CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I started seeing someone at the end of September. She's 30, I'm 33. We get along well, but she's an INFJ (quiet introverted) Sagittarius and I'm an ENTJ (outgoing extrovert) Leo. I'm not getting bored, but perhaps feeling a lack of challenge. I like her (we have similar life goals/political leanings), but the slow pace is a little different than what I'm used to. She also doesn't seem to be interested in sex at all. I've asked her about it, politely, trying to be respectful. She says she's ambivalent and that if it happens, it happens. I have no issues waiting. I know she's not a virgin, since shes mentioned having at least one previous partner, as well as enjoying oral sex, but she also has no interest in reciprocating. Any advice, or are we perhaps sexually incompatible?
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 The relationship gives her everything she needs. But she could get that from living with a gay guy, or a Boston Terrier. You're the perfect partner. Platonically. If this is how you are feeling now, then get used to it, because she will not change, or give it up and meet you half way. Her ambivalence "if it happens it happens" means one thing, and one thing only: "I control the sex in this relationship, and I alone, and you ain't getting any until I feel like it." And when she will want sex, it's not because she will want you. It's because she will want sex. I think the crunch has come, and you need to show how YOU feel about matters, by NOT showing. In other words, dearest - it's high time you moved on. (PS: Buy her a puppy for Christmas, and tell her it replaces you. At least she'll have to actually make the effort of taking it out for walks....)
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 She already has a puppy. A Boston terrier, ironically enough. On our second date we bumped into her ex and I could've sworn he was gay, so you've hit the nail on the head with that analogy too. She called me Wednesday night and asked if I wanted to be exclusive and if what you're saying is true, I certainly have zero interest in being platonic. Here's the conversation for context: Her ":) I like a lot of the qualities that you have...you're interested in the world around you, you're considerate and artistic" Me "Dinner and a movie next weekend?" Her "Sure! Maybe we can go for sushi...the all you can eat place I went to next to the *where we had our first date* was good! Me "Sounds good!" The topic switched randomly to something sexual, surprisingly instigated by her.. Her "Question...do you prefer women who shave or who don't..." Me "I prefer neatly trimmed. Not a huge amount, but not completely bare either." Me "Which do you prefer?" Her "For men shaved for myself shaved...could not do Brazilian that would be too painful and unnecessary!" Me "that's a bit of an unexpected question" Me "Are you perhaps warming up to the idea of us being intimate?" Her "Maybe. I still need to see you a few more times in person first" Her "I find the conversation frustrating. Generally I feel ambivalent about oral sex but I also think that you don't really know what your preferences are until you know what kind of sexual chemistry you have with someone. Obviously some ppl are better at some things than others...like if someone is a crappy kisser it's not likely that they're going to improve much unless someone gives them extensive lessons" Me "I think that's definitely true about kissing, but not necessarily about oral. I've improved my techniques by reading books like Joy of Sex and She Comes First." Her "I feel like you're more interested in the topic of sex than I am...my approach to sex is it either happens or it doesn't and you work with what happens....it's an organic process. Like it's not something I would go and buy a book about to read about different perspectives" Me "I think a good sex life is part of a healthy relationship."
the_entertainer1 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She already has a puppy. A Boston terrier, ironically enough. On our second date we bumped into her ex and I could've sworn he was gay, so you've hit the nail on the head with that analogy too. She called me Wednesday night and asked if I wanted to be exclusive and if what you're saying is true, I certainly have zero interest in being platonic. Here's the conversation for context: Her ":) I like a lot of the qualities that you have...you're interested in the world around you, you're considerate and artistic" Me "Dinner and a movie next weekend?" Her "Sure! Maybe we can go for sushi...the all you can eat place I went to next to the *where we had our first date* was good! Me "Sounds good!" The topic switched randomly to something sexual, surprisingly instigated by her.. Her "Question...do you prefer women who shave or who don't..." Me "I prefer neatly trimmed. Not a huge amount, but not completely bare either." Me "Which do you prefer?" Her "For men shaved for myself shaved...could not do Brazilian that would be too painful and unnecessary!" Me "that's a bit of an unexpected question" Me "Are you perhaps warming up to the idea of us being intimate?" Her "Maybe. I still need to see you a few more times in person first" Her "I find the conversation frustrating. Generally I feel ambivalent about oral sex but I also think that you don't really know what your preferences are until you know what kind of sexual chemistry you have with someone. Obviously some ppl are better at some things than others...like if someone is a crappy kisser it's not likely that they're going to improve much unless someone gives them extensive lessons" Me "I think that's definitely true about kissing, but not necessarily about oral. I've improved my techniques by reading books like Joy of Sex and She Comes First." Her "I feel like you're more interested in the topic of sex than I am...my approach to sex is it either happens or it doesn't and you work with what happens....it's an organic process. Like it's not something I would go and buy a book about to read about different perspectives" Me "I think a good sex life is part of a healthy relationship." I think you should give her a couple more dates, as she says she needs to see you in person a few more times first. However, as she believes sex either "happens or it doesn't", perhaps you need to create a situation where it might actually happen, or lead into sex. She may be a little more introverted than you but perhaps she just needs you to take the lead a bit?
veggirl Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She's ambivalent about sex. HELLOOOO. She doesn't care if she has sex or not. Why the heck would you sign up for that? AND she doesn't reciprocate oral? What is the point in this? 3
BluEyeL Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I don't see what the big deal is. You talk about sex, you'll eventually have sex and then you'll see if you are compatible or not. Instead of talking about it, wait until it happens. She said she's going to have sex with you.
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 I don't see what the big deal is. You talk about sex, you'll eventually have sex and then you'll see if you are compatible or not. Instead of talking about it, wait until it happens. She said she's going to have sex with you. When did she say that? All she said was that she wanted to see me more.
BluEyeL Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 It read to me like she wants to see you more before you have sex and sex will happen when it happens. Why would you think she doesn't want to have sex ever?
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Send her my way. Sounds like a perfect relationship to me...
veggirl Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 It read to me like she wants to see you more before you have sex and sex will happen when it happens. Why would you think she doesn't want to have sex ever? sex probably wont happen because she's already talking about it totally negatively and saying she doesn't care if she has it or not...and that she doesn't do oral. From the start you guys will be like a once a month sex couple. Um fun... 1
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 sex probably wont happen because she's already talking about it totally negatively and saying she doesn't care if she has it or not...and that she doesn't do oral. From the start you guys will be like a once a month sex couple. Um fun... Bingo. This. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Two months of kissing is just a slower pace then you are used to. It's not a death knell to sex once you are exclusive. Did you notice that after exclusivity was discussed the conversation turned to sex? Hmmm. . . . I sense a cause & effect. Translation until she learned that you were willing to see only her, she was not willing to sleep with you. Also SHE started the sex conversation indicating that she has an interest in the subject / activity. She also asked you about your aesthetic preferences. Guess what? She asked because she is interested in accommodating your preference. If she had no interest in sex she probably wouldn't care about the amount of hair anybody has down there. As for the horoscope BS, who cares? If you are going to let the date of your birth determine your romantic relationships your issues go beyond when or if this woman will sleep with you. 6
KatZee Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 sex probably wont happen because she's already talking about it totally negatively and saying she doesn't care if she has it or not...and that she doesn't do oral. From the start you guys will be like a once a month sex couple. Um fun... Yup. I mean, dating her two months and she's this cold about it? Passion, and chemistry, it's there or it isn't. You two don't sound sexually compatible at all. For me? When I'm sexually attracted to someone, I want sex. I want it a lot. I want it any time of day, I want it multiple times. That's how I feel when I'm into someone. I don't walk around telling him, "meh. it will either happen or it won't. but i don't really care." Also, if I were to find someone sexually attractive and my libido was going nuts, I would not settle for "meh, I don't really care if we have sex." I would absolutely lose my fking mind. 3
Omei Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 ither it happens or it doesn't ?? Sex isnt a magical thing that occurs its an agreed action of two people I totally agree with other posters that she will always control the sex in the relationship, you wont ever be free to have your own needs filled until she says so. It sucks because being in a relationship one of the perks is having a partner you trust to be intimate with sounds like what you have is a deep friendship with a little fool around of kissing. 2
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 Her and I are clearly not on the same page and when I try to communicate she accuses me of putting the cart before the horse or being too analytical.
irresolute Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I think she is a manipulative bitch. Her asking about shaving? C'mon! Two months onto the relationship and no sex? Watch out there buddy, you are about to become a doormat. You reaaaallly like her? Is she that hot and sexy and funny? If not, have your options open. Very weird for me two people in their 30s not having sex for 2 months. Good luck 5
KatZee Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Her and I are clearly not on the same page and when I try to communicate she accuses me of putting the cart before the horse or being too analytical. Putting the cart before the horse? It's been two months. What the hell does she think is going on? You two will play checkers for the next year? It sounds like she's on the fence about even being into you and she's just dragging her feet. Kind of like trying to buy some time before fully jumping into anything. Again, I don't see compatibility. You're already way more interested than she is, and she's the one holding all the cards here. There has to be give and take in a relationship. Not, give, give, give, take, take, take, take.
BluEyeL Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Oh my God!!!!! You guys are exaggerating so much, it's crazy! Some people only have sex in exclusive relationships, not as sport! She opened up a discussion about sex! Everyone is different. Jumping to conclusions destroys relationships. Geez! 1
KatZee Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Oh my God!!!!! You guys are exaggerating so much, it's crazy! Some people only have sex in exclusive relationships, not as sport! She opened up a discussion about sex! Everyone is different. Jumping to conclusions destroys relationships. Geez! Jumping to conclusions would be making a rash decision after 2 dates. This has been two months. And they are in an exclusive relationship now, and when flat out asked if she was warming up to the idea of being intimate she's just completely ambivalent about it. Of course people are different in relationships! No one is saying that people HAVE to be the same. But for a relationship TO WORK and for it to be a relationship in which BOTH PEOPLE are happy, there needs to be compatibility! Everything here shows mismatched compatibility. 1
ktya Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She's 30, I'm 33. She also doesn't seem to be interested in sex at all. I've asked her about it, politely, trying to be respectful. She says she's ambivalent and that if it happens, it happens. I have no issues waiting. I know she's not a virgin, since shes mentioned having at least one previous partner, as well as enjoying oral sex, but she also has no interest in reciprocating. Any advice, or are we perhaps sexually incompatible?ar I may be the contrarian here but you I think are a back burner play for her. I usually land girls in the sack the first night I'm with them. Most if not all of them dont usually do that sort of thing and are a bit embarassed that they did. If you got her pants off and went down on her and she didnt want to have sex with you or at least reciprocate you either have really weak game or she's just using you. We like to think that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice but this is not at all the case. They get horn dogged up just like we do when they want something and if they really want a man they want him to grab her and have his way with her. If she is cool with just kissing after two months and lets you go down but doesnt beg you to bang her this is a really bad sign. Especially in your 30s. If you were in your teens I could see this story playing out further. Chances are that she has another man, either an ex boyfriend or a guy she's been dating that is seeing someone else that she really wants and your just there to stroke the ego.
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 She sent a really long text this morning: "I really like you but I feel like I need to get to know you better before I can be really open about certain things. I don't think communicating about feelings is mushy I just really don't know how to respond sometimes because I'm not a really declarative person or demonstrative person. Maybe that's a problem, but my style of "communicating" isn't going to change overnight. Communication styles to me are on par with having kids...if ppl are really different it could lead to resentment and frustration. Sure ppl can modify their styles but it takes time."
ktya Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 She sent a really long text this morning: "I really like you but I feel like I need to get to know you better before I can be really open about certain things. I don't think communicating about feelings is mushy I just really don't know how to respond sometimes because I'm not a really declarative person or demonstrative person. Maybe that's a problem, but my style of "communicating" isn't going to change overnight. Translation: I like you but want to keep you at a distance for now. I'm going to mumbo jumbo you with this bullsh*t so I can buy some more time to see if this other guy is interested in me.
evanescentworld Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 And what are your thoughts on that? do you need an interpreter? I could give you my opinion, but I emphasise it would be simply that: My view on things, and only from what I have read in your thread. Remember, you stand in front of her, and look at her when she's speaking....
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 ar I may be the contrarian here but you I think are a back burner play for her. I usually land girls in the sack the first night I'm with them. Most if not all of them dont usually do that sort of thing and are a bit embarassed that they did. If you got her pants off and went down on her and she didnt want to have sex with you or at least reciprocate you either have really weak game or she's just using you. We like to think that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice but this is not at all the case. They get horn dogged up just like we do when they want something and if they really want a man they want him to grab her and have his way with her. If she is cool with just kissing after two months and lets you go down but doesnt beg you to bang her this is a really bad sign. Especially in your 30s. If you were in your teens I could see this story playing out further. Chances are that she has another man, either an ex boyfriend or a guy she's been dating that is seeing someone else that she really wants and your just there to stroke the ego. I honestly don't think that's the case. She texts me every day (almost too much) and wants to talk on the phone/facetime. I just think she's either really shy or inexperienced.
Author CalvinM Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 And what are your thoughts on that? do you need an interpreter? I could give you my opinion, but I emphasise it would be simply that: My view on things, and only from what I have read in your thread. Remember, you stand in front of her, and look at her when she's speaking.... I definitely feel like I'm not getting the full story here. I slept with my last two exes after three dates and the one before I had a hotel booked after the second. There's nothing wrong with my game.
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