BlueBelleShell Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and living together 3 out of those 5 years now. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs and have a close bond, naturally. He has grown up a lot since we dated and his family has credited it to him wanting to be a better man for me. He is a good person with a good heart and has always been affectionate, dependable and I never question his love for me. Overall, as of today, our relationship with one another on a day to day basis is good. We don’t fight like we used to (we used to have some very bad episodes when he would get drunk but that hasn’t happened in over 2 years sincehe went to therapy and sorted it out). The biggest issue in our relationship is more of a fundamental difference than itis a difference in our feelings for one another. Our backgrounds are very different and sometimes we don’t always understand or “get” where the other person is coming from or agree with one another’s expectations or views. I don’t ever hold his background against him – he had it very hard, his father was an alcoholic and when his mom left their dad and moved 3 states away, she was dealing with the pain of the split and was never emotionally available and even partied pretty hard in front of them. There was no guidance at home and my boyfriend and his brothers struggled a lot growing up and through their 20’s trying to navigate through life and make their way in the world. Their mom didn’t really guide them the way they needed. And their dad was not around . My boyfriend has a lot of anger and shame from his childhood which I always sympathized with. He has also come a long way from that and wants something different for his life and future. I grew up with a very close family and very stable home with loving, supportive and very family oriented parents. I had an amazing childhood. He likes my family but I know he often times he doesn’t feel particularly comfortable and I know its because he grew up very differently. He doesn’t really put forth the effort to build a close bond or relationship with my parents and family. He has been invited to holidays and sometimes he comes, sometimes he goes with his family, which is fine. But when he does come around to my family, it feels very forced and I can tell he feels out of his element. My family is extremely kind and my parents have always been so friendly and kind to him. But I know he just isn’t into it. Now…on the flip side…he is close with his best friends family who he grew up with. He talks and hangs out with his best friends parents and is totally at ease. I know he feels comfortable because his best friend had a similar background to my boyfriend so naturally he feels more comfortable. So I know my boyfriend is capable of having a close bond with someone’s family and that he simply doesn’t feel all that comfortable around mine. But it has been 5 years now After 5 years, I still see little effort made on his part to form a relationship with my family. A REAL relationship outside of visiting them once in awhile and basically making an appearance. He still just isn’t “into it”. When I bring it up, he gets very upset and basically has said “I feel like our relationship should be about you and me” and that in-laws should be a secondary relationship. Which is true to a point. But he doesn’t even have a relationship with them, period. My parents, in private, have expressed their concerns to me that they feel I need to just accept that is who he is and decide if it is what I want. They said they like him a lot as a person but think he isnt quite right for me. They think I should be with someone who is as family oriented as I am and are concerned when grandchildren come into the picture that they wont see much of them. But, cant that change? Is it possible we have children and that changes? Or my boyfriend becomes closer to them? He is agreat boyfriend on many other levels. He is very affectionate and loving, faithful, dependable and I never question his love. He loves me very much and if we broke up it would devastate him…as well as myself. I just don’t know if I am wasting my time and need to accept that he will never be close to my family and try to find someone that “gets” me more? But I am afraid what if I don’t find someone as loving, caring and faithful as him again? He is my first boyfriend. We met when I was 20 and started dating when I was 22. I have no basis for comparison with any other relationships. I just don’t want to throw away the past 5 years when there is a lot of love there. My parents said that it is better to do it now than continue on and sacrifice a fundamental need I wish to have in a relationship and marriage. I don’t know. I am so confused and afraid to hurt him and hurt myself or make a mistake I regret…
umirano Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 If you already talked to your parents about breaking up with him I think you've already taken the decision deep down inside... And it is in fact better to do it now than later. OTOH it'd be only fair to give him a chance to change. Have you ever talked to him about it?
MTmama Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No relationship is perfect, there is always something that needs work or help. Can he tell you why he feels uncomfortable? Are there tangible relationship challenges that he has with your family that could make him uncomfortable? If he were to name one or two things that would make him feel like a part of the family and relaxed, what would they be? If you think that he is the one for you, can you put in the effort to make it work? I hope you find the answers you need.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 There's a saying in the UK which goes: "You can take the girl out of Essex, but you can't take Essex out of the girl". Essex is supposed to be the cheap, redneck-type area of the UK... you know... fake nails, fake tan, fake boobs, palest pink lipstick, blonde bleached hair.... false eyelashes.... (and that's just the guys.....) What I'm saying is that a leopard can't change its spots. It's a social thing. It has more to do with class than experience. I'm sorry to use the divisive word 'class' but there's no other way of putting it. He feels awkward and uncomfortable, because he IS awkward and uncomfortable. And that will never change because he and your family are poles apart. What happened to him as a child has doubtless had an effect and has knocked his confidence. But the bottom line (and I'll bet a pound to a pinch of sand) is that he knows he's different. He's conscious of it, and feels like a fish out of water. This will never get better, and his discomfort may well transform into resentment - and you'll be part of that picture. And I think this isn't a good match, and he will tell you when you break up with him, that you just think you're too good for him. And sadly, the person who really already believes that - is him.
Author BlueBelleShell Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 There's a saying in the UK which goes: "You can take the girl out of Essex, but you can't take Essex out of the girl". Essex is supposed to be the cheap, redneck-type area of the UK... you know... fake nails, fake tan, fake boobs, palest pink lipstick, blonde bleached hair.... false eyelashes.... (and that's just the guys.....) What I'm saying is that a leopard can't change its spots. It's a social thing. It has more to do with class than experience. I'm sorry to use the divisive word 'class' but there's no other way of putting it. He feels awkward and uncomfortable, because he IS awkward and uncomfortable. And that will never change because he and your family are poles apart. What happened to him as a child has doubtless had an effect and has knocked his confidence. But the bottom line (and I'll bet a pound to a pinch of sand) is that he knows he's different. He's conscious of it, and feels like a fish out of water. This will never get better, and his discomfort may well transform into resentment - and you'll be part of that picture. And I think this isn't a good match, and he will tell you when you break up with him, that you just think you're too good for him. And sadly, the person who really already believes that - is him. A lot of what you said here really resonated with me, whether I liked it or not.
preraph Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Look, family isn't a good thing to him. Maybe it will be when he makes his own family, but remember who his models were. Be sure he stays sober and in therapy. I come from a competent, caring family who I nonetheless had some issues with and family isn't a bright shiny diamond to me either and I always marvel that offspring choose to spend any more time with their family than absolutely necessary. So I get it to a small extent at least, and his is much more extreme. I think since you are close to your family, you should be able to make them understand why he isn't a family person but let them know he does want to have a family of his own to do better than he got. And hopefully, they'll not put pressure on you and him. I don't think you should crowd him to spend time with them. They're YOUR family. Honestly, there are few men who would be anxious to spend a lot of time with your family beyond the required holiday fare. No one really likes to spend time with their inlaws, as a general rule. So don't force it. Your main worry should be how he plans to raise the children once you have them and whether you two can agree on a method, because him having come from extreme circumstances, he may be either too restrictive or, more likely, just believe in "setting them free." You need to have some very long talks about that right now and see if you're parenting styles are going to mesh or not.
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