Boyfriend changes plans, and only does what suits him when he likes. Is this normal?

[sgbtra]

Okay so I've noticed that my boyfriend seems to be a little selfish when it comes to making plans or hanging out.

 

I often feel like we end up doing what he wants, and very rarely do we do what I want to do. I'll give you an example. Earlier this week we had planned he would hang out on Saturday night, he would spend the night with me, we would spend Sunday morning exercising with his friend and then go out to lunch together.

 

Now it's all changed, he has a course on next weekend and needs to study. So he tells me today that we wont be hanging out Saturday as he wants to study that night, and he says "You're not upset are you?". Well I want to be supportive of his study, but of course I'm disappointed, but I said "No, I'm fine"

 

He then said, well you're still coming running with my friend on Sunday aren't you?

 

I said I'd let him know as I had some other things I wanted to do. Well he became all pleading and whinging and was like "but you said you'd come" etc. I felt like what I wanted didn't matter, yet he was fine to just cancel our time on Saturday night on a whim...because he had to study.

 

This isn't the first time he has cancelled or altered plans because of study or work. Frankly, I hate it. Whenever he suggests somthing else I'm flexible and will make time to spend with him. I have a very busy job as a physician, yet I make sacrifices and time to see him.

 

My question is, how can i communicate to him without being needy or sounding unsupportive that I am disappointed when he don't get to hang out. Its like he doesn't even notice that it could affect me. Also when he cancels or alters plans at the last minute, I feel let down, because I've been banking on doing something with him and declined things to do with other people...so now I just want to go ahead and make my own plans and get him to fit in with my plans. However, I feel this is passive agressive. What should I do? How do I handle this situation?

[losangelena]

I think you can say that it disappoints you or that you feel like it's disrespectful of your time or plans. Telling the truth is never needy, and direct, clear communication is better than passive aggression, always. Saying "it's okay" when it's not won't help the situation.

[rester]

He doesn't notice that it affects you because you're not making it clear that it is. Don't say, "I'm fine," if you're not fine. Voice your disappointment. Sounds like he's voicing his disappointment when you say that you're not sure you can run with him. Same thing.

[heartshaped]

This isn't the first time he has cancelled or altered plans because of study or work. Frankly, I hate it.

 

This is called being an adult.

 

You think your boyfriend would rather be working or studying than spending time with you? Of course not, but work and school are obligations and adults take care of their obligations.

 

Would you rather he was failing tests and calling into work just to spend time with you?

 

My advice: stop acting like you should be the center of your boyfriend's universe and come before even his job and schooling. Newsflash those things are more important than hanging out with you.

[rester]

He doesn't notice that it affects you because you're not making it clear that it is. Don't say, "I'm fine," if you're not fine. Voice your disappointment. Sounds like he's voicing his disappointment when you say that you're not sure you can run with him. Same thing.

 

I wanted to edit my post to add: I don't think pleading and whining is the most effective way to voice disappointment, either.

[smackie9]

BF starts whining? I whould shut that down in a hurry.

[d0nnivain]

When he disappointing you it's OK to tell him that. There's no need to lie & say you're "fine" when you are not. Granted every man who has ever read the internet should know that "I'm fine" actually means the exact opposite but it really would help if women were clearer

 

 

This isn't the first time he has cancelled or altered plans because of study or work.

 

Unless you are suggesting he's lying & doesn't have school or work, I think those are legitimate reasons to change plans. It happens. the key is to adapt. Last year these elaborate plans I made for a weekend away with DH for our anniversary got all screwed up because of his work. A few weeks ago I had to cut short my visit to him while he was out of town due to my work. Life happens. Adapt.