He's not REALLY looking for a chess opponent, is he?

[the_entertainer1]

Just after Christmas last year, I went on a couple of dates with a guy I met through a dating site. We only live a few streets away from each other. I felt like we really hit it off and had good chemistry (and he was a good kisser, lol) but a couple of days after the second date he texted me to say that he didn't think we were suited, even though he'd mentioned a third date.

 

I (probably immaturely) didn't reply to his text. I was a little hurt at first, and didn't know why he felt that we weren't suited, but I moved on and saw another guy for a few months.

 

We've run into each other a few times this year though; as we live close by to each other, we'd occasionally see each other on the bus on the way to/from work. I was always on there before him, but he'd come and talk to me when he got on.

 

Last night, the dating site showed that he'd viewed my profile. This morning I sent him a message on the site to see if he wanted to reconnect - it was one of those preset messages that suggests we be friends. He texted me shortly afterwards (i.e. not through the dating site) and said "sounds like a good idea how have you been?" and we've been texting on and off throughout the day. He randomly asked if I play chess and I asked "should I start practicing? :p" and he responded "I'm not very good lol but I need someone to play against :)"

 

I responded and said "that could be arranged ;)" and he replied "ok cool, send me a message when you want to play I'm off to bed now, good night :)"

 

He's not REALLY just looking for a chess opponent, is he? What's the deal?

[Fondue]

He could legitimately want to play-- but perhaps he has other plans in mind.

 

I assume you guys would play in doors, right? Which would likely give him the opportunity to take out a glass of wine, joke around a bit, and perhaps put some moves on you.

 

If that tickles your fancy, go for it. Otherwise approach with caution.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If he wasn't interested in dating you back then, I doubt he will be now. A person knows when they've got something good going on and doesn't throw it away unless they're sure that it shouldn't go any further.

 

Chances are he's either a) bored and looking for a friend to play chess with or b) wondering if maybe he can get some sex out of the situation. He's probably also wondering why you got back in touch when he blew you off, it makes it look like you don't have many other options. Sorry to be harsh, we've all been rejected, I know I have. But I wouldn't go chasing after a guy that told me he didn't want to continue dating me.

 

What do you want? If just a friend, go for it. If anything more, avoid. I think you want the latter though, or you wouldn't be posting here analysing it.

[the_entertainer1]

If he wasn't interested in dating you back then, I doubt he will be now. A person knows when they've got something good going on and doesn't throw it away unless they're sure that it shouldn't go any further.

 

Chances are he's either a) bored and looking for a friend to play chess with or b) wondering if maybe he can get some sex out of the situation. He's probably also wondering why you got back in touch when he blew you off, it makes it look like you don't have many other options. Sorry to be harsh, we've all been rejected, I know I have. But I wouldn't go chasing after a guy that told me he didn't want to continue dating me.

 

What do you want? If just a friend, go for it. If anything more, avoid. I think you want the latter though, or you wouldn't be posting here analysing it.

 

You make some good points. I'm not sure why he didn't want to keep dating. Maybe he saw met prettier or something. I was kinda inexperienced and maybe giving off weird vibes ... I really wish I knew, I'm so curious.

 

In terms of me getting in touch after he blew me off ... it's been nearly a year and we're both still using the dating site. I only got in touch after I saw that he'd viewed my profile a few times and sent him one of those "I think we could be friends" automated messages. So maybe he really does want just friends (because I guess that's the impression I've just given him!) I guess I want to see where it might lead.

[Els]

If he wasn't interested in dating you back then, I doubt he will be now. A person knows when they've got something good going on and doesn't throw it away unless they're sure that it shouldn't go any further.

 

Chances are he's either a) bored and looking for a friend to play chess with or b) wondering if maybe he can get some sex out of the situation. He's probably also wondering why you got back in touch when he blew you off, it makes it look like you don't have many other options. Sorry to be harsh, we've all been rejected, I know I have. But I wouldn't go chasing after a guy that told me he didn't want to continue dating me.

 

What do you want? If just a friend, go for it. If anything more, avoid. I think you want the latter though, or you wouldn't be posting here analysing it.

 

I agree with this. Regardless of whether he genuinely wants to play chess or not, it sounds like he isn't interested in anything romantic if he cut things off with you earlier on.

[Emilia]

You make some good points. I'm not sure why he didn't want to keep dating. Maybe he saw met prettier or something. I was kinda inexperienced and maybe giving off weird vibes ... I really wish I knew, I'm so curious.

 

In terms of me getting in touch after he blew me off ... it's been nearly a year and we're both still using the dating site. I only got in touch after I saw that he'd viewed my profile a few times and sent him one of those "I think we could be friends" automated messages. So maybe he really does want just friends (because I guess that's the impression I've just given him!) I guess I want to see where it might lead.

Why? Why does it matter? Your insecurity is talking, you are hoping he is going to give you some validation down the line after rejecting you. You owe more to yourself, don't you think? He rejected you and you want to be friends?

[the_entertainer1]

Why? Why does it matter? Your insecurity is talking, you are hoping he is going to give you some validation down the line after rejecting you. You owe more to yourself, don't you think? He rejected you and you want to be friends?

 

I see your point, but I'm not taking it that seriously, and am actually going on a first date with another guy tomorrow. (i.e. not seeking validation from THIS guy).

 

As for the rejection ... I think you guys are making a bigger deal of it than it is (but then again, I did ask for others' opinions!) I don't think it's that big a deal anymore because:

a) it was nearly a year ago (and I've since dated another guy)

b) we've run into each other 4 or 5 times and been on friendly terms

c) he started up the conversation and is suggesting hanging out.

 

As I said before, it did sting a little bit when he said he didn't want to date anymore. But I think he IS a nice guy (most other guys would just "ghost" away) and we have a few things in common. And we live close to each other - it's convenient to have friends who live close by!

 

I just re-read this post and it seems like I'm trying to justify myself, to myself. I'm not. I guess I'm just an optimist.

[Emilia]

I see your point, but I'm not taking it that seriously, and am actually going on a first date with another guy tomorrow. (i.e. not seeking validation from THIS guy).

 

As for the rejection ... I think you guys are making a bigger deal of it than it is (but then again, I did ask for others' opinions!) I don't think it's that big a deal anymore because:

a) it was nearly a year ago (and I've since dated another guy)

b) we've run into each other 4 or 5 times and been on friendly terms

c) he started up the conversation and is suggesting hanging out.

 

As I said before, it did sting a little bit when he said he didn't want to date anymore. But I think he IS a nice guy (most other guys would just "ghost" away) and we have a few things in common. And we live close to each other - it's convenient to have friends who live close by!

 

I just re-read this post and it seems like I'm trying to justify myself, to myself. I'm not. I guess I'm just an optimist.

I think you need to be better at drawing your boundaries and not being too nice. I'm sure there are much better ways of making friends than talking to some random guys on a dating site.

 

The reason I'm being so blunt is that I know this is the way to get caught up in absolute and complete BS with guys that aren't all that interested. Those threads are a dime a dozen here. Firm boundaries OP, no fake friends and justifying crap.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Emilia hit the nail on the head!

 

If you're curious why it didn't go any further, why not ask him? There's no shame in that if you're sure you can handle the answer.

 

I dated a guy a year or so ago, and I would have liked to see him more and see where it went but he kinda just never arranged another date (I did try but he said he couldn't make it and never tried to rearrange). We stayed pals (we have some pretty niche music interests in common and never even kissed so it was good to make a new 'mate' especially as a gig buddy!) and a year or so later I asked him why he didn't wanna date any further. I was curious really, I wasn't heartbroken he didn't want a third date and didn't think we'd work long term but I wondered why he'd felt that way. Turns out that he thought we were both too busy to even meet regularly, and when I asked for his absolute honest opinion about what I'm like to date (The only person I've ever asked!) he admitted I'd overshared on the second date a bit. I didn't really realise I had, and everyone's thresholds are different, but I was interested to see it from his perspective and if I were single again I'd take more care to keep things light for a lot longer (he did ask me what my family was like and without outright lying or blatantly brushing it off it was impossible really not to give him the info which was pretty depressing admittedly).

 

So yeah, ask him? I think I just phrased it as 'so how come we never went out again?' or something, and he didn't mind answering.

 

Maybe it'll help you scratch that itch and help you to move on and see he's not worth bothering with. Some on here would advise against it saying it's not worth finding out or it's desperate but as long as you just want to know, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

[aussietigerwolf]

Id just be careful that he isn't setting you up to be a booty call.

[the_entertainer1]

So I went to his place today. The weather was supposed to be nice so we'd arranged to go hiking, but it was pouring with rain in the morning so he called me and we decided to stick with the original plan to have a game of chess at his place.

 

We had a really good game, actually - went for around 2 hours! Conversation during was fairly lighthearted and easygoing. It didn't feel awkward. After chess (and lunch) we were watching tv and he asked why I'd messaged him out of the blue. I said it was because I'd seen we were both still on the dating website and I'd just wanted to see what might happen. We chatted a little more (probably unlike most girls, I'm not that great about expressing my feelings!) but we ended up kissing. Then he suggested we go to his bed because the couch wasn't very comfortable. If I'm to be completely honest, it was the "furthest", sexually speaking, that I've gone - I'm more inexperienced than most people would assume, given my age (25). So we made out on his bed for a while. Some clothes were removed, lol. He wanted things to go a bit further but I said it would be better to take things a bit more slowly, and he agreed, so he seemed content with what we were doing. He doesn't know the extent of my inexperience and I didn't feel like that was the right time to mention it. Anyway, after a while, just lay there for what seemed like ages, with him just cuddling me. He said he hadn't cuddled with anyone for ages, and was really enjoying it. We stayed like that for a while, just talking, and agreed that it was quite unexpected, but that it was good. He said we'd talk about it later. I had to get going; he walked me out, kissed me again and said "talk soon".

 

I don't usually randomly make out with guys like that, but I think I like this guy - I certainly feel more chemistry with him than I have with anyone else for a while. If nothing comes of it, then it was a fun experience, but I'm kinda hoping that it will lead to something more substantial.

 

Any thoughts?

[Els]

 

I don't usually randomly make out with guys like that, but I think I like this guy - I certainly feel more chemistry with him than I have with anyone else for a while. If nothing comes of it, then it was a fun experience, but I'm kinda hoping that it will lead to something more substantial.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Sounds like both of you had a good time! If you like him, just keep seeing him, and see what becomes of it. Just be aware that even if he's kissing and cuddling you, he might not exactly be thinking about a relationship (especially in view of him rejecting you before). If that's what you want, then maintain your boundaries (both physical and emotional) til you observe otherwise.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Elswyth