Treetops1969 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I am 45 and my partner is 53 we are both divorced with kids and have Been together for 2 and a half years. Earlier this year we almost moved in together but it fell through last minute through no fault of our own. I was in the middle of a divorce and so we decided to leave it till that was all over to have a rethink. My divorce is now over and I brought it up again with him over the weekend. He has been body swerving the discussion so I was quite direct as I need to make plans about housing arrangement for me and my kids. He told me he is not ready to move in together any more he has changed his mind because he is not so sure about his feelings any more and doesn't want to take that step if he feels forced into it. So I said fine but then you have to let me go to find the committed relationship that I seek. I don't really want to pussyfoot around with a guy who's not feeling it. (I should add that even though I am only recently divorced I was separated from my husband for 5/6 years already so it's not fresh) We had long conversations and agreed to break up. Part of me feels sure I deserve something good with someone who is sure about me but I'm also absolutely gutted. I love him very much and see him as my life partner. I don't feel needy about it I am financially and emotionally self sufficient I just don't want to lose him as he is wonderful. We are admittedly both a little fearful of commitment due to our pasts. Should I back down to find a way to compromise and keep him? Or stick to my guns to find the love i deserve? 1
Zahara Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 He's telling you he's not sure how strongly he feels about you. He didn't fight the break-up and has accepted it. It would be best for you to keep moving on. There is no compromise when someone isn't as emotionally invested as you are, especially after 2.5 years together. 4
Author Treetops1969 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I just don't understand it though. How can he be so into me right from the start and no have any objection to the original plans to move in together? It's literally changed overnight although he has been a little distant for a couple of months and we have had a few disagreements which is unusual for us. I thought he was just getting a bit of nerves or cold feet but I didn't think he would agree to the break up I have to admit.
BC1980 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Some people are content to just coast by in relationships. They claim they want certain things and might in the moment, but they can't commit when it comes down to it. I don't understand it, but it seems to happen a lot. 5
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Actually, most likely it didn't change overnight. That's just how it appeared to you. Chances are it's been a progression. Maybe he was just scared to let it be known to you until the pressure was just too much!! 1
Author Treetops1969 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 What should I do now? I text him and said he's right neither of us are ready for a commitment yet we both need to do some healing. He is right. Why get into something we not sure is right for us. The more I think about it the more I think we need to iron out a lot of stuff first. The issues we have from past relationships. My ex was abusive he started being violent. His ex was critical and controlling. We both have baggage that's what we disagreed about. We sometimes trigger each other's anxiety fears. I am afraid I have lost him now
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 What should I do now? I text him and said he's right neither of us are ready for a commitment yet we both need to do some healing. He is right. Why get into something we not sure is right for us. The more I think about it the more I think we need to iron out a lot of stuff first. The issues we have from past relationships. My ex was abusive he started being violent. His ex was critical and controlling. We both have baggage that's what we disagreed about. We sometimes trigger each other's anxiety fears. I am afraid I have lost him now You should accept the break-up, NC and start healing from this. It's time to move on. Seek a counselor if you think it will help you get through your past issues. I don't think you lost him. After investing 2.5 years and he still isn't sure as to how he feels about you, then you have to question how much of him you really had. 4
newlyborn Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 you didn't do this, and you can't fix it by yourself. relationships progress or stagnate and end. he changed his mind about advancing the relationship. your intuition about getting the love you deserve - either from someone else or just from yourself -- was right. and it starts with accepting this breakup. i am sorry for your loss. 2
Sunfire73 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 For me moving in is not something you do just because you have to arrange living arrangements. You have to do it because you have decided to want to live together for a long time. You can just give each other space and discuss what you want for now. If you still love each other, there is still hope that maybe you can still continue your relationship. But if you feel that at this point he has yet to decide about moving in, and you are already at that stage, then ask yourself if you think he will be ready in the future. Then give yourself a timeframe to wait. If he still hasn't decided by that time, then you have your answer.
Author Treetops1969 Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Well we've been talking and seeing each other and haven't really broken up. He has said 'we're working it out'. But I think he is depressed about issues from his past and is worried about making mistakes again. We've agreed to spend Xmas together and he was lovely on my birthday. Flowers, champagne, jewellery, dinner etc. I was made to feel really special. Everything is as good as it can be for now.... I just don't trust him. I'm trying to not focus on that and just on the present and getting Xmas out the way. 1
Zahara Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Well we've been talking and seeing each other and haven't really broken up. He has said 'we're working it out'. But I think he is depressed about issues from his past and is worried about making mistakes again. We've agreed to spend Xmas together and he was lovely on my birthday. Flowers, champagne, jewellery, dinner etc. I was made to feel really special. Everything is as good as it can be for now.... I just don't trust him. I'm trying to not focus on that and just on the present and getting Xmas out the way. His depression aside because there is nothing you can do about that until and unless he decides to make an effort to work through those issues. The issues that come from his depression however is something you have to deal with and that means settling for a semi something because he cannot be emotionally and mentally available to you. And I wouldn't use depression as an excuse. Don't confuse being nice on your birthday for his level of commitment. Men can treat you like an absolute queen without giving you a commitment. They can coast through it, play boyfriend and do all the things you want them to do for you but without committing to you the way you want. If after two years he's still working it out, that's your answer. The only thing you're doing is enabling his emotional dysfunction. He's never going to do anything more when you give him all the benefits without getting what you want in return. 2
Itspointless Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 His ex was critical and controlling. We both have baggage that's what we disagreed about. We sometimes trigger each other's anxiety fears. Was she, or was she just anxious like you, while he was avoidant in the relation? You were save as he still had his divorce, but now you were free to give it a go with him. 2
BC1980 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Everything is as good as it can be for now.... I just don't trust him. I'm trying to not focus on that and just on the present and getting Xmas out the way. No trust is a pretty big deal. He can do everything else right, but no trust rules him out. That's not an issue you can compromise on. 4
Satu Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 The relationship you have is the relationship you have today. If you're not happy with it today, you won't be happy with it tomorrow. 1
BC1980 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 The relationship you have is the relationship you have today. If you're not happy with it today, you won't be happy with it tomorrow. And it seems as though the relationship has gotten progressively worse, not better. A relationship should get better over time, and trust should grow. 3
elaine567 Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 My divorce is now over and I brought it up again with him over the weekend. He has been body swerving the discussion so I was quite direct as I need to make plans about housing arrangement for me and my kids. He told me he is not ready to move in together any more he has changed his mind because he is not so sure about his feelings any more and doesn't want to take that step if he feels forced into it. He has had 2 and 1/2 years to make up his mind and ducked out at the last minute when a decision needed taken, he could no longer hide behind the fact you weren't free and he was therefore exposed. Sometimes decision-making forces people to re-assess their lives and it is a bit hard on you to think that he didn't want to progress things further. I understand how you must feel, you were ready to lay a more permanent path and he just wasn't, and that does lead to worries about how much you can trust him moving forward. The birthday celebrations and Xmas are really only papering the cracks, he needs to show you he has thought about the future and where you are headed, else you carry on as is with no decisions being made. Is he depressed about past issues, or is he depressed because he really wants out and cannot bear to tell you? Sorry!
BC1980 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 He has had 2 and 1/2 years to make up his mind and ducked out at the last minute when a decision needed taken, he could no longer hide behind the fact you weren't free and he was therefore exposed. Sometimes decision-making forces people to re-assess their lives and it is a bit hard on you to think that he didn't want to progress things further. I understand how you must feel, you were ready to lay a more permanent path and he just wasn't, and that does lead to worries about how much you can trust him moving forward. The birthday celebrations and Xmas are really only papering the cracks, he needs to show you he has thought about the future and where you are headed, else you carry on as is with no decisions being made. Is he depressed about past issues, or is he depressed because he really wants out and cannot bear to tell you? Sorry! I agree with this. It seems as though when he was forced to make a more permanent commitment, he couldn't do it. Some people are fine with a relationship but want to keep you at arms length. As long as the commitment is in theory or sometime in the future, they will talk it up and claim they will come through. I spent 3 years with someone who pulled the same thing. He would talk all the time about how he wanted us to get married, how it would be when we got married, how we were family, and on and on. Whenever it came time to make any serious commitment, he would back off. There was always some reason he came up with, and I bought it every time. He was fine being in a relationship with me because he liked the companionship. He liked the idea of being in a relationship. But he wasn't going to marry me no matter how much he talked about it. Do you know how he broke up with me? He dumped me the night before we were supposed to start marriage counseling with the pastor who was marrying us. He waited until the absolute last moment because his hand was forced at that point. He had no more outs and no more chances to say he needed more time. No more excuses. He knew all along that he didn't want to go through with marriage, but he was like your ex. He waited until his hand was forced. The sick part is that my ex actually initiated getting married. Don't waste anymore time on this guy because you will end up like I did. My ex was also the type to put on a good show for me. He would take me on trips, always pay when we went out. So don't let that behavior fool you. He is doing what he needs to do to keep you on the hook. 4
Author Treetops1969 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Posted December 9, 2014 It is getting better in regard to us talking About our issues both individual issues and relationship issues. We are being much more open with each other more so than we've ever been. I guess cos now there is nothing to lose. It's bringing us closer. I guess when I talk about trust it's because I don't feel 100 % secure in the relationship. But I am 100% sure in myself and that I can get through it if it don't work out. I know that I need and deserve someone who can be 100% sure of me and that can only happen when I am sure of myself. Which I believe I am. I've had a rocky road but I've dealt with my issues although I realise some of them will always be ongoing. So I am doing that self care on myself for now and just trying to be a good friend if he needs me. We are still very passionate about each other not just sex, though that is an area where everything is very good:p I have a good feeling everything will work out I guess sometimes I let my fears run away with themselves. Your feedback really helps me. Thank you xxx
Elle1975 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 Stick to your guns. While I'm sure he's a great guy, he's still human, and he will not change his mind. When feelings start going astray, it rarely is that they go back on track. Also, I hope I am not offending you, but it might simply be that he doesn't see himself as the step dad to your kids. Meeting someone with kids isn't what I have in mind myself - although I am not opposed to it. Let him be, if he wants you, he knows where to find you.
BC1980 Posted December 9, 2014 Posted December 9, 2014 It is getting better in regard to us talking About our issues both individual issues and relationship issues. We are being much more open with each other more so than we've ever been. I guess cos now there is nothing to lose. It's bringing us closer. I guess when I talk about trust it's because I don't feel 100 % secure in the relationship. But I am 100% sure in myself and that I can get through it if it don't work out. I know that I need and deserve someone who can be 100% sure of me and that can only happen when I am sure of myself. Which I believe I am. I've had a rocky road but I've dealt with my issues although I realise some of them will always be ongoing. So I am doing that self care on myself for now and just trying to be a good friend if he needs me. We are still very passionate about each other not just sex, though that is an area where everything is very good:p I have a good feeling everything will work out I guess sometimes I let my fears run away with themselves. Your feedback really helps me. Thank you xxx Your fears are founded. They are actual fears based on his action (or inaction I guess we could say). He backed out on plans that would have required a greater commitment to you. Don't forget that as you move forward, and don't expect it to change. If you intend to stay with him, you will probably have to be content with the level of commitment he is currently offering, no more and no less. I've been there. I've been sweet talked, and we were very attracted to one another. We had a great physical chemistry. Still, that stuff doesn't infuse trust into a relationship. I wish you the best moving forward, but he has shown you his hand. It's up to you if you want to believe in him as he is or bet on the potential. 2
Author Treetops1969 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 To be really truthful I'm not that bothered about moving in. Getting married, commitment and all that jazz. I've been there done that, got the T-shirt and the scars! It's me that has hung back in the relationship. It's me that has not always been fully present. My feelings have sometimes gone astray too. I don't believe that once they start to go astray you can't get them back. Don't forget we are both mature adults. He has always driven the relationship. Made me his partner from the get go, introduced me to his family, friends and work colleagues. Talked about marriage and me changing my name etc. I have kids that live with me so yes it may be part of his reticence. But he also has a similar aged son who's behaviour can be really challenging. He is always in trouble at school and his latest thing is he was caught stealing. So that is something that I have to take on too. My kids are a walk in the park compared to him. They have never been in any serious trouble. And their dad is around and supports us financially and them emotionally. They see him frequently. He doesn't have to be a step dad they have a dad already. His son visits him weekly and When we all are together it's a great family vibe and his son is calmer in my opinion. I think my kids settle him down.He has another set of kids too he had when he was young. They are grown up now. Love is a complicated thing. Especially when you've been through the mangle a few times. I think he is having a flashback back to when he was with his wife and moved into to hers too quickly and then ended up going along with the rest of the shebang - marriage, another kid, house, mortgage etc. when he looks back he thinks he made a mistake. I think he's just taking a minute to make sure he's certain. And that's fine. Of course that is what I did too when I pulled back a little and had a little check to make sure all my feelings were in order. I respect him for that. When he does commit I know it will be with a full heart and not a half one. If he doesn't then so be it. I have a strong heart and I'll get through. And I've already got a few unsolicited dinner invites from men who sense the gap! Which of course is good for my ego but I will take some time to follow through with!
Itspointless Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Of course that is what I did too when I pulled back a little and had a little check to make sure all my feelings were in order. I respect him for that. But you do not know that. You do not know if he is having a check or just avoiding. He has to communicate this. If he doesn't want to, than you know.
Author Treetops1969 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 He's said that is what he is doing. I can only take him at his word
Itspointless Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Than you should discus for your own sanity some kind of time-frame.
Author Treetops1969 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Yes that is good advice. In my head I've given him 6 months. But after Christmas I will pull away. This is making me ill. I have tonsillitis and I'm run down and still have to work and prep for Xmas as I'm a single parent. I will talk to him and tell him this as it's probably unfair to do it without telling him. Although I did with him. I pulled away emotionally to check out my feelings and I didn't know why. I just felt that I needed to. He is a lot less emotionally switched on (by his own admission) I get the feeling he's confused himself
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