crystallake Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My wife and I have been together for six years and have been married just over one year. For the last month and a half she has been staying at her moms house because I found out she began an online relationship with someone out of the country and she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. I am going through the hardest time in my life, sometimes it feels difficult just to even breathe. We have been to counseling and have been seeing each other in between. She says she has stopped talking to the guy online, that it was a big mistake and she regrets it. The problem she feels is that there is too much damage done and doesn't know if our marriage can be saved. She loves me, she misses me and tells me that although she was talking to this guy online, she can't imagine herself with anyone else. Our relationship has had problems, especially due to things that happened in the past and both of us having jealousy and insecurity issues. I just never thought we would get to a point like this. We have been attached to the hip for 6 years, we have lived together 5 years, bought a house together, have cats and share so much and have so many good memories. I spent the night with her last night, and have been showing her good times when I see her and showing how much I want her just to come home to work on things. She does want to come home, and we are affectionate toward each other when we are together. The biggest problem is she does not know how to get the feeling back. If we get intimate she feels like she betrayed herself, feels dirty, like she regrets it because we have had issues in the past getting intimate due to the insecurity and jealousy issues. I really don't know what else to do but show her and tell her how much I miss her, need her and love her. I really don't want our marriage to end. I hope this time apart will only make us stronger. If anyone has any advice, I could really use it. I am hurting so much right now and I am constantly thinking of her wanting to text and call her to beg her to come home. I can barely function with her gone. I know I need to get my mind off things but it is impossible. I just want my wife back. Please help.
JCG Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I know this is hard and easier for an outsider to say, but leave her alone. Don't beg. Don't let her see you fall apart. If she comes back to you out of sympathy, that won't make you feel better. You will always be wondering why she actually returned. You don't want someone to come back to you because you begged them to. I strongly recommend that you read about the 'rubber band' theory. Trust me. You need to put this into play right now. Don't initiate contact and bug her right now. It will only push her further away. Leave her alone. Let her come to you. You have to make her feel a sense of loss. I'm telling you to focus. You will regret pushing her to reconsider. She needs to come to the conclusion on her own. That's the only way it can happen so you know it was her idea to come back. Don't contact her under any circumstances. Cry, throw things, whatever you need to do. Don't contact her or anyone close to her. She needs to feel the law of scarcity. Leave her alone. Time and space is the only remedy here. 3
Seeker12 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I know this is hard and easier for an outsider to say, but leave her alone. Don't beg. Don't let her see you fall apart. If she comes back to you out of sympathy, that won't make you feel better. You will always be wondering why she actually returned. You don't want someone to come back to you because you begged them to. I strongly recommend that you read about the 'rubber band' theory. Trust me. You need to put this into play right now. Don't initiate contact and bug her right now. It will only push her further away. Leave her alone. Let her come to you. You have to make her feel a sense of loss. I'm telling you to focus. You will regret pushing her to reconsider. She needs to come to the conclusion on her own. That's the only way it can happen so you know it was her idea to come back. Don't contact her under any circumstances. Cry, throw things, whatever you need to do. Don't contact her or anyone close to her. She needs to feel the law of scarcity. Leave her alone. Time and space is the only remedy here. Awesome advice, honestly. 1
JCG Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Any time! I'm going through some tough stuff myself. Hence, why I'm here. It seems easier to give advice to someone else. It is actually therapeutic in a sense to be here among others who know what we are going through A community like this will help keep you focused and sane. Lol. You need to talk it all out, even with complete strangers. It helps. 2
Author crystallake Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 JCG, I don't think you could have put it any more perfect for me. That is great advice for me to take, and honestly brought tears to my eyes reading to know that there are people like you that would take the time to help a total stranger. I can't describe in words how deeply saddened and lonely I feel, how much I just want to be holding my wife in my arms. We have been through everything together. To come home to a quiet, lonely house, surrounded by our memories and having to cry myself to sleep when I see her side of the bed and her not there is torture. I will take your advice and try my hardest to do these things. I want to scream at the top of my lungs though I miss her so much. The reason why I text her and call her is because anytime she replies letting me know that she is thinking of me, misses and loves me, it lets me feel like I can breathe again just for a little bit... like I can feel a pulse that's telling me things will be OK. I'm so afraid of not contacting her because I fear she will think I am moving on and I don't want her to think that. I want her to know I miss her and am not giving up. Aside from giving her the space she needs and not contacting her, obviously if she contacts me I will reply. If she wants to meet a certain day I will meet with her, but I have to try not to sound too needy, and I have to try not to smother her and just give her some space. All I want to to is help her to get those feelings back, but I know it is something she has to find herself. Thank you for your great advice. It means SO MUCH to me. I am sorry to hear that you are going through some tough stuff as well. I hope it's not as tough as what I am going through. I hope that you are OK and I wish I had good advice to give to you like you have given me. 2
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 The truth is that once the feelings are gone, there is nothing you can do to get them back. There's no magic formula, no magic words, no amount of love you can show. Love is a very fragile thing that occurs as quickly as it can disappear. Most likely, when she developed feelings for the other guy she met online, her feelings for you diminished. I've actually had that happen to me, as well, granted the first relationship was already over at the time. This was after my first boyfriend who I loved a great deal. I still had strong feelings for him, even after a year of being apart, but all it took was meeting someone new. Just that quickly, my feelings for my ex faded. I fell for the new guy, and I actually saw the first ex several years ago. I felt no attraction for him whatsoever, so I know how weird love and attraction can be. They can disappear over time, and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. If someone says they no longer have feelings for you, which is what your wife says, that's honestly the biggest lost cause of any breakup. You can't get that back because there is nothing specific that you can do to fix it. Things might be different if she gave you something specific to fix, but, at this time and likely for the foreseeable future, I would let her go. 1
JCG Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 We're all here to support you. It also gives me something else to focus on other than my issue. So it's a win win!! :D
Author crystallake Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 BC1980, thank you for your message. It hurts to read, and I just don't believe in my heart that I am capable of letting go of her. She is and has been my world and everything I have done has been for her. I know there are no magic words I can say, and nothing I can do, that it's just a feeling she needs to find and search within herself. I'm trying not to look at the bad and focus on the good we have right now. She says she still loves me with all her heart, she feels sick to even think about being with someone else, she is spending time with me and stayed the night with me last night and is showing me affection. I know like you said the important thing is her getting this feeling back. She doesn't feel it now but I have to hold onto and believe that there's a good chance she will. I have to believe that people can fall back in love, that even though this feeling has gone away, she will find it during this time apart. I do want her to be happy though and her happiness is more important to me than my own. I have expressed this to her. She is stuck in the middle of wanting to leave but also wanting to stay because she doesn't know what the future holds for either path. She thanked me this morning again for my patience and feels bad that the person she cares the most about in this world is hurting so bad. It's so hard to be patient but I know that' all I can do is be patient and have hope.
Ducktape Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 YOUR happiness should be what's more important, not hers. Especially since she doesn't know if she wants to be with you! Take some time, re-center yourself. Make her miss you. I know that's harsh to say, but don't be her crutch. Let her walk by herself. And if she has to, fall down flat on her face. The pain will make her realize what was lost. "At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone, walk away. It's not like you're giving up and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be." 2
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 BC1980, thank you for your message. It hurts to read, and I just don't believe in my heart that I am capable of letting go of her. She is and has been my world and everything I have done has been for her. I know there are no magic words I can say, and nothing I can do, that it's just a feeling she needs to find and search within herself. I'm trying not to look at the bad and focus on the good we have right now. She says she still loves me with all her heart, she feels sick to even think about being with someone else, she is spending time with me and stayed the night with me last night and is showing me affection. I know like you said the important thing is her getting this feeling back. She doesn't feel it now but I have to hold onto and believe that there's a good chance she will. I have to believe that people can fall back in love, that even though this feeling has gone away, she will find it during this time apart. I do want her to be happy though and her happiness is more important to me than my own. I have expressed this to her. She is stuck in the middle of wanting to leave but also wanting to stay because she doesn't know what the future holds for either path. She thanked me this morning again for my patience and feels bad that the person she cares the most about in this world is hurting so bad. It's so hard to be patient but I know that' all I can do is be patient and have hope. My heart goes out to you after reading your posts. I remember those feelings after my recent breakup. I do have to mention the portion that I bolded. You said her happiness is more important than yours, and that is a terrible mindset to have. Right now, you are sacrificing your emotional well being for her, and it's absolutely not fair to you. How long does she propose to take to figure out how she feels? How long are you supposed to wait in emotional limbo? You have to realize that this setup only serves her right? I was right where you are at 1.5 years ago. I completely relate to everything you have written. I was not married but was in a very similar set of circumstances after the relationship ended. Anyway, I will tell you this. She is afraid to leave you because of the pain it will cause her and the uncertainty. It's not because she can't bear the thought of not being with you. Because if she truly could not bear the thought of being without you, this would never have happened. I can predict what will likely happen. She will do this song and dance for several more months until one of you decides to throw down the gauntlet. Probably you when you get sick of being drug through the mud. Once you tell her to make a decision, she will decide not to be with you. I don't want that to be true, but I've seen this story enough and been through it myself. The advice I would give you is to tell her that you want to fix the marriage, but you need to go to marriage counseling with her as a willing partner. She has got to make some concrete steps to rectify this because you can't live in limbo like this. I can almost guarantee you that she will not be enthusiastic about doing something concrete to save the marriage, but it's unfair for you to keep living like this. She is putting you through absolute h*ll right now because she knows she can keep you on a leash basically. She knows you aren't going anywhere, so she has no reason to make a decision.
Author crystallake Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Ducktape, thank you for the advice and I will do my best. That is a great quote. BC1980 I appreciate that you are being honest with me as much as it hurts to hear these things and try to imagine my life without her. You are right, I am on a leash. She knows how much I love her and how badly I want her home, so she can take all the time that she needs to figure things out. This is such a tough spot to be in, I am living in h*ll right now. Every moment that goes by without her is a nightmare. She doesn't know what path to take, she is afraid to give up everything we have together and the uncertainty like you said, but also wants to move on without me. She works full time and goes to school so she has a lot on her plate. She is completely done with school in four weeks and I am hoping it gives her time to think because when shes not at work she is studying and doing homework a lot. Because she knows how much I miss her and that I am waiting for her to decide would it be stupid of me to tell her to decide soon or it's over even though that is not what I want? Force her into feeling what it's like to not have me in her life instead of being strung along in this uncertainty? There is a part of me that wants to do that but there is the part of me that wants to just respect that she needs space and time to think and that I am willing to go through the pain because that is how much I love her. I had so much planned for our future, and just a few months ago we were talking about moving away from California to somewhere where things are slow paced so we can focus on our relationship and maybe have kids. I am just so beaten down to the point where I didn't know I was capable of feeling this low. I am 27 years old, I want a family I want kids and I know my wife has wanted those things with me. I am in such disbelief. Its so hard to breathe. I can't even escape through sleep because when I do I even dream about her. We did do counseling for about 6 sessions but we didn't feel like the counselor was doing enough to help. She is willing to see another counselor with me and said that if there is a part of her inside herself that still has that feeling for me she will find it.
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 The truth is that pushing her to make a decision will not yield the results you want, but you are in an impossible situation. The alternative to asking her a decision is giving her time, by which I mean absolutely no contact with her. By being in contact with her at present, you are enabling her wishy washy behavior. The only way to know where she stands is to force her hand in some way, be it by confrontation or by disappearing. Either way, things can't continue the way they are. It seems you have tried counseling. The best advice is to stop contacting her because she clearly does not want a marriage relationship right now. That has been made clear. I don't see this ending well, but you could give it a month without contact to see if she changes her tune. It's never good when people get confused. It usually means they are trying to ease themselves out the door but don't have the b@lls to outright do it yet.
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Also look into some individual counseling to get you through this. I truly feel for you. I could have written some of the emotions you expressed. I know it's awful right now.
tobrieornottobrie Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 That's a really tough situation and I think that anyone would be confused on what to do. I think it's great that you are both in counseling, are you going individually or as a couple? Also, have you talked with your counselor about the intimacy issues? Just some stuff to think about. I hope it gets better for you, friend. the brie's cheese knees
Author crystallake Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Thank you, and your right, as much as I need to know from her I don't want to push her and end up pushing her right out the door. It's hard to not contact her. I tried that for a day. She texted me multiple times and I decided to not write back for a while. She ended up sending me multiple texts and was really worried, then emailed me trying to find out where I was. I then replied letting her know I was OK. I don't know how to not contact her when we contacts me, and the fact that we share a house together and have cats that she loves and wants to see. She wants to see me as well and misses me. Obviously I hope she changes her tune, wakes up from this and realizes what she is about to lose and comes home. When we went to counseling we both had one on one sessions and group sessions, but she believes the counseling isn't enough and I kind of feel the same way. I want her home, but I want her to understand I respect that she needs space and time to think, as hard as that is. I have grown a lot, and have realized the weaknesses that need to be worked on in our marriage. I just hope and pray that it is not too late. I will seek out counseling for myself. This forum has helped me, and so has friends and family. Only time will tell.
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Thank you, and your right, as much as I need to know from her I don't want to push her and end up pushing her right out the door. It's hard to not contact her. I tried that for a day. She texted me multiple times and I decided to not write back for a while. She ended up sending me multiple texts and was really worried, then emailed me trying to find out where I was. I then replied letting her know I was OK. I don't know how to not contact her when we contacts me, and the fact that we share a house together and have cats that she loves and wants to see. She wants to see me as well and misses me. Obviously I hope she changes her tune, wakes up from this and realizes what she is about to lose and comes home. When we went to counseling we both had one on one sessions and group sessions, but she believes the counseling isn't enough and I kind of feel the same way. I want her home, but I want her to understand I respect that she needs space and time to think, as hard as that is. I have grown a lot, and have realized the weaknesses that need to be worked on in our marriage. I just hope and pray that it is not too late. I will seek out counseling for myself. This forum has helped me, and so has friends and family. Only time will tell. You could also ask the mods to move this to the divorce/separation section, and I'm sure some of the posters there would give advice also. If you decide not to contact her, I would definitely tell her first. I wouldn't just disappear because you are still married. As hard as it is, I would tell her you need some time apart (several months at least), and, you understand she technically still lives with you, and there will need to be some necessary contact over practical matters. I certainly would not allow her to spend the night at this point because it's not fair to you. The most concerning things to me is that there is no timeline and nothing concrete she is doing to attempt to fix this. It seems as if she is just waiting around for her feelings to magically change, and that simply won't happen. I definitely believe in salvaging a marriage, but there has to be some type of limit. She can't simply stay at her mom's and spend time with you when she sees fit and just stay in this limbo. BTW, I am a cat person also
loversquarrel Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I'm divorced and I'm going to tell you what I can gather from what I've read about your situation. I see some co dependency issues here. I also see a woman who has discovered through some online emotional affair that she is not happy with you. She wasn't happy before the affair, and now she has been given a taste of what someone else can offer her. I know what I have to say isn't good, but I am looking at this as an objective observer with personal experience. You can do nothing to win her back. If she wants to be with you, she will. You have to accept this fact. She is dragging her feet and contemplating being with you because she has her own insecurity issues. If she comes back it will only be a matter of time before she meets someone else who fulfills her in the way you can't. I'm sorry but this is often the case and there is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is help you. Work on you, learn to love you. Know that being with someone and being in love with them involves none of what you are going through. It is an equal partnership that enriches your life rather than detract from it. You are at a point of diminished returns with your wife, time to invest in you. 1
BC1980 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 OP, I was also thinking some codependency problems because you stated her happiness is more important than yours. That is a dangerous thing to say, and I was once of that mindset as well. Again, I don't feel that she is putting off making a decision because she wants to be with you. I think she WISHES she wanted to be with you because it would be a lot easier than getting a divorce, and she doesn't want to hurt you.
tobrieornottobrie Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I'll definitely be praying for you and your wife, best of luck to you. the brie's cheese knees
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Your wife had an affair and now she has left, leaving you alone in the house you shared. But you, instead of adopting the moral high ground here, which you would be very entitled to do, have allowed her to take control. She now appears to be in the driving seat. You have done nothing wrong, yet you seem to be the one that is upset, barely functioning and begging for her to come home. Instead of feeling remorseful, sick inside and determined to appease, she is coldly holding you at arm's length. You are acting like a neglected puppy, hoping its master will notice it and give it some affection. I agree with the others, you need to ignore her and let her eat a bit of humble pie. I know you want to be warm and cuddly and make sure she comes back to you, but most of us when presented with that sort of niceness, paradoxically feel like kicking it in the teeth. So grow a hard thick skin. Nothing you can do now will alter the outcome, she will either come home or she won't, but you need to erect some boundaries here, she played you for a fool and will continue to do so, unless you change and she knows you have changed. Also forget what she says, as she will say anything, but look at her actions. Her actions tell you what she is really feeling. The fact she is giving up on the counselling maybe tells you something, sorry.
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