M30USA Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 This thread is a support group and information place for men who seem to always wind up with mentally-ill women, especially those with Borderline Personality or Narcissism. What have your experiences been with this? Have you come to the realization that there is something in YOU which attracts such woman to you? I am convinced that these women actively seek us out. We are generally mild-mannered guys who tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and can be considered on the naive side. Women know that nobody else would "take their $hit" so they choose us. I am working on myself to not assume everyone in life has good motives. It's hard for us to do this because we, ourselves, tend to have good motives so we can't understand why others wouldn't. I'm also working on creating stronger boundaries. Any person, no matter how good, will walk all over you unless you create boundaries. Does this line up with your experiences?
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I am convinced that these women actively seek us out. We are generally mild-mannered guys who tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and can be considered on the naive side. Women know that nobody else would "take their $hit" so they choose us Yes, you are correct See (15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)) If you want some more info on NPD and BPD https://www.youtube.com/user/begood4000 - lots of good videos on dealing with narcissists from a male victim point of view, but helpful for women too. AND https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH - again lots of good videos from a life coach and psychologist who himself was the victim of a narcissist. 3
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I watched a bit of Spartan this weekend too. I also think Coach Corey Wayne is good on youtube. His is more standard dating type of tips but also it's all about setting boundaries for yourself. 2
Author M30USA Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I just read an interesting article which says another trait we have is that we don't usually open up emotionally. Because of this, we tend to attract women whose emotions are "explosive", so as to counteract and compliment our emotional reservations. If this is true, then being more expressive and honest about our feelings would actually attract equally stable women.
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Spartan explains a lot. I have not watched Corey Wayne yet - thanks for that info GemmaUK 1
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I just read an interesting article which says another trait we have is that we don't usually open up emotionally. Because of this, we tend to attract women whose emotions are "explosive", so as to counteract and compliment our emotional reservations. If this is true, then being more expressive and honest about our feelings would actually attract equally stable women. And when you broaden the not opening up emotionally that can only lead to the other making assumptions. I admit that with my last ex who was controlling that he left me speechless on occasions. Literally speechless. However in hindsight I should have gone back and questioned things more when that happened rather than him then thinking what he said was OK. However, when I was straight up and direct it would cause an argument as his expectations of me were so unrealistic and his opinion was that I should have no opinion or that my opinion should be the same as his previous ex's opinions. I wouldn't say my ex was BPD nor narcissistic as I am not qualified. He did have some of the traits of both but his main issues were insecurity combined with a big ego - don't ask - it's hard to explain! Lol! I applaud you for looking introspectively at what you can do to avoid these kinds of people. It is the only only only way to learn and grow from it. That's what I did after dating that guy as things kept coming back into my mind and I couldn't shake the thoughts of little things that happened. It was clearly my subconscious telling me I needed to learn, look it all up. read about it and absorb it so that I was better prepared next time. Out of all that I have learned the most crucial things for me are that I need to listen to and act on my instinct. Plus I need to pay real attention when a prospective partner belittles each and every one of his exes. If I had done both of those things I would have only met that guy one time and 2 weeks later he would have been history instead of 7 months and sprouting some grey hairs later. Also, apologies for chiming in here on a guys thread but toxic people can be either gender. What worries me is that I don't want to do the same to a man. I might now that I have experienced it so it's a possibility. Having said that I am much more secure in myself in recent years but also, so far I have only met that one person who treated me this way so hopefully my odds are OK. One thing I will not do is date anyone before I am ready. I find some folk move way too fast for me and that sends me running - hence I just have not dated anyone nor had romantic interest from anyone in any serious capacity since April 2013 when I finished it with my ex. It sent me down but the only other way from down is up. I've seen a few of your threads M and I think you are just about to begin your learning curve. I am almost at the end of mine. And it feels great! I just never date this close to Christmas - so it'll be a new year thing for me. You'll be OK, you just need to lay it all out and look at all you have experienced ((hugs and support)). 2
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Spartan explains a lot. I have not watched Corey Wayne yet - thanks for that info GemmaUK Beware! You might get neck ache from nodding! If I was a man struggling to date or having had any issues I would be watching Corey - just - just for common sense. We all too easily do not see common sense when we date. I don't sometimes and it can't be just me.... 1
Phoe Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I'm a woman, but tend to attract abusers, so I'll pop in here because something may end up benefitting me as well 2
carhill Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 This thread is a support group and information place for men who seem to always wind up with mentally-ill women, especially those with Borderline Personality or Narcissism. What have your experiences been with this? Have you come to the realization that there is something in YOU which attracts such woman to you? To boil it down, the same personality which made me an effective caregiver for a mentally ill person is attractive to mentally ill women. Nothing more exciting than that. I interact regularly with a BPD'er and few other men can tolerate her but I can suck her right in and we get on good as clams until a trigger word demonizes me. Being adept at avoiding trigger words is one aspect of the caregiver/caretaker personality. It's instinctive. 2
Got it Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I have seen my father struggle with this having had a mother that was definitely one of those two or both as well as a sister that was narcissistic. He has had a very hard romantic history of wanting to be a KISA to damsel in distress with emotional expectations under the surface waiting to explode. So he is emotionally unavailable but with an explosive temper. He continues to seek his mother (now deceased) acceptance and approval. He needs to be in a relationship with a victim/martyr personality to complement his need to fix as well as retain power in them "needing" him. He is very uncomfortable showing affection towards anyone, especially his children, is a very analytical person and socially reserve/introvert. Having a father like this is an emotional minefield due to the lack of communication and explosive temper and can be very bullying. It is amazing to continue to see childhood issues with a person who is a senior citizen now. 2
Author M30USA Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Anyone ever notice that you rarely see balanced relationships? There is almost always one giver and one taker in every relationship; one caring and one nasty person. Just look at most of the jerk guys. They ALWAYS end up with sweet and understanding women. ALWAYS. Gosh, is this world upside down or what.
Got it Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Anyone ever notice that you rarely see balanced relationships? There is almost always one giver and one taker in every relationship; one caring and one nasty person. Just look at most of the jerk guys. They ALWAYS end up with sweet and understanding women. ALWAYS. Gosh, is this world upside down or what. Well our children become these adults and continue to repeat childhood issues. So it isn't surprising. Part of my fear in my romantic relationships is my lack of exposure to any very healthy, loving romantic relationships. They just didn't exist in my family to learn from. I have seen many examples of what NOT to do, but little to actual emulate. I am happy with my marriage and continue to work on my relationship with my husband. The best I do is continue to communication, research, educate and learn. I remember it was far more common among my friends to have dysfunctional parental relationships than actually loving ones. Those were the wierdos! Luckily I am seeing my brother's marriage as a very real but healthy, loving one. As well as a few friends. I am seeing what is supposed to be there. But, for my siblings and I, it is really a testament to our SO's to help show the way. 1
carhill Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My exW and I had a pretty balanced relationship and she wasn't mentally ill, to my knowledge anyway. However, from analysis of actions over the years, I'd opine her attraction was fair to middling. So, perhaps, for a 'balanced' woman, a caretaker personality man trends to boring and unattractive. In my demographic, I tended to fail miserably at asking out women I found attractive and 'got to know' a bit to determine whether they were unstable or not, so had to try more 'blind' approaches to garner any success. Generally, the stable ones were already in relationships or married and the vast majority of them who were single declined my dating invitations. IMO, a person can be mentally ill and not a 'taker', although narcissists do trend to the taking side of the equation. The BPD'er I spoke of prior is tremendously generous and giving and loving when she's not hurling expletives and inanimate objects at myself. Such polar opposite behaviors, those of idolization and demonization, are hallmark of solitary or comorbid BPD. I noticed the same when caregiving, when the patient wasn't psychotic, and such was typical (loving and giving) behavior over past decades of experience. 1
Tayken Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I am convinced that these women actively seek us out. We are generally mild-mannered guys who tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and can be considered on the naive side. Women know that nobody else would "take their $hit" so they choose us. I am working on myself to not assume everyone in life has good motives. It's hard for us to do this because we, ourselves, tend to have good motives so we can't understand why others wouldn't. Well finally...good to see that someone is thinking along the same lines. You obviously haven't seen my posts about dating single parents who have their kids all the time, they are on top of that list. The latter part of your post, is something that I have always been naturally i.e. by nature. However, I was strong enough to end my marriage after 9yrs. Moving forward since then, my BS radar operates on full auto, and unlike some men, sex doesn't really impress me that much if there is no other primary incentives in it for me. I can't for the life of me see what a woman with kid(s) can have to offer me, when I have a kid of my own, a secure job and pay my own way. If am really desperate to get laid (which isn't the case), I'll pay for it or get a massage with a happy ending.
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