanting to hook up for weeks on end either. I also said that what I want could change in time, but I just don't know. I think we both want *something* but don't really know how to go about approaching it. It's a mistake saying you don't necessarily want long term or serious when you don't mean it. When someone says that to me, I automatically check out and that person goes down in priority. this wanting 'something' doesn't usually go anywhere IME. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 You're coming off as one of those women who say they "don't know what they want" but then suddenly and miraculously you change your mind and you are now "interested" in a pursuing a relationship or considering it (because you don't want to just play around naturally) and now wondering how to initiate the famous "relationship conversation". Here's the thing...if you go into a relationship with the mindset it isn't going to be serious, expect it not to be serious. Otherwise, you're likely to be disappointed. The kind of people you attract and are attracted to in that state, or likely not great for you long-term and not the kind of people you should be looking for. Keep it simple in your life and keep yourself as the priority. Don't make another relationship the center point of your life and now everything revolves around it, chances are you're just going through a rebound phase and so is he...it's natural and normal. If by some chance it escalates, let him do. But even then, I'd strongly advise you to make this a short thing and then spend some time on your own so you can recalibrate and reorganize your life, it is not that quick and easy to get used to being alone and learning how to live life around you...and IMO very unhealthy and traumatic to relationship hop, which is what those kind of people tend to exactly do, the worst choices are made under an unclear mind and heart.
Redhead14 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I've been seeing a fellow for several weeks now, and it's been going great. We go on a date, or go to his place, a few times a week. We end up messaging each other practically from when we wake up to when we go to sleep. He's told me that he really likes me, despite trying not to this soon, but he's cautious of letting down his guard because he's been hurt so much in the past. Neither of us are seeing other people, and haven't since our first date. I've met some of his friends and coworkers, and he even invited me to meet the family (!), albeit I politely declined due to work obligations. The time I spend with him is great, and we both agree that it's comfortable and enjoyable. He's caring and makes his affection for me known -- he kisses me a lot, he'll hold my hand when we watch a movie, or wrap himself around me. He's just a big snuggle bug! Now, I told him right off that I'm not necessarily looking for anything long term or serious, but I wasn't just wanting to hook up for weeks on end either. I also said that what I want could change in time, but I just don't know. I think we both want *something* but don't really know how to go about approaching it. For some perspective, I got out of a very long relationship about half a year ago, and he divorced within the last year or two. We both have histories, and neither of us want to get naturally. I'm not saying I want him to tell me right here and now that he wants me to be his girlfriend, but does it sound like we could be moving in that direction, or will be stagnate like this? It's not clear to me why you think he is hesitant. He's inviting you to meet family already. That's actually kinda fast to be doing that. If he is indeed hesitant, it likely is because you are giving him mixed messages. You don't want anything long term or serious, but you can't figure out why he's not asking you to be his girlfriend? You need to get clear with yourself about what you want. What you have now fits what you said you wanted. The truth is that when someone enters the situation you are in, it is wise to keep your emotions in check so as not to get too invested in the situation. Now that you have those emotions, you need to communicate to him that you do have these emotions and are hoping for more now. There isn't anything wrong with that. Do it in a non-confrontational, conversational way and give him time to respond. No pressure. 1
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