misty12 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Me: I was trying to call you. I wanted to know if you wanted food from Brother's Pizza, I would have picked it up for us for dinner. Husband: You should have picked it up anyway. Me: well how about we go together Husband: I might want to do that, but I still need to take a shower 30 min later, goes upstairs takes shower, and within an hour comes downstairs fully dressed. Sits on the couch. Husband: I don't want to go Me: why not? Husband: I'm not really hungry. Me: why didn't you say so earlier? thanks for wasting an hour of my time, I'm starving. I'll go make something for myself. I go in the kitchen, make myself a plate, and come back into the living room. While I'm eating... Husband: I'm really in the mood for Brother's Pizza
Divasu Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 He appears indecisive. This comment I dislike: Husband: You should have picked it up anyway. The problem with recognizing emotional abuse, is, it is elusive in nature. I recall a give-away when an ex was doing it, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I felt frozen with panic. Other times, I felt it in my gut. It felt like being punched in the stomach, but, in my head. It takes a lot of time to rebuild yourself after coming out of a situation like that. If you find it difficult to recognize, maybe confide in a professional as they will probably be able to guide you best. 2
Author misty12 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 The problem with recognizing emotional abuse, is, it is elusive in nature. exactly, which is why I don't recognize it until after it happens and even then I'm not sure. If this story was reversed, I will feel grateful that he would think to pick up food for me, and I would feel bad that I didn't answer the phone when he called. You are right in that he is always really indecisive. He didn't feel bad in the least that he changed his mind while I will sitting on the couched dressed waiting for him for an hour and he knew I was really hungry.
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 He's not really being abusive. I would say it's more emotional manipulation via passive/aggressive methods. To me, emotional abuse leaves you feeling drained, powerless, weakened, deflated and defeated. not a single blow is dealt but your heart is rent asunder and your mind is totally f**ked with. Your H? he's just being a right royal manipulative, passive/aggressive pain in the aspects... 2
Divasu Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 exactly, which is why I don't recognize it until after it happens and even then I'm not sure. That may in fact be a clue. Because, well, it kind of sneaks up on you and you're left thinking "what just happened"? If this story was reversed, I will feel grateful that he would think to pick up food for me, and I would feel bad that I didn't answer the phone when he called. You are right in that he is always really indecisive. He didn't feel bad in the least that he changed his mind while I will sitting on the couched dressed waiting for him for an hour and he knew I was really hungry. The pizza discussion, I can not tell you how many times my own mother has reacted to me in that manner. I spent all day once, making hand made pizza for her and I, I brought it to her, her response to me was "that's it, what am I supposed to do with this small piece?" I got so mad and felt so hurt. So, I try as much as possible to separate myself from her emotionally. Sucks. You on the other hand, don't have that luxury (separating yourself emotionally) because of the dynamic (husband and wife). I think you're feeling, something, so I'm glad you are paying attention to it and not afraid to reach out to others for help, like you've done here. How long have you been married? 1
Author misty12 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 How long have you been married? married for 14 years. There have been many more examples of over abuse (name calling, anger outbursts) but hubby has promised to change because now have one foot out the door. This exchange happened last night so I'm trying to assess how much he has really changed. The name calling and criticism has stopped for the most part. Don't want to be played for a fool
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 married for 14 years. There have been many more examples of over abuse (name calling, anger outbursts) but hubby has promised to change because now have one foot out the door. This exchange happened last night so I'm trying to assess how much he has really changed. The name calling and criticism has stopped for the most part. Don't want to be played for a fool He has changed for as much as it has taken to lull you into believing he has changed. Once he knows you may well be withdrawing the foot, he can again begin the behaviour because as he did it before, and it took a little effort on his part to keep you where he wants you, he knows that if you 'threaten' the same departure again, he can go back to making that little effort until you take the foot out of the door - again, and so on and so forth, the cycle will continue....
Divasu Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 married for 14 years. There have been many more examples of over abuse (name calling, anger outbursts) but hubby has promised to change because now have one foot out the door. This exchange happened last night so I'm trying to assess how much he has really changed. The name calling and criticism has stopped for the most part. Don't want to be played for a fool That's good. My only other suggestion at this time, is, try not to get too lost/overly focused on his behaviors/reactions whereby you lose sight of yours. It's very easy to feed into it and then it just turns into one big cluster. Otherwise, sounds like you've got a good assessment on things.
Got it Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.[1][2][3] Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, and abuse in the workplace.[2][3] So, no. A pain in the butt for sure, and manipulative/passive aggressive but that wouldn't be emotional abuse.
todreaminblue Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I dont think its abusive...why dont you talk to him about it ....tell him how it made you feel...and next time ....before resentment whacks you over the head with ill feelings towards him ....say hey......i really dont like it when you do this.....it is confusing to me......or better yet pick up the pizza anyway beforehand like you wanted to, like he said you should have, and get his fave that you know he likes ......best wishes.....deb
anika99 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't see the pizza thing as abusive. Was your husband belittling or angry at you during this time. If he did something like yell at you for not picking the pizza up on the way home or if he attacked you for getting yourself something to eat after he said he wasn't hungry then I would see abuse, but it sounds like he just being lazy and couldn't make up his mind. Annoying for sure, but not abusive. How did it all turn out? Did he go get his pizza?
preraph Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Me: I was trying to call you. I wanted to know if you wanted food from Brother's Pizza, I would have picked it up for us for dinner. Husband: You should have picked it up anyway. Me: well how about we go together Husband: I might want to do that, but I still need to take a shower 30 min later, goes upstairs takes shower, and within an hour comes downstairs fully dressed. Sits on the couch. Husband: I don't want to go Me: why not? Husband: I'm not really hungry. Me: why didn't you say so earlier? thanks for wasting an hour of my time, I'm starving. I'll go make something for myself. I go in the kitchen, make myself a plate, and come back into the living room. While I'm eating... Husband: I'm really in the mood for Brother's Pizza Actually, my big sister used to pull this crap on me to get me to do something she was too lazy to do. First, try to find some way to make you do it. Then say she doesn't want it, thinking you'll go get it for yourself and she can have some. Sounds like my friend's ex husband who wouldn't help pay for a car or insurance saying he'd ride his bike 20 miles to work. But once she got herself a car, he may as well ride into town with her. I would say it's garden variety a**holery.
Author misty12 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 How did it all turn out? Did he go get his pizza? No he didn't. I'm not really sure if he ate anything at all. What annoyed me about it is that he said that after I expressed that I was unhappy he made me wait an hour while I was really hungry only to tell me he didn't want to go. It's almost like he was deliberately pouring salt in my wound. Either that, or he was venting his frustration at the conflict between his own laziness and desire for pizza, and just disregarded my feelings altogether.
Author misty12 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Sounds like my friend's ex husband who wouldn't help pay for a car or insurance saying he'd ride his bike 20 miles to work. But once she got herself a car, he may as well ride into town with her. I would say it's garden variety a**holery. Oh wow, your friend must have wanted to strangle him!
Got it Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No he didn't. I'm not really sure if he ate anything at all. What annoyed me about it is that he said that after I expressed that I was unhappy he made me wait an hour while I was really hungry only to tell me he didn't want to go. It's almost like he was deliberately pouring salt in my wound. Either that, or he was venting his frustration at the conflict between his own laziness and desire for pizza, and just disregarded my feelings altogether. Then you put perimeters in place so you can proceed forward. You say, I am going to get pizza, do you want any? And then you move forward. Going forward do not wait for him to decide, shower, etc. If you are hungry then fix the problem. My husband knows when I am hungry, I will unleash the Kracken. Same for him. So we don't mess around with hunger. We teach people how we want to be treated. If you don't like this then put in time sensitive boundaries to protect yourself. And if he pisses and moans ignore him. 1
GemmaUK Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Then you put perimeters in place so you can proceed forward. You say, I am going to get pizza, do you want any? And then you move forward. Going forward do not wait for him to decide, shower, etc. If you are hungry then fix the problem. My husband knows when I am hungry, I will unleash the Kracken. Same for him. So we don't mess around with hunger. We teach people how we want to be treated. If you don't like this then put in time sensitive boundaries to protect yourself. And if he pisses and moans ignore him. I agree. If you want pizza and are hungry, get pizza. He sounds indecisive but also you sound a bit like you need his approval and will just wait around. It was only pizza. It sounds a bit like you are both winding each other up somewhat. You could have called out and said you were off to get pizza as you're starving and did he want anything. If my man wanted pizza I would hope he goes and gets it and shows some independence. If I then want some when I smell it then that's my own fault for not saying I wanted any cos I know I always will want it when I smell it...
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Basically it all depends if this was deliberate or not. If this was an attempt to upset you and derail you, then that is emotional abuse, but if this was just - I'm hungry... No I'm not... I feel like a shower... I don't feel like going out... Oh wait I could really do with a pizza... Then he is just doing what his body was telling him to do. Selfish yes perhaps, but emotional abuse no. You should have answered your own needs first by just buying the pizzas and then let him fall in with you. You would have had your pizza, he may or may not have eaten his, but at least you would have been fed, you wouldn't have had to wait around for an hour and you would not be hurt by his selfishness either.
beatcuff Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Me: well how about we go together Husband: I might want to do that, but I still need to take a shower <<snip>> Me: why not? Husband: I'm not really hungry. so he hedged with MIGHT, then decided no. a/k/a changing your mind. is that not allowed, guess not by your response (below): Me: why didn't you say so earlier? thanks for wasting an hour of my time, I'm starving. I'll go make something for myself. emotional abuse --- sounds like it to me: by YOU.
autumnnight Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No, this is NOT emotional abuse. I get that it's annoying, but no. NOT abuse.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 so he hedged with MIGHT, then decided no. a/k/a changing your mind. is that not allowed, guess not by your response (below): emotional abuse --- sounds like it to me: by YOU. Ah, so...YOU'RE the husband.....!
NoMoreJerks Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Sounds like a tantrum to me.... Immature, manipulative, and borderline abusive.
Adele0908 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I've come to realize that when people are emotionally abusing you, it's really a sign that you need to be more assertive and stand up for yourself. It feels like emotional abuse when someone says something abusive or disrespectful and you choose to stew silently trying to "overlook" it, which builds up the negative emotions inside you, and you miss out on the chance to stand up for yourself or defend yourself or be assertive. i've learned that 9 times out of 10, our partners may love us, but may see this weakness in us that we cannot see in ourselves. Or they may have the abusive character flaw within them and need someone to set boundaries with them. Another possibility is that they are just feeling crappy inside and want you to feel as bad as they do. Regardless of which reason it is, standing up to them and standing up for yourself and validating your own feelings is the way to change the situation. You cannot change others, only yourself. You may be the quiet type or someone who tries to take the high ground, and that is commendable, but sometimes taking the high ground is an excuse to avoid conflict. Maybe as a child you had to learn to avoid conflict in your household. I did. My father was a harsh disciplinarian, and I learned to be passive and quiet. Regardless, finding your own voice and standing up for yourself might totally transform the situation. Pointing fingers and blaming, however will not. If standing up for yourself and validating your own feelings publicly is a difficult thing to do, that means it's precisely what you need to do. Edited November 18, 2014 by Adele0908
Author misty12 Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I've come to realize that when people are emotionally abusing you, it's really a sign that you need to be more assertive and stand up for yourself. It feels like emotional abuse when someone says something abusive or disrespectful and you choose to stew silently trying to "overlook" it, which builds up the negative emotions inside you, and you miss out on the chance to stand up for yourself or defend yourself or be assertive. i've learned that 9 times out of 10, our partners may love us, but may see this weakness in us that we cannot see in ourselves. Or they may have the abusive character flaw within them and need someone to set boundaries with them. Another possibility is that they are just feeling crappy inside and want you to feel as bad as they do. Regardless of which reason it is, standing up to them and standing up for yourself and validating your own feelings is the way to change the situation. You cannot change others, only yourself. You may be the quiet type or someone who tries to take the high ground, and that is commendable, but sometimes taking the high ground is an excuse to avoid conflict. Maybe as a child you had to learn to avoid conflict in your household. I did. My father was a harsh disciplinarian, and I learned to be passive and quiet. Regardless, finding your own voice and standing up for yourself might totally transform the situation. Pointing fingers and blaming, however will not. If standing up for yourself and validating your own feelings publicly is a difficult thing to do, that means it's precisely what you need to do. This is pretty thought provoking. So I wonder..is it better to try to transform the situation by changing your response, or leaving and finding someone who does not have the potential to be abusive? This is what I struggle with. Because even if you change your partner's behavior, deep down, isn't he still someone capable of abusing another person?
Adele0908 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 This is pretty thought provoking. So I wonder..is it better to try to transform the situation by changing your response, or leaving and finding someone who does not have the potential to be abusive? This is what I struggle with. Because even if you change your partner's behavior, deep down, isn't he still someone capable of abusing another person? From my own personal experience....and I have been through this with men, women, colleagues, and strangers....it's good to at least try to deal with the situation in front of you. And actually, it makes sense. That means you're dealing with reality. Rather than placing your happiness in the future, or the past. You are truly taking charge when you deal with a situation head on. Imagine how empowering that feels. This is one way we grow. What I have experienced is that if you try to run away, the Universe may just place that situation in front of you again, until you learn the lesson and face your fears. If you do find someone who "does not have the potential for abuse", you may find that you are not attracted to them. But you can try it. You never know. But from my experience, the best thing to do is face reality, acknowledge your feelings, validate them, and then express them. Once you heal that aspect of yourself, you can attract someone who may be better for you. 1
travelbug1996 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 focus on your needs and meeting them. You were hungry and should have gotten enough for the both of you. He is passive aggressive and dealing with that personality is like trying to herd cats. Don't worry your head off.
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