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compulsiveliarswife

By compulsiveliarswife
in Infidelity

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compulsiveliarswife New Member

compulsiveliarswife

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I think first off, you need to get away from your husband. He is sick and has had these issues from day one. He's fooled and lied to everybody. As for your ex from the past, stop... Deal with your own life first, divorce, be on your own, grow and love yourself, love your kids and THEN if that ex from the past become single (meaning he divorces) date him in a proper way. If you have an affair with him, you're just trading one compulsive liar for a regular liar who cheats on his wife and betrays his family unit.

Thank you for this - you are correct in more ways than one - I need to be present for my kids as we go through these changes, I am not emotionally available for a new relationship, and in no way, should I invest time in a relationship where the other is not available. I just need Step 1 and 2 right now. I know I feel something that isn't real with the ex and I know that, even if I feel so, everything about it is wrong. I need to conclude disaster #1 and commit myself to not creating Disaster #2

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Get individual counseling. Like, yesterday. That'll probably advance your counseling with your husband or main-man or whatever as well.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I do not condone my actions, but they are mine alone.

 

I suppose this is what your husband is thinking as well. Do you see how he can also make the above statement? You are selfish because your marriage was broken you thought it would be okay to break someone elses marriage as well. Afterall you don't owe HER anything. You and your husband are selfish and should be together.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I knew all was not well, but felt we could work through anything.

 

You married your husband even though you knew he was unsuitable. And he lied to get you.

 

You're involved with a new man even though you know he's unavailable. And he's lying to be with you.

 

Have you thought about why you make these choices :( ???

 

Pretty easy to see, through your own actions, you haven't set yourself up for success or happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted

Your focus right now should be on your kids. Your family is in crisis mode- their father is a compulsive liar and their mother is a cheater. Both adults are trying to meet their own self centered needs, and the emotional well being of the kids seems like an afterthought.

 

I understand you have been through a bad marriage, and that you've been lied to and disrespected. It is natural to feel hurt and seek ways to cope with that. It can be very difficult to put your own wants and needs aside, but as a mom you have to try. From their perspective, it doesn't matter that daddy lied or mommy cheated. What matters is that they have at least one emotionally stable parent to nurture them, protect them and respect them. Be that parent for them, and put your love life on hold right now.

 

Many parents look back on this time (the separation/divorce process) and deeply regret not being more involved with their kids. Often parents feel their kids are OK and adjusting well, and the parents end up focusing on their own pain & "moving on". Then years later, they look back and realize how much their kids were suffering at the time. Kids don't have the coping skills to handle these kinds of circumstances or the verbal skills to communicate their issues.

 

It's common for parents to see the kids laughing at the TV and think they are OK & unaffected. But in reality, they are often suffering deeply. They cope by escaping & detaching. What's the harm in that? It may serve it's purpose and keep their minds off the problems in the home, but it sets the stage for how they will cope with future conflict, stress and disappointment. Escaping a dysfunctional home using TV/other means of fantasy seems harmless, but as the child ages it evolves into more serious means of escape and distraction, often drugs or cutting. As a parent, you are their model. They learn to cope with their lives by watching you.

 

You are certain your marriage is over, so I suggest you make a plan & stick to it. Focus on doing things right, instead of just feeling better. Try not to wallow in your victim status and thinking about "the one" & what could've been. This is your own dysfunctional way of coping (escaping). You have to think of your family like a house that is engulfed in flames. It's tempting run out the back door & escape, but your kids need your strength and protection while you put the fire out. You will have plenty of time to find love & romance. If you don't even feel safe enough to communicate with your husband, then having an affair is downright dangerous. The kids already got a bad deal by having a compulsive liar for a father. You need to be the strong, sane, protective & supportive parent- not sinking to his level and giving your kids a double dose of dysfunction.

 

You see your whole marriage as a lie, but that lie has been your children's environment for their entire lives. You have given up on your husband and feel "done", but the kids are still enmeshed in the dynamic that is your family. You owe it to them to finish your marriage with honor & dignity, and put this affair to an end until both you & your MM are divorced & healed.

  • Like 6
AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted
Your focus right now should be on your kids. Your family is in crisis mode- their father is a compulsive liar and their mother is a cheater. Both adults are trying to meet their own self centered needs, and the emotional well being of the kids seems like an afterthought.

 

I understand you have been through a bad marriage, and that you've been lied to and disrespected. It is natural to feel hurt and seek ways to cope with that. It can be very difficult to put your own wants and needs aside, but as a mom you have to try. From their perspective, it doesn't matter that daddy lied or mommy cheated. What matters is that they have at least one emotionally stable parent to nurture them, protect them and respect them. Be that parent for them, and put your love life on hold right now.

 

Many parents look back on this time (the separation/divorce process) and deeply regret not being more involved with their kids. Often parents feel their kids are OK and adjusting well, and the parents end up focusing on their own pain & "moving on". Then years later, they look back and realize how much their kids were suffering at the time. Kids don't have the coping skills to handle these kinds of circumstances or the verbal skills to communicate their issues.

 

It's common for parents to see the kids laughing at the TV and think they are OK & unaffected. But in reality, they are often suffering deeply. They cope by escaping & detaching. What's the harm in that? It may serve it's purpose and keep their minds off the problems in the home, but it sets the stage for how they will cope with future conflict, stress and disappointment. Escaping a dysfunctional home using TV/other means of fantasy seems harmless, but as the child ages it evolves into more serious means of escape and distraction, often drugs or cutting. As a parent, you are their model. They learn to cope with their lives by watching you.

 

You are certain your marriage is over, so I suggest you make a plan & stick to it. Focus on doing things right, instead of just feeling better. Try not to wallow in your victim status and thinking about "the one" & what could've been. This is your own dysfunctional way of coping (escaping). You have to think of your family like a house that is engulfed in flames. It's tempting run out the back door & escape, but your kids need your strength and protection while you put the fire out. You will have plenty of time to find love & romance. If you don't even feel safe enough to communicate with your husband, then having an affair is downright dangerous. The kids already got a bad deal by having a compulsive liar for a father. You need to be the strong, sane, protective & supportive parent- not sinking to his level and giving your kids a double dose of dysfunction.

 

You see your whole marriage as a lie, but that lie has been your children's environment for their entire lives. You have given up on your husband and feel "done", but the kids are still enmeshed in the dynamic that is your family. You owe it to them to finish your marriage with honor & dignity, and put this affair to an end until both you & your MM are divorced & healed.

 

 

QuietStorm has given excellent advice on how to bring peace back into your life. Once peace is back....you will find happiness, contentment....joy...will soon follow.

 

Having an affair just multiplies the dysfunction and the fall out. Something, that I believe you KNOW you do not need or can handle right now.

 

Look to yourself to fill the "one" role. Become what you are searching for in others. You just might find that you will be a heck of a lot more satisfied in life...knowing you are steering the ship.

 

I wish you well on your life journey.

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