Peace2015 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 My boyfriend is 45 I am 41, I have a 12,14 year old, that I share joint custody with my x husband. He has never been married, only 3 girlfriends his whole life. We work together and both make a good wage. When dated for 4 years. His mother cut out articles about how bad divorce women are and kept telling him to be careful of me. He actually told me this. She also would not even look at me the first year and a half on holidays. I wanted her to be ok with me I made cookies and stuff for her and after that she would at least smile at me. My question is would most women be offended?? Also , he would not allow me to go out with my girlfriends twice a year but he could play softball and hang at bar twice a week. He has in occasion called me a cunt, slut, whore, useless piece of ****, if people got to know me they would not like me. Called me spongbob square pants. I am by no means any of these things. We drove together to work 4 days a week, it was a 15 min drive he wanted $10 a week from me. I said but I pack our lunches. He says, what, your useless lunches. He would say I never did anything for him. I baked him things , would make our coffee and have it in his cup the 2 mornings I was there. I would run to store and get stuff for breakfast , wether to cook it or run to panera. All while he was sleeping. He helped clean out my truck, fix closet door,he put together a desk for me , I took us to a jacuzzi sweet for New Year's Eve for him putting it together. On one of his rants about me not doing enough for him, I brought that up. He screamed, that was for us!!! Not just for me!!! What do u do just for me!!! First time we went to cider mill he had me pay , 20 min later he said he wanted to buy his mom cider and donuts. My bday he bought me a card and a little cake. And told me not to pay him the 40 I owe him. From kohls, he put it on his card to get kohls cash. So ok- that's fine. But then 2 weeks later it was Easter and we are walking thru store and he says I should get my mom flowers for Easter. And yes he should, but should he have thought that for me too!! Like I said I baked tjings for him. Everything was even we both paid for dinners. It was my bday though. And one time I asked him to make a dinner I like. First tjing out of his mouth is. Then I can bring some to my mom. On sweetest day. I had $50 gift card to red lobster. So I pd. I got him hour massage - he got me flowers. Then we go to movies. I had coupons for free popcorn and $3 off each ticket. He stood back and let me pay. Normal??
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Holy mother.... you actually need to ask......?! No. 3
Author Peace2015 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 Holy mother.... you actually need to ask......?! No. Thank you! I swear I feel like I'm Crazy! I love that quote!!
preraph Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 This is a perfect example of when you are better off with no one. 5
CaliGypsy Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) No , normal men don't call women the kinds of degrading names you mentioned. Why do you want to be with a person like that? And if a dude called the lunch I made him useless? He'd be wearing it. Look , at some point you made a decision that you were ok with his behavior,if you continued to allow it. Personally? I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with a person who doesn't respect me. Edited November 16, 2014 by CaliGypsy I prefer to do my proof reading after the fact ;) 1
Author Peace2015 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 Holy mother.... you actually need to ask......?! No. No , normal men don't call women the kinds of degrading names you mentioned. Why do you want to be with a person like that? And if a dude called the lunch I made him useless? He'd be wearing it. Look , at some point you made a decision that you were ok with his behavior,if you continued to allow it. Personally? I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with a person who doesn't respect me.[/quote. I just loved him and I was with my x husband from16 -36. Then straight to him. Not a lot of experience. Is this what dating is like?
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 No , normal men don't call women the kinds of degrading names you mentioned. Why do you want to be with a person like that? And if a dude called the lunch I made him useless? He'd be wearing it. Look , at some point you made a decision that you were ok with his behavior,if you continued to allow it. Personally? I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with a person who doesn't respect me. I just loved him and I was with my x husband from16 -36. Then straight to him. Not a lot of experience. Is this what dating is like? Dating - good dating - is when you treat someone with dignity, respect, kindness, consideration and affection, and they do the same to you. Dating does not make you think you are crazy, stupid, dumb, perpetually wrong or belittled. This is not dating. This is voluntary imprisonment. Voluntary, because you're choosing to stay 'locked in' a situation that actually, has no lock, no key and no hindrance. Please, leave. stay on your own, build up your confidence, enjoy being a free agent, live a life you'd like to live, doing what you want, going where you want, spending your money on yourself alone. The best relationship in the world ist the one we develop and cultivate with ourselves, to our advantage. 2
Author Peace2015 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 Thank you!! He would do something nice occasionally but then throw it in my face. All the while doing things for his mom. And he should , but 4 years, shouldn't he feel that way about the women he loves too??or am I odd for thinking that too?? My self esteem is so low. I just keep questioning myself
angel.eyes Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 He has in occasion called me a cunt, slut, whore, useless piece of ****, if people got to know me they would not like me. Called me spongbob square pants. I am by no means any of these things. We drove together to work 4 days a week, it was a 15 min drive he wanted $10 a week from me. I said but I pack our lunches. He says, what, your useless lunches. He would say I never did anything for him. I baked him things , would make our coffee and have it in his cup the 2 mornings I was there. I would run to store and get stuff for breakfast , wether to cook it or run to panera. All while he was sleeping... I just loved him and I was with my x husband from16 -36. Then straight to him. Not a lot of experience. Is this what dating is like? No, certainly not healthy dating. Healthy relationships involve give-and-take, compromise, respect, and mutually attempting to meet each other's needs. Before you can love someone else, you need to learn to love yourself. Spend some time being single.
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Thank you!! He would do something nice occasionally but then throw it in my face. All the while doing things for his mom. And he should , but 4 years, shouldn't he feel that way about the women he loves too??or am I odd for thinking that too?? My self esteem is so low. I just keep questioning myself Never question yourself when your head is in a fog. You'll never come up with straight or consistent answers. What you do, is find a really good relationships forum, ask a question there and... Oh.... hang on.... yeah, gotcha. No, question us. And we've given you pretty clear and succinct responses. Now, you need to form a strategy to get yourself out of there, for good. Who can you go to? How can you get out? How can you make sure he cannot either stop you, or pursue you? 2
CaliGypsy Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 A lot of us have been in less than ideal relationships , marriages, whatever the case might be. I really do understand that there are times you're too close to see things clearly. When you do ,and you choose to stay anyway, you're choosing dysfunction. Your inner voice is telling you this dude is wrong, listen to it. Men do not talk to women the way he talks to you. Not ever. You're right though , you need to realize your own self worth. That you deserve a healthy relationship. I would not want my children to see me being treated like that. 1
Author Peace2015 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 You're so right! I chose it. I do not even live with this man, nor do I depend on him for anything. Which makes me look even more foolish. I would Alwsys just excuse it. He was supposed to go to my sons game for first time , so he was going to meet my x husband. My 13 year old daughter asked if I ever met his x gf. I said no, he had shown me a pic on FB. She asked to see. So I showed her. I told him the following day and he yelled, what kind of mother are you!!!! I could not do anything right or do enough for him. Impossible to please. And I'm a damn good mother !! Empathetic , good grades, athletic. Wonderful , well rounded children. Thank you for commenting. It makes me see maybe I was not crazy.
mrs rubble Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 What's the attraction? He's an abusive momma's boy! Would you be happy if your daughter was treated this way? You are teaching her that his behaviour is acceptable. If it continues expect to deal with the fall out. 1
Author Peace2015 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 My kids did not know. But you are right.
newmoon Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 A lot of us have been in less than ideal relationships , marriages, whatever the case might be. I really do understand that there are times you're too close to see things clearly. When you do ,and you choose to stay anyway, you're choosing dysfunction. Your inner voice is telling you this dude is wrong, listen to it. Men do not talk to women the way he talks to you. Not ever. You're right though , you need to realize your own self worth. That you deserve a healthy relationship. I would not want my children to see me being treated like that. so true. i have never been called anything even remotely like what this guy says to you. but when i look back at things bf's have said i am ashamed i let them get away with it. you just have to know that you're worth much more than what he's giving. wow, i'd be so gone if those words were coming from a bf. how can you be intimate with someone who says stuff like that to you? i don't understand. just leave him, please. 1
ConfusedCanadian Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 No man should talk to his GF/wife like this, I would never imagine ever insulting my GF like that(if I did I know she wouldn't be my GF for long), he should be talking you up and saying how beautiful he thinks you are how much he wants you not degrading you! 1
preraph Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 A man who can love is going to be trying to be protective and caring about you and trying to make you happy, not tearing you down making you feel bad. That's controlling, not loving. Even before they know if they love you, you should see signs of willingness to support your goals and protect and make you happy.
Author Peace2015 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I don't know why or how. He would twist tjings so I would think, well, maybe I am being unreasonable. I would go to some of his games on Thursdays. He Alwsys wanted to stay. I did not. It was just him and his bro and buddy. So I would say I'm going to game but afterwards I'll just go home and u stsy. He was furious about this. Yelling everything he does for me , I should stay. Shoukd I have just stayed?? That's what I would start windering
Author Peace2015 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 I think he wanted me to feel bad. I know he loved me. He just was. .. I don't know
ConfusedCanadian Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I don't know why or how. He would twist tjings so I would think, well, maybe I am being unreasonable. I would go to some of his games on Thursdays. He Alwsys wanted to stay. I did not. It was just him and his bro and buddy. So I would say I'm going to game but afterwards I'll just go home and u stsy. He was furious about this. Yelling everything he does for me , I should stay. Shoukd I have just stayed?? That's what I would start windering If you aren't asking him to leave with you, I don't see why he is getting upset, if anyone is being unreasonable he is!
Author Peace2015 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Posted November 17, 2014 Exactly! I told him you stay(even though I was not ALLOWED) to go out twice a year. With my girlfriends. Because he plays ball and hangs at bar with them thursdsays and sundsys. He prob knew deep down he should leave with me , because it was usually 10:00 pm. But he wanted to stay
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Peace2015, I'm sorry, but at every point I've "seen" you avoid the matter. I brought it up, as have others, but you're not addressing the crux of the issue. This is utterly unacceptable behaviour on his part. You are not crazy - you never were. The situation is toxic and is teaching your children the wrong things: About relationships, but more importantly, about their mother. And so far, they can see she's a doormat. so I'm asking you again: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ORDER TO LEAVE?
lollipopspot Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 This is a no brainer. Get the hell away. It doesn't matter what his good qualities are, the bad are so terrible they can't make up for it. A lot of relationships on here are not so clear cut. The male or female may have some issues, but it's seldom as easy to make a definitive statement as this. Someone who calls their partner these names is not worth being with. And you don't even live together - he has no business "allowing" you to see your friends or not. There's nothing wrong with seeing your friends, even if you are in a relationship. This needs to be over, for your sanity and safety. This guy is very, very bad news. Exactly! I told him you stay(even though I was not ALLOWED) to go out twice a year. With my girlfriends. Because he plays ball and hangs at bar with them thursdsays and sundsys. He prob knew deep down he should leave with me , because it was usually 10:00 pm. But he wanted to stay 1
littleblackheart Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Before you leave, make sure you are mentally prepared to face the repercussions. Someone very close to me left his wife of 11 years after years of mental abuse (have a look at the definition of narcissistic manipulator, it may help), the type you describe - verbal put-downs, gas-lighting, blowing hot and cold, giving half-truths then denying things she'd say, making him feel like he was going crazy, etc...). He now freely admits that he was a co-dependent, and got sucked in in her web of lies and lost all his confidence and self-worth in the process, and that despite everyone telling him she was not right. In the end, he felt so weakened, isolated, worthless and cornered (his words) that leaving the relationship was his survival instincts kicking in, but she made his life a misery for months by begging him to come back, made him feel bad for leaving ,to the point where he almost considered getting back with her. It's been a few years and he's now found the loveliest of women, who treats him with the love and respect that he (and you) deserve. It took him untold strength, nerves of steel and the constant support of a loving family/friends to help him get through it. I don't know how serious your predicament is (sounds serious enough to me), but my advice would be to talk about all of it to someone you can trust asap and put a plan of action in place. 1
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