BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I came out of a very long relationship back in June of this year; his reasons were unclear - we split up after what seemed to be a very trivial argument, and then claimed that we argued all the time, which to be frank was not quite true. I took the breakup in my stride; I maintained minimal contact until late August this year, I saw other people to take my mind off of the relationship I had lost, took up a new fitness regime and generally filled every waking moment of my time to help me get over this relationship. Out of the blue on the bank holiday weekend of August he sent a long, over emotional text message in the early hours of the morning. He knew I was at a party with friends, and the text was along the lines of how much he misses me, how much he misses certain aspects of our relationship and how he doesn't know if any of this is right. I went absolutely ballistic, I called him and told him that he has no right to say these things after walking away from me - That it is normal to miss me, we were together a long time after all. And despite my words of strength... I caved. Since then we have been seeing a lot of each other. His visits to me are getting longer and longer (whereas before he would come and go on the same day, he then started staying the night, a few nights... most recently he was here from Wednesday through till Sunday) and we are basically acting like a couple again. I am trying to remain positive through this... I have still seen other people since he came back into my life, but why can I not let him go?! I know that I am almost like his 'dirty little secret', I know that he does not tell his friends back home that he is seeing me . . . a mutual friend tagged us on Facebook and he would not allow the tag to appear on his public profile, yet when he is here it is all cuddles, kisses, wanting to hold my hand and sleep together. The irony is he had the best of both worlds when we were together; I was more than happy to have an open relationship, we were in a long distance, we saw each other when we could - I bent over backwards to try to make the relationship work and made a lot of personal sacrifice, and ultimately he walked away from me over an argument where several witnesses agreed he was in the wrong. I know this is not healthy, and my logic is that I am leaving the country for 6 months in December. But it is now getting to the point that I am starting to not look forward to my trip because I feel like I will miss him while I am away! My friends are telling me that the time and space from him will be good - due to time zone differences we will be on totally different days most of the time. I still feel mentally quite strong about this whole scenario. My best friend sent me an Email yesterday to say 'looks like a bf, sounds like a bf, walks like a bf... must be a bf' on the topic of my ex and I, and I know she is not the only one who thinks it. We are behaving like a couple without the title. Ultimately, this is going to end in heartache and hurt, however good it feels right now?!
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Some things are confusing; why is this being kept secret? WHat's his problem, exactly? Why do you automatically presume and assume this is going to end in heartache? Why not actually flip this, call him out on the secrecy, declare it an 'on' thing again, and work bloody hard to make it work this time? 1
Author BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Oh I have called him out on it - I have told him I am his dirty little secret, I don't particularly want to push too hard, especially not with my trip looming in the distance (I am away 5 and a half months so probably not wise to declare anything as back on just yet...) I would LOVE to know what his problem is. I think the boy has commitment issues but he won't admit to that. He talks about his mother being just fine in her 50s as a single woman (the same woman who drinks far too much and takes a lot of anti depressants) His mother has had several marriages and three children by two different fathers, so I think he has probably seen a lot of relationships go sour in his upbringing . . . The other day when he dropped the line 'I don't know if what we are doing is right, we are not meant to be together but I still miss you and cae for you' I just responded with 'by what standards are we to judge this?' as far as I am concerned a deep, emotional connection transcends the pair of us as physical beings. I just wish I knew what his problem was with keeping it a secret... if he cannot tell his friends that he sees me, sleeps with me and enjoys my company then are these really friends at all... probably not.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 You made the mistake of letting him back into your life, and he ever-increasingly crept in, bit by bit, until he's got you where he wants you. I'm awfully sorry, but you hold your own destiny in your hands, and if you enjoy fence-sitting and putting it bluntly, being a convenient companion (whence he gets all his emotional/physical needs met) where you are walking on shaky ground, then if I were you, - much as it may hurt, and painful as it may be to do - I'd cut your losses (because currently, you're losing out here) and end this. EITHER: He steps up to the plate, calls it what it is - a relationship - and commits and dedicates his commitment to it, notwithstanding the imminent separation - OR: You quit being his Chatelaine, and grab your dignity and self-respect, hold them high and not put up with his nonsense. Your uncertainty is because you don't know where you stand with him. Well don't let him be the one to make that decision. Show him where he stands with you. 3
whatcanitellyou Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 What is the chance that you're a booty call?
Author BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I know . . . you are exactly right. I fear that he is NEVER going to step up to the mark; we have different ideals... I want someone whom I can love and who is not going to hide that from the world; I want to be more than a convenience. Literally he has wormed his way back in . . . from spending just a few hours with me, to a night, to almost a week. He always runs back. And I always fall for it - my problem is I still believe in love and romance, and believe that it could still work. And totally blind myself to other opportunities, other relationships and other people because he is the one stealing my attention. Back to the drawing board for me I guess; a pseudo relationship is never going to be anything but toxic... best to remove the venom before it consumes me!
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Yes. You have to stop this, end it and call a complete helt to it. And you're right - it's going to take strength. Just as much as if you were coming off heroin. In fact, apparently a love affair has the same effect on the brain as a narcotic drug does. And coming out of this situation will be exactly like going Cold Turkey. You'll need support, cooperation from mutual friends, (no news, no updates, no what he said, did or asked....) and a sympathetic ear to talk to. We can provide part of that, here, but - can you do it?
broken2828 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Being a side chick or a fun buddy isnt romantic. You deserve respect and acknowledgement.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My guess is that you're not his only option. You're the most consistent and available one, though. 1
Author BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 What is the chance that you're a booty call? I don't think I am a booty call, as he lives 200 miles away. However, it is somewhat convenient that I happen to live quite close to his uni in London. But then at the same time he could have gone to a uni closer to where he lives, and instead chose the one near me? hmmm... I don't know. I know that my friends will respect whatever decision I make, and have in fact told me that I should probably not be doing what I am doing with him - I am very much the sort of person who wants to love someone, to commit to someone and share my life with. What sucks is I was doing so well. 3 months passed; we saw each other once (entirely unplanned and by accident at a music festival) but other than that there was very little contact apart from if absolutely necessary.. He seemed to come running back right when he saw that my life was running just fine without him. I suppose my upcoming trip to the other side of the world next month will be the best thing to happen; enforced distance and no contact. As I said before though; the whole situation has now made me feel less excited about what should be the trip of a lifetime Why must some people be such absolute A55Hol3s
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't think I am a booty call, as he lives 200 miles away. However, it is somewhat convenient that I happen to live quite close to his uni in London. But then at the same time he could have gone to a uni closer to where he lives, and instead chose the one near me? hmmm... I don't know. Just because you're closer doesn't mean this Uni was a second option... On the whole, it could be the better Uni.... My step-son was offered 3 universities. he chose the one farthest away from his home, because it had far better amenities, extracurricular activities, social circles, and tuition times. .... He seemed to come running back right when he saw that my life was running just fine without him. No schytt, Sherlock..... I suppose my upcoming trip to the other side of the world next month will be the best thing to happen; enforced distance and no contact. As I said before though; the whole situation has now made me feel less excited about what should be the trip of a lifetime If I were you, I'd be champing at the bit. Untold possibilities and adventures await you - and no emotional yo-yo-ing.... Just you, responsible for you, with no strings being pulled....!? Look if you're having second thoughts - I'LL go!! Why must some people be such absolute A55Hol3s Because there are always willing people to suck in....
Author BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Yeah you are right, this trip is the best thing for me right now . . . he can hardly just show up or call me when we are on totally different time zones! I guess if I nip this in the bud now, by the time I come back it will have been 6 months and given the amount of places I am to visit, hopefully have completely removed him from my head...! I still will never get my head around why they come back when everything is going really well though. It's an absolute mystery to me . . . I am friends with all of my exes (granted, we had been apart for much, much longer before the olive branch was offered) but never had any desire to go back to any of them. I'm just a silly, romantic fool that needs to man up . . . !
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 the reason they come back is because they miss the attention. They want you to want them. and if you show you're getting over them, it's a blow to the ego. I would hastily add it does work the other way too (women coming back into men's lives) but I think it's slightly more common with guys putting in a re-appearance. They can't bear to not be needed any more. So they sweet-talk their way back in - and become indispensable again. In the meantime, they get their rocks off. neat trick, huh?
Author BWFMT Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I've fallen for it hook, line and sinker... I guess at least I have not stopped doing any of the things that I started doing to get over the relationship, and I have circles of friends he is not involved in now which is even better... He threw a complete strop when he was in London the other week because I 'ignored him at a nightclub' - I was out with my friends, not him - he did not like that explanation. Now it makes sense - He wants to have his cake and eat it. He had that chance, and screwed it up . . . !
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Look at it this way: Mess with me once, more fool you. mess with me twice, more fool me. Mess with me a third time - you really think I'm THAT dumb? You live and learn. See him in his true colours, and start really enjoying the forthcoming trip! Right Now! End it, do not see him again from now on, speak to him, accommodate him, put him up for the night, answer his calls, be 'in' for him, or respond to anything, any time, any more!!
Author BWFMT Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Yup, well and truly played... he gets everything he needs from this whilst I am left wanting. If he wants to play pretend, keep the fact he sees me a secret from his friends back home, come here and play house but not actually have me as anything to him then I will be nothing to him. I totally ignored his texts yesterday, and shall do the same today, tomorrow and for the rest of the time before my trip... not the easiest thing to do, but has to be done!
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