Things can change so fast!!

[Firestarter1069]

Something happened to me last night and I almost wasn't going to post it. I broke down, BIG time. One of the things she told me she was looking forward to was Thanksgiving dinner together with me. She was telling me in September it's been a long time since she had a nice holiday meal with someone she truly loves. Well since I've always cooked the holiday meals for my family and friends I am the one who obviously does the shopping for these holiday meals as well. I've been putting off doing the shopping because of how I've been feeling lately and since I can't let my family down I ventured out last night. What made it worse is we are in the midst of a snow storm right now and that started last night. Even though we both hate snow it was the snow that technically brought us together, me giving her rides to and from work. Anyway as I'm loading up the cart it hit me, I realized she will not be with me for dinner tomorrow and I completely lost control of all my emotions and broke down balling my eyes out...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GROCERY STORE!!! Why can't I seem to get over this? I actually felt like a total loser for losing it in the store??

 

This was the first time I actually cried over her. In fact it's the first time I have cried like this since 2006 when my mom died. I have a bad feeling these next few days are going to be the hardest yet and it's been almost 2 months. What is wrong with me???

[SoThatHappened]

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're healing.

 

Let the tears flow and embrace the pain. That's how it will leave your body. It's a cliche saying, but it's true.

 

If you were repressing things, you'd just be delaying the healing process. Let that s*** out.

[Itspointless]

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're healing.

 

Let the tears flow and embrace the pain. That's how it will leave your body. It's a cliche saying, but it's true.

 

If you were repressing things, you'd just be delaying the healing process. Let that s*** out.

^^^^ this!

[PaperCrane]

Similar thing happened to me last year, right before Thanksgiving. I was in a LTR of 7.5 years and always did the cooking as well. Doing the shopping alone for the first time in awhile I just breezed the aisles like I always did and grabbed what we had always grabbed.

In the checkout lane, as I was loading the stuff onto the belt, it just hit me and from there I pretty much followed suit with you. In my case it was GIGS, so I can relate to the utterly confused portion of your problem.

 

I have to agree with SoThatHappened in terms of ways to heal.

The best one is just time. Let everything come out, feel everything you need to and one day you will wake up not feeling like a bag of beaten dog ****.

 

Remember man, it's not your fault.

[Firestarter1069]

I did something I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do. I went on to social media and deleted any posts I made where she commented on, liked, or was included in my post. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it because of having to re-visit the posts. Turned out it really wasn't that difficult. In fact I found myself enjoying it. I was even commenting to myself after each click saying stuff like, "remember that, yeah neither do I....CLICK".

 

There are still thoughts I will have for the time being, but I feel as if I made a huge step forward in the past 24-36 hours.

[Firestarter1069]

Question....About 2 weeks ago she contacted me about some clothing I have at her place. Obviously it's things I don't really need. I suggested she give them to somebody here at work and I can get them that way. She said she didn't want to make that person feel awkward so I told her to just bag them up and drop them off at a Goodwill type store or some sort of charity place. She then says to me, "That sounds like a big F you, since there are 4 shirts I bought you".

 

I honestly don't even want any of the stuff I have there, especially the stuff she bought me, I haven't heard from her since then so maybe she got rid of them. Did I handle this the right way?

[Chi townD]

Question....About 2 weeks ago she contacted me about some clothing I have at her place. Obviously it's things I don't really need. I suggested she give them to somebody here at work and I can get them that way. She said she didn't want to make that person feel awkward so I told her to just bag them up and drop them off at a Goodwill type store or some sort of charity place. She then says to me, "That sounds like a big F you, since there are 4 shirts I bought you".

 

I honestly don't even want any of the stuff I have there, especially the stuff she bought me, I haven't heard from her since then so maybe she got rid of them. Did I handle this the right way?

 

 

 

Yep! You handled that well. And as far as that little dig saying that it was a big F you because 4 of those shirts are ones she bought you; well, which is the bigger F you? Not taking the shirts back or getting dumped by her?

 

 

Don't stress over it. You're doing well.

[Firestarter1069]

Sorry if I keep bringing this stuff up, but I've received the best advice from this site.

 

Yesterday I was walking in the hallway when one of her friends asks me if I could meet her on break, different friend, not the one I ran into at the grocery store. So I agree. She says to me if you don't want to talk you don't have to. I still agree to talk even though I know what it's going to be about.

 

Her friend says to me that she "yelled" at her over the weekend about me. My ex said to her, "I know I messed up, but I really needed time to myself to sort things out." Her friend also told me over the past 3 weeks they've had numerous conversations about me. In fact missing me and loving me came up quite a bit. Her friend told her to text me then or something to which my ex replied that she couldn't, she feels embarrassed and that I'm probably mad at her.

 

I told her believe it or not I'm not mad at her and I miss our conversations, I miss the little things we used to do, and I miss her.(I really do) I also said I can't text her to reconcile, I felt as if I did all that I could the day we parted ways. NO CONTACT!!!

 

In parting her friend says to me, "she was the happiest she's ever been, you guys were/are great together and not to sound all high school-like, but can I tell her about this conversation." I told her she could but you have to promise me that you stress the fact I did NOT approach you. She said that won't be a problem because I told her I was going to talk to you.

 

I'm not trying to find a silver lining in any of this, but the reality is I would forgive my ex in a heartbeat and if she'd come back I'd accept her, however there would be a long long talk about anything before we move forward.

 

Does this count as breaking NC on my end? I mean knowing this info let's say my ex reached out to me and it's not a breadcrumb type contact, should I follow up with her or let her be?

[Chi townD]

Sorry if I keep bringing this stuff up, but I've received the best advice from this site.

 

Yesterday I was walking in the hallway when one of her friends asks me if I could meet her on break, different friend, not the one I ran into at the grocery store. So I agree. She says to me if you don't want to talk you don't have to. I still agree to talk even though I know what it's going to be about.

 

Her friend says to me that she "yelled" at her over the weekend about me. My ex said to her, "I know I messed up, but I really needed time to myself to sort things out." Her friend also told me over the past 3 weeks they've had numerous conversations about me. In fact missing me and loving me came up quite a bit. Her friend told her to text me then or something to which my ex replied that she couldn't, she feels embarrassed and that I'm probably mad at her.

 

I told her believe it or not I'm not mad at her and I miss our conversations, I miss the little things we used to do, and I miss her.(I really do) I also said I can't text her to reconcile, I felt as if I did all that I could the day we parted ways. NO CONTACT!!!

 

In parting her friend says to me, "she was the happiest she's ever been, you guys were/are great together and not to sound all high school-like, but can I tell her about this conversation." I told her she could but you have to promise me that you stress the fact I did NOT approach you. She said that won't be a problem because I told her I was going to talk to you.

 

I'm not trying to find a silver lining in any of this, but the reality is I would forgive my ex in a heartbeat and if she'd come back I'd accept her, however there would be a long long talk about anything before we move forward.

 

Does this count as breaking NC on my end? I mean knowing this info let's say my ex reached out to me and it's not a breadcrumb type contact, should I follow up with her or let her be?

 

 

 

 

Is it breaking NC? Ummm....yes and no. I mean, you can talk to whoever you want, but when you started talking about your Ex, that's when you broke NC.

 

 

But, you should have run with it. You know damn well your Ex sent her to talk to you and it's sounding like her friend was encouraging you to call her. That's when you should have took your stand. You should have said,

 

 

"Look, she made a choice and unfortunately it wasn't me. She decided to have me out of her life. And as much as I didn't want that, I had to respect her wishes. That was her choice and I'm not going to stick around where I'm not wanted. So, there's no point in contacting her. I'm giving her exactly what she's asked for and that is for me to be gone. I'm trying to move on with my life. It's going to be hard, but I know I'm going to be alright."

 

 

Now, you should know the difference between a breadcrumb and what isn't. You ignore those breadcrumbs and the ONLY thing you respond to is "I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I'll do anything to get you back." That is the ONLY thing you should entertain. If you would have said the above paragraph, that would have gotten back to your Ex. It should have shaken her up and think, "Oh Sh*t! What have I done? He has every intention of leaving." That should have helped her swallow her pride and humble herself into getting that "I'm sorry" text or call or else she's going to lose you for good. And if you don't get that text or phonecall, then she really wasn't that serious about losing you.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Chi townD

[Firestarter1069]

Is it breaking NC? Ummm....yes and no. I mean, you can talk to whoever you want, but when you started talking about your Ex, that's when you broke NC.

 

 

But, you should have run with it. You know damn well your Ex sent her to talk to you and it's sounding like her friend was encouraging you to call her. That's when you should have took your stand. You should have said,

 

 

"Look, she made a choice and unfortunately it wasn't me. She decided to have me out of her life. And as much as I didn't want that, I had to respect her wishes. That was her choice and I'm not going to stick around where I'm not wanted. So, there's no point in contacting her. I'm giving her exactly what she's asked for and that is for me to be gone. I'm trying to move on with my life. It's going to be hard, but I know I'm going to be alright."

 

 

Now, you should know the difference between a breadcrumb and what isn't. You ignore those breadcrumbs and the ONLY thing you respond to is "I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I'll do anything to get you back." That is the ONLY thing you should entertain. If you would have said the above paragraph, that would have gotten back to your Ex. It should have shaken her up and think, "Oh Sh*t! What have I done? He has every intention of leaving." That should have helped her swallow her pride and humble herself into getting that "I'm sorry" text or call or else she's going to lose you for good. And if you don't get that text or phonecall, then she really wasn't that serious about losing you.

 

In my head before I posted this I said to myself the only thing I will respond to is what you mentioned. In my eyes NOTHING is changed until I get something like that.

 

As far as me telling her friend I miss her, my ex knows this already so it's nothing new.

 

The one thing I did right, in my opinion since day 1, besides tell her before I left her place back in October that I love her and want to be with her, was I never once pleaded her to stay or begged her to come back. Don't get me wrong in my head I did but never via text, phone call, or any conversation.

[Chi townD]

Good! It showed her that even though you're hurt by her decision, you kept your self respect and you showed her a strong man that has class. If you a blubbering pile of goo and begging, she would have lost respect for you.

 

 

Ball is in her court now. But, continue to live your life as if she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. She seems too prideful. Her loss!

[SoThatHappened]

Also, Firestarter... remember this quote from HER in your original post:

 

"Before we make this official there's something you need to know, I always screw good things up by pushing people away, but this feeling I have with you is something I haven't felt in a long time"

 

I'm 99.9% positive there's a girl out there who DOESN'T screw good things up by pushing people away.

 

Just tread lightly, and as Chi townD said, the ball is in her court. She decided to cut you out of her life. You're just giving her what she wants.

 

Don't waist your time worrying about her, continue to live your life and improve yourself as if she's never coming back.

[Firestarter1069]

Also, Firestarter... remember this quote from HER in your original post:

 

"Before we make this official there's something you need to know, I always screw good things up by pushing people away, but this feeling I have with you is something I haven't felt in a long time"

 

I'm 99.9% positive there's a girl out there who DOESN'T screw good things up by pushing people away.

 

Just tread lightly, and as Chi townD said, the ball is in her court. She decided to cut you out of her life. You're just giving her what she wants.

 

Don't waist your time worrying about her, continue to live your life and improve yourself as if she's never coming back.

 

Thanks, I'm not worried. I also told my sister, whose ear I've been bending, this changes nothing in my eyes.

 

I made it clear to her friend that I will not be contacting her AT ALL. I am all about the "ball is in her court" concept here. If this is how she really feels then she knows how to contact me.

[SoThatHappened]

The fact that she told you that she screws good things up and pushes people away, couple with the fact that she did it to you... and you're not worried?

 

It honestly sounds like she misses you and wants you... now... Are you prepared and strong enough to deal with her pushing you away again?

 

If you are, then go for it. No regrets on your end. Just wanted to bring that back to the forefront.

[Firestarter1069]

The fact that she told you that she screws good things up and pushes people away, couple with the fact that she did it to you... and you're not worried?

 

It honestly sounds like she misses you and wants you... now... Are you prepared and strong enough to deal with her pushing you away again?

 

If you are, then go for it. No regrets on your end. Just wanted to bring that back to the forefront.

 

I hear you. I'm not jumping back into anything by any means here. If things go forward from this point there will have to be some compromises on both our ends. I'm not even sure if I want to move forward at this point actually. I guess if she decides to end up talking about it I will hear her out, but I'm leaning on less then 50/50 that she even will. She is very prideful which someone mentioned early in this thread. I do know her friend at work told me we belong together and she knows it. So we'll see, until then I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing.

[chados]

hey again firestarter, you were posting on my thread if you remember..

 

trust me on this. its always worst the first time and i assume this was your first real love. not only doesnt it hurt as much but you learn so much from it that it will be easier to handle another relationship and make it work.

 

also i have to say that there really are other fishes in the sea and that right now you only see the good things. but what about her getting distant? stop caring as much about you?. i bet you could see some sort of signs before this?. she isnt more important then you.

 

someone leaving you can make you loose hope in yourself. and sometimes we just miss the feeling of not being alone more then the relationship itself. i would say most of the times this is.

 

 

the best thing you can do is to just let her go and accept the situation. improve yourself for yourself if thats something you want to do. and get out of the house and date others. dating someone doesnt mean you will end up in a relationship. but chances are you will forget faster then you think.

[Jimmyjackson]

Also, Firestarter... remember this quote from HER in your original post:

 

"Before we make this official there's something you need to know, I always screw good things up by pushing people away, but this feeling I have with you is something I haven't felt in a long time"

 

I'm 99.9% positive there's a girl out there who DOESN'T screw good things up by pushing people away.

 

Just tread lightly, and as Chi townD said, the ball is in her court. She decided to cut you out of her life. You're just giving her what she wants.

 

Don't waist your time worrying about her, continue to live your life and improve yourself as if she's never coming back.

 

My ex said something along the lines of this too. Said she had a habit of losing interest in people quite easily, said it always happened and she couldn't figure out why. She promised it wouldn't happen with me but after a 9 month relationship when she ended it...turns out it did.

[chados]

My ex said something along the lines of this too. Said she had a habit of losing interest in people quite easily, said it always happened and she couldn't figure out why. She promised it wouldn't happen with me but after a 9 month relationship when she ended it...turns out it did.

 

 

 

im just guessing now but either she has some problems to deal with from the past. she is never satisfied with anyone or most likely you described the problem yourself, she switch to other people way to fast. it can take me months sometimes to really love someone. its not that i dont care or like the person. it just takes time to build up trust to a person, and with trust comes love.

 

 

 

 

i dont know it feels like woman in general gets feelings easier then the guy, but in the end they are the ones who decide to leave too.

[Firestarter1069]

hey again firestarter, you were posting on my thread if you remember..

 

trust me on this. its always worst the first time and i assume this was your first real love. not only doesnt it hurt as much but you learn so much from it that it will be easier to handle another relationship and make it work.

 

also i have to say that there really are other fishes in the sea and that right now you only see the good things. but what about her getting distant? stop caring as much about you?. i bet you could see some sort of signs before this?. she isnt more important then you.

 

someone leaving you can make you loose hope in yourself. and sometimes we just miss the feeling of not being alone more then the relationship itself. i would say most of the times this is.

 

 

the best thing you can do is to just let her go and accept the situation. improve yourself for yourself if thats something you want to do. and get out of the house and date others. dating someone doesnt mean you will end up in a relationship. but chances are you will forget faster then you think.

 

 

I was quite happy on my own for nearly 4 years, this relationship happened out of nowhere. Just friends that became more then that. I wasn't looking nor dating in those 4 years. Sure this still stings and probably will for awhile, but currently I wish not to get involved with anyone. I'm getting up there in age and I'd rather be by myself then have to deal with anything like this again.

 

Her friend from work told me this morning that she told her she spoke with me and said the lines of communication are open. My ex told her she can't talk to me right now, she wouldn't even know where to start currently. I told her friend this is where her pride has the best of her and if I'm around IF she ever wants to talk I will listen, other then that whatever happens, happens. I will NOT be the one to reach out to her. I also said this whole situation makes me feel a little weird since this is not a teen-aged situation, to which her friend replied, "I know but I want you guys back together, like I said the other day, she was SO happy when you were together, she just really does need to get herself figured out." I said well until that happens I'd prefer to keep these meeting to a minimum, I need to get MY head cleared as well.

[Itspointless]

"I know but I want you guys back together, like I said the other day, she was SO happy when you were together, she just really does need to get herself figured out." I said well until that happens I'd prefer to keep these meeting to a minimum, I need to get MY head cleared as well.

That is the number one mistake people make: you do not figure yourself out in a couple of months. And just as in my case your ex does not seem to be very motivated to work on this within herself. Telling you about her behaviour sounds more like denying any blame: 'I warned him.' Her friends knows her, but is seeing it from a perspective of someone who wants to change your ex:'because than she will be happier'. See clearly sees you as the instrument to accomplice that. No worries there about your mental health.

[chados]

I was quite happy on my own for nearly 4 years, this relationship happened out of nowhere. Just friends that became more then that. I wasn't looking nor dating in those 4 years. Sure this still stings and probably will for awhile, but currently I wish not to get involved with anyone. I'm getting up there in age and I'd rather be by myself then have to deal with anything like this again.

 

Her friend from work told me this morning that she told her she spoke with me and said the lines of communication are open. My ex told her she can't talk to me right now, she wouldn't even know where to start currently. I told her friend this is where her pride has the best of her and if I'm around IF she ever wants to talk I will listen, other then that whatever happens, happens. I will NOT be the one to reach out to her. I also said this whole situation makes me feel a little weird since this is not a teen-aged situation, to which her friend replied, "I know but I want you guys back together, like I said the other day, she was SO happy when you were together, she just really does need to get herself figured out." I said well until that happens I'd prefer to keep these meeting to a minimum, I need to get MY head cleared as well.

 

 

 

exactly my situation. look, i do think she might reach out to you. but your mindset has to be to move on. if thats with someone else thats fine. dating others is the best way to forget about this situation.

 

i didnt feel ready at all and according to me i waited to long. i was feeling abandoned and my pride was hurt, i was also feeling very lonely. and i thought, i really love this girl. but whenever i met this other girl i realized that it really wasnt that good. dating and having a relationship is really different, cause at any time you can choose to stop.

[cmoney]

Just thought I could give some insight into the differences between Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. In a nutshell, it is the difference between "state versus trait". Personality disorders can basically be described as a person's belief system and how they function. There is some research that lends credence to the idea that there is a biological basis for some personality disorders. Bipolar disorder is a condition that causes a variety of symptoms including fluctuations in an individual 's mood.

 

With medication and treatment, an individual has a much better chance of managing bipolar disorder versus Borderline Personality Disorder. There are a few medications that can be prescribed, however, a person with a personality disorder's prognosis is much lower.

 

Take this for what it is worth and I have never assessed your ex. However, it sounds like it was not her bipolar diagnosis that caused her to make certain choices, it was the fear that her bipolar disorder was going to cause problems so she did what she always does, she ran.

 

Having a successful relationship with someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder can be challenging, however, it can be done. However, I do agree that she needs to be the one to make the first move. I'm curious as to what your response would be if she reached out to you?

[Firestarter1069]

Just thought I could give some insight into the differences between Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. In a nutshell, it is the difference between "state versus trait". Personality disorders can basically be described as a person's belief system and how they function. There is some research that lends credence to the idea that there is a biological basis for some personality disorders. Bipolar disorder is a condition that causes a variety of symptoms including fluctuations in an individual 's mood.

 

With medication and treatment, an individual has a much better chance of managing bipolar disorder versus Borderline Personality Disorder. There are a few medications that can be prescribed, however, a person with a personality disorder's prognosis is much lower.

 

Take this for what it is worth and I have never assessed your ex. However, it sounds like it was not her bipolar diagnosis that caused her to make certain choices, it was the fear that her bipolar disorder was going to cause problems so she did what she always does, she ran.

 

Having a successful relationship with someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder can be challenging, however, it can be done. However, I do agree that she needs to be the one to make the first move. I'm curious as to what your response would be if she reached out to you?

 

 

Considering we only briefly discussed her condition I would hope she would sit down and talk about it with me in more detail if she reached out to me. For instance the day she told me she couldn't live with me and despite me telling her that wasn't going to chase me away it was as if we couldn't discuss it any further. One of my responses would be to ask her to talk about it a little more. Not pressuring her of course. I guess now that I think about it a little more I'd like to get that step in the books before I'd look for anything more from her. I really would take her back if she would contact me for that sort of reason despite how hurt I was at first. I'm a very understandable person and I know she knows this. So if she decides to contact me, which I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen, things would be taken extremely slow. If that time DOES ever happen that's how I would respond.

[Firestarter1069]

I wasn't sure where to post this so I figured I'd just add it to my thread.

 

I'm pretty sure my ex is going to continue to do her thing and not contact me about what she discussed with her friend from work, at least anytime soon, which I'm fine with, but I do have a dilemma that seems to be on the horizon.

 

I found out a very good friend of mine is getting engaged on Christmas and the wedding won't be far down the road. Rumor has it I'm going to be asked to be the best man. To be honest here, in my current mental state about relationships I don't know if I could do that. With what I've gone through lately being involved with a wedding is the last thing I'd want to do.

 

I don't know how to handle a situation like this. What if I'm still bitter inside from what happened to me? I'm the last person you'd want to be a main part of a wedding. Ugh when are things going to just stop???

[PaperCrane]

I wasn't sure where to post this so I figured I'd just add it to my thread.

 

I'm pretty sure my ex is going to continue to do her thing and not contact me about what she discussed with her friend from work, at least anytime soon, which I'm fine with, but I do have a dilemma that seems to be on the horizon.

 

I found out a very good friend of mine is getting engaged on Christmas and the wedding won't be far down the road. Rumor has it I'm going to be asked to be the best man. To be honest here, in my current mental state about relationships I don't know if I could do that. With what I've gone through lately being involved with a wedding is the last thing I'd want to do.

 

I don't know how to handle a situation like this. What if I'm still bitter inside from what happened to me? I'm the last person you'd want to be a main part of a wedding. Ugh when are things going to just stop???

 

I'd say go and do it. Be there for your friend, because that is what it's all about. Who knows, maybe you are bitter, but seeing something good happen may be able to reinforce that perhaps your ex simply wasn't quite right for you and that keeping the search on can lead to great things.