Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I've been dating my GF for nearly two years now. I'm 24, she's 23. About a week ago she came to me crying because she's had enough of my criticizing, and making her feel bad; she is just unhappy with the relationship and herself right now. She said she wants to take a break to find what makes her happy again. I was ok with this at first and respected her space, but after a couple days it really started to hit me: I could be losing this girl forever. So like an idiot, I completely broke down and poured my heart out to her. We met up this past weekend to talk, and again I broke down in front of her telling her how sorry I am, and that I never really meant to hurt her. She asked me why I said things to her to put her down and make her feel like crap, and I couldn't give her a good answer. We decided then to stay broken up and in 2 weeks we were going to meet again. I know she still loves me and cares about me, but I don't want things to change over the next two weeks. 99% of the time I'm great to her, but that doesn't excuse the 1% where I've hurt her. I've done a lot of self reflecting, and I think I put her down sometimes because I'm projecting my own insecurities on her, I want to feel a sense of power and control over her, and I know now that this is no way to treat someone you care deeply about. I want to tell her these things immediately, but I'm trying my hardest to not contact her. I feel so much regret and pain for hurting her, and pushing her to break up with me. I want to be the person she fell in love with, I want to be a better man, I want to show her that I'm taking this very serious and I can and want to change. Does anyone have any experiences like this? All I'm looking for is a second chance. I know we can be happy together. Because we have been, and usually are. The past couple of weeks before this all happened we were getting along great, I took her to a show for her birthday, everything seemed perfect before it all came crashing down. I just need some advice on how I can show her how truly sorry I feel, and how I want to show her I can be better.
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Wold you recognize the bad things as they are happening, or preferably before? If so, learn to bite your tongue so you don't say the bad stuff.
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I think I would recognize them now, and she has really made it loud and clear about changing. I know I can. I don't want her to change how she feels about me over these next 2 weeks. I want so badly to reach out to her, but that might just push her away further.
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't know what to tell you about reaching out. I think "breaks" are stupid & immature. They are a way for the person asking for them to "test drive" being single while letting the other person dangle as a back up plan. Given your ages & the amount time you have spent together I suspect that her desire for this break has more to do with her wondering if this relationship is over. It's about that time. Sorry. Based on that, logic tells me you should talk to her. Communication can fix a problem. Two weeks of silence only makes things worse. That said, I am not a typical woman. I like direct communication. Many young women are far more passive aggressive & you could very well end up in a situation where she breaks up with you for not respecting the 2 week "break" she asked for. You know her. I don't.
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 She has always been very honest with me and also very sensitive. I'd like to think that part of this has to do with her having mild OCD. She's had times in the past where she just gets into a funk, and her OCD really gets to her. Usually last 2-3 weeks. She also just started a new job that has been stressful on her. I'm hoping she'll take a few days, calm down, and realize what she's missing but I just don't know. 1
Chi townD Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Somehow, I get the feeling that you were burned pretty bad in the past. Therefore, you always kept her at an arms length. There's a good definition of love. Love is to literally give your heart to someone else and trusting them enough not to break it. I have a feeling you were always too afraid to give her your heart. I could be wrong...but, I've seen this pattern before.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 What exactly were you criticizing her about?
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Just stupid stuff; her not saving money, unhealthy habits, I'd get passive aggressive sometimes with her. Just little things. Nothing like saying she's ugly, or worthless. I've always had the best of intentions for her.
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Somehow, I get the feeling that you were burned pretty bad in the past. Therefore, you always kept her at an arms length. There's a good definition of love. Love is to literally give your heart to someone else and trusting them enough not to break it. I have a feeling you were always too afraid to give her your heart. I could be wrong...but, I've seen this pattern before. You're right here. I was treated badly by an ex about 5 years ago. She would say and do things to make me feel very insecure about our relationship. She broke my heart. I think something inside me changed, so that I wanted to feel like I always had the power, I wanted to be the one in control...and at the end of it all I still lost the one I love.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I think it may be of great benefit to you to seek some form of therapy or counselling. Even if things don't pan out as wished with this relationship (naturally, I hope they do) it would still be a good idea to work through to a remedy. I think you've established the cause/origin of your attitude. I know you also want to, and believe you can change. But it's possible some therapy may also add to the mix in a positive way.
Invictus01 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Hey man, not to be a Debbie Downer (especially since I am myself going through down times) but from what I have seen in the past in my friends' relationships, when a relationship breaks down because she thinks she wasn't treated right, that is pretty damn tough to overcome...
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Yeah, but like I said. It's not like I was a horrible boyfriend. I was amazing to her, 99% of the time. She adored me. Couldn't go more than a few hours without texting me. I just feel like those feelings couldn't have vanished all of a sudden.
Rainah Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Is it possible she might have been seeing or talking to another guy?
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 No, I know her to well. I asked and she said no, she's way too honest to lie to me. She told me if I wanted to I could see other people, she doesn't want me to live my life waiting for her. This is her being too nice again. Plus we hang out nearly every single day after work and on weekends, so idk where she'd find the time.
tikay00 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No, I know her to well. I asked and she said no, she's way too honest to lie to me. She told me if I wanted to I could see other people, she doesn't want me to live my life waiting for her. This is her being too nice again. Plus we hang out nearly every single day after work and on weekends, so idk where she'd find the time. Yeah, she's seeing someone else bro. Or she's been emotionally cheating on you for a minute. The, "I don't want you to wait for me, and it's okay for you to see other people" is basically a break up.
lauri Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Hey man I hate to tell you but this is done. With her saying "its okay for you to date other people" means she is no longer romantically interested in you and she has checked out. She is using your past decisions/comments to play herself out as the victim and that you are in the wrong. Pretty much, she has shifted all the blame to you and has made you the "issue". But in all honesty, its both of you that probably aren't compatible or she found someone else. I strongly suggest you disappear. She wants to meet in 2 weeks time? You cancel. She wants to talk? You ignore. You aren't a puppy who is going to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. Also, you begging and trying to win her back only validated her decision and she is now happy to know she has you around as a safety net as she dates other dudes. She made her decision and now its time for you to make her realize what she chose to do is real. You go NC and you protect yourself. Its only a matter of time until things start to come out that will hurt you. She's lost you bro, you havent lost her. Remember that.
Standard-Fare Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Although this relationship sounds like it's on very shaky ground, if she's willing to see you again at the end of these two weeks then she's either a) at least somewhat open to the idea of reconciliation or b) respectful enough toward you that she wants to provide with you with closure. Of course you're going to be hoping for Option A, and you might as well express to her how you feel. Tell her exactly what you've written here about your self-reflecting on your past mistakes. But also suggest ways to improve in the future. Like, if she catches you acting that way any time again (and you're not aware of your behavior), she should call you on it right then and there and you guys can work it out immediately. Rather than her letting her anger build up. She could already be too far gone to want to hear this type of stuff, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
Author Mzakflip40 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Then should I just reach out to her now instead of delaying for 2 weeks?
Standard-Fare Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Then should I just reach out to her now instead of delaying for 2 weeks? Nope. She asked for the two weeks, right? Respect that. And consider it positive that she's even open toward meeting up with you again then. You said you've already "poured your heart out" and begged a couple of times, so it's definitely best to let things rest right now and give her some space. You both need that space.
Diezel Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Who established the two weeks timeline? Her? You know what... those things you "criticize" her for, don't seem that unreasonable, to be honest. Maybe it's in the way you said those things. I don't think that prompts her asking for a break with a timeline or a deadline on it. Something else is going on here. And did you honestly think that asking her if she is cheating on you is going to prompt an honest answer? Usually when I see something like that, what it means is a person will take those two weeks of being single to try someone else... if it doesn't, they come right back. Might not be the case... but the timeline is pretty odd in of itself. The best thing you could do is call this break a permanent break up. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Her telling you to see other people is not promising. The only time I've ever said this to a guy was when I knew I wasn't going back, because I'd lost those feelings. Leave her alone for now. Until further notice, I'd consider this a break-up and not a break.
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Because she has given you permission to see other people, this relationship is over. Her complaints about how you treated her are just an excuse. Under these circumstances, there is no need to wait the two weeks. Speak to her now. Explain that you would prefer a chance to prove you can do better but if she's planning on seeing somebody else, which is what this sounds like, you'd rather a clean break.
Strength in Healing Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Your assessment of why you behave in such a way is quite good. I would wager without knowing you better, that you are likely correct. I had the same problem about the past 5-6 years. These days it still pops up. So you thinking 2 weeks is going to do anything will leave you in for a cold awakening. I am getting a doctorate in psychology and even I have trouble recognizing and controlling it. Let her go and seek professional help. The problem will continue otherwise, again and again.
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