leah1017 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together now for 5 months and I can definitely say that he is by far the most amazing man that I have ever been with. He cares about me so much and shows it in every way. He will surprise me at work and school, buy groceries for me (since I am a very tough financial situation being in college) and will do just about anything to see me happy. We are very close, and each others best friend. The one downfall in our relationship though is that we differ on the importance the gym and dieting plays a role in our life. I am a thin girl, I always have been and I've never dealt with putting on weight, it's just not in my genes. I also have been eating very healthy for the past year. I do not eat processed foods, or a lot of sugar, only whole food, brown wheat, that type of stuff. Although I do enjoy the occasional burger or chocolate bar. - Basically I have what is considered a NORMAL and healthy diet. Anything in moderation. Now the difference here is that his whole life and existence is basically about the gym and about constantly wanting to get ripped and lose weight and look fantastic. Which is GREAT for him. I love that he is passionate about something and has a positive influence on me but he does have a controlling streak and is constantly on me about going to the gym and trying to lose weight and be a "fitness couple". I work part time and go to school full time. Monday through thursday I'm in school all day, and I work on the weekends and when I'm not doing those things I'm doing homework or hanging out with him. The few times I do have completely free time I am EXHAUSTED and going to the gym and trying to get fit is not on my radar at the moment. Not to mention I don't exactly have a problem with how my body looks right now. He, on the other hand, works more than I do but still only works part time and is not taking any classes right now. He usually takes one or two classes a semester at a community college. I have explained to him several times that if he lived a day in my life his interest in the gym would wane a little bit too but he is persistent about the fact that no matter how tired or busy he is, it will always be a priority to him and that there are no excuses as to why anyone should not go to the gym. The thing is, I just don't have the mindset for it right now, although during the summer and spring season I'm all about going to the gym every single day and being a strict meal plan. That's just not where my head is at right now and we fight about it constantly. He does not believe that I am fitness minded, he thinks I am lazy and have the "mind of a fat person" as he calls it because I want cheese on my sandwich or want a chocolate bar during my period or simply because I even like the taste of "less healthy" food in the first place. He doesn't even enjoy the taste of anything that isn't 100 percent healthy or made for weight loss (lucky him). He is always policing me every time we eat together, always making comments or telling me how to eat, choosing what I eat and constantly saying things like "if you did squats your butt would be perfect" or just making little comments about how I could "improve". That is all he says about my body, is how I could be a super model if I just toned up and how I need to improve myself. One time we were at dinner and I grabbed a piece of sour dough bread and he ripped it from my hands and through it across the room...basically if I don't follow his "rules" on what I can and can't, **** hits the fan. I went along with it for the first few months we dated but for the last two months it's gotten into heated battles and almost something that has ended our relationship because he sees it as such a difference between him and I. There have been a few times where he has realized his mistakes and felt horrible about the way he acts and apologized and promised that he would let me eat what I want and make my own choices and meet in the middle. That quickly goes dow the drain though as soon as I actually want to eat something that he does not approve of. Basically he wants a girl who is either just as obsessed with losing weight and being at the gym as he is OR someone that he is able to control and change into that kind of person. I hate being controlled and hate someone telling me what to do so it only pushes me away and un-motivates me, if anything. I have always considered myself a "fitness" person because I am very into the gym most of the time but it's almost like this argument we have has made me less interested in it. Its created massive insecurities in me, major resentment between both him and I and now I'm hyper sensitive to any time he brings up anything about food or working out....like him saying "easy on the salt" or "only one of those" or just saying "that's enough of that" if I'm eating any form of carbs after 6pm. I just want to know what to do because I see this man as someone I could definitely be with long term, and we work together perfectly in all the ways a person could dream of. It would be sad if a relationship like this ended over him not being able to deal with not having control over my body.....lol. It's just ridiculous. Please help.
Divasu Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 He is obsessive with fitness, and you're not. There is no way you're going to magically become that way overnight. And yes, you should be able to eat what you want, in moderation. You can also go to the gym with him sometimes if it makes him happy. But, it shouldn't be required of you,all the time. Just the same, if you're a woman obsessed with going to Sephora everyday to try out the latest makeup samples, you shouldn't expect him to want nor be happy to go with you sampling makeup all the time. Neither you or he should be controlling of the other. You're going to have to find some common ground. 6
acapelo_dp Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Honestly, he sounds like a jerk. Ripping bread out your hands and throwing it across the room??? I would have left. I don't know how you are putting up with that, it's insulting and uncaring. Basically you need to tell him to stop pushing it and set boundaries, it is your body and you decision and he should NOT be pushing this on you. Especially since you have a healthy, balanced diet you said and aren't overweight. I'd be telling him to stop it or to get lost. 9
Standard-Fare Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 How can you say he's "by far the most amazing man you've ever been with" given this behavior? He's controlling and belittling, nearly to the point of abuse. His mindset about fitness sounds REALLY over the top, but assuming he's going to stick with that, he needs to be dating someone who's on the same page. Essentially, he needs to be dating a trainer/fitness instructor or athlete of some sort. Because any other sort of woman just isn't going to cut it for him. And it really isn't FAIR for him to be dating those women who will never meet his standards. Which includes you! I'm sorry to say that you two simply don't sound like a match. These problems and fights will only escalate. You should step out now before you get more emotionally involved with someone who will never be satisfied with you the way that you are. 5
melodymatters Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Holy Shyte, I got nauseous reading your post ! Honey: he has an eating disorder, he is NOT normal and the way he polices you is borderline abusive ! Even if he were a professional body builder who made his living doing this, forcing his partner to abide by his lifestyle would be an unhealthy dynamic. Do you think Hugh Jackman who makes millions playing Wolverine forces his wife to eat nothing but protein and dehydrate herself for 36 hrs before a shoot ? You sound like a fit, healthy normal woman with a diet that is healthier than probably 95 % of the population and if this azz maggot makes you feel bad about eating a roll or a chocolate bar he is mentally ill. AND controlling. AND has his priorities way out of whack. I also eat extremely "clean" and weigh 95lbs. I am fit and look great, but like everyone else there is always room for improvement here or there IF I was trying to be a fitness model WHICH I'M AM NOT, and if my H or BF started carping on me to be 100% perfect I would tell him to take a flying leap ! You are being brainwashed by a superficial control freak and I really hope you concentrate on your studies and your life and your personality and take your most likely perfect body elsewhere to a man who will appreciate it. And you ! "Almost perfect ass" be damned ! 10
todreaminblue Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I had an ex who was a body builder he was more motivational than forceful and i quickly picked up the fitness bug.....we still talk about fitness to date even though we arent together..he loves talking about it...his urging was inspiring....he never made me feel less......or put me down when i veered off the path...he would coax me back on it......he would whisper in my ear when he saw me dancing.....or kickboxing both done to music...lol....theres my groover ....mmm......gave me goosebumps...always made me laugh i think you should feel motivated rather than pushed.......to join in and maybe you wouldnt feel so bleh about it...... he needs to be a bit more understanding....i feel you should talk to him and tell him how you feel and what he is doing that makes you feel not so good about him and fitness..as divasu said find a common ground to start on.......deb
Thegreatestthing Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Your bf is a meathead and an idiot,you musnt think very highly of yourself if you'll put up with this sh-t. Eat whatever you want,go live your life,let him be a meathead,personally I think people with a lot of muscles etc look like they're mutated or something :laugh: 1
newmoon Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 this is not the makings of a long-term relationship, despite your thinking that it is. his behavior is controlling, and i bet even if you were a gym bunny with uber fitness goals and daily workouts, etc. he'd be the same about it, or find something else to control. it's not really about the fitness when you get right down to it, it's more about control over your time, your habits, etc. even if he finds another woman as interested in fitness as him, he'd still be controlling. it's a behavior not limited to a few items and the longer you stay the more it'll come out in other areas. 4
Augustus64 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 hahahaha "The mind of a fat person" this made me laugh- He's a douche, controlling like those above said. Oh and its not gonna stop, unless you submit, but then you'd have to submit to whatever else he's trying to control next. Put your foot down; thats the advice id give my little sister and if he still insists w douchery behavior cut him loose you're young and beautiful be just fine 1
Divasu Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 "The mind of a fat person" I secretly lol'd too. I kind of hope OP was/is exaggerating in her thread. Throwing bread, ha ha. If me, he would find himself tied up the next morning covered in lipstick. Alive of course. 1
Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Dating is to figure out if you're a match...looks like you two aren't a match. I could enter into a lecture on how fitness is good for people, but I give up.
nofeelings22 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Misguided as his behavior is, let me tell you what he's thinkng. "I love myself and my body so I treat it as a temple " ....and judging by his other caring actions..... "I love my girlfriend and want to make sure she treats her body as a temple... i can teach her." By the non food/fitness part of his behavior you describe, he really cares for you. Where he is going astray is projecting his idea of caring (how he cares foir himself through diet and exercise) onto you. You'll have to really drive home the point that what he is doing is not good for your MENTAL health and really makes you feel bad, 2
eye of the storm Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Im sorry but this is not going to get better. I often mention communication and common goals. I guess I should also mention respect for each other. He has none of these. He doesn't communicate he orders, his goal he wants to be your goal and will not accept anything other, and he does not respect you as a person. Look at how you are living, if you like it fine accept it because by accepting it you are telling him his behavior if ok with you. (it doesn't matter if you tell him with words it isn't, by accepting it, your actions tell him it is) Know that it will not get better, it will only get worse. He will start controlling your clothes and your friends and every action you take. And by then you will be so beaten down you will take it. You won't like it, you will tell him to stop. But you will continue to accept it and the downward spiral will continue. Look at it from the outside, 5 months he already thinks its ok to call you fat and lazy. What is he going to be doing to you in a year? Instead of throwing food you are trying to eat maybe he will just smash it in your face. You claim he is amazing. Yes he is, when you are not deviating from his wants. The second you do....see how ugly and stressful it gets. It is a training aid, makes you avoid behaviors that get him upset. The problem is you will never get to the point where he no longer unloads on you. And you will be living a life filled with anxiety. This has bad ending all over it. Talk to the counselors at your school about an exit strategy with this guy and have a safety plan. 7
Tayken Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 All, When does concerns for a loved one / partner, turn into "controlling"? I ask because a lot of women can't seem to distinguish, and are quick to pull the controlling card....something that is very common during divorce proceedings. This couple with "emotional abuse", but these women fail to see that they inadvertently do exactly the same thing. 1
melodymatters Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 All, When does concerns for a loved one / partner, turn into "controlling"? I ask because a lot of women can't seem to distinguish, and are quick to pull the controlling card....something that is very common during divorce proceedings. This couple with "emotional abuse", but these women fail to see that they inadvertently do exactly the same thing. Could you please point out the healthy " concern" the gentleman in THIS post is displaying ? She goes to school full time and works part time, he takes one class at best, also works part time and apparently thinks pizza is the devil I don't see where the OP needs to change anything or has a "problem' that would concern any sane person. I believe you may be bringing your issues about woman and "control" into a situation that is far more clear cut. 7
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Dating is to figure out if you're a match...looks like you two aren't a match. I could enter into a lecture on how fitness is good for people, but I give up. There'd be little need for a lecture anyway. If you think the issue here is simply OPs lack of understanding of the benefits of exercise it would seem her boyfriend's glaring issues have gone way over your head. When does concerns for a loved one / partner, turn into "controlling"? I ask because a lot of women can't seem to distinguish, and are quick to pull the controlling card.... When you start snatching things out of their hand and throwing it across the room.... 11
ufo8mycat Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 All, When does concerns for a loved one / partner, turn into "controlling"?. Which is the concerned bit? the OP has said she eats well and enjoys the gym but that it isn't her highest priority. Her boyfriend's approach to food and exercise is disordered and he is imposing his disordered thinking on her. Many people have controlling approaches to food but mostly they are inward rather than outward. There is nothing in the OP's post that indicates there is a need to be concerned and forbidding carbs after 6pm or snatching food out of her hand IS controlling. 6
Divasu Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Well see, OP's boyfriend is guilty of the exact thing he wants his girlfriend not to do (ie> not be obsessed with eating pizza). Exercise and diet taken to the extreme is in itself a form of control and one could argue, not necessarily healthy when it crosses into an "obsessive" nature. Being Fit Without Letting Food and Exercise Control You 2
Els Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I just want to know what to do because I see this man as someone I could definitely be with long term, and we work together perfectly in all the ways a person could dream of. It would be sad if a relationship like this ended over him not being able to deal with not having control over my body.....lol. It's just ridiculous. Please help. Why would it be sad? This is a BIG thing. It would be sad if your R ended over you leaving him if he got a lower paycheck, or if he gained 10 lbs, or if he got a bad case of acne. It would be A REALLY GOOD IDEA for you to end this R over his controlling, douchebag antics. Acceptable things that a partner can do to encourage their loved one to lead a healthier lifestyle would be to cook for her, or invite her to play sports or take martial arts classes or hike with him, or set fitness goals together and maybe join competitions or organized runs together. On the other hand, your bf's actions are completely unacceptable. Edited November 18, 2014 by Elswyth 7
anika99 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Misguided as his behavior is, let me tell you what he's thinkng. "I love myself and my body so I treat it as a temple " ....and judging by his other caring actions..... "I love my girlfriend and want to make sure she treats her body as a temple... i can teach her." By the non food/fitness part of his behavior you describe, he really cares for you. Where he is going astray is projecting his idea of caring (how he cares foir himself through diet and exercise) onto you. You'll have to really drive home the point that what he is doing is not good for your MENTAL health and really makes you feel bad, Totally and utterly disagree. This is not about fitness at all. This is about a man who is being controlling and domineering. The OP says this is causing her to have massive insecurity. Well love doesn't feel that way but abuse certainly does. Grabbing food out of her hand and throwing it across the room is way over the line. This guy is trouble. If the OP stays with him she will soon find him trying to control a lot more then her diet. 8
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Break up with him. This controlling behaviour will only get worse as time goes on. It doesn't matter how much you love him or how well he's treated you before in the past, all that doesn't count anymore since he's being a bully and abusive/controlling now. He has issues. Run. 2
Andy_K Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 He's nuts. I totally understand his desire to want to be in great shape and eat healthily. I'm a little obsessive about that myself. But that does NOT make it in any way acceptable to act the way he is acting. He is being controlling and abusive, and it sounds more like he wants a gf as a 'pet' than a partner. I think you should leave him. 3
Emilia Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I've dealt with something similar once and nipped it in the bud very early on. I kept getting texts about what I was having for dinner, given advice on various aspects of my life, on how I should do things, etc. I found it astonishing and insulting, especially considering he saw himself as such a nice guy who was 'good at giving advice' I told him how ironic it was that he was supposed to be the nicer one out of the two of us yet it was me that strove to accept others. He didn't get that I'm sure there are better guys around OP 2
Andy_K Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I told him how ironic it was that he was supposed to be the nicer one out of the two of us yet it was me that strove to accept others. He didn't get that Yep. A wise man once told me that if people come looking for help, you should give them whatever advice and assistance you can, but if they don't, then you need to accept that they're following their own path and let them be. Although now I come to think of it, I don't remember asking his opinion on the matter 2
Emilia Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Although now I come to think of it, I don't remember asking his opinion on the matter Haha! Not everyone asks directly, I've learned that some - especially men - repeat a couple of things until I notice and offer my views. However, I'm sure it's easy to tell that from actually bugging someone.
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