Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My ex now knows that I have remained in contact with an old "fling," and while this guy was a hook up once upon a time, our friendship now is (was?) much more significant than that ever was...he actually became my closest relationship confidant. However, now that the ex knows, he's convinced I cheated/has been cheating. It hurts beyond belief that he believes this even though it is not true. He didn't know we talked, but I didn't know how to broach the topic....it has been bugging me for awhile. I didn't do it soon enough and he found out another way. Now I can't convince him it wasn't what he thinks. Our break up was harsh, and fast, following the best weeks we've had in months. Things were going amazingly, and now he won't talk or respond to me at all. How to deal with this? And are the chances of him missing me after his anger subsides better, since the break up wasn't something he's been seeking for a long time? I can't believe that he doesn't truly know how I felt, based on what our status WAS. Will he ever be able to focus on that part again?
frigginlost Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 So basically you put your relationship with your fling before your boyfriend. Having a relationship with a former partner is not really an issue with a guy. Keeping it from him is a huge deal. It's a red flag, and chops trust. Will he get over it? Maybe. Give him some time to sort and process his feelings. If he does not come back, you learned a life lesson. If he does come back, talk it out. Be prepared to answer some tough questions regarding the fling guy. Your actions notched him higher than your boyfriend....
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 The "fling" wasn't the issue, though, he became a trusted friend who cared and lent me an ear. He was there for me when things got tough, and celebrated with me when things got better. In short, he was a friend, the difference being when we met it started off with seeing each other, it just never went anywhere and that was okay in the long run. Our friendship became the most important part, to us. Unfortunately, my ex doesn't see it that way, obviously since we've slept together in the past, we still are, to him. I know it's a huge deal, and that's the struggle. I didn't know HOW to tell him, and was trying to figure it out. I was afraid of rocking the boat, and in the end, I waited to long. I was afraid of what he would think, and in the end, he thinks it anyway. I was just trying not to mess things up, and it still got messy. And it's heartbreaking.
frigginlost Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Who cares what your relationship with the fling was/is like? You're missing the point. You *kept* this from your boyfriend and he found out, not by you, but by some other source. It put a hurt on the trust he has in you. Instead of trying to tell him that the relationship with the fling guy is not an issue (which he is not going to believe because you kept it from him) tell him why you kept it from him and be honest.
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I know what you're saying. Didn't mean to imply that I didn't, I'm sorry about that. I did try to explain. He's too angry to care. He found out by going through my phone, for what that's worth.
frigginlost Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No worries. You've told him and that's good. Just let him process it now. Are there other circumstances that would cause trust issues? Not cool that he was going through your phone...
DKT3 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 You were loyal to the fling/friend and lied by omission in order to maintain that relationship. The fact that you knew it would be an issue and not only carried on but did so in secret. By defination that is cheating. You shared, confided in and seeked emotional support from another man while actively hiding it. There isn't much you can do to convince him you weren't cheating because 1) he won't believe it and that's your fault 2) you were knee deep in emotional cheating. Lesson for the future, if your friends with a guy you've slept with, your BF needs to know ASAP during the beginning stages of the relationship. Also why is it so hard for you to believe and accept he would see this as cheating? Would you just blow it off if he secretly invested in a "friendship" with one of his former sexual relationships?
Author Cherrybreeze Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Only that he's gone through my phone before. He calls it protecting himself. I know that he has done things that aren't okay in a relationship context, and he appears to be able to explain away everything while blaming me. I do admit the fling got inappropriate at times, and while I did not outright tell him to knock it off, I didn't engage it. He gets pics sent to him from women he knows all the time, and he has always said he won't be an ******* about it....so, how is it okay if he treats it that way, but I don't? He kept saying he wasn't obligated to me, but then...why talk and act like I should be obligated to HIM? It's confusing, and hurtful.
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