Love vs. In Love

[xtymorgan]

Brief Background: My H had a summer-long affair with OW. They broke up and he came home 2 months ago. Everything is going GREAT. He’s more tender, more attentive, more affectionate, more understanding and more patient. We get along more than ever before and I think we're both happier than ever in most areas.

 

BUT (and this is a big BUT)…even though our sex life is better than before (strangely) he never initiates sex…EVER. We have sex 2-3 times per week now (when it was more like once a month before), but every single time, it’s me who initiates it. My fear is this: even though he swears they only had sex 3 times (trust me, I know this is a lie – 3 means 6 at a minimum) and that their sex was plain with no oral, no foreplay and no exploration (again, I know this is being downplayed for my benefit), it must have been great sex and he must miss it. I’m afraid that somehow now he’s been “spoiled” by whatever she did for him and he can’t bring himself to be turned on by me anymore. I’m in shape, attractive, a great lay (if I do say so myself) and a fun person to be around, so I know it’s not a physical hindrance . It has to be emotional/mental. I fear that he may love me, but he is/was “in love” with her. (He denies this even though I saw texts to/from her where they professed their love for one another. He explains it by saying that he “thought” he was in love with her but realized it was only me he’s loved for 12 years.)

 

Let me give you an example of why I fear this. When he was with her he used to tag, post and share with her all over FB. He even changed his relationship status to “in a relationship with _______”. Once, he posted a picture of them together and he said “me and my lady”. This was almost more painful than knowing they were having sex. HOWEVER, now that he’s back, he never posts anything with me, tags me, comments or even acknowledges me on FB. (he does “like” some of my posts). He did remove all pictures of her and all posts associated with her and he obviously deleted the relationship status. HOWEVER, he did not change it to “married to ________” and he never shares with me, comments and especially no pictures of me/us together (even though we've taken some really good selfies lately). I don't even think he wants ME to post anything about us "yet".

 

So my concern is this: that he was deeply and passionately in love with her but he doesn’t feel that way about me. He may even miss her. He says he doesn’t. He says he realizes now how crazy she was/is. He said she used him and took advantage of him (for money mostly – she’s a heroin addict, homeless and jobless) and now he’s embarrassed that he ever was with her. BUT then why is he not professing his love for me? Why won’t he initiate sex? Why did he do all this with her but not with me?

 

He says I’m wrong and that I’m being paranoid. That he loves me very much and is committed to our marriage. He says he's "not going anywhere". But I don’t just want him to be with me out of commitment. I don’t want to be his second option (even though he says he dumped her, I know for a fact she dumped him and he tried to get her back but she said no – before he came home). I want someone to be IN LOVE with me. He says he is. But he’s just not acting like he’s passionate for me like he was with her.

 

Can anyone speak from his point of view? Can anyone explain to me what he might be thinking/feeling right now? Is it just still too soon? Is he embarrassed? Feeling guilty?

 

Please don’t tell me that I need to leave him. Like I said, I know for a fact he loves me very much. I’m just talking about the “passion” and the difference between being loved and “in love”. I’m really hoping to hear from a man who can help explain what he might be thinking or feeling right now. I’m hoping it’s just that it’s still so soon after we just got back together and that all of this will just take some more time. Or am I just fooling myself?

[fellini]

The thing about the "love" vs. "In love" is that it's a backwards cliché. Those who are in this state are deeply intoxicated with passion and desire. Those who are in a deeper love don't need to express it in Facebook. Try to get beyond this business of teenage expression he showed for his play thing and remind yourself what are for you the genuine signals of a deeply loving partner. Then ask is this what he is doing.

 

Comparing yourself to this OW is a losing game. Don't play it.

[elaine567]

Comparing yourself to this OW is a losing game. Don't play it.

 

Agreed, you will never know anything about their real relationship as he will be trying to hide the truth, either in loyalty to her, or to downplay it to you.

You can make up lots of differing scenarios and will drive yourself mad trying to decide which one was nearest the truth.

Second guessing why he doesn't initiate sex, is no good. Ask him.

If you are going to make this work, then you and he need to be honest and communicate.

If you think he is not being honest in his answers, or he clams up, then you may need to question where your marriage is going and consider MC or IC, if you definitely do not want to leave him.

 

But you need to be honest with yourself too, why if he loves you so much, did he leave you to be with this other woman, and why did he only come back when the other woman dumped him?

It is easy to be just so relieved he is back, and to swallow the excuses and to basically ignore this huge rift in your relationship, but unless you sort out why he left in the first place, then you may be facing the same issue again in a short period of time.

[Tayla]

He broke the marriage vows (period).You seem to be struggling on many levels.

1: your self worth is suffering 2: get real, get honest 3: the facebook part is distrubing- have the account shutdown ( period), and join the adult reality4: you both need to get on the same page. Him over compensating , and you being filled with conflicted reasonings. Either stick

in the problems or seek solutions. How young are you? what are you both trying to prove during this reconcilation phase? What made him come back? what made you receive him back?

Some folks find that like it or not that elephant in there life is not going to go away... time to break down walls and escort that elephant away thanking it for teaching you all about the fallibility of humans and forgiving.

[KismetGirl]

Your situation sounds a little crazy, and no offense, your husband sounds ridiculously immature-- what kind of grown a** man leaves his wife, flaunts his affair with some drug addict on facebook like a teenger, then two months later comes home and all is well? But you love him, and want to stay with him, so my assessment of his immaturity is irrevelant in that respect. But it seems obvious to me you both have a lot to work on.

 

First off dont bother comparing yourself to the other woman anyway, it's a fruitless endeavor. People are all different, just leave it at that. He was enamoured for whatever reason, had his fling, and now he's back home. Maybe he had a midlife crisis, maybe he's just a jerk, maybe he went temporarily insane, maybe they did drugs together for a while and he doesnt want to tell you. Whatever , it doesnt matter.

 

If you truly want to work on your marriage you need to focus less on the minutae and irrelevant details.

 

I would highly suggest getting a good marriage therapist-- it seems imperative to me that you require the aide of a professional to facilitate discussions between you and your H to really get answers. Otherwise I suspect you'll just become more obsessed with irrelevant details and try to micro-analyse everything. No one here can tell you why he is doing something-- only he can do that and obviously you are unable to have sufficient discussions with him on your own. If you want to know why he isn't initiating sex, you should ask him, not us. Tell him you love sex with him, you love feeling close to him, but it seems that you are always the one initiating and you are wondering if there is anything you can do to make the relationship more comfortable for him to want to be an equal in it. It's entirely possible that he feels guilty for what he did and doesn't feel he has a right to "ask for" sex from you and thus just waits to see when you want it/initiate it. But this is speculation on my part and really You both need to work on a lot of issues. I highly recommend marital counseling at this juncture. It takes work, and sometimes you have to try a couple different counselors until you find one that works, but it is very effective if you are not a good communicator. Obviously you guys have some communication issues-- the majority of couples where someone is cheating , communication is a huge issue. Hell, communication is a problem in most couples, period. It's no shame to ask for help via counseling. Lots of people do it, and it helps a lot.

 

In the meantime I can tell you this-- I have been an OW. I can tell you that my MM had no ill-will against his wife. He loved her, found her attractive, cared about her. His issue was they just had no chemistry. They just weren't meant to be. But I can guarantee you that would never in his right mind have left her on a whim to flaunt a relationship with me, in a public online forum no less.

 

He has shown an incredible lack of respect for you and your marriage with his actions. It's one thing to be unhappy in a relationship and sneak around-- most people would say sneaking around is ludicrous behaviour, but in a sense it implies you do have some respect for the person you are cheating on because you're trying to hide it from them so as not to hurt them potentially.

 

Your husband didn't give a sh*t who he hurt in front of EVERYONE. I'm sorry, he sounds just awful to me-- I mean, how old are you two anyway??? I understand why you feel the way you do and the desperation you are feeling, which leads to micro-analysing things like why he isn't paying attention to your relationship and showing the world on FB he is in love with you. I get it. But you are focusing on the wrong things. He made an utter embarressment of your marriage in full view of everyone. So, hey, maybe he's still embarressed by his actions and that's why he isn't flaunting anything online anymore. It may have nothing to do with how he feels about you and more about how he feels sorry for himself and embaressed by his own prior actions. And that maybe now he thinks it would seem silly to utilise the same platform a month later. Maybe he is mourning his other relationship. More likely he's realising what an utter moron and fool he was and is utterly embaressed, as he well should be. If I were you, I'd be embaressed as hell that my husband acted the way he did.

 

Do you have children? If you do not, I pray you do not have any any time soon. Go to marriage counseling and decide if this man is truly worth any more of your life wasted. If you DO have children it places a bit more pressure on salvaging the marriage. Makes it more complicated. But if you don't have any I would really hold back on it because you make such a comitment to a man who clearly has complete disregard to the point of embaressing both you and him by his public actions.

 

Sorry if any of that was harsh but hey. I'm not saying to leave him right away, but you aren't going to win his heart and go back to your honeymoon period just by giving him frequent sex and comparing yourself to his OW.

 

Get into serious arital counseling with a good therapist immediately, and if he refuses to go and work on the relationship, I sadly think that combined with his prior actions it is a clear indication that he is not worthy of you, your life, or your ongoing efforts. I dont know how old you are or if you have children, but it's never too late to try to actually be happy with someone that would have more respect for you than to flaunt an affair in a public online forum with a junkie.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, xtymorgan.

It really doesn't matter, the guesses we might take as to what your H is thinking and feeling, and what is driving his actions.

What is HIS explanation for his behaviour (with the FB status and pics and such) and his lack of initiating sex?

 

It has to come from HIS head, as to what the difference is between why it was okay for him -- what within himself made it okay for him -- to do all that stuff with her in the centre of it, versus what is limiting/preventing him from doing all that same stuff but with you in the centre of it.

 

It HAS to come from him. And, he owes it to you to keep emptying his brain and talking with you UNTIL you are satisfied that you totally get/understand it.

 

There is a PROBLEM that you think or know that he is lying to you to "protect" you. You must let him know that it is no protection at all, and does, in fact, only leave you in a much more vulnerable and lonely place.

 

If you do need marriage counseling, or he does need individual therapy in order for him to realize that any lying is AGAINST your long-term togetherness and happiness, then that might have to be given real consideration.

 

You deserve to know all the truth that YOU need...not more and not less.

[jnel921]

Love should have brought his a$$ home from the get go. This all should have never have happened.

[Mr. Lucky]

Brief Background: My H had a summer-long affair with OW. They broke up and he came home 2 months ago. Everything is going GREAT. He’s more tender, more attentive, more affectionate, more understanding and more patient. We get along more than ever before and I think we're both happier than ever in most areas.

 

Everyone's different, I get that.

 

But I don't see how you could be at the point you describe - "great" - 2 short months into reconciliation. This man destroyed your marriage, left you for her and only came back after they broke up. Something's being faked, forced or rugswept. And it's making itself known in both your husband's inertia and your reaction to it.

 

Are you in counseling? Still much work to be done, not unusual at your point in the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Sorry but your husband doesn't express "love" at all. Being a little more attentive is something every good actor can do as well. Quit initiating sex for a while. Counseling is a must. And I'm sorry, if he doesn't initiate within 2 weeks, I'd still ask you to overthink staying with him.

[dichotomy]

Others here have some great comments and concerns for your marriage.

 

But I will avoid those bigger picture items and try to focus on the sexual and love issue you mention from a guy view (as you asked).

 

Initiating sex. If a wife cheated on a husband, and got busted, the common feeling would be the wife should sexually go supper sexually wild and aggressive with her husband - ya know dropping to her knees when the husband gets home from work to show him he is "da man" for her. I think if a guy is busted cheating - the expectation would be more like praise, hugs and kisses and romance - but not jumping his wife's bones aggressively - being kind sweet and humble and letting the BW decide when sex was right with her WH.

 

While you may be initiating - I suspect you can tell how "into the sex" he is once it starts.

 

The definition of what is a great lay - is in the body of the receiver. You may be amazing in bed to many men - but just not "his" cup of amazing.

 

In love vs love. Affairs are often about that new rush - that chemical sex brain high love. Its not true love, and it never lasts (remember dating your husband at first). No true longer term love is not a chemical rush feeling - but a deeper warmer (but not hot) feeling. He is going to act differently with you - and if he ran off with OW permanently after a many years their sex life would be different as well, less "in love"... if this makes any sense.

 

 

 

That said - please consider the ideas and suggestions of the other posters. Two months is way to soon to resolve anything, he ran off for a while and got dumped, and you do need marriage therapy.

Edited November 16, 2014 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

Meant gently, why are you reconciling with someone you know is lying to you?

[oldshirt]

Look up the term "alpha widow." It's usually applied to women that have had a previous affair with someone more sexy and masculine and had greater chemistry than their husband but some of what you are describing here may be applicable.

 

 

either way if you are not in marital therapy with a competent professional, you need to do that ASAP. This was a deep, well-entrenched and developed affair. This wasn't a little office crush where the flirtation and googeley eyes went a little too far and ended up in a supply-room make out session. This was an established and ongoing relationship with public declarations of love and devotion and he only came home when she dumped him.

 

 

Things are not "great" here. your relationship has been severely damaged and compromised. Only long-term serious professional therapy will be able to address the current and inevitable future issues you are having and will have in the future.