I just broke up with him. Did I make the wisest decision?

[maryyy]

Well, it all started when he told me that he was trying to erase this girl from his facebook suggested friends because he was afraid I saw her profile and got insecure (he knows I have low self esteem)...but I thought this was very strange.... Why? ... And why this particular girl?

Then he told me he just wanted to do it and didn't know why she kept appearing on his suggested friends list, because he only saw her profile once, back in june.

I kept insisting and he addmited than he has seen it more than 1 time, because he think's she's attractive. Her pictures focus more on her butt and legs. I asked him if that's what he was looking to when he went to her profile, and he said yes, that he liked to look at her butt and legs. I said "Ok, so you go there to masturbate, right?" and his answer was "NO, NEVER! I just go there to appreciate it, because of its beauty....." he was taking me for a fool. I asked "Why? Isn't your girlfriend's beauty enough?" and he said "Of course! But what's the problem?". (Yeah, of course, that's why...makes sense.)

The thing is: I never did anything like this, to look at other guys bodies since I'm dating him, I can't even feel sexually attracted to anyone else, but he did it, and he knows I have huge self esteem problems, but he didn't think of it even once, while he was doing it looking at other girl's pictures.... just thinking of it makes me sick.

Honestly feel like there's nothing he could say that would make me feel better. He says he never masturbated looking at her or anyone else pictures, but I think he's obviously just fooling me, I can't believe that crap. To me it represents a lack of respect, especially when he knew I have self esteem problems. My father cheated on my mother and it all started with pictures of girls he knew on his phone.

I think I wouldn't even bother if it was porn, because it's focused more on the act, I think, but this is a girl he knows in real life.

I feel like I'm not enough for him, maybe he didn't really love me and was with me for some other reason. I'm his first girlfriend, and he is 22, so maybe he kept dating me (11 months) because he was afraid of being lonely and feeling like a loser, anyway... I don't know, I just feel like he doesn't have any respect for me, and then even tried to fool me. And since I'm his frist girlfriend, he's 22 and he already looks at pictures of other girls he knows to masturbate... I think the chance of cheating in the future is pretty high.

Anyway, what do you guys think of this? Did I make the right decision?

[preraph]

You're both young. Men are allegedly more visual. And yes, he certainly is not just masturbating to thoughts of you, but that's not a big deal in and of itself. It's kind of natural and there is the boundary there that it's okay to think about it but not to do it.

 

I think the problem here is that she is a real girl he may be having conversation with. You can't expect any guy to ONLY think you are attractive. Ain't gonna happen. He can think all he wants. It's what he does that counts. Only you know the order and reason and details why he finally took her off FB to know if it was a preemptive strike or one after he got found out. Does she text him?

 

Guys have to decide to be faithful. They come at the whole thing differently. Emotionally, I wouldn't want to cheat. Men always act like it's all they can do to not cheat even while insisting they love you. I'm not sure I believe them at all, but I've seen no evidence that a man in love is a man not tempted.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The reality is that all men find other women physically attractive, by nature, regardless of being in-love or not in love. Especially at the age of 22.

 

Your insecurities are the driving force of this harassment and your ridiculous expectation to believe that your needs override the nature of men, as if it is his fault for being attracted to a woman's body.

 

Men don't just have this switch where it just clicks off as soon as he's got a girlfriend, and all other women become like this blur and unrecognizable as women...men still look, glance or even stare at times (which is a bigger problem) because that's what any normal guy would be expected to do...that's how a mans brain is wired.

 

Where you get this idea that a guys brain works in the way that you become this whole universe to him and all other women magically disappear is immaturity and a lack of understanding in men...it is far too much to expect.

 

In fact that harder you push and demand a guy NOT to look at other women, the more delusional you are, and your efforts will be fruitless because it will only force that man/guy to go out of his way and "secretly" look at other women as he will fear your punishment for looking at them openly...which only makes it even more stressful and at the same time desirable for him as you made it something taboo.

 

You're still young, so you think WAY out of reality, but you need to take responsibility for your own insecurity and the way you feel about yourself. No guy is responsible for your issues and just because you make a guy your boyfriend doesn't mean you can use him as a punching bag as you try to fill a void that you couldn't fill yourself...stop thinking you can use and punish guys for your own selfish needs and judge everything he does as some crime to your being and to your "love"...it's pathetic and it's never going to work, you'll spend your whole life lying to yourself and trying to make a guy act like essentially not a guy, but a guy without a penis or balls....you might as well castrate him.

 

Your father cheating on your mother is an entirely separate issue as well and one you should address at the source....with your father. Stop being one of those people that become sensitive and fearful of every guy becoming like your dad...all the while you dad men and stay in relationships that remind you of your dad at the same time. You will always find yourself in these situations and think "Why me, why me!" and cry and moan about always ending up with the wrong guy or with a guy who doesn't respect or love you enough....cut that crap out, this is a young guy who's got eyes for women, and the only difference is as you get older is older men are a lot more wise and aware of covering that up and being more discreet about it when they look at women, but they all check women out.

 

Unfortunately if you continue on this road, you'll be 40 years old, possibly married and delusional thinking you found some "special guy" who loves and respects you, that doesn't look at other women because he's "different" and cherishes your love and yadda yadda yadda and then one day you'll find out he's been looking at women through his phone or internet and you'll be crying a river over the broken trust...all the while having the same damn issues you have today.

 

Stop expecting men to be monks or priests, you are Jesus and they do not owe their lives to you. Be reasonable and understanding that you are not a man, don't think like a man and will never understand certain things about men...you need boundaries but healthy boundaries that actually make sense. Him looking at other women is a ridiculous restriction and one that will never make you feel better about yourself, I don't care how much he praises and worships you, women with low-esteem are a black whole of insatiable desires to feel good enough...a man cannot give you that, maybe once you realize that then you won't care so much about every little thing a guy does...but it does NOT give you the right to repress and punish a man for doing something as ridiculous as looking at another woman..you will drive him and yourself crazy and it'll never even fix any of your issues...EVER.

 

IMO you are undateable with your current expectations and issues, and he's better off in another relationship or better yet being single as he's quite young still. Until you fix your problems and work on yourself, you're just going to have so much drama and problems, you're going to be so sensitive and fearful all the time...it's just going to wreck your relationships and not even address other aspects of the relationship.

 

Take some time to work on those feelings and issues by doing something for YOURSELF. Talk out those feelings and face those issues at the source with your dad and your mother, talk to them about that experience or you will carry it around for the rest of your life...that's the only way you will prevent this perception of yours from twisting your expectations of what happens in a relationship because that guy is not your dad and no matter how much like him they are, they will never be and if anything it will be your fault for causing these kinds of issues in your relationship...even if they are not there.

[maryyy]

The thing is: Checking out a girl is ok with me, that usually happens when you see a hot girl in the street, it's something unexpected. When he's watching porn he's focusing more on the act itself.

 

What he did was different, he had the intention to search for the name of this girl that goes to the same college as him and look at her photos, and to me it doesn't make sense to admit that he was looking at her boobs and butt and then tell me that he was not masturbating.. I'm sorry, but that's utter crap.

 

Call me stupid, but in my opinion if he masturbates to girls he knows in real life, I think that's an indicator that the probability that he may cheat in the future is bigger.

[preraph]

To be honest, I think that his age alone is a pretty good indicator that you two won't be together forever. It's the age young people generally explore and change rapidly and change partners. Open the conversation with him again but I have to advise you to stop hammering the fact that he knows how sensitive you are on the subject and does it anyway. That's for you to deal with if it's a big issue. He can't cure that for you. He probably has a crush on this girl. But he was willing to take her off FB. You need to see if you can get him to be honest about whether he is planning to pursue this girl or wants to stay together.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The thing is: Checking out a girl is ok with me, that usually happens when you see a hot girl in the street, it's something unexpected. When he's watching porn he's focusing more on the act itself.

 

What he did was different, he had the intention to search for the name of this girl that goes to the same college as him and look at her photos, and to me it doesn't make sense to admit that he was looking at her boobs and butt and then tell me that he was not masturbating.. I'm sorry, but that's utter crap.

 

Call me stupid, but in my opinion if he masturbates to girls he knows in real life, I think that's an indicator that the probability that he may cheat in the future is bigger.

 

A woman in real-life is much different than a random girl on the internet visually speaking, he got to see the girl live in person, and yes he's probably quite attracted to her...possibly enough to masturbate over her.

 

So what?

 

The guy is 22 years old, you're his FIRST girlfriend. He knows no different than being with you, he has no experience (which you probably don't know either, but that tends to be important to guys) and the point is it's just a fantasy. It doesn't mean he'd cheat on you any differently than from watching girls on the internet...for guys it's a difference in visual reality, rather than just this plastic dream.

 

Why would he admit something to you though that makes you act all irate, disappointed and unreasonable? what choice does he have but to lie? it's this black and white situation and in order for him to salvage the relationship and your trust he feels he has to lie...that's how guys think, they feel forced into a corner because you're over-emotional and sensitive and they know if you find out what you've been searching for and suspicious about that you're going to blow-up and get all pissed and then they have to kiss your @ss and tell you all kinds of nice things you want to hear and make it better...in which he probably doesn't even know or realize he has to do. So what options are you really giving him to tell you the truth? it's like lying to your parents because you know you will get punished because you did something in their eyes was bad, even though for you it wasn't a big deal...but you already know they aren't going to listen or care about your side of the story, they've already got their mind made up and the only thing you're going to get is a lecture and punishment..so you might as well just lie and try to avoid the axe.

 

So it's very simple, your communication level is poor, you're unreasonable and demanding person who is just looking for the slightest mistake and then when you do find something that pisses you off you make a huge deal out of it and back the person into the corner until they crack and then just boot them out of the picture for what they did anyway.

 

If anything, all of this behavior is going to make your relationship a living hell, this over-analyzing, this worry and anxiety is going to push many guys away in the end....you won't need to ever catch them cheating, but I'm sure you're going to drag them by the leg down the road kicking them all the way as you hover over them to make sure they are treating you with "respect".

 

You need to work on yourself and be able to let these kinds of things go, or you're going nowhere in your relatoinships...you need communication, but you're version of communication is likely just telling guys how you feel and what you expect them to do and then if they don't do it they are punished for it and breaking the "sacred bond"...it's not communication though, it's you making demands.

[whatcanitellyou]

You know what? He wasn't making you happy so you ended it. What's the problem? I tend to agree that while people are going to look at others him going out of his way find pics of someone he knows is a little shady. Take it from a happily married lady just a bit older than you..... trust your gut. If your gut told you this wasn't kosher it probably wasn't. And from a practical perspective he is going need to experience at least a few different women anyway.