Back Into "The Belly Of The Beast"!

[AaronSG]

First off, I'm really kicking myself in the a** here, I had been doing so good these past several weeks in the "moving on" stages of my breakup situation. I don't know if today could be looked upon as a "set back" or something, but since this event I've sure felt funky!

 

A couple days back my Mom calls and asked if I could tend to her pet's while out of town for the weekend, "sure no problem", what? You need me to do it on Sunday, no problem, I'll handle it! Well thankfully I'm back home now, I got it handled for her, but little did I know that while doing something nice as to help out my Mom, I'd be throwing myself back into the belly of the beast.

 

To tend to Mom's pet's meant that I'd have to go to her place to do it, normally in the distant past this wouldn't have been an issue. But in light of a recent event, namely an event that took place exactly 130 days ago, by happens chance at my Mom's house, a place I haven't been back to since, today with going back to her home, letting myself inside, walking around, I tried my best to be mentally guarded and shielded, but within approx. 10 minutes of being there my mental defenses weakened, the thoughts of my ex-fiance started to drift in. Being back to the exact spot that my ex-faince called it quits on "us" was really bothering me, making me uneasy and up to this point with doing so well with handling myself mentally, her place made it almost impossible to guard myself against it all.

 

But as the memory's drifted in, this time, unlike all the rest of times, but this time was different, this time the thoughts and memory's bore angry feelings! Normally I get all sad, mopey, and wallowey, not this time, I was just getting pissed. I starting thinking as I walked around, remembering that day 130 days ago. When my Mom offered my ex-fiance an invite, on the premise of continued family acceptance towards my ex-faince, who my Mom thought up to that point that we still needed to make my ex-faince feel like she belonged. So the invite was given and accepted, and hours later we were enjoying ourselves at the party.

 

As I walked by my Mom's patio set on the back deck of her home, I remembered that just an hour or two before my ex-faince announced that we were over, she sat there, enjoying herself, eating, drinking her Pepsi my Mom got especially for her, ect. ect. ect. Then I walked around the the pool, remembering that before the meal we were swimming in that, playing, laughing, splashing each other, with no signs of any problems or soon to be made announcements.

 

Then i waked by my Mom's gas grill, instantly remembering my ex-faince and I standing "side by side" helping each other out with the cooking of everyones foods. Making sure all who attended the backyard office party got what they wanted and it was cooked just right for them. I was in charge of the meat, and my ex-faince was in charge of grilling the veggies. That was fun!

 

Then I walked back into the house and stood for a minute by my Mom's front door, remembering when my ex-faince, my Mom and I stood there as my Mom's office staff departed after the party, wishing everyone well, have a safe drive home, glad you had a good time, it was good to see you....yada.....yada....yada.....my ex-faince went as far with some of my Mom's guests as to tell people that she was looking forward to the next time she could hang out with them, giving every indication that she wasn't going anywhere.

 

Then I slowly approached and stopped by what I've come to figuratively call my love life's own personal "ground zero"! I stood by the very bar stool inside my Mom's kitchen that my ex-faince sat in after the party, I remember her sitting there and telling my Mom and I before Mom drove us back home, there was somethings she needed to say. This was the spot where my ex-faince made her announcement, right there, sitting in that bar stool, leaning against that piece of granite counter top, and from that spot it began!

 

I looked across the kitchen into the living room area, remembering after the announcement, that my Mom and my ex-fiance sitting atop my Mom's sofa for hours as my Mom tried the best she could to convince my ex-fiance that all the reasons she gave to end things were "petty" and "trivial" and "not worth blowing a relationship for", but alas, after hours of trying to convince her that what she was about to do was immature, not very well thought out, way to hasty and stupid, but in the end it was a "no go", she was done, she was over, she was already mentally checked out!

 

I don't know, today my Mom's house seemed to be a melting pot of thoughts and feelings and memory's and some emotions. I had been doing real good up to that point to guard myself from this sort of stuff, but I guess just being back at "ground zero", really being there and seeing, hearing, touching and feeling the place kind of brought some of it back in my head. I took care of the animals, I felt good about that, but being back there as a whole, damn hard!

 

Also knowing that my Mom is almost equally affected by my breakup as I am didn't help todays events. My Mom is still very hurt by it all. My Mom was almost the one lone family member that tried to assist my ex-fiance and myself with providing us situations that would give me ex-faince tons of "first time experiences"! My Mom did the best she could to facilitate my ex-faince in providing periodic financial assistance as so we could get out of the house and go do something. My Mom on many occasions offered us up invites to such places as shopping malls, restaurants and movie theaters, as to help provide my ex-faince with some "fun times"! But more importantly, my Mom gave my ex-faince acceptance, my Mom gave her friendship, my Mom gave her opportunity and the biggest thing........my Mom gave her love!

 

So yeah, Mom's pretty upset about how things played out, again, almost as much as I was. Sad part is, my Mom has this brass metal vine thing mounted on her living room wall. Each of the vines have leafs on them, little brass leaf's with words such as "Father" and "Son" and "Brother" and "Sister" and "Uncle" ect. ect. ect.....it was a family tree vine thing, each leaf had a name where the respective family member could be clipped to! Not just anyone adores this vine thing, even some family members haven't made it onto the vine yet, but the saddest thing here, the thing that disturbs me greatly, is that within a short period of time, my ex-faince earned a spot on the vine, a spot pretty high up to the top where all could see, her picture was mounted and clipped onto a leaf................and this leaf had the words "Daughter" on it!

 

My Mom already considered this woman family, this woman had earned a spot on the vine, and my Mom cried when having to take her down off the vine, my Mom did so very hurt, very upset and the way my ex-faince left us, she took down my ex-fiance's picture off the vine feeling very betrayed.

 

Sorry to have rambled on here, I guess when Aaron has an emotion, Aaron's fingers don't know when to stop depressing keys on the keyboard. Again,, I'm doing better now being back home, just today was a little mental kick in the crotch!

 

Thank you all for your time, hope you all are having the best day you can for yourselves!

Edited November 17, 2014 by AaronSG

[Paidtheprice]

Aaron I know that while at your mother's house it must have been tough and today just analyzing all the memories. I see this as a good thing, like in your own words you went back to ground zero and i think it's something that needed to happen. IMHO you handled it great! I would trade my feeling of sadness for anger any day. Great write up. It was so good i felt like i was there that day! Chin up brother better days ahead!

[Cherrybreeze]

I am sorry you had a tough time. You did good, though....you dealt with the memories, made it through, and came to post rather than contact, etc. That is huge, in my book, even though I am new to this.

[AaronSG]

I see this as a good thing, like in your own words you went back to ground zero and i think it's something that needed to happen.

 

I know as you said that this is something that "needed to happen", I know over the now 131 since my ex-faince's departure, that I needed to do this, I was just procrastinating, putting it off, resisting and staying away all that time just to try and spare my mind and my heart the possible emotional turmoil that being there could cause. I'm glad the situation is over, I am glad to be out of my Mom's home and back at my own and so forth. But yeah, eventually, one way or the other I would have gone back, I knew that most of all my life's roads lead back to ground zero!

 

 

IMHO you handled it great! I would trade my feeling of sadness for anger any day. Great write up. It was so good i felt like i was there that day! Chin up brother better days ahead!

 

I very much appreciate you taking the time to say "I did great"! And I know exactly where you are coming from when saying that you'd trade in sadness for anger! It has been what feels almost like a life time coming as to now I can feel some anger generated by any possible thoughts, feelings and emotions when it come to thinking about my ex-fiance. If you ever feel like reading a super long post, read up on my breakup situation, the links is inside my signature, after going through that most normal people would have felt anger and rage right off the bat. Nope, not me, there was plenty of mental room for sadness, despair, wallowing, mopeyess, doom & gloom, confusion, doubts, worry, second guessing, over analyzing, judging, but very little anger! Now, there's plenty of anger and now a day's I can care less for the other emotion crap!

 

You did good, though....you dealt with the memories, made it through, and came to post rather than contact

 

Thank you for thinking "I did good", for the most part I think I might have done alright, for as you said I knew enough to "come here and post rather than contact"! No real chance for any contact, not now, not ever! It's been since August-7th-2014 since the last I talked to my ex-faince, that was over the phone, after she arrived back in Ohio, as to move back in and live with her parents. That night was the only contact I've had since her departure. Since I've deleted such things like Instagram, Twitter and Facebook not so much because I'm worried about what she might see about me, I did it, and being honest here, I did it because I couldn't fight my temptations to take peeks at her pages. After a couple weeks of the peeks, it was making me feel more worse each time I did it. So I made the hard choice and went ahead and deleted all my accounts that were linked to her in anyway, not for her, but for me and my sanity!

 

I hope both of you are doing as good as you can, thanks for taking the time to stop by and inject some of your own thoughts here, it is very much appreciated!