Things can change so fast!!

[Kevin_D]

anyway, she left me after 4 and a half years and the break up was brutal on me. she was so cold--even proud that i was hurt. and it was like she was a totally different person as soon as she left. i was confused, hurt, upset... and to make it even worse she completely played the victim. it was all my fault. she rewrote our history in her mind in a way that absolved her of all wrongdoing (lying, cheating, etc...). it's been 6 months and i'm only now getting over it, but not without doing some serious damage to myself first.

 

Yeah, textbook example. I'm still trying to figure out whether they consciously rewrite history as a part of the gaslighting or if they actually believe that they are the victims. One thing is sure though; They understand that they hurt us - they just don't care. In fact, I've heard several people with BD confess that they actually felt proud that they were able to hurt other people so badly. It made them feel powerful, like a superhuman.

 

When they finally crash (which can take months), severe depression awaits. They feel ashamed that they did nasty things, but are often still confused about what really happened. Their memory is often distorted and it will be hard for them to figure out whether it was the disorder that caused them to want to leave you, or if they actually wanted to leave you but hadn't had the guts until the epsiode.

 

over the last 6 months i've gone over our entire relationship and it had already dawned on me how good she was at "mirroring." how strong our connection was from the very first date. and i literally felt abandoned (as if a parent had left me, even though i took care of her far more than she took care of me) when she left. maybe she really was bi-polar and, if so, what you have said above is so true in my experience.

 

Another thing that might be worth noting, is that only partners, close friends and relatives may be realise that something strange is going on - and that's one of the reasons why they push us away. They become really outgoing and talkative, so if the mania isn't severe, chances are that many people will see them as attractive/nice/funny/talented/goal-oriented. This is really frustrating, because you know that these master manipulators will mirror their new "friends" and play the victim.

 

"If you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about."

 

It hurts so badly. She gave me the lollipop. I was sceptical. She was too good to be true. And I know, that if something seems to be to good to be true, it probably is. But the years went by and I started to believe that she was for real. Even after 6 years, she still told me how deeply she loved me every single day. And as in your case, I always felt that she needed me more than I needed her. I helped her with her studies, I comforted her when she was afraid. She always came to me when she needed an advice. And then, out of the blue, she backstabbed me. She:

 

1. Destroyed everything we had built together without hesitation

2. Told me how much happier she would be without me

3. Got furious at me for asking her if she had met somebody else...

4. ...While she flirted openly with a guy I hated and wrote on her Facebook how she's in love. And went of with him of course.

5. Wrote stuff like "HA HA HA" on pictures of me, texted me random song titles, accused me of trying to call her 3 times, told me that I won't get over her faster by ignoring her. And when I blocked her, she stated that it was disrespectful. She had done everything for me and deserved my respect!

 

Actually, even though I stated that they often seem nice to people who don't know them, people who have never met her have stated that looks like she's possesed by the devil in her newer pictures.

 

I did an experiment. I wanted to see if it was possible to evoke some kind of emotions by bombarding her with all our inside jokes and fond memories at the same time, so I created this video:

 

 

Since I uploaded it, I haven't heard a word from her. Which I believe is good.

 

Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread.

[Firestarter1069]

Question and advice. First off I made it clear to my ex I wanted to remain friends since we were friends for over a year before we started dating. During the friendship before dating process she would always talk about hockey with me. I was never a huge hockey fan but I've watched it and consider myself very sports savvy so we were able to have good hockey conversation. I Told her I never saw a live hockey game and she said, "if you ever get to one I need proof".

 

Side note here, once we started dating I started watching hockey almost religiously, in fact we were planning on going to a few games this season.

 

Well low and behold I scored free tickets for a game this Saturday Night. Question here is, I was considering sending her a pic of the rink from the stands with a "Here I am, at a live hockey game" caption strictly as a friend. Since Saturday will be the 19th day of NC would this be an issue?

 

Keep in mind this will be a 100% friend to friend text. I'm looking to get nothing out of it, but it IS my proof after all.

[lemonsugar]

Question and advice. First off I made it clear to my ex I wanted to remain friends since we were friends for over a year before we started dating. During the friendship before dating process she would always talk about hockey with me. I was never a huge hockey fan but I've watched it and consider myself very sports savvy so we were able to have good hockey conversation. I Told her I never saw a live hockey game and she said, "if you ever get to one I need proof".

 

Side note here, once we started dating I started watching hockey almost religiously, in fact we were planning on going to a few games this season.

 

Well low and behold I scored free tickets for a game this Saturday Night. Question here is, I was considering sending her a pic of the rink from the stands with a "Here I am, at a live hockey game" caption strictly as a friend. Since Saturday will be the 19th day of NC would this be an issue?

 

Keep in mind this will be a 100% friend to friend text. I'm looking to get nothing out of it, but it IS my proof after all.

Leave her alone! You dont poke a sleeping lion it just brings trouble up! If you were totally fine you wouldnt think about sending a picture to her. It will just set you back!

[Firestarter1069]

Leave her alone! You dont poke a sleeping lion it just brings trouble up! If you were totally fine you wouldnt think about sending a picture to her. It will just set you back!

 

This is where NC has me confused. I mean it when I say I want to be her friend. I'm perfectly fine with that. It has nothing to do with me thinking that will get her back romantically. I've had friends who have held on for dear life to an ex as a friend only to watch them get destroyed since they were expecting the romance to come back. At what point can NC be broken for a matter of friendship?

[Itspointless]

This is where NC has me confused. I mean it when I say I want to be her friend. I'm perfectly fine with that. It has nothing to do with me thinking that will get her back romantically. I've had friends who have held on for dear life to an ex as a friend only to watch them get destroyed since they were expecting the romance to come back. At what point can NC be broken for a matter of friendship?

The moment you are no longer emotionally involved.

[Itspointless]

When they finally crash (which can take months), severe depression awaits. They feel ashamed that they did nasty things, but are often still confused about what really happened. Their memory is often distorted and it will be hard for them to figure out whether it was the disorder that caused them to want to leave you.

The first ex I talked about with bpd traits has done this. She cheated the day after she went psychotic or whatever it was. She though people were following us and went totally nuts. After turning ice cold on me and ignoring me, she started contacting me again. She literally said to me that she had no idea what really had happened and why she broke-up up with me.

Another thing that might be worth noting, is that only partners, close friends and relatives may be realise that something strange is going on - and that's one of the reasons why they push us away.

Isn't that true.

[Downtown]

...so I created this video:

Since I uploaded it, I haven't heard a word from her. Which I believe is good.

Kevin, so you're "Bad Bret"? Amazing video, music, and wonderful singing! Has numerous references (in wording and objects chosen) that completely escape me but would be very meaningful to your Ex. Is so professionally done that this must be related to the work you normally do.

[idoltree]

In my 34 years on this earth, 18 of them dating, I never came across someone with a "disorder" until I got on this site.

 

Not saying they don't exist. I honestly, 100% believe my latest ex has what the psychological community defines as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

 

I truly believe there are certain things "wrong" with many, many people. There are things people do, mainly our former significant others, that to us, defy logic.

 

However, I think that we do the same things (as "normal" human beings) to those we've dumped before. I bet those we have dumped have said, "he/she is crazy/BPD/bi-polar/narcissistic/etc."

 

I agree with you that this can happen.

 

But I think that you're failing to consider that a breakup with someone with a personality disorder is more painful than most, just because they don't make sense. So it can be that the same people left reeling from these types of breakups are more likely to post in support forums, which is why you may feel that you're perceiving more of it here than out in "real life."

[SoThatHappened]

Idoltree,

 

I completely agree.

 

I think that the initial breakup with someone who could be considered BPD/BP/Narcissistic/Sociopathic, etc. is definitely worse than your average breakup. The dumpee is literally left in shock.

 

However, after the dust settles, I think it may be harder to deal with losing someone who doesn't have problematic issues, but was actually a catch.

 

I initially went into a downward spiral after losing someone who I believe had BPD. However, after looking back on it, I'm glad (yes, glad) I didn't end up with her. If she would have been amazing but didn't want to be with me, I'd feel more rejected.

 

Instead, I feel like I dodged a bullet, even though the initial shock was physically, emotionally, and mentally the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

So yes, losing someone that's, at a minimum, illogical, is hard. OP I know what you're going through. I also believe that it's people like the OP's ex who send people to sites like this one. Not many other places to turn to when you breakup with someone like that, so of course it's more prevalent on forums like this.

 

If it was a "normal" breakup, I and the OP probably wouldn't be here.

[Sugarkane]

If she really is bipolar she should be on medication to level her emotions.

[Firestarter1069]

Idoltree,

 

I completely agree.

 

I think that the initial breakup with someone who could be considered BPD/BP/Narcissistic/Sociopathic, etc. is definitely worse than your average breakup. The dumpee is literally left in shock.

 

However, after the dust settles, I think it may be harder to deal with losing someone who doesn't have problematic issues, but was actually a catch.

 

I initially went into a downward spiral after losing someone who I believe had BPD. However, after looking back on it, I'm glad (yes, glad) I didn't end up with her. If she would have been amazing but didn't want to be with me, I'd feel more rejected.

 

 

 

Instead, I feel like I dodged a bullet, even though the initial shock was physically, emotionally, and mentally the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

 

So yes, losing someone that's, at a minimum, illogical, is hard. OP I know what you're going through. I also believe that it's people like the OP's ex who send people to sites like this one. Not many other places to turn to when you breakup with someone like that, so of course it's more prevalent on forums like this.

 

If it was a "normal" breakup, I and the OP probably wouldn't be here.

 

 

You are right, I wouldn't be here. The range of emotions I went through led me here.

 

I was never so confused in my life when she first sprung this on me considering we were 3 weeks away from moving in together. Then I went through a bout of depression, followed by anger(not directed at her), then disappointment and now I'm a little sad.

 

All in all I chalk this up as a lesson learned....

 

When something feels perfect, in fact too perfect, it's nothing but lies and false hope.

[johnson_j]

Overdiagnosis is definitely a problem nowadays - but what led me here is the same as many others. Having suffered a few breakups with normal people who we both respected each other just chose to move on for various reasons and we were both back on our feet quickly. Dating a BPD, or "abnormal" person is a whole different ballgame, because the parameters keep changing and it's difficult for a normal person, who wants to understand the situation, to get proper closure. In a summary, it's trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.

I never quite understood what happened between my ex and I, why she would do what she did, and I needed to so I could have closure for myself. Knowing I wouldn't get answers from her led me here. Someone posted a link to a "pathological love" summary and that was it - couldn't have been more clearer or more describing of my situation - and then I got my closure.

 

 

Firestarter - don't go around poking this sleeping dog. let her lie. You're doing good for yourself so just move forward. Don't look back. Don't perform a diagnosis on someone who doesn't want to be diagnosed. Just move on in your life.

[Itspointless]

Firestarter1069, as you have not reacted to my first post I just want to say that I hope you will search for a therapist. Knowing how are exes were off is ony half of the story. It actually is the other half that can make a difference to our lives, meaning learning why we are attracted to these woman and working on ourselves with some guidance.

[Firestarter1069]

Firestarter1069, as you have not reacted to my first post I just want to say that I hope you will search for a therapist. Knowing how are exes were off is ony half of the story. It actually is the other half that can make a difference to our lives, meaning learning why we are attracted to these woman and working on ourselves with some guidance.

 

When I first met her I had no idea she was bipolar, it wasn't until after we "made it official" that I learned of this. That was when she said "I've pushed people away in the past". Unfortunately it was too late for me to actually hear this. I spoke with a therapist on Saturday just to clear my head. I can't say it really helped that much. A lot of people keep telling me to try to only think of her bad traits to get her out of my head, but that's very difficult. The only bad thing I can think of is the day she told me she needed to get herself right. I guess that's what makes this so difficult. I find myself trying to hate her...I just can't.

 

I never saw any signs of her BPD...ever. She was always so down to earth. I did a lot of reading on the subject over the past month, month and a half, even joined online support groups dealing with relationships and BPD. All I got from that was how people were treated like crap from their partner because of it. Yelling, fits of rage, and just downright cruel behavior. I never experienced any of that from her, not even once. If it wasn't for the fact that she told me and me seeing her take meds for this one would have never thought she has this condition. Again I'm not blaming this 100% on BPD but I know it was a contributing factor.

[SoThatHappened]

If you can't think of bad things, maybe it's because you're being too general in trying to come up with some.

 

I made a list of absolutely everything wrong/bad/ugly, whatever of my ex right after we broke up.

 

If she has a lazy eye, list that. List everything. Examples from my list include:

 

- Stretch marks at 23 years-old

- Messy

- Her electric toothbrush was loud

- Ugly tattoos

- Bad at oral

etc.

 

I was able to list probably 50 things by the time I was done. Use anything and everything. Obviously these are petty and not deal-breakers if you're dating them, but after they break your heart it helps to find any single little fault they had. Helped me anyway.

[Itspointless]

I spoke with a therapist on Saturday just to clear my head. I can't say it really helped that much.

Unfortunately therapy often is not a medication of wonder that makes you instantly feel better. It is good though that you are trying it. I hope it turns out to be a good therapist for you. A good therapist can help us to learn to see patterns in our conduct we previously were unaware of. Patterns that sometimes can lead us to people that are not the healthiest for us.

When I first met her I had no idea she was bipolar, it wasn't until after we "made it official" that I learned of this. That was when she said "I've pushed people away in the past". Unfortunately it was too late for me to actually hear this. […] A lot of people keep telling me to try to only think of her bad traits to get her out of my head, but that's very difficult. The only bad thing I can think of is the day she told me she needed to get herself right. I guess that's what makes this so difficult. I find myself trying to hate her...I just can't.

 

I never saw any signs of her BPD...ever. She was always so down to earth. I did a lot of reading on the subject over the past month, month and a half, even joined online support groups dealing with relationships and BPD. All I got from that was how people were treated like crap from their partner because of it. Yelling, fits of rage, and just downright cruel behavior. I never experienced any of that from her, not even once. If it wasn't for the fact that she told me and me seeing her take meds for this one would have never thought she has this condition. Again I'm not blaming this 100% on BPD but I know it was a contributing factor.

I understand you. Sometimes we do not see it because they are able to hide it, we then see only subtle signs that could easily be others things. Other times traits are only visible when they feel stressed. And yes for me it also was also too hard to remember only the bad traits. I think it is wiser to try to see that she has more sides to her than you thought was true. She is that nice woman, but also one who suddenly pushes you away when she gets it on her nerves. And even though she warned you, you probably took it with a grain of salt. I can’t blame you as I dare to bet that her behavior was so far from it that you never imagined it to be possible. It also happened to me last year, she turned out to be dismissive-avoidant (not a pd, I do not think she had a pd, but I am not sure). In hindsight I see now what should have been red flags to me, but I didn’t as they could also be explained in other ways.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Itspointless

[Firestarter1069]

OK, a weird situation came up yesterday while I was food shopping. I ran into her best friend, of over 12 years, I will call her "Sue", that I had only met once during our relationship. A little background on meeting her friend.

 

I met her friend September 13th. The time I met her we went to her house to help her with some home improvement work. After about 2 hours my ex ran to the local hardware store to grab supplies and her friend said to me, "I don't know what you've done to her, but you are exactly what she needs. All she does is talk about you. In fact her introducing you to me as her boyfriend shocked me. You are the longest relationship she's had in over 4 years. I've never seen her happier".

 

On to yesterday. I didn't bring anything up about the relationship but her friend brought it up. We only briefly discussed the whole situation. After that she said to me I hope you know it's not your fault, which I acknowledged. Then Sue said to me that my ex REALLY does need to be alone right now and needs to find herself. Sue also told me that my ex told her that she misses me and loves me and she's worried that this time apart will end up being a huge mistake. I asked Sue if my ex left me because she was interested in someone else, to which Sue said NOT A CHANCE!!! She said I think things moved extremely fast for the both of you and it probably shocked her and once the whole moving in process was nearing she felt like she had to step back. Sue also told me to please understand my ex is not a bad person and if you are willing to, give her time, I believe she will come around. The conversation ended with Sue asking me not to bring up our conversation, ever. I told her I never would, I'm beyond the gossip age.

 

Any thoughts on this? This is not a situation of Sue trying to force things to happen. All parties involved are 40 years of age or older, so it's not a high school game type thing.

 

Things to be noted here.

 

-People think I'm waiting around on my ex, my sister is my biggest critic on this. I can assure you I'm not waiting, in fact I was alone for a long time and I was extremely content with that so maybe it seems like I am waiting.

 

-I did make it clear, that even though people tell me BPD will only get worse over time, that I am willing to deal with that.

 

-I am keeping NC even after this meeting with Sue

[Itspointless]

Any thoughts on this? This is not a situation of Sue trying to force things to happen. All parties involved are 40 years of age or older, so it's not a high school game type thing.

 

Things to be noted here.

 

-People think I'm waiting around on my ex, my sister is my biggest critic on this. I can assure you I'm not waiting, in fact I was alone for a long time and I was extremely content with that so maybe it seems like I am waiting.

 

-I did make it clear, that even though people tell me BPD will only get worse over time, that I am willing to deal with that.

 

-I am keeping NC even after this meeting with Sue

It seems that if you are willing to put your life on hold, than there 'might' be a chance that you two can come together again. On the other hand, there is no guarantee and you are not in the power to take any control in this. Added too that. If you agree with this at can always happen again and you will never now for sure if she will come back the next time.

 

I had a bit of the same last year. I couldn't deal with her throwing two senteces a month towards me after some really vague premisses when she pushed me away. I can tell you though that it is really strange when someone breaks-up with you telling you that you are important to them but now I can't. Maybe ... but I do not want to think about the future right now, because I am so stressed.

 

I can tell you what my therapist told me: 'you are not considering it are you, you deserve so much better than this?'

[Chi townD]

The conversation ended with Sue asking me not to bring up our conversation, ever. I told her I never would, I'm beyond the gossip age.

 

Any thoughts on this? This is not a situation of Sue trying to force things to happen. All parties involved are 40 years of age or older, so it's not a high school game type thing.

 

 

 

Dude, stay NC. The fact that "Sue" doesn't want you to bring up that fact that you two have spoken leaves me wondering if she was telling the truth at all. Or, that if your Ex found out that you two have spoken might ruin the friendship between your Ex and Sue.

 

 

Something doesn't sit right with me as far as her logic of not bring up the fact that you two have spoken. Something fishy about that.

[Firestarter1069]

Dude, stay NC. The fact that "Sue" doesn't want you to bring up that fact that you two have spoken leaves me wondering if she was telling the truth at all. Or, that if your Ex found out that you two have spoken might ruin the friendship between your Ex and Sue.

 

 

Something doesn't sit right with me as far as her logic of not bring up the fact that you two have spoken. Something fishy about that.

 

I can see how that could be a concern. But at the same time what does "Sue" have to gain out of all this? I could see if I approached Sue begging and pleading to find out all this stuff which would make her feel like she should lie, but she came to me about it. And yes I am definitely staying NC and it hasn't changed the way I feel about the situation.

 

If there is one thing I don't want to do is to ruin a friendship between them two. I am going to believe Sue on this one. In all honesty if I were the one talking to a friend's ex I wouldn't want my friend to know, especially if I've had very little interaction with their ex.

[Chi townD]

I can see how that could be a concern. But at the same time what does "Sue" have to gain out of all this?

 

 

To give you an ego boost from this awkward chance meeting. She knows you're probably hurt especially after what she told you while you were dating your Ex.

 

 

I mean, what was she going to say, "Sorry things didn't work out. But, your Ex is doing fantastic and hasn't really thought about you at all. So, I guess it wasn't meant to be."

[Firestarter1069]

To give you an ego boost from this awkward chance meeting. She knows you're probably hurt especially after what she told you while you were dating your Ex.

 

 

I mean, what was she going to say, "Sorry things didn't work out. But, your Ex is doing fantastic and hasn't really thought about you at all. So, I guess it wasn't meant to be."

 

She could have said nothing at all I guess. Oh well like I said I'm sticking to NC and not changing my outlook on the situation. Only time will tell if something good or bad happens, until then I'm just looking out for me. The initial hurt, disappointment, anger, depression, and sadness has already happened.

[Itspointless]

She could have said nothing at all I guess. Oh well like I said I'm sticking to NC and not changing my outlook on the situation.

That is the wisest thing to do.

[Downtown]

When I first met her I had no idea she was bipolar.... I never saw any signs of her BPD...ever.

Firestarter, "BPD" refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, as STH explained in post #16 above. That is how this acronym is used on this forum and is generally used by the psychiatric community. You seem to be using "BPD" to refer to bipolar disorder. The acronym for that is "BP." I mention this distinction because you and several respondents seem to be speaking about two different disorders.

[Firestarter1069]

Firestarter, "BPD" refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, as STH explained in post #16 above. That is how this acronym is used on this forum and is generally used by the psychiatric community. You seem to be using "BPD" to refer to bipolar disorder. The acronym for that is "BP." I mention this distinction because you and several respondents seem to be speaking about two different disorders.

 

I apologize. I'm trying to say BP for sure. Thanks. I noticed on other forums strictly based on bipolar they seem to use them both.