Crushed

[joshuasteinberg]

So I had been seeing this girl that I had met a month ago until recently when she called to say that we should only be friends and that she didn't want me to pursue something that I wasn't able to pursue. She said we didn't have enough in common. I was pretty crushed and told her thanks for letting me know, and basically said "have a good one" and hung up. The conversation probably lasted a whole 30-45 seconds, and as soon as I heard those words about being a friend, my stomach turned into a knot. I had nothing to say and just felt awful.

 

Before you start to say that I'm overreacting given the length of the time I knew this girl, I'll give you some history on my dating past. I am not one to date around. I enjoy being independent, so it really takes a lot for me to become interested in dating a girl seriously. I have had one serious girlfriend who I dated for about a year. We broke up two years ago. It took me a full year to get over her, I was devastated. She was my first love. But after a year post break up, I felt fine and did not yearn to be back with her. I finally felt good enough to get back into the dating scene. So since I broke up with my first love, I've had three (not including the fling that this post is about) short flings. They've all lasted about a month. Two of them I pretty much ended as I grew uninterested in them and they fizzled out. The third I was interested in, but at the time I was too busy and didn't make enough of an initiative so it fizzled out. I was never really bummed at any of these flings fizzling out. I'll note that with all three of these, there was no sex, just heated make out sessions.

 

Now I'll get to the most recent fling that has me all bummed out. I've been talking to this girl for the last month. I have been taking her out to dinner or a movie each weekend. It started out great, and she seemed really interested, especially after our second date where I made a move on her and we had an intense make out session. I never really called her, which I regret, as I took hints that she communicated via text with her family. So one of the dates we go out to dinner and we get back and she initiates sex. During sex she stopped and ended up leaving, but not on bad terms. She just said that she felt it was too soon. Ever since then she has been colder and more distant. We went on a date the next weekend and she was unenthusiastic and conversation was uninspired. The date didn't feel good. So a week after that date, I try setting something up with her and she gives me the message that she thinks we should just be friends and that we don't have enough in common. She doesn't want me pursuing her.

 

I feel crushed. I was really starting to like her, and feel like we ended things too soon. On the "break-up" phone call I didn't say much so I really don't know what it was that made her lose all interest in me. I'm just devastated that after two years of not feeling a spark with any girl, I thought I had finally found a girl that was a fit, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I didn't think I'd find a girl that made me feel like my first love made me feel, but amazingly this girl did. I couldn't believe I could love again after not being able to find someone for such a long time since my first love and I broke up. I feel like a failure and really wish this most recent girl would realize that we had potential.

 

I've had a know in my stomach since I received that call over a week ago. I'm upset at my self for not really saying anything. I regret not making it more known that I really was beginning to like her and that I wanted us to get serious. I'm very tempted to send her an email or something about how I feel, especially given that I basically froze up when she called me. I never got it out to her about how I felt about her. Would it look desperate if I sent her an email or something? Does anyone have any advice?

[Chemist]

Hey man, rough stuff. I know all about this. I only go after the girls that make me feel awesome... and so when I get rejected it hurts... and since I only go after the best girls, I get rejected a lot.

 

However, in your case, I don't want to sound like a dick or anything, but it seems like you ****ed up in bed somehow. Size isn't everything, but bad sex is a deal breaker for some women. Why did she really leave in the middle of boning? It wasn't too soon or she wouldn't have started.

 

Depending on your terms, you can ask her to clear it up and really ask her if there was something you did that was a turn off.

 

I'm not saying you have a small cock or anything... I mean it isn't just like dick size or anything. I have had girls say **** like, yeah his dick was huge, but he had no idea what he was doing with it... or even that it is too big. So I hope it doesn't come off that way, but maybe she felt like you were physically incompatible for some reason.

[joshuasteinberg]

Well we had both been drinking. I'm not very sexually experienced at all, so it could be that. I just think it's a bit ridiculous that the first few minutes of intercourse, of our first time together, could make her completely write me off. It's got me in such a funk. I'm a guy, and she was by no means a "freak in the sheets", but I sure wasn't going to give up on her based off that one (first) time.

[joshuasteinberg]

Does anyone have advice for if I should reach out to her and let out my feelings for her? I'm worrying myself sick thinking that I should have said more when she called me. If it's over for sure, that's fine and I'll move on, I just want to know if there's more I could of done.

[slizl]

It is over and it is best for you to go no contact with her.

 

It is hard getting rejected no matter how long you have known a person for. I have fallen pretty hard pretty quickly before and it can hurt really bad, even if you have only known someone for a short amount of time.

 

A couple of things to note for next time:

1) Dinner and a movie on every date? Try to steer clear of movies because you can't really talk and get to know someone.

2) You probably weren't super compatible in bed. No big deal, it happens. The first time having sex with someone can be a little awkward sometimes. People have different styles and some don't mesh well. After some practice, things get better, but it doesn't look like you will be given that shot.

 

Just take it as a good learning experience and move on. Good luck!

[Divasu]

Of course being sexually compatible is important but don't just assume a fumble here or there in the bedroom, is the end all be all. Most women who are understanding in nature don't expect first time sex with someone to be something held up to some exorbitantly high standard.

 

Usually "we don't have enough in common" is about the overall state of affairs.

 

I think given the nature of your dating relationship, the time spent, sexually intimacy being involved, it's perfectly reasonable to want an explanation that makes sense to you.

 

So I don't think you're overreacting in nature, if you feel hurt and disappointed. I've found that the end of a fling can be just as painful as the end of a long relationship (the pain associated with it differs in that something that seemed at the time so full of promise and hope is crushed in the blink of an eye).

 

It hurts, regardless.

[Omei]

I have done what she's done, been really interested in a guy then sex comes and its a huge let down (not saying you're bad) im saying however she likes it you probably didn't do it.

 

For eg if the first time I sleep with someone im dating and he doesn't turn into a beast that can F my brains out and hes all soft and mute and floppity I instantly don't feel sexually compatible and I would say "lets be friends"

 

And I know it's not a mans job to know what a woman desires the first time in the sac but unless the guy really has my attention with his personality (sparks) I just won't bother having the heart to heart talk about my needs, of course if he is someone I truly think is my match I would say something.

 

(sorry for too much info)

[Assasda]

OP,

There is no magic combination of words that you can say to let her think "Oh you know what?... I was wrong" So give it up man.

Move on.

 

I think you invested way too much in this girl only knowing her for a month.

For some reason I think you hounded her and became needy.

Again, Move on, and If I were you I'd accept her friendship

[joshuasteinberg]

I haven't been clingy. When she called me I barely said anything back. Just thanked her for letting me know and told her to take care. I haven't had any contact with her since. She un-friended me on Facebook. It just all seems weird given that we never had an argument or anything, that she would act this way.