Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Sorry for one more question, there are a couple things I want to address separately so it's not a big old mess. My....ex has two sons, almost 13 and 10. Over the span of the last nine months, we have become close (I met them one month in, earlier than he or I thought but it felt right). I love those boys as well, in addition to loving my ex. They have become much closer to me, especially the oldest...he would sit on the couch and put his head on my shoulder, I always get (got) hello, goodbye, and goodnight hugs. We all had nicknames for each other. The younger one, although more shy, would ask first thing in the morning when he got up, why I wasn't there on the mornings I wasn't (more often I was). I hate not knowing what he told them about why I wasn't there this weekend. I will miss them, also. How do you deal with this? I've never dated a guy with kids before (despite being in my mid-thirties) and I did not anticipate this part, either (I didn't anticipate any of it, but that's beside the point). And what role, IF any, does/could this play on what my ex decides to do from here on out?
Familia Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I cannot offer much support although know exactly how you are feeling, my ex of seven years has a son whom was in my life from 3 until 10 years old, he treated me as his father and called me his step father, she out of the blue called it off two weeks, so I am in two weeks of NC at the moment. Outside of missing her everyday I also miss the son - and I wonder what is it that she is telling him in regards to him not seeing me in the past weeks or future. Certainly makes things every difficult not only breaking up with one but two relationships.
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Thank you, Familia, just knowing I'm not alone helps. We've gone through a break up/separation before, and the boys became much more affectionate after I came back. I think they missed me. Breaks my heart that it's happening again. And I do wonder if he'll see some of the "family" aspect in considering the future. It's one thing to find someone else to ****, it's another to find someone you can introduce to your children. I'm sorry you're hurting, too.
Familia Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Cherrybreeze - as much as this sounds terrible its nice knowing I am dealing with this with another, regardless of where in the world you're. I find it so much harder grieving over the loss of a partner but also children in your life that you have become so attached too. With my situation is was only a week before she broke it all off that she had asked if she and child can move in with me, which I had whole heartedly agreed too and bam its over I no longer want to see you again, I did go to her place only to have the door shut on my saying we are done its over I dont want to see you again, so I have been NC since then, going on two weeks now
Raena Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't know your whole story, like how long were you dating before you split? But this is one of the obstacles of ending a relationship when there are kids involved that aren't yours. It's also a very good reason to wait 6 months to a year before meeting the children. I helped my ex raise his first son, off and on for 11 years. I came to think of him as my own (step)son, but now he's gone. He's 18 now and I could conceivably talk to him if I wanted to but I feel awkward about it. I don't want to put him in the middle of any issues my ex and I are having but I miss him terribly so I get where you are coming from. Sorry this is happening to you and to those two boys. Hopefully their father will be less willing to introduce his partners to his sons until it's clear that it may work out in the long run. In the meantime, rest assured that the children will be fine. They'll miss you, but they probably won't forget you either if you made a good impression on them.
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Doesn't sound terrible. I'm just glad it's relatable. I met him in February, so not long in the grand scheme. Things were just so RIGHT, immediately, and while I realize now he has deep trust issues, I think he looks for reasons to run away. It WAS fast for me to meet the boys, and I'm surprised he suggested it, but I trusted his judgment. Over time, we've all gotten close and became a hell of a team. Like I said, his oldest has been particularly attached, and I miss them already. He wasn't "scheduled" to have them this weekend, but he did anyway (based on FB posts), and I wonder what he told them. The oldest's birthday is in a couple weeks and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. For never wanting to be a "stepmom" it sure felt good.
Familia Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Whats your email - if you would like to chat about it, I would prefer email someone then her when I am feeling down
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Whats your email - if you would like to chat about it, I would prefer email someone then her when I am feeling down I'm not sure if I can PM, since I am new here. I don't see the option?
Familia Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) Updated as cannot share personal details as per guidelines Edited November 17, 2014 by Familia
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I'm not sure if pm'ing is an option here yet, I'm too new. Maybe if we both post more we'll get there. In any case, Familia, post on this thread if need be!
Rainah Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I have never dated anyone with children but I can imagine since being close to the child and feeling like another parent because of helping raise that child it would feel like loosing your own in a way or at least feel like a missing puzzle piece as well as suffering from a heart break.
Jet Lag Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I feel for you guys. My exes kids have told me I am like a Mum to them. The younger one sometimes calls me Mum and tells everyone I am his Mum and my kids are his siblings. I am lucky enough to still have contact with them even since the separation. Not sure it is good for me though. I was lying in bed the other day hearing his son in my living room and couldn't help thinking, "You took my family. The boys are meant to live here." The kids were unaware of our relationship even though it continued for four years. Not sure what he has told them since our separation. They obviously know something is going on as we no longer hang out together. I must admit, I am petrified of the time they come and tell me their Dad has a new partner (because I presume it will be pretty serious by the time he introduces her to the kids).
Mi7522 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I'm feeling for all of you, I had something similar. I was dating a girl since May who also had two small children. I was the first guy to meet them and her family since her and her ex separated 5 years ago. I met her kids (her decision) after the first month. We even spent a weeks holiday together. About 2 months ago she told me she needed space. I have been NC for the last month as wonder as well what she has told them. Her daughter I heard from a mutual friend is having a tough time with it. It's definitely hard to go from seeing them all the time to nothing at all.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 .....How do you deal with this? I've never dated a guy with kids before (despite being in my mid-thirties) and I did not anticipate this part, either (I didn't anticipate any of it, but that's beside the point). Sadly, there's nothing to 'deal with'. As far as his kids are concerned, they have no rights, with regard to contact with you, and you have no rights with regard to continued contact with them. And what role, IF any, does/could this play on what my ex decides to do from here on out? Totally immaterial. There's no role to speak of. However, there is nothing to say that you cannot write them a letter, and be a friend to them. What their father would think, and what control he would see fit to exert on them, with regard to responding to you, is an unknown. I don't know whether he could forbid them from connecting with you as a friend, if they wanted to, any more than he might, say, forbid them form seeing a schoolfriend outside school. The situation is of course, slightly different. I won't advise you what to do. I just see the above as a possible option, but only you can decide if you'd try it, or see it viable....
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 One of my ex's had a high school aged son. I had helped that kid through his uncle's break-up & how to deal with the Uncle's Ex when the son & I ran into her one day while we were out. Based on that experience I asked to talk to the son when we broke up so I could say good-bye & explain that the break up had nothing to do with the son. A few years later the father (my EX) passed away. The son actually reached out to forge a relationship with me because he remembers my relationship with his dad as a happy time in his life. I wouldn't say we're close but I probably here from the now adult son about once per year & we're FB friends. These kids are fairly young. Perhaps you could ask for one last chance to say good bye but the father might not be willing to let you see them. This is one instance where I think a short note might be OK. I do mean short, then send it to dad asking him to give it to the kids. I'm thinking something along the lines of Dear Kids By now you know that your Dad & I are no longer dating. What happened between us was grown up stuff that you need not worry about. However I wanted you to know that I enjoyed spending time with you both & you are both great young men. I will miss you but it's best that we all go our separate ways. I wish you both the very best in life. Fondly, Cherry Breeze
BC1980 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I was basically a mom to my ex's son from ages 8-11. His mother died when he was 2, so I was basically the only mother figure he knew. I actually spent more time with my ex's son than with my ex due to his work schedule, so it was tough when he broke up with. I saw his son as my own and planned on adopting him when we got married. I never would have gotten that close to him if I didn't think the relationship would end in marriage. Sadly, you have to let the kids go. Unless the kids are older, sporadic contact would confuse them. It would be more painful for you as well. Most of the advice I was given said to cut contact with my ex's son, so I followed that advice. I think it has been the most beneficial for all parties that there is no more contact.
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Thanks for the replies, everybody. I do know that those relationships will be severed as well, it's just hard. I'm still friends with them both on Facebook (as well as the ex), I'll remove them when I'm ready if they don't do it first. I'm not ready yet. Haven't moved past reconciliation hope yet, it is way too soon for that. It helps to know that others' know the feeling (not that I'm happy anyone has to go through it). I've never been in this spot before. It makes it worse. 1
Familia Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Cherrybreeze - hang in there I know how difficult this time is for you, as not only are you left missing your ex you also miss the children, I had a low point yesterday after close to three weeks NC where I just broke down and tried calling her to see how the boy was doing (probably an excuse in my head) although the breaking NC backfired as she has blocked my number and did not acknowledge my text nor return one --- So here I am back to square one, I am so upset and angry with myself
Author Cherrybreeze Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 Obviously I haven't posted on this thread for a bit....I'm having a really hard time. Haven't been able to maintain NC for more than 4 days. Chatted via text with the ex last night, kept it casual and things were fine. He started off short, but seemed to at least warm up to the convo, and after awhile we were trading jokes and memes like we used to. I wasn't sure when I sent the first text if he would even reply, but he did right away. Said hello on FB this morning, and again he did respond within minutes. Some light convo, and then I effed it up by saying that I missed having coffee with him (we had a morning routine). Stupid. I knew it was a risk, and it snowballed from there. He is still angry. He has his walls up like nobody's business (and I know that's how he is). I shouldn't have broached the topic. I took the risk even when I knew better. Tried too hard to plead my case, the only difference was that he engaged it for longer than I expected. Eventually he didn't answer, and I know he figured it would go on all day. I don't blame him for that. Still friends with him and the boys on FB. The younger one never posts much of anything, he's not old enough to care. The older one is on a bit more. I posted about getting the heat back in my car a couple weeks ago, and he said, "good job, *nickname*. When I wished him a happy birthday (which was Black Friday), same thing: "thanks, *nickname*! He didn't even comment on his dad's or mom's posts. :/ I posted a status the other day that he "liked" (which has happened a few times now). This is hard. I'm trying not to be disillusioned, but I still wonder what he told them; I went from being there constantly to never. I know I'll never know, and I shouldn't worry about it. But I still do. Maybe it's still just too raw. But I am not doing well with this.
Jet Lag Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 I asked my exes son what he said happened to our friendship...He said, his Dad said I (me) saw the relationship differently. He said, he sees me like a sister. Um...er....and he was ****ing me for 3 and a half years why????
frigginlost Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 (edited) The absolute hardest thing about being dumped by my ex 1 month ago has been her kids. I'm 47 and never had kids of my own as my ex wife could not because of cancer. I absolutely loved her kids with everything I had. Their father is an alcoholic and pays them no attention. In the two years I was with my ex girlfriend, through all the lies, manipulation, and cheating, nothing changed regarding my love for them. I miss them so much I physically hurt. I cry at the drop of a hat when I think of them. It absolutely kills me knowing I am out of their life forever. It has destroyed me... Edited December 6, 2014 by frigginlost
Author Cherrybreeze Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 A sister?? WTH. That's why I wonder what he told them. I wish I knew. frigginlost, I don't have kids either....I've never been in the position to try, as I've never been married and have never had an "accident," but it's also possible that I can't. I really don't know. That was ONE of the things he liked, actually....he said he knew it was hypocritical, but he'd rather date someone without kids. And it is hard to mix families. But gawd, I have grown to love those boys. It's separate even from the relationship I had with my ex, in a way. I would have been with him anyway, but we ALL got on well. I never realized it would be this hard, or he would be this resolute. I thought I mattered....I was wrong.
Jet Lag Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 A sister?? WTH. That's why I wonder what he told them. I wish I knew. frigginlost, I don't have kids either....I've never been in the position to try, as I've never been married and have never had an "accident," but it's also possible that I can't. I really don't know. That was ONE of the things he liked, actually....he said he knew it was hypocritical, but he'd rather date someone without kids. And it is hard to mix families. But gawd, I have grown to love those boys. It's separate even from the relationship I had with my ex, in a way. I would have been with him anyway, but we ALL got on well. I never realized it would be this hard, or he would be this resolute. I thought I mattered....I was wrong. Yeah, so apparently you can go from being "soul mates", having amazingly intense orgasms due to the feelings to brotherly feelings. What the f**** is that? I am lucky in that I am still allowed to spend time with them but maybe that will mean it takes olonger to get over the break up.
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