simsim Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I've been seeing my man for 3 months. We clicked crazy well on the first date, and have been exclusive since. He is amazing in a lot of ways, and I fell pretty hard. One big problem...he still has a ton of anger issues with his ex (of two years). She screwed him over pretty bad and cheated, and since has been using her son to bait him back into contact with her. He cared deeply about her 8 year old when they dated, and at least once a week will get bummed out over the whole situation. I've told him he is still hung up on her, otherwise he would not be feeling such strong negative emotions. He claims to hate her guts and wants nothing to do with her. I've told him he just needs to block her from his phone/life, and he agrees, but it hasn't happened yet. Well, the truth came out this morning. He has been in contact with her since we met, and there was even a day a few weeks ago he was helping out a "friend" with a minor medical emergency, and ended up pushing back a dinner date we had that night and we ended up missing the reservations. Turns out it was his ex he was with for 4-5 hours that day. While I was out excitedly getting ready for our date, he was with her the whole time. Punch to the gut, to say the least. He adamantly denies that I'm any sort of rebound... He's beside himself, apologizing profusely and saying he understands if he's ruined things. He claims he spoke to her on the phone last night and told her she ruined his life and if she ever tries to contact him again he will get a restraining order. So I have to ask. Can somebody get over an ex while they're dating someone new? Or would I be selling myself short if I didn't demand a break for at least a little while? I am ready to commit, he's taking it slow because he was burned so bad in the past. But how much could he possibly respect me if he withheld the fact that he was still talking to her? How can I trust him going forward, or trust him when he says nothing ever happened? This is the closest I've come to being cheated on. My god, it sucks. Just need a little outside perspective.
snowflakes88 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 He's helping her out with emergencies, still in contact with her voluntarily, and refuses to block her -- do you really believe he's threatened this woman with a restraining order?? Come on. Huge, enormous, obvious red flags flapping all over this one. 2
johnson_j Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Sorry you are going through this. You are playing with fire and need to walk now. He doesn't deserve a good person who will stand by him if he is going to behave like a little child full of drama. 1
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I've been seeing my man for 3 months. .....He claims to hate her guts and wants nothing to do with her. I've told him he just needs to block her from his phone/life, and he agrees, but it hasn't happened yet. Well, the truth came out this morning. He has been in contact with her since we met, .....it was his ex he was with for 4-5 hours that day. While I was out excitedly getting ready for our date, he was with her the whole time. .... He's beside himself, apologizing profusely and saying he understands if he's ruined things. Classic "maybe if she sees me guilt-tripping, she will feel sorry for me and believe I really think I'm a jerk, when the only thing I'm really sorry about is that the truth is now out, and I'm exposed!" ......would I be selling myself short if I didn't demand a break for at least a little while? Not at all. In fact, I'd go one a whole lot better and kick him to the kerb, and thereby really respect yourself, and your dignity! A break'...? For a little while?? How about until hell freezes over?! !I am ready to commit, he's taking it slow because he was burned so bad in the past. ...... Can you smell that? It's called BS. See, here's the thing... if someone gets burned badly, they don't wander back into the same fire....you know... the same fire that actually burned them the last time. That fire. This is the closest I've come to being cheated on. My god, it sucks. Just need a little outside perspective. ..."Need a little outside perspective"...? If that's a euphemism for 'packing my bags' you are so right.....
Brooke02 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I wouldn't put up with that. He's already lying to you. You are just a rebound and deserve better than that. Id dump him, don't ignore the red flags.. I know it's hard but listen to your head not your heart. 1
MissBee Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) How long after they broke up did you guys get together? He clearly has lots of unfinished business with his ex and you may in fact be a rebound. In cheating cases it is even trickier, as often, as it seems with your ex, it's not that the one cheated on wanted the relationship to end but were forced to end it because of cheating. When it isn't your choice then it is even more likely that you still have feelings. If someone cheats on you, you are betrayed, angry and upset (sort of like how you feel) but the reality is, you probably wish the cheating didn't happen but don't instantly lose feelings for them. In fact you're hurt because you do still have feelings for them which you're trying to now reconcile with what they did to hurt you and the relationship. So it seems like your ex didn't want this relationship to end but was forced to end it because of cheating but still has feelings for the ex which is why he is still upset and angry. None of what you're saying sounds promising or what normally happens. I get still being hurt by the cheating and it affecting you but canceling a date with you to be with her for 5 hours behind your back after she cheated on him shows he is clearly still invested in her emotionally. The fact that he's never stopped being in contact with her and gets depressed weekly about her says A LOT! He may not have intentionally set out to hurt you, but as rebounds go, people jump into things too quickly and think it will help them forget about their ex but eventually it doesn't work and the rebound is the one left high and dry. I'd take a break at least, and tell him to sort his life out. I don't really believe in breaks though since for me it puts you in limbo and I'd rather just break up altogether. Breaking up altogether doesn't mean you can't ever get back together, but I think it makes things clearer than "a break." Edited November 17, 2014 by MissBee
Adele0908 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't think you need to break up with him. But have you thought about taking some space for yourself? Hanging with friends and going on dates with other men? I've dated men before who were emotionally entangled with exes. But what I learned and now understand that you only attract who and what you are. If you attracted him, you attracted him for a reason. Is it possible that you have a wall up, or that you are not over any one of your own ex-boyfriends? This is my experience, but after I broke up with a boyfriend over 4 years ago, it took me years to get over it. In fact, every man that came after him, I compared to him. No man could come in fully. So I attracted men who also were emotionally tied to other people. People may tell you to leave him, and that's up to you, but I guarantee there is a lesson here for you to learn. I no longer advocate breaking up as a quick fix, because most times, you will just run into the same situation with a different person. My advice is to try not to overthink the situation. In fact, do your best not to analyze your man or the situation, and focus more on yourself and your own feelings. Bring it back to you, nurture you, and take care of yourself. When your man sees you doing that, rather than nagging him or complaining or questioning him or putting all your energy towards him, he will respect this in you.
Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Sorry you are going through this. You are playing with fire and need to walk now. He doesn't deserve a good person who will stand by him if he is going to behave like a little child full of drama. Agreed... If he wants to be with some manipulative skank ho and play all these immature games with her, he's not ready to date you or anyone. Be happy you dogged this bullet. One of my friends, she had to remind me of that recently.
KatZee Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 From experience, leave. Leave now. I was with my ex for almost three years. Near the end of our relationship I found out that when we were together for a mere three months, he started screwing back around with his ex. My ex would talk badly about their relationship, that what we had was better, that she was boring, dull, bad in bed, this an that. I see now that any sort of talk about ex's always means they're hung up in some way. He claimed I wasn't a rebound. (I was a rebound). He jumped immediately from a long term relationship with her, to me. No matter what they say, there is nothing else you can be BUT a rebound. So, at the end I find out he was physically cheating on me with his ex when we were together three months. He told me he loved me for the first time on Christmas morning. We then spent New Year's together. A week later he was having sex with her telling her how we had "so many problems" and that he didn't know who he wanted to be with. Throughout our relationship I brushed away the red flags. I was always confused why his ex would show up to parties, or to the bar. I had no idea why she hung around. I asked my ex if he missed her, wanted to be with her. Of course he was all "no, no, no, no." A while later I find out he's been in contact with her via texting to wish her Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, or whatever. Throughout our entire relationship he NEVER stopped trying to reach out to her, even though he would bad mouth her, tell me that our relationship was better than anything they ever had, I made him happier. Then came the death blow. An idiot girl in the circle of friends he had threatened to tell me that he had cheated on me with his ex. He was never going to tell me. He had not been honest with me for ONE SECOND in our three years together. He was basically forced to confess. So at the end of everything, how much I thought I loved him, how much I invested emotionally and mentally? How much I sacrificed for him, made him a priority, put him first, was honest, was putting effort into the relationship? He was cheating. He was lying. His friends were all laughing at me behind my back because a lot of them knew he cheated. Get out now while you still have your head screwed on straight. Get out now when it's new and emotions aren't running deep. Don't ignore all of this garbage in your face like I did. There is no good outcome here for you. Only pain and misery. 2
Omei Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 he's hung up on his ex. how hopeless does this look?
Joaquin Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I would not accept someone sneaking about with an ex behind my back. The whole thing is grounded in such lies and sneakiness and open up so many issues I would take it as a fatal red flag, and walk.
Redhead14 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 They have a son together. Until that child is an adult, they will need to co-parent him. Right now, she sounds like she is immature and not keeping the child's interests first. Until they learn to work together as a team, albeit, divorced, the child will suffer, he will suffer and you will suffer. You need to move on.
Author simsim Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 It's not his son. He also has anger issues toward the kid's "****head, deadbeat father." I don't know. I believe him when he says he's not a dishonest person at his core. He came over last night straight from work and we talked for 4-5 hours. He said to ask any question, he was an open book. He told me last night that they never hung out alone, and that it was usually her just showing up on group rides (he's a cyclist) and that they usually only said two words to each other, blah blah blah. I really do believe he would never physically cheat on me. But...somehow emotional is just as bad. So, we're taking a break. He told me to take as much time as I need. Thinking I'll focus on myself/friends for a couple weeks and then figure out how I'm feeling. I miss him...you don't find many people who have your same sense of humor and can talk and laugh for hours and still have such intense sexual chemistry. Sigh... but then I think about them seeing each other, him caring enough about her to call up his dentist friend after hours when she broke her tooth falling off her bike, probably driving her there (I forgot to ask if they were alone in a car together). It just makes me sick with rage. In this kind of situation, (and I know I probably should have just dumped him, but play devil's advocate with me here for a moment), would it be best to make him come to me? To say, take however much time you need to deal with your issues and need for validation and come to me without being emotionally attached to anyone else. Or just decide you can't do it and end it with me. I feel like he's putting the ball in MY court, when I want it to be in HIS. Isn't that normal?
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 You're the rebound. It's evident that he isn't over his ex. The ball is in your court. It's your decision as to whether you want to be with someone that truly isn't ready to be in a committed relationship with you. It's not up to him to decide your fate. It's your responsibility. Now, with him telling you to take all the time that you need -- can you be sure that he's now not with the ex and using that time to invest in her? Just because he said he wants nothing to do with her, it doesn't necessarily mean it's true because he's already lied about it. He states he hates her guts yet spends hours with her and even cares enough to reach out to his dentist to care for her? I have to question his words.
KatZee Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I mean, take as much time as you want but the writing is pretty much on the wall. He's already lied. Trust is gone. This woman will FOREVER be a part of his life. She's going no where. Ever. They have a child together. Is this how you want to be from here on out? Always questioning him? Having to ask whether he's been in a car alone with her? This is stupid. I'll go even as far as to say: I wouldn't doubt if in the future they tried to reconcile. Strong emotion either way is still passion. If he was capable of moving forward he'd be completely indifferent about her.
evanescentworld Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I mean, take as much time as you want but the writing is pretty much on the wall. He's already lied. Trust is gone. This woman will FOREVER be a part of his life. She's going no where. Ever. They have a child together. Is this how you want to be from here on out? Always questioning him? Having to ask whether he's been in a car alone with her? This is stupid. I'll go even as far as to say: I wouldn't doubt if in the future they tried to reconcile. Strong emotion either way is still passion. If he was capable of moving forward he'd be completely indifferent about her. They DON'T have a child together. So even that "just cause" is out the window, which makes it worse.
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