rester Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 After rereading your OP, it's not very clear if you've ever discussed his drinking with him or not. Have you? If not, it's not unreasonable at all to ask him if he typically drinks two bottles of wine in a night like he did last night. At the very least I think you need to bring it to his attention that this concerns you.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 But am I wrong to conclude that he DID help himself several times to that bottle WITHOUT asking you? He only asked you that one initial time, right? And I imagine you assumed it would be a one-time thing with a couple of pills. Now fast-forward, there's dozens of pills missing from that jar and possibly some from other jars. I'm not trying to plant this overly suspicious seed in your head, just encouraging you to keep an eye out and be careful here. That is correct. And I just dug out the receipt to confirm that I did pay for 60 pills.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 After rereading your OP, it's not very clear if you've ever discussed his drinking with him or not. Have you? If not, it's not unreasonable at all to ask him if he typically drinks two bottles of wine in a night like he did last night. At the very least I think you need to bring it to his attention that this concerns you. I've never asked him. I hadn't even seen him drink until the last week and a half. Last week we shared a bottle of moscato. Friday, we were celebrating the job so I drink a tiny glass of champagne and he drank the rest. Last night he showed up with a bottle that he drank himself and then drank another bottle in the middle of the night. Up until last night, I never would've known he had an issue other than the few odd comments.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 He will say "no" or just "one".. Unless you have codependent issues you can't deal with you need to cut this guy loose.. he is going to suck the life out of you and quickly... That's interesting that you say that, because last night I was thinking "sheesh, this guy is kind of miserable." I was exhausted just watching him. And I definitely don't sleep well when he's here. Any time he goes down stairs for a "snack" "drink of water" etc, it actually makes me nervous. After the first klonopin incident, when he started going downstairs I just knew that was a possibility. I should've counted earlier. 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Yeah I think it's definitely time for a talk. I've been in this position before with guys and you need to be prepared for all types of denials/excuses. For ex. if you do confront him about the pill issue chances are he will lie to your face about that repeatedly. It's not easy to admit to someone: "Yes, I stole a lot of pills from you." I think you need to make it clear that you're not trying to tell him how to live, or judge him, or force him into rehab, or anything like that. Just keep reiterating that you've seen a glimpse of his lifestyle, and it doesn't match what you're looking for. It's up to you whether you want to show him the door or try to work with him on this. It's easy for us on this board to say "Get the hell outta there" without knowing much more about this guy/your relationship. It just seems to me that this is a lot to deal with only two months in. His problems are no joke. 2
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I think I'm going to make myself pretty unavailable this week, until I can decide how I want to approach him and what I want to say. I don't know how long that will last though I know this is going to bug me all week. I just don't know where to start exactly. 1
Yookie Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Thank you for the insight. Last night, he asked if he could stay over a few nights a week, because the commute to this new job is really long. I thought that was pretty bold to ask 2 months in. I've felt kind of on guard for the last week or so...and the 2 bottles of wine incident last night really helped me gain some clarity that something was off... Yep! Way to soon to be asking to "stay over a few nights a week". This might be him trying to move in. Maybe he has overstayed his welcome at grandma house. I need to wait longer than 2-3 months to tell my family and friends I'm dating someone. Something weird always happens right after I clue them in. True! At the very least it takes 90 days to get the real picture of someone and there are some who can hide their true colors longer than that. You want to allow enough time to see them in a variety of settings and especially see how they react in stressful situations. It's difficult to hide certain tendencies when under pressure. 1
Yookie Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think I'm going to make myself pretty unavailable this week, until I can decide how I want to approach him and what I want to say. I don't know how long that will last though I know this is going to bug me all week. I just don't know where to start exactly. I know someone above told you to do it in person but I would advise against this. You really don't know this guy well enough to judge how he will take your rejection of him. He's banking on you being his ticket out of Grandma's house so you might get him upset. Plus, if you do it over the phone you can end the conversation quickly if he starts talking crazy. 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I know someone above told you to do it in person but I would advise against this. You really don't know this guy well enough to judge how he will take your rejection of him. He's banking on you being his ticket out of Grandma's house so you might get him upset. Plus, if you do it over the phone you can end the conversation quickly if he starts talking crazy. That's true. OP, if you do decide to make a break here (which everyone here is obviously nudging you toward), you could be trapping yourself into a very long, circular conversation if you do it in person. But whatever way you handle the breakup talk, it's important to keep him from digressing and taking you on tangents. Just keep sticking with: "I've seen what I need to see. What works for you doesn't work for me. Nothing you can say or do at this point could change this." What's easier about the phone is you make an excuse to end it (i.e. "My friend's here now and I'm leaving") or even hang up on him if you need to. 2
Art_Critic Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I should've counted earlier. Try not to think this way.. an enabler counts the drinks and counts the promises broken, you are NOT an enabler and haven't been so far. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are making the right choice in putting space between him and you while you figure it out and how to deal with it.. Good Luck.. and post on LS any time you need an ear.. we are here to help.. 2
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Try not to think this way.. an enabler counts the drinks and counts the promises broken, you are NOT an enabler and haven't been so far. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are making the right choice in putting space between him and you while you figure it out and how to deal with it.. Good Luck.. and post on LS any time you need an ear.. we are here to help.. Thank you! I feel like I could write about 10 different threads right now. I made it a point to avoid the player type and chose someone nice and nerdy and here we are. I think he would be a very good partner for someone if it weren't for these substance abuse issues. 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I think he would be a very good partner for someone if it weren't for these substance abuse issues. Here some unavoidable facts that make him less than a catch, though (for you or anybody): 1) He's an adult who lives with his grandmother. 2) He's been unemployed for a long time. 3) He has major problems with substance abuse and addiction that he's not addressing. That doesn't mean he's a bad person, it doesn't mean he's unworthy of love... but it does mean he needs to work on getting his act together before he can be a good partner to anybody else. He can't just miraculously solve all his problems by latching onto the right woman. 1
GemmaUK Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I had to look up the drugs as I had no idea what they were. This is really shocking! I'll mention the drinking first.. I like a glass (or even a few) of wine but I can't drink a whole bottle and two would likely half kill me! I very much doubt anyone drinking that amount is a one off in any way. That would take a lot of practice to drink that volume of wine. All that volume of drink plus sedatives on top is not a case of stressed about' anything..again, that is hard practice that got him to that level. He is definitely seeing you as a willing and easy get out of Grandma's house. Those few days a week will turn into every day of the week before you know it if you ever let that happen. Do you have to have this conversation face to face? NOPE!!! I would text him and tell him it's over. I would not explain anything at all. Just tell him it's over and you don't want to see him again nor hear from him. Any reasons that you give will give him enough ammunition to find an excuse or to talk you around. Some folk say that texting is disrespectful and cowardly. I'm afraid my view is that there are times when you absolutely have to look after number one and stuff what anyone thinks. I ended a 7 month controlling and emotionally abusive relationship by text and I did it that way because I had tried before to end it face to face and in a phone call and he always talked me around. I didn't want that to happen and he got the message and it worked. I still had him on my case for 5 months in various ways but the main thing was that I wasn't with him and didn't have to see him. Has this guy ever had access to your house keys? Do you have spare keys anywhere at home? Are they still there? If he has had any access to your keys - eg has ever popped out for something and had a chance to get any second set of keys cut then I would advise getting your locks changed. If a neighbour holds a spare set of keys for you then make sure they are aware they must not give them to him. I realise the last part sounds drastic but with him being a drinker to such a degree you don't know quite how badly he may react to you ending things and you need to think about your safety. I would also advise telling people about this, friends and family. Please do come back and post anytime - we're all here to help and give support. x 1
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 My head is spinning. I can't even believe this is happening. I swear, I SUCK at finding good guys.
GemmaUK Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Hey, ((hugs)), you got caught out with a bad one. You're doing something about it now, you had no evidence before now. Don't feel like this is all your fault. Men like this know how to manipulate people. The best you can do is act upon what you now know, het it over with asap and then get learning about avoiding these types of men - I did just that myself. I got a book called How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before Getting Involved. It's by Sandra L. Brown and it is has stories, case studies but the best part Is checklists of traits for toxic men. It also helps teach you to listen to and trust your instinct as soon as it kicks in even if whatever set an alarm bell off is a tiny little thing. Think positive, it's better now than what you might be posting 10 years from now if you two were still together. You'll be alright. x
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