BluEyeL Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I personally never sleep with anyone at the first date, or take my pants off, OR even make out, no matter who, what and how hot, he can be Mr. Universe, it's never going to happen. And I'm 42. I only have sex in an exclusive relationship, AFTER I know the guy well enough to trust that this has a chance for long term, and he has good character and same values as me. My number is still in single digits and I like it that way. Never had a problem. Men don't even try because I don't even go on one date with sleazy ones. She's texting waaaay too much though. WTH? Can you just save that kind of talk for face to face?? 1
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 I don't like your implication that I'm sleazy for wanting to sleep with her. My number isn't very high either and of the three women I've slept with within a short time, two of them eventually became long term relationships.
BluEyeL Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I don't like your implication that I'm sleazy for wanting to sleep with her. My number isn't very high either and of the three women I've slept with within a short time, two of them eventually became long term relationships. I wasn't saying you're sleazay. Someone else said he gets them to take their pants off at the first date. That's sleazy in my book. Your fine. I'd give her a couple more dates and see if she is just moving slow or not interested, before moving on.
CaliGypsy Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Personally Calvin ? When I'm seeing someone .. The hard part is waiting. You know what I mean ? She doesn't seem that interested to me .
veggirl Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Oh my God!!!!! You guys are exaggerating so much, it's crazy! Some people only have sex in exclusive relationships, not as sport! She opened up a discussion about sex! Everyone is different. Jumping to conclusions destroys relationships. Geez! She didn't just say she wants to wait until a relationship, she said she doesn't care about sex one way or another and doesn't do oral. There's taking it slowly (totally fine!) and then there's telling someone that you don't CARE if you have sex or not and you don't do oral. 2
ktya Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I honestly don't think that's the case. She texts me every day (almost too much) and wants to talk on the phone/facetime. I just think she's either really shy or inexperienced. Exactly. You are what I call a time filler. There are girls who want a time filler something feirce while they wait for the apple in their eye to come around. Its boring being single and alone at times. Having someone to text and talk to who fawns over you is a great way to fill the space. If she really wanted you it would be HER unzipping your pants and putting her face in your crotch, not you gently coaxing her into unreciprocated oral sex. Most girls would feel sort of bad for letting a guy go down on them a few times with no reciprocation or sex, to the point of at least getting them off somehow. She has another man, either an ex she wants back, or another guy who is keeping his distance, that she's thinking of.
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She sent a really long text this morning: "I really like you but I feel like I need to get to know you better before I can be really open about certain things. I don't think communicating about feelings is mushy I just really don't know how to respond sometimes because I'm not a really declarative person or demonstrative person. Maybe that's a problem, but my style of "communicating" isn't going to change overnight. Communication styles to me are on par with having kids...if ppl are really different it could lead to resentment and frustration. Sure ppl can modify their styles but it takes time." I definitely feel like I'm not getting the full story here. I slept with my last two exes after three dates and the one before I had a hotel booked after the second. There's nothing wrong with my game. Well, I think ktya had a good bash in her post (#22) but what I see, is "take me as you find me, this is it, and I don't change for anyone." ('My style....isn't going to change overnight'). I think what she's telling you is that this could take an age, she's not prepared to compromise, WYSIWYG, and if you think you have what it takes, stick around, I may well let you into my world at some point, but it will be in my time and on my terms. ('sure ppl can modify their styles but it takes time'). It would be interesting to actually ask her, "Well, how much time? I mean, conservatively speaking, how long would you think it reasonable for me to be patient and wait until YOU declare the go-ahead?" probably not as bluntly - but however you phrase it, she will interpret it as an attempt to break down her barriers.... look, blunt question: Do you really want to work that hard? Take a look at the overall bigger picture, on the whole,and consider: Is she worth the wait? 1
ktya Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Well, I think ktya had a good bash in her post (#22) look, blunt question: Do you really want to work that hard? Take a look at the overall bigger picture, on the whole,and consider: Is she worth the wait? Lol. I'm a guy btw. haha Agree with you though.
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She sent a really long text this morning: "I really like you but I feel like I need to get to know you better before I can be really open about certain things. I don't think communicating about feelings is mushy I just really don't know how to respond sometimes because I'm not a really declarative person or demonstrative person. Maybe that's a problem, but my style of "communicating" isn't going to change overnight. Communication styles to me are on par with having kids...if ppl are really different it could lead to resentment and frustration. Sure ppl can modify their styles but it takes time." I think she is being this way because you two are only 'Dating', which means you are both open to date other people too. She is being smart by not jumping into bed with you so quickly because she values herself. She wants more than a roll in the hay. Is she someone you see as girlfriend material? If so, convey the message to her that you two are exclusive and I bet she will want to jump into bed with you then. There are lots of guys out there who hang around ('dating') for sex only. Show to her that she means more. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She is aware that what is currently going on is bothering you & she's TRYING. What I got from her latest text is that she wants to open up to you but that doesn't come easily to her & she is begging you to be patient. You haven't fully earned her trust yet. She may have been burned. She may be inexperienced. Whatever the issue, being with her is going to take more than 2 months & be more work then you -- or many posters on this thread -- seem to be willing to give her. The choice is yours but I don't necessarily see sex in your future this year unless something about her changes drastically. I do believe that her Qs about your grooming preferences are an indication that she does eventually want to have sex with you but you have to be patient. 2
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Lol. I'm a guy btw. haha Agree with you though. Oh, I'm so sorry, I DO apologise - I made the somewhat presumptuous assumption that 'ktya' was an easy anagram of 'katy'.... I was always wondering just what you did next..... I'll be sure to keep that in mind!
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 I didn't respond to her last text and a couple hours later she sent this: "I just feel like your feelings are stronger than mine at this point because I would like to spend more time with you in person. It's hard for me to develop feelings for someone based on texts and phone conversations." "I feel like that might have been harsh. I really mean can we just let things develop naturally without analyzing them?" "I feel like I upset you." I just text her this: "I think anytime you start a relationship, taking things slow is a given. But telling a potential partner that you're ambivalent about sex or that you're not at all interested in reciprocating oral sex, it just makes it pretty clear that I'm not getting the full story." "Especially when you've pretty much told them you're not dating around and you'd like to be exclusive. I'm not upset, I just think telling someone you really like them, but saying "if it happens, it happens", sends me the message that you're generally not interested." I'm getting the feeling she still has feelings for her ex and she's either still talking to him or plans to very soon.
preraph Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I think she sounds emotionally detached and clinical about sex. That's not good.
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 The woman told you she wants more in person interactions so you sent her a text? You two clearly are not communicating. 2
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 The woman told you she wants more in person interactions so you sent her a text? You two clearly are not communicating. Hang on - be fair - she told him she wants more in person - via text. They're both communicating by text so she's as much to 'blame'... I'm wondering why, if they are both texting, what's stopping them from actually - *GASP!!* dialing the numbers - And TALKING!!?
johnson_j Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Hang on - be fair - she told him she wants more in person - via text. They're both communicating by text so she's as much to 'blame'... I'm wondering why, if they are both texting, what's stopping them from actually - *GASP!!* dialing the numbers - And TALKING!!? I'm with ktya on this one. This "I need to feel a stronger connection in person" , blah blah. That's obvious. But it also sounds like she's using Calvin as a filler, coming up with excuses like "your feelings are stronger than mine", and the teller according to Calvin is that she over-texts, but then says she can't develop a connection over "text". Let me translate: "I need you to buy me more dinners and drinks and maybe I can stall out on the sex thing until someone more interesting (and/or) my ex comes back around. Calvin - be wary. 1
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 yes, ktya and I were in agreement too, further up the discussion. Barring the fact I thought ktya is female (he definitely isn't!) we're totally on the same page....
anna121 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She sounds like a lot of...work. Up to you to decide if she's worth it. I salute her for standing her ground, and waiting. BUT the signals she is sending is that sex is not that important to her. I need someone who ADORES sex. Who might decide to hold off while waiting to see if the person is a good egg, but for whom that would be DIFFICULT, because the attraction is strong. Also, I am a woman, but non-reciprocity on oral would be a deal-breaker for me. And I would not blame a guy in the least who felt the same way,
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 I called her and we talked for about half an hour. She relayed some insecurities about her body and put things in a perspective I can understand. She said she was going to try to be more forthcoming about her feelings and I've agreed to be less analytical and more understanding. 4
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 I think she is being this way because you two are only 'Dating', which means you are both open to date other people too. She is being smart by not jumping into bed with you so quickly because she values herself. She wants more than a roll in the hay. Is she someone you see as girlfriend material? If so, convey the message to her that you two are exclusive and I bet she will want to jump into bed with you then. There are lots of guys out there who hang around ('dating') for sex only. Show to her that she means more. She actually called me on Wednesday asking if I'd like to hide my dating profile and become exclusive.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 She likes you but seems the sexual chemistry isn't there. Someone in their 30's just making out for 2 months? No touching boobs, fingering her or her jerking you off? I can get the go slow thing but just kissing? Sounds like she isn't that sexually attracted but she wants to see what happens. Or maybe she's asexual or has a low sex drive.
guest569 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I called her and we talked for about half an hour. She relayed some insecurities about her body and put things in a perspective I can understand. She said she was going to try to be more forthcoming about her feelings and I've agreed to be less analytical and more understanding. Hooray! So much better to get the details cleared up isn't it? I think you'll get there. She feels insecure, wants to be exclusive before taking things further, you've been dating for 2 months and still using online dating. Doesn't sound like you've had a great deal of real contact. She sounds a bit inexperienced or maybe hasn't had a great sex life so far. If you like her, she will be worth the patience.
Diezel Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Too much work. That sums up this girl. And I don't think it's going to be worth it. Because if this is how it's going to be BEFORE sex, I can't imagine what it's going to be after. "She needs time." I get that. Maybe she does. But she's 30. Not 18. The fact that she's talking to him about shaving her privates, means she KNOWS and is conscious about the fact that he wants it. If 2 months into a relationship someone told me they were ambivalent about sex and that when "it happens, it happens" I would be running for the hills. Maybe someone else can put that amount of work into a relationship, but I don't have the time nor the patience for it. And there's nothing wrong with putting in work, and there's nothing wrong with not having time or patience... But that's two different styles at work here. As someone else said, she is going to be a "sex once a month" kinda girl, IF EVEN. She wants exclusivity without even being intimate? Whether it's intentional or not, it's emotional blackmail and I wouldn't take it. I would have easily said, "I'm kind of ambivalent about being exclusive, when it happens, it happens... I'd rather it happen organically." You two are on different pages, even still after the phone conversation. Tread carefully, most of the time when women are willing to make you wait MONTHS for sex, it might not be worth it. Specially if she has you verbally agreeing to a "contract" of exclusivity even before you've seen her naked.
Els Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I'm glad you seem to be working things out, and it is fairly common IMO for some women to want to wait for exclusivity at least. It sounds quite concerning that she was totally fine receiving oral sex from you without reciprocating though. If she's open to receiving she should be open to giving, IMO. Unless you have explicitly stated that you prefer giving and dislike receiving (which doesn't sound like the case), it seems very selfish of her to do that.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I called her and we talked for about half an hour. She relayed some insecurities about her body and put things in a perspective I can understand. She said she was going to try to be more forthcoming about her feelings and I've agreed to be less analytical and more understanding. If she can explain it to you in a way you can understand, and strike a deal with you, which in fact merely puts you on hold for just a bit longer, then this is a tactic she will always opt for. Because she knows it works. You'll understand, you'll understand, you'll understand. Other than 'trying to be more forthcoming' what else has she agreed she must bring to the relationship? Sorry, but this isn't opening up. This is just more of the same old delaying tactic. Pleading to your "Mr Nice Guy" side, placatory noises to make you think "Hey, hold on buddy, I'm pure gold, when you finally get through the 18" thick safe door..... and the 4' thick solid concrete, steel-reinforced walls - and past the dogs, guards and high-velocity rifles..... and the 7 square-mile perimeter.... honest, it will be worth it!!" Will it be? Do you really think so?
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