ses Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 So I posted about this guy a few months ago. Long story short: We were both very religious and formal with each other. I never let my guard around him. Our interactions were mainly around his family and we never were really left alone together. We broke off contact when he got married (now divorced; no kids) and got back in touch this year. We're both far more mellow on the religious front. He contacted me and there was an intense sexual attraction. Initially we tried to just go out and get to know one another better but it would lead to a hook-up. We wanted to take each other seriously as partners. We finally agreed to be FWB, and that lasted for a few months. Our sexual chemistry was/is intense. We took a break for a month, I tried seeing other guys, but eventually I went back to him. We have seen each other infrequently as he lives/works in another state. We met up again last night, had sex, and later agreed upon another break (he initiated it) since I'll be traveling overseas for a few weeks. I asked him if we could see how I felt when I returned and he agreed. I know I have/had deep feelings for him and am responding out of them. Our sexual attraction is intense but I really don't know about any emotional connection as we haven't had the opportunity to just know each other. I've known him for 6 years and it's been surreal to be with him but I know this can't go on forever. I wish we could get over this sexual tension but it seems almost impossible. I feel like sometimes we both want a relationship, but years of rigid religious indoctrination and a myriad of cultural factors hinder us. Many people used to tell me we would make a cute couple and his family treated me as part of their own so it's been difficult reconciling my actions with my feelings. I wish I knew what he wanted as he's still so guarded. Seeing me for an hour or two every few weeks and driving so late at night has got to be worth it, right?
stillafool Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 So I posted about this guy a few months ago. Long story short: We were both very religious and formal with each other. I never let my guard around him. Our interactions were mainly around his family and we never were really left alone together. We broke off contact when he got married (now divorced; no kids) and got back in touch this year. We're both far more mellow on the religious front. He contacted me and there was an intense sexual attraction. Initially we tried to just go out and get to know one another better but it would lead to a hook-up. We wanted to take each other seriously as partners. We finally agreed to be FWB, and that lasted for a few months. Our sexual chemistry was/is intense. We took a break for a month, I tried seeing other guys, but eventually I went back to him. We have seen each other infrequently as he lives/works in another state. We met up again last night, had sex, and later agreed upon another break (he initiated it) since I'll be traveling overseas for a few weeks. I asked him if we could see how I felt when I returned and he agreed. I know I have/had deep feelings for him and am responding out of them. Our sexual attraction is intense but I really don't know about any emotional connection as we haven't had the opportunity to just know each other. I've known him for 6 years and it's been surreal to be with him but I know this can't go on forever. I wish we could get over this sexual tension but it seems almost impossible. I feel like sometimes we both want a relationship, but years of rigid religious indoctrination and a myriad of cultural factors hinder us. Many people used to tell me we would make a cute couple and his family treated me as part of their own so it's been difficult reconciling my actions with my feelings. I wish I knew what he wanted as he's still so guarded. Seeing me for an hour or two every few weeks and driving so late at night has got to be worth it, right? But it doesn't hinder you two from having sex as FWB. That's really odd that after 6 years of knowing each other he hasn't asked you for a relationship yet but is fine to just have sex with you. I personally think it is more important to develop an emotional connection before you have sex. Usually that is what makes a man want to commit to a relationship. When the sex comes first the focus is usually just on the sex. The way you describe your relationship it seems that everytime you have sex he wants a break until the next time. It also seems like you are doing all the work.
Gloria25 Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Why do people have to make it so complicated? Why can't you two just agree that it "is" what it is? You two meet up cuz and enjoy each other's company. He lives one place, you another. Probably don't wanna get married again, but what's so hard about laying down the expectations and just seeing each other? I mean, why does he have to take a "break" every time you want more? And, exactly what is "more" to you? I mean with what you two have going on, doesn't look like "more" is that complicated. I wonder if he has someone serious and/or wants to keep his options open, hence, him just wanting to back off so often.
Author ses Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 (edited) I feel like there is some sort of emotional connection but it's been strangled by the years we couldn't act on our mutual attraction. It's been difficult trying to build something when we are so sexually wired. He knows I like(d) him and wanted to be with him. We tried getting to know each other but the sexual tension has constantly gotten in the way. I'm hoping to start afresh and cool things down when I return as it's getting intense for me. I know he could always choose to be with someone else. I feel like as long as we're around each other there will always be a possibility. Like I said, I tried going out with other guys when we were on a break, but we just got back with each other. There's no emotional/physical abuse--just intense chemistry. Edited November 15, 2014 by ses
stillafool Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I feel like there is some sort of emotional connection but it's been strangled by the years we couldn't act on our mutual attraction. It's been difficult trying to build something when we are so sexually wired. He knows I like(d) him and wanted to be with him. We tried getting to know each other but the sexual tension has constantly gotten in the way. I'm hoping to start afresh and cool things down when I return as it's getting intense for me. I know he could always choose to be with someone else. I feel like as long as we're around each other there will always be a possibility. Like I said, I tried going out with other guys when we were on a break, but we just got back with each other. There's no emotional/physical abuse--just intense chemistry. I never said there was emotional/physical abuse. I said you don't seem to have an emotional connection only a physical one. This is not good for building a relationship but only good for a sexual relationship. How can you two be so religious but yet you had/have sex. Is that allowed in your faith? 1
Author ses Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 No, no. Sorry, my bad. I never meant to imply that you inferred there was any abusive aspect to our relationship. My apologies. I think we're both struggling a lot with our respective religious backgrounds. Yes, premarital sex is traditionally forbidden, as are relationships outside of marriage. We both were very conservative and restrained in our interactions (and a lot more religiously devout) many years ago. I think we're still trying to figure out what we want and haven't completely reconciled our sexual desires with our religious identities. It's complicated because we go back so many years.
Gloria25 Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I never said there was emotional/physical abuse. I said you don't seem to have an emotional connection only a physical one. This is not good for building a relationship but only good for a sexual relationship. How can you two be so religious but yet you had/have sex. Is that allowed in your faith? Exactly, Seems like you are holding on to some childhood fantasy of him, when you two have grown up and probably aren't even the same people you were when you knew him wayyyyy ago. Now, you "think" you have chemistry, but seems like high emotions from sex. I need to clarify...when you two take these "breaks", is it to try to get to know each other w/o the sex or is it cuz he senses you want more than sex. Look, regardless of religious/cultural pressures - IMO, if he wanted more than just a romp, he would have came to you that way instead of getting naked each time he gets with you.
Author ses Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 Yeah, that's why we decided on a break. We need to figure out what we want from each other without the added hormones. It'll be good for us. We'll have at least a month apart to clarify everything. As much as I've liked being with him physically, I do want to scale things back and just talk.
FitChick Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Don't expect anything serious from a man until the ink on his divorce decree has been dry for two years.
evanescentworld Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Help me understand something (and I promise, my curiosity is genuine): You say that years of religious indoctrination is what is putting the brake on some aspects of your relationship. Well...if you know 'religious indoctrination' is the culprit - why don't you just face it, put it aside as invalid, ignore it - and make like there is no impediment to you guys enjoying each other as two, mature, self-reliant adults? I mean, what's stopping you ignoring the crap - if you know it's crap? Or are you telling me that the religious indoctrination is still believed? You are still actively devout, church-going, reverent and religious people?
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