Darren2013 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Actually a long distance relationship is ideal for me because it gives me a valid excuse not to see my girlfriend everyday. In a way I have made it a point to not hook up with anyone locally.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Actually a long distance relationship is ideal for me because it gives me a valid excuse not to see my girlfriend everyday. In a way I have made it a point to not hook up with anyone locally. Yes but you've already made it abundantly clear you don't actually want a relationship to begin with so... 1
Darren2013 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Yes but you've already made it abundantly clear you don't actually want a relationship to begin with so... I have only made it clear that I don't want the kind of relationship that is considered normal or average.
Author Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) You do realize that for most emotionally healthy people, love-sex-intimacy-commitment are intertwined in such a way that they're inseparable? And it's not just for practical lifestyle reasons; it's emotionally healthy. Oh please, the "inseparables"? If you're so stuck on someone that you can't function without them, that sounds unhealthy to me. The "inseparables" have no self-identity. Their identity is all wrapped up in some other person. They can't go to a movie, shopping, or breathe without that person. Sounds quite pathetic to me. Ever hear of that saying like "You can't love others till you love yourself"? Well, when you are involved with someone, they become "part" of your life. If you can't be happy without "being" with someone, then you don't even love/want/etc that person - you just want to be wanted...and, you're definitely not about making them happy. Also, if you can't do a thing without that other person (i.e. doing to the mall with your gfs instead of dragging your guy), then again, you are not comfortable being on your own and you expect another person to fill a void in your sorry life. Edited November 18, 2014 by Gloria25
Author Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I think there is a difference between wanting autonomy (ie not being with the person 24/7, wanting some space, not being very touchy-feely) and being afraid of intimacy. I think a lot of people can relate to wanting independence but that doesn't mean we can't build an emotional closeness. Thank you ^^. I think too many people are walking around with some gaudy "show" of superficial intimacy - so, when they meet someone like me, they think something's wrong with me. I remember one time a peer review was done and what they said about me surprised me. They said that I was 'quiet, but once I warm up to people, I'm pretty cool'. In other words, yes, I have emotional scars from my childhood and how things are going in the dating world isn't motivation for me to change it. I know what I have to offer at my level of comfort - but you gotta really show me I can trust you before that happens - so far, no one hasn't. And, of the few times over the years I've tried to "give it a chance", again, it was a waste of my time. So, I will guard my pocket, myself, and my heart - always. I may "forgive", but I don't "forget".
Author Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Just stop using "cuz" and you will be just fine..... TFY I also say doin', goin', 'bout, etc. BTW, I do it intentionally 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 The "inseparables" have no self-identity. Their identity is all wrapped up in some other person. They can't go to a movie, shopping, or breathe without that person. Sounds quite pathetic to me. It would be wise for you to hold back on comparing what you're like to how you think others are in their relationships, they are not any necessarily pathetic, women are not this way or that way, etc. Being yourself doesn't mean that others different than you are wrong. 2
serial muse Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) Thank you ^^. I think too many people are walking around with some gaudy "show" of superficial intimacy - so, when they meet someone like me, they think something's wrong with me. I remember one time a peer review was done and what they said about me surprised me. They said that I was 'quiet, but once I warm up to people, I'm pretty cool'. In other words, yes, I have emotional scars from my childhood and how things are going in the dating world isn't motivation for me to change it. I know what I have to offer at my level of comfort - but you gotta really show me I can trust you before that happens - so far, no one hasn't. And, of the few times over the years I've tried to "give it a chance", again, it was a waste of my time. So, I will guard my pocket, myself, and my heart - always. I may "forgive", but I don't "forget". I don't know, OP - up until this post I was prepared to ...well, not exactly agree with you, because I'm in a relationship and personally I rather like emotional closeness at times. I'm also pretty independent and am quite happy spending time alone at others. And I also don't think I'm "unusual" for a woman, because come on, there are all kinds of people out there and half of them are women. But all of that said, I was prepared to agree that one could just want more space in a relationship and it doesn't have to be an unhealthy thing. But what you've said here...well, that kind of contradicts the idea that it's not rooted in pain. It's one thing to be happy alone. It's another to defiantly push people away because you think they'll hurt you. Those are two different things. (And in the second case, one is not really enjoying being alone so much as enjoying projecting "I am alone, world, so suck it!" Which...requires an audience.) Edited November 18, 2014 by serial muse 2
Author Gloria25 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I don't know, OP - up until this post I was prepared to ...well, not exactly agree with you, because I'm in a relationship and personally I rather like emotional closeness at times. I'm also pretty independent and am quite happy spending time alone at others. And I also don't think I'm "unusual" for a woman, because come on, there are all kinds of people out there and half of them are women. But all of that said, I was prepared to agree that one could just want more space in a relationship and it doesn't have to be an unhealthy thing. But what you've said here...well, that kind of contradicts the idea that it's not rooted in pain. It's one thing to be happy alone. It's another to defiantly push people away because you think they'll hurt you. Those are two different things. (And in the second case, one is not really enjoying being alone so much as enjoying projecting "I am alone, world, so suck it!" Which...requires an audience.) How do I say this? Yes, I have my "I don't need anyone" songs/days...and, I guess you can say it's a defense mechanism. I remember a Sex and the City where Miranda was getting zinged for not wanting a kid and/or husband at that time. At the end of that show, Cybil Shepherd's character refreshingly gave Miranda some hope - when Cybil was just catching up with Miranda and telling her how Cybil and her husband were married, but weren't excited about having kids cuz it was 'poopy diapers vs white carpets'. What I'm trying to say is, when people wanna shove in my face that "something's wrong with me" cuz of the choices I'm making - I'm gonna come back swinging. I think it is unhealthy to have no life outside of a partner...same way those "inseparables" probably look at me and think "How pathetic to be all by yourself". I don't think I "push" people away. I just am not on some mission to get married and all that. I'm going to look for something that's comfortable for me. If I met the right guy, do you think I'd tell him to get lost if he wanted to marry me? The issue is, the kind of "marriage" that I'd be looking for isn't what marriage is. Marriage requires sharing finances, trusting someone, having kids. I have yet to meet someone I'd be willing to do that with, and the mentality of men now a days - where they want you to go dutch and all that is not making it any more attractive for me. One of my gfs wants to divorce, but she's in debt, they have kids, the husband buys endless "toys" - yet tells her 'cuz she makes more, she needs to put more in their shared expenses'. Sorry, not for me. Then, marriage or not, I don't require some guy to be around me 24/7. Am I sweet when he's around? Of course? Do I send him a random text now and then? Of course? Do I cook and/or sex him good? Yes. But, that's not enough for some guys. They wanna talk to you on the phone, live with you, spend the night. I don't need someone like that. I remember one guy calling me every day I got off of work. I'd be watching Law and Order and just waiting for him to shut up so I can watch my show. Well, he dumped me for some unemployed, not going to school chick with nothing but time on her hands. So, I'm sure she had all day to talk on the phone with him. Edited November 18, 2014 by Gloria25
Tayken Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) One of my gfs wants to divorce, but she's in debt, they have kids, the husband buys endless "toys" Unfortunately, there are many out there like this be it the husband or the wife spending the joint account or his/her money on stuff that depreciates so fast or worse on some gambling/drinking/drugs etc Staying together for the sake of being afraid of the debt is not a valid reason, and eventually the debt will have to be paid. We had 2 line of credits, and I used the bigger of the two as well her keeping the other cross SUV that was already paid for, as bargaining cheap not to pay alimony which she would have got because of the disparity in our income, and the fact that she had to move twice for my work (but had jobs in both instances). She tapped into our joint account like it was her chequeing account because she didn't think I looked at it regularly and the mentality of men now a days - where they want you to go dutch and all that is not making it any more attractive for me.Ah...so equality for women doesn't extend this far then is what you are saying? You are right though about the societal idea of marriage, and as someone that has been there done that, it's not what am looking for either. I am not looking to be some adult person's parent because they couldn't be bothered to get a good education and a career. Edited November 18, 2014 by Tayken
salparadise Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) Oh please, the "inseparables"? If you're so stuck on someone that you can't function without them, that sounds unhealthy to me. No, you misunderstood. I'm not talking about people in a relationship being inseparable. I was referring to the terms (love-sex-intimacy) immediately preceding. Engulfment is a word used for people who lose sight of personal boundaries and lack individuation. Everyone understands that that isn't healthy. Edited November 19, 2014 by salparadise 1
Xiang Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) Ok, some of the threads today got me thinkin...I mean, I've tried to ask this in the past, but think I know how to phrase it better. I've posted several times how I've had a string of casual RLs/FWBs over the years cuz I don't want the whole "white picket fence" thing and/or kids. I also have my own stuff.... So, the problem is, IMO, men need to be "needed". If you have no purpose for them (i.e. to provide/protect), they biologically are gonna be inclined to move on. Also, if a RL doesn't progress (i.e. kids and/or marriage)...again, no glue there to keep a guy around. My next problem is that I'm not like most women. I don't need to talk to you every day. I don't say ILY. I don't need to live with you...quite frankly, I don't need you to sleep over. I get quiet at times. I'm very stoic. BUT, when I'm seeing someone - I treat them well, in and out of the bedroom. I'm not juggling multiple guys. I think of them on the regular and I'm literally "with them when I'm with them". So, while I may not be "communicative" like some chicks - you have a person who's "got your back". Some people have posted about this here, but I'm sorta asking how to get around this or is there a possibility that there's a guy like that out there for me? Or, am I doomed to FWBs/casual RLs? Can you handle a woman who isn't ILYing you, calling/texting you all the time, and when you're around her, she is hugging and caressing you - but she's not saying much? P.S. I just am not wired like that. I don't get why women have to talk so much. There was a time my gf would call me like twice in a day and I'd be like "I just talked to you this morning, what else has happened that we need to talk?". I also had a gf who was dating a guy in the same company as her, so they worked in the same building, but she'd freak if he didn't have lunch with her on occasion. Why? when you get off of work you'll see him...plus, you spend all day texting him on/off That's what i want. I like my me tiime, i never get all OVER anyone, i don't need to contact you daily, but i likely will at least once a day call you....or not. I like carresing and hugging and quality time and not to chatty/ blabla , i did just agree to all you said. No need to talk about it again. I do that too, but the women i tried it with thought i wasn't giving them enough attention, sooo, yeah ^^. Bout the other thing you mentiond with "cuz, doin" hahaha, i do that too, on purpose. I find it amusing...and it makes me look silly. Edited November 19, 2014 by Xiang 1
preraph Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Yeah, I wonder what women did in the old times before the telephone was invented....worst, the ones who their husbands were traveling and/or in the military. You'd have to literally wait and see "if" you get a letter from him... They were too busy preparing meals without modern appliances to worry about it and being as most of them didn't get out much, they were probably already sick of each other anyway from cabin fever.
anika99 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Oh please, the "inseparables"? If you're so stuck on someone that you can't function without them, that sounds unhealthy to me. The "inseparables" have no self-identity. Their identity is all wrapped up in some other person. They can't go to a movie, shopping, or breathe without that person. Sounds quite pathetic to me. Ever hear of that saying like "You can't love others till you love yourself"? Well, when you are involved with someone, they become "part" of your life. If you can't be happy without "being" with someone, then you don't even love/want/etc that person - you just want to be wanted...and, you're definitely not about making them happy. Also, if you can't do a thing without that other person (i.e. doing to the mall with your gfs instead of dragging your guy), then again, you are not comfortable being on your own and you expect another person to fill a void in your sorry life. I think you completely misunderstood the post your above reply was directed at. I don't think that poster meant that people are inseparable, they meant that things like love and sex and intimacy are inseparable. You have a right to live your life however you see fit. If you are happiest by keeping people at a safe distance then do that. I'm slow to warm up to new people too so I understand that part. What I don't understand is all the hostility you seem to have towards people who do not feel as you do. 4
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Anyway you don't need anybody, you don't have anybody. Is that okay for you? 1
Author Gloria25 Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 Anyway you don't need anybody, you don't have anybody. Is that okay for you? Eh, sometimes... I believe we humans are gregarious creatures...we all want some level of contact. But, after the holidays I'm gonna get back into the dating game...I was interested in someone for the past couple of months and after the holidays I guess I'll have my confirmation that he isn't attracted to me and/or has no interest. Gosh, like today, we cross paths and he just makes me smile....I still am attracted/interested in him. Too bad he doesn't feel the same **Please don't ask me who it is and/or post here about who you may think it is, thank you** Also, I don't date during the holidays and/or the peak of summer. I think it's hard and awkward to establish connections with people during those time/seasons. So, I'm just posting here and gathering some advice. I hope that next year when I jump back into the dating pool I can do it with some more tools in my belt and better understanding how to get what I'm looking for (well that's "if" its out there, cuz I am a rare breed...lol) I appreciate the advice, I do. Thanks everyone
Tayken Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I still am attracted/interested in him. Too bad he doesn't feel the same Is that the impression you got of me? You also promised not to air the laundry in public 1
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