Where to even start

[compulsiveliarswife]

Background

I have been married for almost 7 years, we have a 6 and 3 yr old.

I was blissfully happy when I started dating my H, he was charming, funny, educated, established......or so I thought; I gradually learned that my husband is a compulsive liar. He has lied about everything imaginable, from his educatuion to his vasectomy, or lack thereof. I married him after our first child, he had convinced me that my doubts were fantasy. I knew all was not well, but felt we could work through anything. Fast forward to now, seven months ago he told and kept telling a lie that could have cost me my job and reputation. I gave him an ultimatum then, required conseling and admitting his lies to our family and friends. He lied about counseling, and then perpetuated it by saying the Dr was out of town. At that time I realized I could not participate in this marriage, that our children needed a healthy example, and I started to plan my exit strategy

Coincidentally, or not, I pinged an ex whom I always felt was "the one"

I knew he was married, with children, anyway, since I'm posting here, that contact quickly escalated into an emotional affair. We both admitted that leaving was a mistake and that we never stopped loving one another.

So I got caught.....my husband saw text messages and everything exposed. He swore that he would really get help this time and that I owed it to our family to go to counseling. He also insisted that I break off all contract with the other, or he would send his "proof" to his wife.

He did start counseling, and we did start marriage counseling, I didn't break things off, I know that I don't see our marriage resolving after so many years of deceit. I also traveled and spent a few days with my ex.

For me, that solidified my feelings for him. But I know he is nowhere near the same place as I am.

I don't know what to ask. I think I just wanted to get it out. In my heart, I know I need to cut all ties while I go through my divorce and he decides what he wants.

It's so hard, and heart crushing. I can't imagine a day without him, but I also can't imagine being the reason a family dissolved.

And yes, I do excuse my actions because of my husbands, but my whole marriage is a lie, it always has been.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Background

I have been married for almost 7 years, we have a 6 and 3 yr old.

I was blissfully happy when I started dating my H, he was charming, funny, educated, established......or so I thought; I gradually learned that my husband is a compulsive liar. He has lied about everything imaginable, from his educatuion to his vasectomy, or lack thereof. I married him after our first child, he had convinced me that my doubts were fantasy. I knew all was not well, but felt we could work through anything. Fast forward to now, seven months ago he told and kept telling a lie that could have cost me my job and reputation. I gave him an ultimatum then, required conseling and admitting his lies to our family and friends. He lied about counseling, and then perpetuated it by saying the Dr was out of town. At that time I realized I could not participate in this marriage, that our children needed a healthy example, and I started to plan my exit strategy

Coincidentally, or not, I pinged an ex whom I always felt was "the one"

I knew he was married, with children, anyway, since I'm posting here, that contact quickly escalated into an emotional affair. We both admitted that leaving was a mistake and that we never stopped loving one another.

So I got caught.....my husband saw text messages and everything exposed. He swore that he would really get help this time and that I owed it to our family to go to counseling. He also insisted that I break off all contract with the other, or he would send his "proof" to his wife.

He did start counseling, and we did start marriage counseling, I didn't break things off, I know that I don't see our marriage resolving after so many years of deceit. I also traveled and spent a few days with my ex.

For me, that solidified my feelings for him. But I know he is nowhere near the same place as I am.

I don't know what to ask. I think I just wanted to get it out. In my heart, I know I need to cut all ties while I go through my divorce and he decides what he wants.

It's so hard, and heart crushing. I can't imagine a day without him, but I also can't imagine being the reason a family dissolved.

And yes, I do excuse my actions because of my husbands, but my whole marriage is a lie, it always has been.

 

And how do you excuse your actions towards the MM wife? She hasnt done anything to you.....yet you are party to "compulsive liar" in her life.

 

If it was unfairly done TO you....how do you justify DOING it to someone else?

 

How does it sit with you....that you have now become what you say you dislike about your husband?

[oldshirt]

So why go through the motions and hassle and expense of counseling if you know in your heart you don't want to stay with your husband?

 

Take your OM out of the equation, would you still want out of your marriage and the chance to move on?

 

If so then just do it. Get busy living or get busy dying (Redd from the Shawshank Redemption)

 

An OM may not be a valid reason to divorce, but he certainly isn't a valid reason to force yourself into trying to reconcile a marriage that you don't want and don't believe can be reconciled.

[compulsiveliarswife]

My current husband lies about anything and everything, if he says its a sunny day, I walk outside to make sure. I had an expectation of trust in my marriage, I have daily accepted that to not be a reasonable expectation.

I don't justify anything. I will say, there is a significant difference in lying and being with a compulsive liar. A compulsive liar is one of the worst forms of addiction. My ex is not a compulsive liar. And I am sorry if his wife is an unwitting participant. I don't know her, and this sounds harsh, but I have no obligations to her. Her husband made conscious decisions, which also had the capacity to hurt.

I'm not my husband, please never compare me to him. Its almost inconceivable the lues and manipulation that I experience.

But you're right, nothing is an excuse.

[compulsiveliarswife]

So why go through the motions and hassle and expense of counseling if you know in your heart you don't want to stay with your husband?

 

Take your OM out of the equation, would you still want out of your marriage and the chance to move on?

 

If so then just do it. Get busy living or get busy dying (Redd from the Shawshank Redemption)

 

An OM may not be a valid reason to divorce, but he certainly isn't a valid reason to force yourself into trying to reconcile a marriage that you don't want and don't believe can be reconciled.

I made the decision to move on prior to contacting OM. I agreed to counseling so that I could have a safe area to state my feelings and wants. My H is very manipulative and aggressive, I would not feel safe stating truths at home.

I am getting out, there is no part of my marriage that is worth it. I want him to get help, its great that he is trying, I am saddened that it took so long.

[oldshirt]

I made the decision to move on prior to contacting OM. I agreed to counseling so that I could have a safe area to state my feelings and wants. My H is very manipulative and aggressive, I would not feel safe stating truths at home.

I am getting out, there is no part of my marriage that is worth it. I want him to get help, its great that he is trying, I am saddened that it took so long.

 

If you fear for your safety, that is a separate issue and counseling will have no impact on that. If you have decided to leave then your "feelings" have no relevance because divorce is an action. You are leaving your husband because he is a lier, so again your feelings have no relevance to the situation from his perspective.

 

If you are going to be leaving him and divorcing him, then his aggression and your fear of your safety become a court issue. The counselor cannot protect and your feelings aren't really your husband's business.

 

But anyway, where I am going with this is if you have reached the decision to divorce and counseling will not change that fact, then it is wasted time, energy and money and will be giving your husband false hope and more opportunity to lie to you and others. There is no point to counseling unless it is exit counseling to help you two work together towards a more amicable and cooperative separation and divorce.

 

 

Divorce is divorce and reconciliation is reconciliation. They are mutually exclusive. You are either working towards one or the other, there isn't a middle ground.

 

You complain about your lying husband, but at this point you are the one that is not being honest if you are going into counseling under the pretense of "working on the marriage" if there is no hope and no actual desire for reconciliation.

 

Waste of time, energy and money and builder of false hope, that's all it is.

[BeholdtheMan]

It's so hard, and heart crushing. I can't imagine a day without him, but I also can't imagine being the reason a family dissolved.

And yes, I do excuse my actions because of my husbands, but my whole marriage is a lie, it always has been.

 

"Oh woe is me...my life is bad. That makes it OK for me to destroy someone else's life"

 

Please change your screen name from "compulsiveliarswife" to "compulsiveliar". Your attitude and your behaviour are detestable. Right now, you're lying to yourself that your own troubles somehow justify humiliating another woman. Disgusting...

[DKT3]

Right out of the wayward wives handbook. "I cheat but its all his fault, I tried so hard but he didn't"

 

What gets me about this story is the ex who was always "the one" brings to mind the question of how much effort was really put into plan B aka your husband.

[compulsiveliarswife]

"Oh woe is me...my life is bad. That makes it OK for me to destroy someone else's life"

 

Please change your screen name from "compulsiveliarswife" to "compulsiveliar". Your attitude and your behaviour are detestable. Right now, you're lying to yourself that your own troubles somehow justify humiliating another woman. Disgusting...

Wow - I'm sorry that my post warranted such an aggressive and demeaning response

I never said that my life made it "ok"

I also have not destroyed someone else's life, if they divorce, will I feel accountable, yes.

I do not condone my actions, but they are mine alone.

How is you feel that you are in a position to cast stones and judge me? You words display obvious negative feelings toward infidelity, perhaps you should look to healing your own heart.

[compulsiveliarswife]

Right out of the wayward wives handbook. "I cheat but its all his fault, I tried so hard but he didn't"

 

What gets me about this story is the ex who was always "the one" brings to mind the question of how much effort was really put into plan B aka your husband.

I was completely out if that relationship prior to my husband. I fell in love with the man my husband pretended to be. I did think he was my soulmate. And I kept trying, I kept wanting him to get help. He did not, so when I gave him the ultimatum earlier this year, I purposely started to detach. I had made an effort, I had purposely stayed because I thought that under the lies, he was a person that was worth it. I know I was just lying to myself, that he had never and would never put his family before his want to look good or not get in trouble. We have two children, I never wanted to believe that this relationship wasn't worth it.

[A.Moscote]

I don't know her, and this sounds harsh, but I have no obligations to her.

What do you think I should do (or would want me to do) if I know someone is planning to rob you?

 

Her husband made conscious decisions, which also had the capacity to hurt.

You are enabling it, heck, you are joining it. You are doing to her things that you don't want to be done onto you.

Don't be so nonchalant about it, knock your head and don't let your emotions control your decision.

Unearth back your empathy, compassion, and conscience, you are suppressing them now.

Avoid that married man. Please say yes.

Edited November 17, 2014 by A.Moscote

[Realist3]

Wow - I'm sorry that my post warranted such an aggressive and demeaning response

I never said that my life made it "ok"

I also have not destroyed someone else's life, if they divorce, will I feel accountable, yes.

I do not condone my actions, but they are mine alone.

How is you feel that you are in a position to cast stones and judge me? You words display obvious negative feelings toward infidelity, perhaps you should look to healing your own heart.

 

Pay no attention to the bitter. Unfortunately, they can't help but project their angry feelings into very insulting posts to others.

 

 

Just count your experience as a lesson learned and move on. There is no fixing this situation.

[MuddyFootprints]

Have you had any discussions with a lawyer yet?

[DKT3]

I was completely out if that relationship prior to my husband. I fell in love with the man my husband pretended to be. I did think he was my soulmate. And I kept trying, I kept wanting him to get help. He did not, so when I gave him the ultimatum earlier this year, I purposely started to detach. I had made an effort, I had purposely stayed because I thought that under the lies, he was a person that was worth it. I know I was just lying to myself, that he had never and would never put his family before his want to look good or not get in trouble. We have two children, I never wanted to believe that this relationship wasn't worth it.

 

Maybe, or maybe the issue is really that your husband wasn't in your mind "THE ONE"

 

Going from what you wrote, I have a really hard time thinking that you really made much effort. Example you maintain contact with the OM while telling your husband you wouldn't and would be working on your marriage. This isn't a mindset that just pops up all of a sudden.

 

Now all your doing is blame shifting and not holding yourself accountable. Yeah, yeah you say you do, but if you really were there would be no need to list all the things your husband did wrong.

 

Lastly, what happens when MM doesn't leave his wife, which if you read the stories here you will find it very rare, does that change your desire to work on your marriage in ernest? I say this because its really common for wayward wives to rewrite the marriage and admit that this other man is playing a much larger role in the marriage issues by extention making the failure her fault.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I was completely out if that relationship prior to my husband. I fell in love with the man my husband pretended to be. I did think he was my soulmate. And I kept trying, I kept wanting him to get help. He did not, so when I gave him the ultimatum earlier this year, I purposely started to detach. I had made an effort, I had purposely stayed because I thought that under the lies, he was a person that was worth it. I know I was just lying to myself, that he had never and would never put his family before his want to look good or not get in trouble. We have two children, I never wanted to believe that this relationship wasn't worth it.

 

From where I sit....you did NOT detach...you redirected your vision of the "one".

 

Then gave yourself permission to hurt someone who you don't even know to get your need of the "one", "soulmate" met.

 

Whether or not we know someone....we should be mindful of how our actions affect others.

 

In regard to your marriage....if it is over and you are done....fine. No issue. End it.

 

However, in regard to your affair....you ARE creating the EXACT same climate for another woman. She too will question if the sky is blue. She too has an expectation of trust. She too will be deeply effected by the choices of others. She too will be searching for "what is wrong" and try in vain to fix something that she isn't even aware of. She too falsely believes her husband is worth something. She too falsely believes her husband puts his family first.

 

You have just aided and abetted her husband doing to her....what was done to you.

 

If it is wrong for your husband to behaved like this, why do you accept it in others (MM) and yourself?

Edited November 17, 2014 by AlwaysGrowing

[whichwayisup]

I think first off, you need to get away from your husband. He is sick and has had these issues from day one. He's fooled and lied to everybody. As for your ex from the past, stop... Deal with your own life first, divorce, be on your own, grow and love yourself, love your kids and THEN if that ex from the past become single (meaning he divorces) date him in a proper way. If you have an affair with him, you're just trading one compulsive liar for a regular liar who cheats on his wife and betrays his family unit.

[whichwayisup]

My current husband lies about anything and everything, if he says its a sunny day, I walk outside to make sure. I had an expectation of trust in my marriage, I have daily accepted that to not be a reasonable expectation.

I don't justify anything. I will say, there is a significant difference in lying and being with a compulsive liar. A compulsive liar is one of the worst forms of addiction. My ex is not a compulsive liar. And I am sorry if his wife is an unwitting participant. I don't know her, and this sounds harsh, but I have no obligations to her. Her husband made conscious decisions, which also had the capacity to hurt.

I'm not my husband, please never compare me to him. Its almost inconceivable the lues and manipulation that I experience.

But you're right, nothing is an excuse.

 

One doesn't justify the other. You're still doing something that will not only hurt your husband but your children too. And his innocent wife, and their kids. You're helping him cheat and betray just like he's helped do the same to your family. You know better - Please don't use the line "I have no obligation to her" you do. As a woman and as a mother you should. What if that was your daughter one day and you were consoling her?

 

Divorce and sort your life out first. It's unhealthy and damaging right now, having an affair will only hurt and complicate your life even though you're having fun now it won't last long...

[whichwayisup]

I was completely out if that relationship prior to my husband. I fell in love with the man my husband pretended to be. I did think he was my soulmate. And I kept trying, I kept wanting him to get help. He did not, so when I gave him the ultimatum earlier this year, I purposely started to detach. I had made an effort, I had purposely stayed because I thought that under the lies, he was a person that was worth it. I know I was just lying to myself, that he had never and would never put his family before his want to look good or not get in trouble. We have two children, I never wanted to believe that this relationship wasn't worth it.

 

Your H is broken and hopefully with counseling he can become a healthy father for your children. He and you will have to co parent together forever, whether you divorce or not.

 

If MM wasn't in the wings and your husband changed, got better, would you still want to leave? My guess is no. MM has an invested interest in you and you in him which takes away any inkling of forgiveness towards working with your husband to give your marriage and him one last best shot at working.

[HereNorThere]

Compulsive behavior is defined as performing an act persistently and repetitively without it necessarily leading to an actual reward or pleasure, so by the very definition alone, your extra marital affair makes you the compulsive liar.

 

Your husband's behavior didn't destroy 2 families, yours did. If he's a bad guy you had a chance to leave him, but you didn't. Using his lack of character to justify your actions makes you just as guilty. Having two children with someone who is known to be a bad person makes you irresponsible.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you and your husband were a perfect fit, but no one here can truly believe what you've said about him because you've readily admitted to being a liar.

[waterwoman]

Your H is possibly a lost cause, as if your marriage. Your MM is also a liar to his wife and possibly to you - does that really make him a better bet?

[Bootsie]

So why on earth do you want to exchange one emotionally abusive, manipulative and compulsive liar for another?

 

 

One thing that is almost certain, is that unless your MM has already informed his wife of the affair, then he is lying to her and manipulating her to stay married to him while he works out what he wants to do. This is clearly lying, manipulation and emotional abuse at its worse!

 

 

While we on this forum have no way of knowing for sure it's "compulsive", it does seem he feels compelled to lie to his wife about his infidelity, so it certainly appears that way. How on earth do you justify dismissing his appalling behaviour just because you think it's not "compulsive". You do realise you're at high risk of being on the receiving end yet again don't you? Next time though you won't be able to blame your trusting nature as you're signing up for it.

[BeholdtheMan]

such an aggressive and demeaning response

 

Bad behaviour deserves to criticised

 

 

I never said that my life made it "ok"

I also have not destroyed someone else's life, if they divorce, will I feel accountable, yes.

I do not condone my actions, but they are mine alone.

 

You excuse your actions because of your husband's actions. That's essentially saying your bad behaviour is justified by your husband's behaviour.

 

Uh...no. Your actions don't just hurt your husband. They hurt your OM's wife as well. Your actions and their effect on OM's wife are not justified. OM's wife is innocent. She has never done anything to you.

 

Your husband's lies to you might warrant some retribution toward him...but OM's wife is innocent. You threw her under the bus because you simply didn't care. You were selfish. You didn't care about the collateral damage.

 

How is you feel that you are in a position to cast stones and judge me? You words display obvious negative feelings toward infidelity, perhaps you should look to healing your own heart.

 

I've never been cheated on and I've never cheated. I don't need any healing. I value honesty and taking responsibility for one's actions

[elaine567]

For 7 years you tolerated, made a home with, and had kids with, a man who you say is a compulsive liar.

Day on day, you must have stood by his lies to you, to your kids, and to other people.

So why now?

 

I guess, for some reason you got bored and decided enough as enough.

So you then "coincidentally" scanned around for an out, and what came into your mind was the "the one", now married with kids, but what the hell!

You needed a helping hand out of you marriage, and so if we are honest, just about anyone would have done.

He took the bait, and now you are careering on, not only ruining your own marriage but the marriage of someone else as well.

He is a cheater, you are a cheater, that does usually make for a great relationship as trust is missing from the get-go.

 

Your marriage is a mess I get it, but just take your kids and go. Be honest with your husband, tell him you want out, go see a lawyer and get stuff sorted out. Tell the MM to go back to his wife and kids or if he is in the same position as you, be honest with his wife and say he wants to leave her and the kids.

The way you are doing this is underhand and nasty. This way so many lives will get ruined when all the sh*t hits the fan. So many trusting souls will have their trust shattered.

Marriages fail, that cannot be helped, but skulking around cheating and giving partners false hope that their marriage can be fixed, is inexcusable.

Grow a pair.

[notbroken]

No offence, just a fact - there is more than one person lying in your house. Cheating is by definition lying. Before jumping to being defensive and justifying it that your husband 'made you do it', consider that you are responsible for your own actions (no one 'makes you cheat').

 

Come clean and tell your husband what you are doing and/or stop cheating. Be true to yourself. If you no longer want to be with your husband then divorce him. Let him be a 'liar' by himself. Don't join him in that.

 

I would strongly recommend against going with 'the one' though. He is a known cheater (and liar). How would you ever trust him? Do you want to sign up for another round of that? Could you really be surprised if the new 'Mr Wonderful' turned out to be a liar and a cheat (he is already)?

 

Spend a bit of time alone, regroup your thoughts (ie. "punt"), and be true to yourself.

[compulsiveliarswife]

No offence, just a fact - there is more than one person lying in your house. Cheating is by definition lying. Before jumping to being defensive and justifying it that your husband 'made you do it', consider that you are responsible for your own actions (no one 'makes you cheat').

 

Come clean and tell your husband what you are doing and/or stop cheating. Be true to yourself. If you no longer want to be with your husband then divorce him. Let him be a 'liar' by himself. Don't join him in that.

 

I would strongly recommend against going with 'the one' though. He is a known cheater (and liar). How would you ever trust him? Do you want to sign up for another round of that? Could you really be surprised if the new 'Mr Wonderful' turned out to be a liar and a cheat (he is already)?

 

Spend a bit of time alone, regroup your thoughts (ie. "punt"), and be true to yourself.

 

I did not mean to convey that the history in my marriage was justification for my actions, I was trying to state that the marriage was completely broken

And yes, I should have waited until everything was complete before I even considered someone new.

 

Thank you for your advice. I agree, there is nothing that is tangibly beneficial from starting a relationship with someone that is truly not available. In my heart, I did know this, I needed to hear it from others.

I had only been in contact with my ex for a few months, he needs to make his own decisions, and we need space after that. We agreed that there would be no more contact today.

 

I don't think I was clear that my husband knows that it is over. He knows that I agreed to counseling so that we can better communicate, and it would take a miracle to stop our divorce. I had stated those ultimatums about six months ago, it was seeing the facts of my EA that drove it home.

 

I can see where my statements are pretty heartless and selfish. I am a selfish person, and subject to the same faults as everyone. I did something wrong, I know this, so all I can do now is move forward. I can't expect honesty from anyone if I don't deliver as well. So here is my day 1 of being completely honest. No part of it is easy, and that makes me sad, it should be simple to be true to myself. I suppose that's how we find ourselves here.... wanting someone to tell us it's ok to cheat, and confirming that is is never ok.