Is this GIGS? Is it fixable?

[snitchcharm]

Hi LS. I've been lurking for a while and you all seem like incredibly kind and goodhearted people. It's been a tough week and I'd like to talk to someone. Maybe someone can give me some insight as to what's going on in my ex's head, or tell me whether I'm crazy to keep hoping.

 

Until three weeks ago, I was enjoying a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend (let's call him Will). He and I are seniors at the same small college, and we'd been together since freshman year—2 years and 8 months exactly.

 

I know I'm supposed to say that our relationship had its ups and downs, but the thing is…there really were no downs. Three months after we met, we were making jokes about dropping out of school and eloping, ditching the East Coast sophisticates around us and living on a farm. We had so much in common, even though we came from totally different backgrounds. We had great, frequent sex that only got better as the years passed, as we learned each other's bodies and kinks. I supported him through his family dramas, and he supported me through a couple of academic snags. He made me laugh every day. We went home with each other over breaks, and met each other's families and friends. We fought maybe once every six months, and always over something stupid that was forgotten by the next morning.

 

I loved him so much. So, so much, and more every day. Every morning before I left his room for my early class, I'd kiss his cheek and think—I am so lucky, so freaking lucky, to have hit the jackpot this early in life. Every time my roommates complained about their significant others, or how relationships were so much work, I'd just murmur sympathetically, feeling a little smug because with Will everything was was easy as breathing. We hadn't talked much about what we would do after graduation in May, but I assumed that we would work it out, either by getting jobs in the same city right away or doing distance for a few months.

 

In mid-October, we flew together to Will's hometown to attend his sister's engagement party. I helped his mom arrange flowers and she told me how excited she was to see me at the wedding next summer. A week later, when we were back at school, Will sat me down and told me he wanted to break up after graduation.

 

I was stunned. I had no idea that that was how he felt, even though he said he'd been thinking it over for a couple of weeks. But his reasons for wanting to separate after we graduated were legitimate. He's been in one long relationship after another since the age of 14, and wanted to be single for a while. Furthermore, he's bi (which I knew), and he wanted to try dating a man for the first time. Hurt as I was, those were good reasons, and I accepted them. But there were still seven months till graduation. I told him that I didn't know if I could be happy in the meantime, with that expiration date hanging over our heads. I asked if maybe we should break up now.

 

He seemed genuinely shocked at the suggestion, and said that he hadn't seen the conversation going that way at all. He started crying. But after a while of talking he said he could see where I was coming from, and we said our goodbyes.

 

I just sat there, totally numb, for a couple of hours. And then it sank in that he wasn't coming back, that this wouldn't just go away like one of our dumb fights, and panic set in. I called him and told him that I spoke rashly, that people dated all the time knowing that it wouldn't last forever, and that I could be happy with him for as long as he would have me. I begged, basically, and I'm not proud of it. But he said no. He said it was a hard choice, and that he still loved me, but he wouldn't be happy with the expiration date either. And it was over.

 

Since then, I've alternated between this sort of numb hollow feeling and an awful, physical, can't-breathe pain—but you all know how that goes. I've read homebrew's thread on the Grass is Greener syndrome so many times that I've practically memorized it. It sounds about right--Will is 22, initially he was planning to break up with me before the big milestone of graduation, and it was completely out of the blue. I want it to be GIGs, because the spark of hope Homebrew mentions, the increased opportunity for reconciliation, feels like the only thing keeping me alive right now.

 

I know that I can't wait around for him, that I have to move on. I started NC a week after we broke up, at least insofar as NC is possible on a tiny college campus where I see him a couple times a week. And it's freaking killing me. But I'm trying to be graceful, I'm trying to give him his space, because I don't want to leave a bad taste in his mouth. I can't help but hope that if I do everything right now, he'll come back someday. It seems impossible that this is the end, that a passionate, healthy relationship could just evaporate overnight.

 

This situation is all the more terrifying because we'll likely be in different parts of the country after we graduate. If we lived in the same town, I might be at peace just going on with my life, knowing that I could try again in a year, or five or ten. But as it stands, I feel like if I don't take some steps to win him back before May, I'll never speak to him again. I don't buy into the "if it's meant to be, it will be" thing. Not when he'll be a thousand miles away.

 

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking here, but any response, any opinions or just words of comfort, would be appreciated. I feel so alone right now, and also a little crazy. My ex seems so happy, so okay with what's happened. It makes me wonder if I'm totally delusional, if I've just been dreaming something for the past three years that was never real. I'm just so stunned.

Edited November 15, 2014 by snitchcharm

[newmoon]

"My ex seems so happy, so okay with what's happened"

 

so, don't try to win him back. it was his initial suggestion to break it off, and he's now happy. end of this story and beginning of a new chapter for you both. and handling it gracefully (and not begging for a re-do) will give you amazing feeling when you look back on this relationship. break-ups are (usually) a long-time coming from the person who does the initial break - they have thought about it, pondered it, etc. so yeah, your happy place was probably more of an 'ignorance is bliss' state and you were caught off guard, or ignoring some stuff you didn't even realize were issues (for him). you're not alone of course. but really try super super hard to stay NC, it is so beneficial, especially for women.