Got it Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Oh I know there is a whole host of issues. I can only fix me... I can't fix him or us if he doesn't want help. It is what it is. Temporary or not. I am focusing on me now... have never done that before. Okay. How? How are you focusing on you? I don't see that based on what you have written.
Author Mal78 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Yes LadyLuck this is exactly why I am in counciling. To repair some of my esteem and confidence to make the decisions nessisary to move forward.
Author Mal78 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Okay. How? How are you focusing on you? I don't see that based on what you have written. Going to the gym daily, taking my iron religiously, going to counciling weekly and should add.... doing my hair and Make-up daily. These of course might sound like nothing but are huge steps for me!
Got it Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Yes LadyLuck this is exactly why I am in counciling. To repair some of my esteem and confidence to make the decisions nessisary to move forward. Okay then I am confused. Why are you trying to make things work with him and/or why aren't you being honest? Are you wanting to not cause a situation where a divorce would be triggered sooner than planned? Are you really thinking there is a way to repair things between the two of you? Are you just going after ego strokes and not caring for anything deeper? There is a world of difference between making it pleasant on a superficial level while you get your ducks in a row and totally different if you actually have an earnest desire to improve the marriage.
Author Mal78 Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Okay then I am confused. Why are you trying to make things work with him and/or why aren't you being honest? Are you wanting to not cause a situation where a divorce would be triggered sooner than planned? Are you really thinking there is a way to repair things between the two of you? Are you just going after ego strokes and not caring for anything deeper? There is a world of difference between making it pleasant on a superficial level while you get your ducks in a row and totally different if you actually have an earnest desire to improve the marriage. You obviously know what would work in this situation given all the factors involved. I absolutely have no idea hence why I sought out counciling with a professional to help me sort things out. I don't know what I want. I do know and as per my councilor advice I need to focus on "me" with ample homework to do this. She is very aware of the *whole* situation with Stacy. She has yet to be critical about what I did or how my dh participated. She has focused on making me better before we work outwards. I had been in a VERY dark place. I could have drank, done drugs, had an affair...ect to numb my pain. I made a choice to be dishonest to my husband. The same choice I've made for years allowing him to think it was OK to treat me the way he has.
HardAtIt Posted November 22, 2014 Posted November 22, 2014 While reading about your solution to your problem, I kept trying to decided if you were brilliant or crazy. If you pull this off I think your brilliant. If you get caught and everything blows up in your face then your just going to look crazy. I would suggest that you never tell him. I can't see anything good coming from that scenario. From the way I see it every potential outcome ends badly for you no matter how it plays out. Plus now Stacy can always come back and punish him in the future, I think she should have gone more psycho at the end, maybe threaten to send out copies of some of his messages to someone he knows, because she kept copies of them all and knows exactly who he would not want them sent to. lol. Then you could always have this conversation with your husband "what did you say that woman's name was who was texting you? Stacy? I got a very odd text message from a Stacy today she said....." ha ha.
Author Mal78 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Posted November 23, 2014 Plus now Stacy can always come back and punish him in the future, I think she should have gone more psycho at the end, maybe threaten to send out copies of some of his messages to someone he knows, because she kept copies of them all and knows exactly who he would not want them sent to. lol. Then you could always have this conversation with your husband "what did you say that woman's name was who was texting you? Stacy? I got a very odd text message from a Stacy today she said....." ha ha. The thought has crossed my mind. She did go crazy at the end. She had asked for his email and his full name came up. She searched him on fb and found out he shares an account with his wife. Stacy could message me at any point with information about his explicit texts from/with him. So it's open. He did bring it up again because he desperately wants to know *who* referred her. Talked about paying her $100 to tell him. I told him to let me have her number.... I will get it out of her. He worries she would be crazy enough to kill me.... hmmm
HardAtIt Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 "Stacy said she wanted to meet me in an abandon warehouse at midnight, I think I should go and just see what she wants to talk about." LOL. This reminds me of a guy who thought he was making threats anonymously over the internet, then someone sent him a picture of two big black guys standing in his front yard. That would really freak me out. Or Stacy could send him a picture of the back door to your house left open. I love things that look innocent to everyone else, but have a real deep meaning to just one person. ha ha Maybe he could go with you to the meeting at the warehouse and the two of you could find the picture there. Then you could work together as a team on how you were going to solve this problem. LOL. That would be priceless, just what ever you do, don't get caught.
Author Mal78 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Posted November 23, 2014 Or Stacy could send him a picture of the back door to your house left open.. Now *you* are freaking me out!! Our back door has been having issues shutting probably. Last night it was left open all night long. So my heart sank a little when you used that example. Only my husband and I would know that we are having issues with our back door. Stacy? Is that you??
HardAtIt Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 I must be a little psychic. I was thinking you should get something more out of it than just making sure your husband never sends a text to another woman for the rest of his life. Now you know how to easily get your door fixed too. lol. Maybe there are other things around the house that Stacy can get your husband to fix for you in the process. lol.
Author Mal78 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 Now you know how to easily get your door fixed too. lol. Maybe there are other things around the house that Stacy can get your husband to fix for you in the process. lol. HardAtIt... I like you!! ...or at least how you think.
Snakechammah Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 Now *you* are freaking me out!! Our back door has been having issues shutting probably. Last night it was left open all night long. So my heart sank a little when you used that example. Only my husband and I would know that we are having issues with our back door. Stacy? Is that you?? LOL... maybe HardatIt IS your husband?? (tables turned) How ironic would that be? Hehe..
Author Mal78 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 LOL... maybe HardatIt IS your husband?? (tables turned) How ironic would that be? Hehe.. That would be but it's not.... my dh doesn't know how to even operate a computer much less than know what an online forum is... so no worries there.... hehe.
autumnnight Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 The fact that you cannot see how twisted, deceptive, and cruel your thinking is makes me sad. Honestly, I think your manipulative, sectretive, hold this ace-in-the-hole for future punishment stuff is infinitely worse than his chatting with YOU (Stacy).
Author Mal78 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 The fact that you cannot see how twisted, deceptive, and cruel your thinking is makes me sad. Honestly, I think your manipulative, sectretive, hold this ace-in-the-hole for future punishment stuff is infinitely worse than his chatting with YOU (Stacy). Although it is all fun and games reality is Stacy is gone for good. I have no intentions to use her for future punishments. I might romanticized the notion I won't follow through. One Stacy encounter was enough. As cruel and twisted you may feel it was I have no regrets. I feel bad to a degree but all and all it has worked out for the better. I've learned a lot about myself, my husband, our relationship...ect I can see how others might perceive this situation and if this the worse thing any wife could possibly do to her husband then I stand guilty and burn in eternal hell being placed there by the public court of marital superiors who know the secret to a perfect marriage. Mine is far from perfect. I have no issues with what my dh talked to *Stacy* about. This was in no way me trying to "test his faith". I didn't set him up to fail. If anything I set him up to succeed. My plan, knowing my husband has worked. My husband a strong moral compass, however he was vulnerable and I aka *Stacy* played on that. She knew what to say, how to say it and although when he tried end the conversations she knew (like a longtime wife would) how to rope him in. Conclusion: he is a man with much of his emotional and physical needs weren't being met. We were stale mated because neither one of us wanted break. We both had needs that were placing our egos in front of each other. Recall what my first intentions were? I wanted to get validation however quickly (didn't go any further than a Google search) I knew that was not what I wanted. I wanted my husband, I just didn't know how to express it. So, I on a whim I came up with a plan B) My mother, did plan A) that ultimately was the demise of my parents marriage although to this day she wholeheartly blames my Father (who is very much like my husband). MSN was new, she LIVED on her computer in *her* room. My parents had separate rooms. I vowed to NEVER go on MSN or any such type social connection communities because I saw how it devistated our family. So, I went to plan B) Perhaps I can NOT end up like my Parents. So... I may be playful talking to others about *Stacy*, perhaps some couldn't possibly imagine doing what I did, perhaps some are contemplating trying it or has. All in all... it is working for us. Some people don't always agree with all aspects of others lives and relationships. I imagine we couldn't totally be a miss being married for 18 years together since I was 15 years old. It hasn't been total bliss. I have gotten grief from public opinion about when I bore children, how many I had, how young we were, that we waited a couple of years, that we *lived in sin*, that I chose to bf...ect the list goes on forever. Life choices are learning curves. I am definitely open to opinion and/or advice ie. I stopped because my bff saw it as a recipe for disaster however she has been scorned more times than one could count. She has never been married and has never had a relationship last more than 2 years. So her opinion is based on experience. Like most others. Then their are options based on projection and then there is professional opinions. Opinions (unless professional) are always free. I'll get over it... so will my dh. I'm sure he thinks about it but we have been working on *us* and all in all that is a direct reflection. I'm not dead. I'll still tease and be playful about it.
HardAtIt Posted November 27, 2014 Posted November 27, 2014 I read somewhere that to fall in love you need for things to be unpredictable, and unknown, I think this is true. You meet someone and you fall in love because you don't know what is going to happen, what they are going to do, they are unpredictable. Then the routine sets in and it gets boring, and you fall out of love with that person, and your relationship slowly grinds itself very predictably into the dirt. The way I see it, you made an effort to be unpredictable, and to try to add some spice to your relationship. I am sure a lot of people won't agree with the way you chose to do it, but let them continue down their boring dirt path, at least you tried to make it interesting.
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