I am probably meeting with my ex of (now) 2 months soon. Long wall of text incoming

[lemon elderflower]

hey loveshack, english isnt my mother language so I apologize in advance for screwed up grammar or w/e!

 

so about 2 months ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me seemingly out of the blue. We had such a great relationship together, she is everything I ever wanted out of a woman, everything i ever looked for until now. We did talk about marriage, getting children, how we imagine our lifes together and everything just clicked, we didn't have any indifferences about that.

In January she is leaving for half a year with her female best friend to England, and as she was planning the trip (I still dont know what she actually wants to do there for half a year, but thats another part of the story), I became extremely worried that our relationship could be going down the dumper by not seeing each other for such a long time / she might lose her feelings for me. I mean she is so young... I am the type of person who was always afraid of losing someone, if you see my circle of friends, they are all people I know for many years down the road and shared so much things together, bad times and good times, but if a person REALLY means a lot to me, I just can't for the life of me walk away from them like this.

 

Her reasons for actually breaking up with me where kinda... meh. She didnt do it in person. She didnt really give me a reason, she said it were little things that put her off and she is worried that it might end up being like that forever. She always told me how I am the best boyfriend she could ever imagined, even 2 or 3 weeks prior to the breakup. Guess why for me its so freaking sudden...

 

So apparently after the breakup I did the worst thing I could have done, I begged... I just couldnt hold the NC thing because I have to discuss problems like this, I have to know the reason, so I can understand her, because she didnt really pinpoint it on one aspect of the relationship, she just said "little things". To this day, I dont even know what those "little things" were. Please dont get it wrong, I didnt text her every freaking 5 minutes, I waited a week or two in between contacting her. The begging stopped after about three or four weeks and I said that if that is what she truly wants I have to accept it, but at the moment I cant just move on from that like nothing ever happened. She said she wanted to remain friends (cliché to the fullest, ladies and gentleman), but I said I would rather be her friend then completely losing her, because she is (as a person, not just as a girlfriend) one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

 

I asked her why she didnt tell me about those little things before breaking up with me, and she said she expected me to realise it myself or she told me, but never directly like "hey, that actually hurt me" or anything in that regard. She has a lot of trouble communicating, as this being her first serious relationship, the only time she actually wanted to speak about things during our relationship, she said she just couldnt do it. She is a very shy person in front of other people, but thats something I actually like about her because I am the complete opposite.

 

I told her back in our relationship "Look, if you cant do it in person, just write me a letter and give it to me." So she did that, I analysed the situation, told her how I feel about those things and in my mind they were actually pretty ****ing much settled to a situation we could both be happy with. The thing she was so worried about was, that our sex life became pretty infrequent and I thought it would had something to with me slowly losing her, thus making the situation more complicated and stressful then it already was... So I tried talking with her about it, 2 times actually and try to work on the situation.

 

So the next few weeks go by and we get along great, she just finished her graduation, and I am in a traineeship for 3 years in a pretty big insurance company. I had to deal with a lot of pressure, not just from my job, from my family as well. In March 2014 my dog had to be euthanized and it took a big hit to our family dynamics. After about 2 months after graduation she was looking for a job to partake, to save money for england, she found a job at the post office in our town. The thing is here, she isnt used to working, not at all, and in this new job she has to work every single day, even saturdays. I really could feel the relieve on her side after the graduation, I could really really sense that she was so happy with me. But after about 3 weeks into the new job, I think she started to become frustrated and didnt communicate that with me. I think we both got kinda stuck in our own world for a bit and didnt know how to figure out that situation thats so new to both of us.

 

So the months after the breakup I used my time to reflect on myself, where I have changed, where I did go wrong or what happened that made us both so weary of the situation.

 

the time where my dog was actually still alive, I had to go for a walk with him every single day for at least an hour. At the time I always found it pretty annoying to do that, I dont know why, but after work I was usually so exhausted... Now if I reflect on the situation, after my dog passed away, I didnt have reason to go out anymore, I realised that that hour of walking every day gave me a sense of relief, I just didnt have to do anything or think about anything serious for at least an hour of the day. I think thats one of the reasons why I became so frustrated with the situation at work/my life all around. I took it out on not only her, but on my family, my friends... that wasnt the right thing, but I just cant talk with anyone about the troubles I have with myself. People always assume I have a pretty big self esteem and can handle everything quite well. Well... let's just say its actually the opposite and sometimes I wonder if I can even do it.

 

I didnt want to put stress on her, I didnt want her to feel the worries I had about her leaving for england, I didnt know how to communicate it with her, that for the life of me, the last thing I want is, for her to leave me. So instead of talking about the issues we had, we just ignored each other till the end of the night if something came up and then the next morning everything would be okay again. Thats not the way to go. So we did that for about a few weeks of her working at the new job and well, after a time it just exploded and that led to her breaking up with me.

 

So to get to the point, I wrote an e mail approximatelly 3 weeks ago, after about 3 weeks of semi no contact. She seemed to be having a hard time with herself after the breakup and handling the situation. I wrote her that I would like to meet up in about a month, no contact at all in between, at the end of november to talk about where we stand on our terms. I apologized for the behavior after the breakup and that I now know that it wasn't the right thing to do. I wanted to give her time to reflect on the situation and of course herself in a normal and rational manner instead of just me forcing it on her and pressuring her into making a decision. I said that I cant change the way she feels about me and I have to accept it, but for me to make peace with the whole situation and especially to be able to be friends after she returns from england, I have to get the answers I am looking for. I am just that way, I wouldnt be able to live with the evertorturing thoughts... I wrote her, that if she accepts that she just has to answer the question about meeting up.

 

She said we will write again at the end of november to decide where and when. So now the end of november stands in front of my door and I dont know how to handle the situation. I am planning to let her contact me first, I wont contact her until she reaches out to me. Well and if she doesnt, i have to deal with that as well. But then at least I know.

 

On November 21st we would have our anniversary coming up and in the beginning of december its my birthday. I would be surprised if she didnt even think about me or us on our anniversary or wouldnt text me on my birthday. So at least I know for sure that she will contact me down the road. I just have to wait.

 

But when the day finally comes, I am planning on having a walk with her, having a good time, smiling a lot, I wont speak about the relationship unless she starts to do it, but otherwise I will show her that I worked on myself the last 3 months, and reflected on myself and my position in life. Something I had neglected to do the past half year. I dont even want to bring up getting back together and I try to go into the meeting without any expectations, but you know, the hope always lingers somewhere deep in my heart. :/ I try to cut it out as much as I can.

 

I just dont know how to handle the situation, in the last few weeks I started to feel a little bit better than before, how can I show her that I am honest about our situation and I want to work on it? What does a woman feel in such a situation? I really try to avoid reading too much into her, but I just want to understand what could give her the feeling of us trying again, or at least coming to good terms so we can build on that. Because from my point of view, even after months of reflecting, I think we could have really sustained that and would go out of it as a stronger couple.

 

Any advice? I know the general consensus is "just dont go" "go no contact", but please, she is really, really, really the girl of my dreams and I want to work with her on this.

 

Sorry for the wall of text!

If any questions arise, go ahead and ask!

 

tl;dr: gf (19) broke up with me (20) about 2 months ago, first weeks after that I tried to convince her, did no real good, no contact for a while, she seems to be struggling as well and I suggest a meetup at the end of november. Please help me how to approach that situation in a good way and show her that we can actually work things out or get on a good base to work things out in the future.