CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 (edited) Hi, I've been married for 3 years and 9 months. We have a 3 year old (honeymoon baby) and my wife has requested a divorce. She was never shy about telling me that I was her soul mate and the love of her life and that she would never, ever leave me under any circumstances...and then came the infidelity. Not just infidelity, but she decided to be unfaithful with her 20 year old, lesbian first cousin who was visiting us. I knew rather quickly what was happening, but she steadfastly continues to deny it. She struggled with wanting the divorce, but eventually told me that "she loves me like a brother and as the father of my child". Her behavior has been deteriorating over the past year or so since we had a miscarriage. Her work ethic has dissolved and she is being colossally irresponsible (drugs, risky behavior, compulsive lying and gaslighting to all of her friends and customers). She barely speaks to me, instead communicates via text message only. She is obsessed with her phone and is on it every waking moment. This all started after we had a fight, I felt her "break" and she moved out of our bedroom to the basement (where the cousin was staying). She has told others that she intends to marry her cousin when the divorce is final and that she is a lesbian now, but tells others that we are "on a break" or "took some time apart" or are having "marital troubles". we have started the mediation process and are well on the way to resolving our economic future. Her behavior is beyond erratic and irrational, utterly narcissistic and she feels that everyone is against her and she is perfectly justified in her behavior and actions. My therapist saw her once and immediately recommended that she enter therapy NOW with medication. She suspects some sort of organic or catastrophic psychosis. Simply coming out and admitting she is a lesbian is one thing. I would have been crushed and devastated, but could probably deal. This is different. Her family is keeping quiet, but I know they all know. I have heard that they don't approve, but there isn't much they can do about it. I am highly concerned about self harm and, when the reality of what she has done comes out in our small community that she will bail and leave us. Anyone else had an experience life this? Edited November 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 (edited) Yeah, we have started the mediation process. We have been married for such a short amount of time and she has absolutely no assets so fighting over scraps makes no sense. We will do it amicably for the sake of the kids. Despite her massive misjudgement in sleeping with her cousin, I would forgive her (with a postnup and a full STD screen). She wants to stay friends after the divorce (or so she says, she is so erratic that it is hard to tell) and we have our son together. No fault divorce in my state takes 12 months of living apart. I could go for an adultery/fault divorce, but it would be way more expensive and there is no guarantee. She won't admit to infidelity anyway. I highly doubt it will work out between them and I highly doubt that her lesbian lifestyle will last much longer. I do love her. I will miss her terribly. I hope she comes out of this even though she has lost me. Edited November 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Yes. I should have clarified. I will never speak ill of her to the children. I will be supportive of her (much as I did to her existing children from her first marriage to their father). I will not be her "friend". She texted me last night and told me the water heater was broken. I said "and?". She got pissy about it. I am still the first person she calls when something goes wrong and she needs help. I will coparent with her to the fullest extent possible, but I am not going to be her emotional chew-toy. She slept with her lesbian first cousin. I think the social fallout from this is most likely vengeance enough for me. I hope she realizes the insanity of her actions and comes out of it for her sake and for the sake of the kids. 2
drifter777 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Man, this is a tough one. I can't related to your situation - I'm sure few men can - but my wife got wild and started cheating behind my back and then openly for about a short period. She begged me to come back after she was done with her "fun" but she still was a going through something as lots of her behavior changed. Things like smoking grass every day - something she condemned just a few weeks before. There were other things but you get my point. Yes, people can go crazy-wild and for a short period of time. They can also decide they want a new life and change from who they were to who they want to believe they really are. This second description seems to match your situation with your wife. She could have some bona fide mental disorder but more likely she has always wanted to have a love relationship with a woman. Now, for whatever reason, she's taking the leap and likely will not do much looking back. I think you should accept the situation for what it seems to be and just let her go. Stop all unnecessary contact with her and give her the cold shoulder any time you see her. This accomplishes two things: it can make her think twice about what she's doing and possibly shock her back to her true reality - if being a wife and mom is her true reality. The other thing it does is start the "un-bonding" process now which brings you closer to accepting the new reality and divorcing her. No contact can be very powerful and I urge you to use it. 1
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Great advice. The funny thing is that she was never homophobic to any large degree (we had her lesbian cousin living with us, obviously neither of us had a problem with it) and her history and experiences (borne out by talking to her old friends and family) showed no signs of this behavior or orientation. Completely came out of the blue along with the total personality change. There are flashes of her in there, but this spiteful, vindictive, lying, manipulative bitch that she has become is unbelievably distressing. She has an unrealistic view of relationships. She needs people to complete her and fulfill her totally. As a friend of mine said, "A husband makes a very poor God". She lives for the rush of new love and then tires of it quickly. It's like a drug to her. The other problem is that she wants it all. She wants all the remnants of her life that she has, friends, security, kids, etc but with the added bonus of replacing me with her cousin in her life. Since I am the only one in the house that actually makes an income and since her first ex-husband will go bat**** insane when he finds out that his ex is now in a lesbian relationship with her cousin (she has custody of the kids), this will get extremely ugly. Her friends think she is unstable and destructive and have cut her out of their lives. She is essentially alone. Three months ago I would have never thought for a heartbeat that she would abandon her children, now I am not so sure. In many ways, that is the best option. Let me just say this: I always joked about the lesbian fantasy with the wife and another woman. It isn't that great.
drifter777 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 You need to protect the kids - yours and her ex-Husbands. Call him and tell him everything. Urge him to do all he can to get those kids away from this woman who is not taking care of their emotional needs. It will be harder for you BUT get a lawyer and tell him you want custody until the divorce is final. At that time a residential schedule addressing visitation & custody will either be agreed to or issued by the judge. The important thing right now is to protect yourself and the kids. Please keep their welfare in the forefront of you mind and start taking care of them. You are really all the have right now and need you to do the right thing. 1
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Great advice. The funny thing is that she was never homophobic to any large degree (we had her lesbian cousin living with us, obviously neither of us had a problem with it) and her history and experiences (borne out by talking to her old friends and family) showed no signs of this behavior or orientation. Completely came out of the blue along with the total personality change. There are flashes of her in there, but this spiteful, vindictive, lying, manipulative bitch that she has become is unbelievably distressing. She has an unrealistic view of relationships. She needs people to complete her and fulfill her totally. As a friend of mine said, "A husband makes a very poor God". She lives for the rush of new love and then tires of it quickly. It's like a drug to her. The other problem is that she wants it all. She wants all the remnants of her life that she has, friends, security, kids, etc but with the added bonus of replacing me with her cousin in her life. Since I am the only one in the house that actually makes an income and since her first ex-husband will go bat**** insane when he finds out that his ex is now in a lesbian relationship with her cousin (she has custody of the kids), this will get extremely ugly. Her friends think she is unstable and destructive and have cut her out of their lives. She is essentially alone. Three months ago I would have never thought for a heartbeat that she would abandon her children, now I am not so sure. In many ways, that is the best option. Let me just say this: I always joked about the lesbian fantasy with the wife and another woman. It isn't that great. She needs counseling badly! It's one thing to come out as a lesbian, that's hurtful enough seeing as you two are married and have children. It's WORSE that this is incest. Makes no difference that the first cousin is a female. Only difference there is, she can't get pregnant by her cousin! Does she not understand that what she's done is SO wrong on so many levels?
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 That is the part that makes me think that there are deeper issues here. Her business has tanked because she has been acting like a lovesick teenager, absolving her responsibilities and playing love songs on a boom box while pining for her cousin. She left the kids and her grandmother with me while she went on vacation to her hometown to "do some thinking". I know she was there with her cousin and spent over 2000 dollars on their little tryst. She wants it all. What she hasn't realized yet is that her relationship issues are independent of gender. She expects a partner to totally complete her in every way and gets offended when they don't. Her affair with her cousin is appalling at every level. If it were a male cousin, it would be no worse (or no better). The fact that it is a female just adds to her overall delusion that she will finally "be happy". Marital editing has occurred at an insane level. She is blame shifting dozens of people and pathologically lying to everyone to rally support. She blames everyone else for her problems and has treated me like the dirt under her feet. If she is gay, fine. She is most certainly delusional and unstable. She is going to destroy herself with this behavior. Drinking, drugs. She got Botox the other day. Presumably to look good for her younger lover. It really is insane. I still love her and I always will. I pray that she comes out of this, even if she leaves me.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 If she leaves you? Why aren't you leaving her? She's a mess and not a stable parent right now. She's immature, selfish and doing damage to you and the family. She needs counseling!! She has reverted backwards, shunned her responsibility of being a wife and a mother, choosing to do harmful things to herself, and everybody around her. Your kids shouldn't be exposed to any of this.
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 As with all of these things, it's complicated. We live with her inlaws, there are children from another marriage that I love and she has custody of. The ex husband is violent and unstable and would most likely resort to violence if and when he finds out about this situation. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and sacrifice because the alternative is more unpleasant for the ones you love. She is going down a path to ruin. I just hope she comes out of it for her own sake. The state I live in is no fault. That is the quickest and easiest way to do this without unnecessary drama. I am monitoring the situation and will make alternate arrangement if and when the situation presents itself.
No Limit Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 There are many people who never again make it back on track. Your wife sounds like she's one of them. Just because people sooner or later are hit by reality doesn't mean that they'll stop trying to get away from it. Denial can lead to delusion. Just stay away from her and protect the children. You'd have to chain her to a wall to keep her away from everything else.
Author CatastrophicLesbian Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 So my therapist in our session today pulled out the DSM. Personality Disorder: borderline, narcissistic and antisocial. She hit 3/4 of all the criteria for each. Sadly, the only way to "fix" is for them to come to a realization that there is a problem. No meds can help. Gotta let her go see what happens when she inevitably hits bottom.
No Limit Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Gotta let her go see what happens when she inevitably hits bottom. There is no bottom. Most just try to go on and on this way. Just don't hold your breath. Personally I think her realization may not come at all.
elaine567 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 From that triangle of personality disorders, I doubt realisation will ever come. and you will be a long time waiting. Added to this the psychotic element noted before, she is obviously mentally ill. Does the cousin not realise this? There are flashes of her in there, but this spiteful, vindictive, lying, manipulative bitch that she has become is unbelievably distressing. Narcissists need people they are close to, to feel bad, in order for them to feel good about themselves. They put on the act of being "your soulmate", to trap you. You obviously stopped being of use to her when you had that big fight, she realised then, she could't use you anymore, so she cut you off dead, communicating only by text. The silent treatment is a classic narcissistic ploy. Go on Youtube and search narcissist - lots of videos. This short one outlines the end goal of the narcissist - Do you actually know the ex-husband, or is he being painted bad by your wife here? He may not be as bad as she says. Get good legal advice, you cannot fix this relationship, you will only hurt yourself and the kids, if you stick around here.
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