Getting mixed signals and my hopes were up... then I got hurt. Why guys do that?

[ktragers]

I really understand the "he's just not that into you" rationale but I guess it's hard to see it at work for real. I first met this guy online and i felt pretty strongly about him pretty quickly but he didn't feel much there with me so we became friends. I slowly accepted the idea and we got along really well as friends. About a month or so ago things took a turn toward the romantic ways when we went out to see a show and he suddenly saw me as a "more than friends" material. Of course I was happy about that. Since then we started talking way more frequently, almost daily, and our conversations got more flirty and such. We also started sending each other pictures every now and then and occasionally sexted.

 

I think guys' action speaks louder than words here. He would get really smitten when we were chatting, sometimes mentioned that he saw promising prospects for us, he rarely talked about the ex he's still getting over anymore, it was easy to talk about making plans, doing trips and getting together, he made efforts to see me although couldn't a couple of times, he made sure to connect with me still even when he went on a trip to visit family. He just appeared quite engaged and interested. However, a red flag jumped out when he told me that he's not really into a serious relationship right now with "so much going on" and also the recent ending of his last relationship. When we finally got together we had sex and although in some ways I don't regret it because I like him enough, I can't help but wonder I "gave that up" and the excitement for his chase is over.

 

I had a friend gauge some information out of him and confirmed that he's still just not that into me, that he likes me fine and all but still just enough attraction. Also, there's a girl in his class that he's REALLY interested in now and he's more into pursuing her now. I feel kinda hurt and being led on. Now I fee like I don't even know how to be friends with him anymore. He's never told me directly about his "true feelings" and I wonder if he's just letting me take a hint here? Why can't he just tell me upfront that he's not that into me and we should stay friends, etc.

[elaine567]

I had a friend gauge some information out of him and confirmed that he's still just not that into me, that he likes me fine and all but still just enough attraction. Also, there's a girl in his class that he's REALLY interested in now and he's more into pursuing her now. I feel kinda hurt and being led on. Now I fee like I don't even know how to be friends with him anymore. He's never told me directly about his "true feelings" and I wonder if he's just letting me take a hint here? Why can't he just tell me upfront that he's not that into me and we should stay friends, etc.

 

Because he is a coward and because if his pursuit of this other girl doesn't work out, he has a back up. i.e. you.

Personally I would tell him to take a hike, you need someone who is truly into you. You are wasting your time here.

[ktya]

If he was in a serious relationship with a messy breakup it is quite normal and natural for him to want to play the field and hit on anything that moves, throw out mixed signals (relationship talk) and have a lack of focus when it comes to women.

 

Either (a) forget about him and move on, or (b) aggressively persue him and have sex with him very regularly.

 

If you choose (b) eventually the sex will refocus him on you.

[elaine567]

If he was in a serious relationship with a messy breakup it is quite normal and natural for him to want to play the field and hit on anything that moves, throw out mixed signals (relationship talk) and have a lack of focus when it comes to women.

 

Either (a) forget about him and move on, or (b) aggressively persue him and have sex with him very regularly.

If you choose (b) eventually the sex will refocus him on you.

 

And when does (b) ever work out well for the girl? If he isn't into you he isn't in to you.

Of course with (b) the guy gets loads of sex whilst he is still looking around, so win-win for him.

[smackie9]

He was up front with you when he TOLD you that he wasn't into a relationship, ...but you slept with him anyways? Stop playing the victim, you knew what you were walking into.

 

He does find you attractive or he would never have been interested in talking to you or sleeping with you. So obviously, he is into you enough for something casual. And you gave him that impression when you slept with him, after he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship.

 

No crime in wanting to play the field, he did nothing wrong, he didn't lie to you or fool you.....you only fooled yourself by not listening to what he told you. Coming out and saying he wasn't into a relationship is NOT a red flag, it's an honest statement, that you should have taken into concideration before proceeding.

[Zahara]

Why can't he just tell me upfront that he's not that into me and we should stay friends, etc.

 

The thing is, he has been upfront with you in terms of how he views you and feels about you.

 

He told you when you first met. He told you he didn't feel the same way.

 

He told you just before you had sex. I'm not sure why you then had sex with him. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you.

 

Granted he was an ass for doing what he did because he knew how you felt about him. Why do you still need him to make an annoucement? And why would you want to be friends with this idiot?

[Ruby Slippers]

Read this.

 

He's not that into you, never was, and never will be. Sorry to be harsh, but it's obvious by what you've written.

 

If you want to prevent this kind of hurt in the future, be more careful and take your sweet little time about who you have sex with. It's always better to err on the side of caution, because a sincere man who really cares about you won't walk away because you're taking your time. The only men this approach will do away with are guys who aren't that into you and are just looking for a little fun, like this one.

[ktragers]

We have a trip coming up to see a musical and we were talking about how to deal with hotel stay that night. Originally we were talking about sleeping together but now I feel like I need to have some self respect and say no to sex without a commitment from him. So I said it's probably the best we get separate beds at least. We talked about where we currently stand and I mentioned that I knew he's just not that into me when he said he's not ready for a relationship. I thought he'd admit it but he went on to say that he's just slow to figure his feelings out and he's also on the fence about something, especially after how things turned out last time he's afraid of giving his heart away agin, etc.

 

So I'm kinda confused. Wouldn't admitting that he's not too into me be easier for us both? We can stay friends and he can go pursue whomever he's truly interested in? If he was afraid of hurting my feelings in the past I understand, but now I've already told him that it's fine he doesn't feel much toward me, why can't he just admit it? Is he dragging me along or is he not ready to let me go totally yet?

[fortyninethousand322]

It's not just a guy thing. Women do it too...

[Thegreatestthing]

You didn't do anything wrong by giving it up etc etc,he already said he wasn't interested in a relationship beforehand ,so the sex thing probably wouldn't have changed that.don't feel that if you did certain things he could have wanted a relationship.

 

It's hard because you like him so much,and you thought for awhile that it was reciprocated,we've all been there.At this point you don't need to know why he's lost interest etc etc,you just need to remember that's he's said a/ he didn't feel much in the beginning and b/ he's not interested in a relationship.

 

There are so many guys online,it's ridiculous you won't have any problem finding another one.

 

 

 

 

I really understand the "he's just not that into you" rationale but I guess it's hard to see it at work for real. I first met this guy online and i felt pretty strongly about him pretty quickly but he didn't feel much there with me so we became friends. I slowly accepted the idea and we got along really well as friends. About a month or so ago things took a turn toward the romantic ways when we went out to see a show and he suddenly saw me as a "more than friends" material. Of course I was happy about that. Since then we started talking way more frequently, almost daily, and our conversations got more flirty and such. We also started sending each other pictures every now and then and occasionally sexted.

 

I think guys' action speaks louder than words here. He would get really smitten when we were chatting, sometimes mentioned that he saw promising prospects for us, he rarely talked about the ex he's still getting over anymore, it was easy to talk about making plans, doing trips and getting together, he made efforts to see me although couldn't a couple of times, he made sure to connect with me still even when he went on a trip to visit family. He just appeared quite engaged and interested. However, a red flag jumped out when he told me that he's not really into a serious relationship right now with "so much going on" and also the recent ending of his last relationship. When we finally got together we had sex and although in some ways I don't regret it because I like him enough, I can't help but wonder I "gave that up" and the excitement for his chase is over.

 

I had a friend gauge some information out of him and confirmed that he's still just not that into me, that he likes me fine and all but still just enough attraction. Also, there's a girl in his class that he's REALLY interested in now and he's more into pursuing her now. I feel kinda hurt and being led on. Now I fee like I don't even know how to be friends with him anymore. He's never told me directly about his "true feelings" and I wonder if he's just letting me take a hint here? Why can't he just tell me upfront that he's not that into me and we should stay friends, etc.

[stillafool]

We have a trip coming up to see a musical and we were talking about how to deal with hotel stay that night. Originally we were talking about sleeping together but now I feel like I need to have some self respect and say no to sex without a commitment from him. So I said it's probably the best we get separate beds at least. We talked about where we currently stand and I mentioned that I knew he's just not that into me when he said he's not ready for a relationship. I thought he'd admit it but he went on to say that he's just slow to figure his feelings out and he's also on the fence about something, especially after how things turned out last time he's afraid of giving his heart away agin, etc.

 

So I'm kinda confused. Wouldn't admitting that he's not too into me be easier for us both? We can stay friends and he can go pursue whomever he's truly interested in? If he was afraid of hurting my feelings in the past I understand, but now I've already told him that it's fine he doesn't feel much toward me, why can't he just admit it? Is he dragging me along or is he not ready to let me go totally yet?

 

Wouldn't it have been easier for you to wait to have sex after he told you he's not ready for a relationship and because he just got out of one? I agree with others who said he was upfront with you but you still chose to sleep with him. Why didn't you wait until you knew it was you he wanted to be with? As far as your trip is concerned it is a really bad idea to share a room with him, separate beds or not. You know he doesn't want you but you are putting yourself in a position to have more unmeaningful sex with him. Find someone else to share a room with or buy your own but don't sleep in the room with him or you'll look desperate for his attention.

[snowflakes88]

Either (a) forget about him and move on, or (b) aggressively persue him and have sex with him very regularly.

 

If you choose (b) eventually the sex will refocus him on you.

 

I'm sorry, but this is horrible advice. OP, please don't even consider that route.

[snowflakes88]

So I'm kinda confused. Wouldn't admitting that he's not too into me be easier for us both? We can stay friends and he can go pursue whomever he's truly interested in? If he was afraid of hurting my feelings in the past I understand, but now I've already told him that it's fine he doesn't feel much toward me, why can't he just admit it? Is he dragging me along or is he not ready to let me go totally yet?

 

But why would he? He gets sex and has you around to nurture him emotionally, and he doesn't have to invest anything tangible (e.g., exclusivity, a commitment, etc.) in return. There's simply no incentive for him to tell you the truth when he's already set up in a sweet situation for him. He was honest with you about not wanting anything serious and has been honest with your friend about his interest in someone else, as well as his lack of interest in you. I don't know how much more you could need. I know it's tough, but the longer you let this drag on, the more hurt you will be. Sometimes you have to accept a person's actions as the answer when they are too cowardly to give you the gift of their words.

[Ruby Slippers]

Wouldn't admitting that he's not too into me be easier for us both? We can stay friends and he can go pursue whomever he's truly interested in?

You've already had sex with him even after he made it clear he's not that into you, so he's hoping that will continue. But he's not going to come out and say it. He's going to keep pretending that he's "confused", "afraid", blah blah, so you'll think maybe you have some chance of winning him over.

 

He is pursuing the other girl he's really interested in.

 

You're going to have to walk away. He's not going to walk away from the possibility of sex with no commitment on his part.

[ktragers]

I understand that. The thing is -- and I'm not sure if he knows this -- that I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am (well, I guess besides the having slept with him already part, I get it). He's been in a similar situation before where the girl was so willingly to sleep with him MULTIPLE times all the while knowing he was "not ready for a relationship," aka not that into her. In the end the girl got really hurt and their friendship went down the drain too so he said he really wants to avoid repeating that situation now with me. I said I appreciate it but I'm certainly not putting my life on hold for this crap. I'll go out and date other people and move on with my life. He can do whatever he wants but at least now I don't want our friendship to be ruined yet. So yes I guess I made a mistake by sleeping with him too early, but I'm certainly not going to sleep with him again without a commitment here.

 

Also what's interesting is the other day he texted me something and I was talking to my parents on the phone so I replied to him kinda late without telling him why. I think he got "concerned" and wondered if was on a date with someone else or doing something else with other people, so he asked how I was that evening, and I said I'd been in a great mood lately. Then he very eagerly asked why so happy other than good things going on at work, and I just said the usual, and people in my life, etc. Again I'm not trying to play games with him but in retrospect it feels like he gets more hooked/interested when he realizes you're actually not just pining over him constantly, and that you have an exciting life without him. Blah ... I'm actually writing about this way more than I think about it, but it does bother me a little bit and I feel like if I talk to him about my thoughts from all these threads it'd get really ugly lol ... like he's such as ass, etc.

[Leigh 87]

You are thinking too much about it.

 

He really just isn't that into you...

 

Stop reading into things like wondering whether or not he was "jealous" about you and other men.. Please.

 

He just isn't into you!

 

My EX got jealous of me and other men - and he wasn't that into me for the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP!!

 

Boy was he upset when I first had sex after we broke up! But yeah, men get jealous at times even over girls they are not that into - it is an ego thing I think! Nothing more, nothing less...

 

If he was into you he:

 

- wouldn't pursue other women

 

-he'd confess it to his friend albeit not in a fluffy manner ("yeah, I am pretty into her I guess!" or " well I guess I am very interested, for sure")

 

- would want a relationship with you even though he is getting over a break up......my friend went out with her current fiancé immediately after her break up because she just "knew" her feelings for him were special.

 

- he wouldn't be ambiguous about his feelings for you. Men do not get "confused" or " scared" about women they are truly interested in...

 

After a man has sex, how they feel about you is cemented; they either feel a true connection, or you are just FWB type material... good for sex and company but nothing deeper.

 

I recommend you to improve your self esteem ( I joined a gym, made new friends, got my hair done and made myself look nicer!) and then be open to men who are actually into you.