SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 So, I've been dating a guy for 2 months and there are a few red flags. My main concern is that he might be an alcoholic. He lives with his grandma. He said its because she got sick and needed help, but after getting to know him more, I think HE needed the help. He has made a comment before about how he hides his empty wine bottles under the sink so he doesn't have to hear her complain, her supposed reason being his grandpa and great grandpa were alcoholics. He's been looking for a job, and I'm guessing it's been a year or so. He's very elusive when it comes to details. Supposedly, his business went under but his partner is doing just fine. Seems like something happened with his job, he was kicked out by his roommates (a couple), and he moved in with family. There are some other weird details, but I don't know if they affect this particular concern or not. So anyway, he takes ambien. He slept over and didn't have it, and he asked for klonopin (an old script from when I had cancer). He took several...but I'm small and maybe he needed more, I don't know. This happened two different nights. Last night, he came over because he forgot his ambien at my house and hadn't slept the night before. I told him I had to catch up on work, and so he napped while I did that. Well, he showed up with a bottle of wine..and drank the entire thing from the bottle in about 15 minutes and then went to sleep with the ambien. So, this morning I wake up and there's ANOTHER bottle of wine in my trash. He got up in the middle of the night to drink it. He's stressed about a job he is getting but this seems odd to me. What are your thoughts?
333unsure Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 He's an alcoholic and a prescription drug abuser. You want to be as far away from this person as possible. There are too many red flags to count. Him being in your life will bring you misery. For your own good, run away now. Know that there is nothing you can do to help him, and he has already shown you he has no interest in helping himself. Take care of yourself... walk away before you get any closer. 3
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 What should I say to him? Ask for space? This is an awkward time of year and he definitely wants a full blown commitment, already wanting to discuss thanksgiving, etc.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 couldn't have put it or said it better. The guy is an addict, and you really don't want a substance-dependent person in your life. In addition to his habit (which he is obviously in deep denial about) he is lying and he will steal from you to fund it. Don't hate him, or pity him. Have compassion for him - but he needs professional help, and only he can ask for it and find it. He hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. Maybe if you tell him why you cannot be with him, the brutal honesty might help do that. Or maybe not. But it's not down to you to stay and be a support to him, in any way that would be taken.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 What should I say to him? Ask for space? You drink too much, too quickly, and you take prescription drugs. Nothing about you adds up, and I can't commit to someone who isn't totally, completely open and honest with either his own family or with me. You need help. professional help. And until you get it, I'm not willing to play into this. This is an awkward time of year and he definitely wants a full blown commitment, already wanting to discuss thanksgiving, etc. The time of year is immaterial - other than it's a time of year when people eat drink and make merry. You really want to be around him when he could easily triple his intake? Ugh. I wouldn't....
333unsure Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Be careful in breaking it off. People who are suffering from addiction are very good at manipulation and deceit; it is necessary for the addict to keep feeding the addiction. If you tell him why you don't want to be romantically involved, there is some small chance it could help him re-think his choices, but likely won't and depending on how easily swayed you are by his explanations/excuses (which happens to everyone at one point or another until they learn that lesson the hard way), you are vulnerable to getting sucked in to staying with him, which is a terrible idea. So if you need to say something generic to let him go, that is okay. His addiction is his problem (repeat - you cannot help him with this; only he can and he's shown he doesn't want to help himself). It is okay to tell him something simple and generic to break it off (I'm sorry, I don't think we're compatible; we want different things; my feelings have changed; whatever) and then cut off contact. Don't feel guilty about this. Really, a relationship with him is only going to take you to awful places. There are good reasons he has no job, his former partner is doing fine, his roommates kicked him out, and he's living with his grandmother... you don't want to be the next person in his life that gets used/hurt. Good luck!
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Does this conversation need to happen in person?
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Thank you for the insight. Last night, he asked if he could stay over a few nights a week, because the commute to this new job is really long. I thought that was pretty bold to ask 2 months in. I've felt kind of on guard for the last week or so...and the 2 bottles of wine incident last night really helped me gain some clarity that something was off...
333unsure Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No, it does not have to be in person. You are dealing with a person who is not healthy and it is okay to set boundaries you might otherwise not, if you were dealing with a healthy person. The most important thing is to extricate yourself from the relationship immediately and not let him back in.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Does this conversation need to happen in person? Are you that concerned? What aspect of speaking to him directly, concerns you? (I'm not suggesting you're wrong to be thinking this way. I'm just trying to help.) Great advice from 333unsure, BtW....
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I mean, I guess I could have the conversation in person, but I'm sure this wouldn't be the first time for him if this is truly an issue. I'm sure he'll have some kind of excuse...
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Oh yes, he will, they always do. Addicts are the Masters of Deception. they're very good at taking people in. Their addictions depend on it....I can see why facing someone who might be so sly and manipulative could be extremely difficult.
Standard-Fare Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Yeah, I think you should have the conversation in person. But hold strong on your own point of view and don't let him talk you into anything else. Tell him what happened the other night with the Ambien + two bottles of wine went too far for you, esp. given the other things you've observed about his pill/alcohol use. Regardless of whether or not he admits he has a problem, be clear that it's a problem for YOU and you don't want to be involved with it. I don't know what hope there is for the future with him. Because even if he promises to change, at two months I assume you aren't invested enough in this relationship to want to see him through withdrawal/rehab even if he vowed to take that route. It sounds like he wouldn't do that anyway though. My guess is he'll just deny the problem.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Is there any chance this is a fluke? He's really nice, and before this last week, I've never seen him drink. I just want to be sure before I pull the plug. Do people ever just do this as a rarity? I don't drink, so I don't have a lot to compare to. I know people will drink after a bad day, breakup, etc.
Standard-Fare Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Well, you could stick with this and keep watching for the red flags, but I can almost guarantee you'll see more of them. An Ambien plus two bottles of wine is a big deal. That could send some people to the hospital. The fact that he did this fairly casually suggests that he's a very seasoned drinker/pill-taker who has built up a hell of a tolerance. Hiding bottles (as he's done with both his grandma and now you) is also a bad sign. "Normal" drinkers don't have the need to do that. Everything about this suggests a very real problem with addiction. You can choose to grapple with it or you can choose to go your own way.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Those are good points. He very well could have taken more than one ambien too. He has in the past. Ughhh. I need to wait longer than 2-3 months to tell my family and friends I'm dating someone. Something weird always happens right after I clue them in.
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I'd also add that it's weird that he asked for your prescription drugs. (I'm assuming that you didn't just immediately offer those to him without some conversation.) It was definitely a mistake for you to give him those but I'm sure you didn't have any bad intentions. Have you checked that Klonopin bottle again? Try to calculate how many pills he must have taken from the jar. I'm guessing it's way more than you intended. Also pay attention to any other prescription bottles you might have laying around, see if there's been any changes.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I agree, it was definitely an uncomfortable situation, but at that time I didn't think he had any substance abuse issues. I just checked the bottles. While I don't remember the exact amount that was in there before, original qty was 60 and I definitely did not take more than 5-10 over the course of a YEAR. There are 11 left. I just hid the bottles of any questionable pills.
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I agree, it was definitely an uncomfortable situation, but at that time I didn't think he had any substance abuse issues. I just checked the bottles. While I don't remember the exact amount that was in there before, original qty was 60 and I definitely did not take more than 5-10 over the course of a YEAR. There are 11 left. I just hid the bottles of any questionable pills. So, is my math correct that in the BEST-case scenario, he's taken about 40 pills from that jar? Did you have any idea of that? What's your reaction? And when you say you "just hid the bottles of any questionable pills," do you mean that you just did that a second ago? If so, did you notice any changes with those other bottles? Honestly if I were you I'd test him the next time he's at your place (if there IS a next time). Take out a bottle of anything painkilling or sleep-inducing, make sure you know the exact number of pills, and leave it in your bathroom in his plain sight. I'd bet any money there would be pills missing the next time you checked. (I'm not coming up with this out of nowhere. A friend of mine once did something like this with her addict sister and sure enough the sister stole 5 pills.)
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 If there were really 60 total. It was circled and it was filled so long ago I don't remember. The other bottles looked the same, but again I didn't have an exact count. I kind of wonder if he'd look for them next time and say something about them being gone...
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 If there were really 60 total. It was circled and it was filled so long ago I don't remember. The other bottles looked the same, but again I didn't have an exact count. I kind of wonder if he'd look for them next time and say something about them being gone... He'd definitely notice, because he's been helping himself to these bottles, probably every time he visits you. He takes you for someone who doesn't pay any attention to what happens with your pill bottles. But it would be pretty outrageous/ballsy for him to actually say anything to you about it. I'm guessing he'd sense that something was wrong and keep his mouth shut.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 My concern with leaving them out would be that he'd flat out ask for some...I'm so tempted to ask if he took any last night.
rester Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I wouldn't invite this guy over again and definitely wouldn't allow him to stay a few nights a week just yet. You've only been dating for two months. Downing two bottles of wine in a night is a lot, and if he really did down one of those bottles in fifteen minutes, he's got an issue. Most people would be very buzzed if not drunk off drinking a bottle over the course of an evening, let alone within fifteen minutes.
Standard-Fare Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 But am I wrong to conclude that he DID help himself several times to that bottle WITHOUT asking you? He only asked you that one initial time, right? And I imagine you assumed it would be a one-time thing with a couple of pills. Now fast-forward, there's dozens of pills missing from that jar and possibly some from other jars. I'm not trying to plant this overly suspicious seed in your head, just encouraging you to keep an eye out and be careful here.
Art_Critic Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 My concern with leaving them out would be that he'd flat out ask for some...I'm so tempted to ask if he took any last night. He will say "no" or just "one".. Do you need more reassurance that you have someone with an addiction issue in your house ? You are missing 4 times the amount of pills you took in a year in a short amount of time from your bottle, 2 bottles of wine in a night and all the other red flags.. Unless you have codependent issues you can't deal with you need to cut this guy loose.. he is going to suck the life out of you and quickly... If you decide to break it off make sure you do a clean break.. no mention of staying friends and dating later if he gets his shiot straight... clean break...
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