Girlfriend doesnt fancy me?

[mattjord]

Hi all

 

2nd topic i have posted on here, thanks to all those who replied to the last one, i think the problem is perhaps deeper than i first thought.

 

Basically as the topic says, i dont think my girlfriend actually fancies me and i want peoples advice if they think this is changeable.

 

Just to give brief background, both mid 30's, live seperate, no kids for any of us, been together around 18 months. I love this girl so much and she makes me very happy and i know the feeling is mutual but i think we have a problem.

 

In the early stages of our relationship we had a problem with full sex, that was down to me not been able to perform and that almost set the tone as our sex life has been poor despite my best attempts to change things, we are very affectionate and loving but there has never been that stage of real passion of where you want to tear each others clothes off, at it like animals sort if thing!

 

I should say i fancy her more than anything in the world but i dont feel she thinks the same about me, I am a regular guy, never had no trouble attracting girls or had any problems or doubts like this in the past but i just dont think my looks and personality get her going physically, its one of the hardest things loving somebody and fancying them like mad but feeling they only feel partly the same back.

 

I reguarly tell her how gorgeous and sexy she is (she has some confidence issues as it would appear i do too by posting this message) because i think she is and i try to make her feel special because she is, she does things to make me feel great but not on a attraction front. I should also say that i will also tell her when i dont agree with her on things, i am no door mat!

 

To give examples, she very rarely compliments me, she has no photos of me on her screensavers, facebook, etc and in the bedroom, she no longer seems to have any real interest in pleasuring me and hasnt done for ages, its probably once every few months.

 

In general she doesnt seem that bothered about sex, from time to time i pleasure her and she enjoys it but its usually me iniating it and a lot of those times she just wants a cuddle instead, not only that anytime i send her a suggestive or flirty message she never acknowledges it, its like i never said anything and i think this combined with the above points to maybe she doesnt fancy me.

 

I know from her exes and people on the tv she likes she has always gone for the muscley type and the person who is a bit mean and moody who can be an a**ehole, i am not like that, i am a nice, fun, cheeky man and i will never change, i dont want to and i dont think she would want me too, but i also know that it probably isnt going to get her going physically.

 

Her past relationships were very bad, as stated she was with idiots who controlled her, and I think compared to them i am the perfect man for her in that i love her, i make her happy, i am reliable, i will be a good dad when we have kids, her family and friends like me, etc i like that in one way she sees me that way but i also dont want to be just seen as safe and boring (i dont mean boring personality wise, i mean the status) i want her see me as sexy too and i dont see how it can change.

 

Its not something i have ever had a problem with before and it has raised insecurities i never knew i had, i am what i am and girls have always enjoyed that about me and fancied me, however a few little comments she makes suggest that she doesnt fancy me, yet i am the same as when i first met her (i could do with losing a few pounds but i was like this when we met) the trouble is i know if i ask her she would never admit it, she would just say i was being stupid.

 

I should add she treats me amazing in every other way, i know she loves me which makes all this even harder, if we didnt like each other could almost understand it! She is very affectionate as in kissing, cuddling, holding hands, PDA so i dont think i repulse her or anything i just not sure i get her excited sexually.

 

Any advice is welcome, I almost feel there isnt much i can personally do, i love this girl more than anything and i dont want to not be with her, but i also dont want to be a couple that has sex on a birthday once a year, i want her to see me the same way as i see her.

Edited November 17, 2014 by mattjord

[evanescentworld]

And when you actually spoke about this to her, what has she said...?

 

I take it you have talked about this with her....?

[mattjord]

We have spoke about our sex life a few times and she always says things will get better, they infact have got worse.

 

First proper chat she said we would be okay and to forget about it, i tried to make more efforts and she didnt respond so had another chat.

 

The next chat i convinced myself it was solely down to me, she didnt do much to reassure me and just said she would support me and that she thought if the erection problem bothered me that much i should go the docs (she said it didnt bother her at all) Although the erection problems had been nearly a year 9 months prior to that, she said it was in my head. I went the docs got viagra (3 x months ago) and they still not been touched despite my attempts and if anything she has gone off sex even more.

 

Had a chat a couple of months ago again and she said she had lost confidence and didnt like the way she looked, i think there is something in that, i reguarly tell her how gorgeous and beautiful she is (because she is) but if she doesnt feel it herself i understand that may not make her feel sexy. Also i think there is possibly she is worried about me feeling under pressure to perform so i take that into account too.

 

The problem is, despite her saying stuff that things will get better, things actually get worse and she doesnt really do much to change or seem bothered by it, she is dieting which i am fully supporting her with (although she doesnt need too) but before even if occasionally she seemed to have some interest, now she doesnt seem interested at all.

 

I am no sex pest i should add, i am far from blameless because at the start i felt i messed things up by not being able to perform, i am not blaming her or saying i am at fault or she is at fault, its a joint thing, the difference is i have tried hard to make things better because i want that passon and intimacy but i think its the fact she doesnt seem to have any interest in things getting better that concerns me, it feels like she just doesnt fancy me.

[evanescentworld]

Ok, well, sorry, let's cut to the chase.

 

You can cite all the most wonderful qualities she has, how you feel, what she does do for you and anything else you want, but it's all just leaves in the wind.

 

you've reached a fork in the road.

 

One is signposted "stayandsuckitup" the other is signposted "cutmylossesandleave".

 

That's frankly, what it comes down to.

 

Which one you'll now pick. Because it's high time you chose one or the other.